Getting a life

[Maeway]

I wanted to create a thread to try and get some ideas about how I can try and change my life. I see so many good book recs on here and other people who are in a similar situation of frankly just wanting to go get a life and make friends but its so much easier said than done.

I haven't had a friend since I was 11. I am in my 40s now. I had horrible depression as a teenager and just an awful neglectful, abusive childhood. I haven't done all those things like going on holiday with your friends or going to parties, getting drunk as a teenager. I didn't go to a nightclub for the first time until a few years ago.

I left home into an abusive relationship, had kids young who are teenagers now. Ex cheated on me so I tried to start again but didn't really.

I met someone 6 years ago. He is a workaholic so is at work almost every day. I speak to my family occasionally, no relationship with my parents. I have a good career, earn a lot of money, nice house but I am just so alone all the time. Covid hasn't helped because now I don't even go into the office. My colleagues don't really speak to one another. I can go weeks without speaking to anyone other than my partner.

I have recognised that I do not have a life. Our life revolves around my partner and his work, his friends and family. If I am invited- this is seldom- then I just tag along with his nights out with his friends and their partners or visits to his family. He likes our life revolving around him and is quite reluctant for this to change. I don't even know where to start. I joined some groups which didn't really go anywhere but I plan to do this again after lockdown. I just really need a life and a friend. Can anyone relate or are in the same boat?

I know this is long. I really am quite lonely lol and needed to get it all out.

Hi sorry not sure why paragraphs did not work

As soon as you can go out, go. Exercise class, WI, meet-ups, theatre group, rambling, whatever takes your fancy. Volunteer for the National Trust, the local council, St John’s Ambulance.

Research everything you can that’s local to you, decide what appeals and express an interest now so you can be there when things restart. Pick enough to cover three times a week and commit to sticking at them all for a year.

Can you take lessons in something? Everything is available online at the moment. It won't necessarily change your social life, but it'll make you happy to master something you've always wanted to. Music lessons, or learn a language? You'll see your teacher once a week, usually, and it's nice to have a regular schedule.

Have you tried Meetup.com? There's quite a lot of stuff online. You could go on a bunch of city tours from your living room or something, so that when we come out of lock down you'll feel like you've been round the world. You'll have lots to talk about to new people you meet in real life.

haven't had a friend since I was 11. I am in my 40s now. I had horrible depression as a teenager and just an awful neglectful, abusive childhood.

I could have written this op word for word. Apart from my husband with whom I have a few issues going on, I have no other adult in my life who is related to me (I have 3 dc but they are still quite young). Due to various estrangements etc. I can totally identify to feeling lonely and wanting more adult company/connections.

I have one good friend and perhaps two others who I see from time to time but the connection isn't there like with my best friend and I can see how different the relationships are now I'm experiencing having a good friend for the first time in a long time (open and honest and themselves).

I don't work (been a sahm for years but have worked previously) and I really haven't made any good friends via work except for one but they emigrated.

Like you, I am in my 40's. My dcs are still young but I think I need to start investing a bit more in friendships etc. I'm not particularly great in group situations but I'm going to give it a go after lockdown and join 2 or 3 different groups. I joined 2 groups prior to lockdown but really didn't get anything from them so have decided I need to try a bit of a scatter approach. I also plan to volunteer and I'm hoping I will meet a few like-minded people this way. Some of it is down to luck too. My one saving grace is that I have an absorbing hobby without this I would be completely lost. If you are a bit lost as to where your interests might lie...think back to when you were a child and what you liked to do, this was key to me re-finding my hobby. Also volunteer wise who you would like to help given a choice (I'm still working on this but have a few ideas).

I think a lot of us have realised we are in a similar boat over lockdown. My late grandmother who was in her 80's use to cry with loneliness - it makes me shudder. Another elderly lady confessed to me she was lonely recently and I felt helpless to make things better. You can't solve loneliness by being just amongst people, it is finding that connection someone who can be honest with. It's tricky when a lot of people have established friendship groups etc. cushioned extended family and don't see the value of looking to other people for companionship etc.

I hope someone is able to come along and give us some more advice...

Sorry for the epic post!

Really grateful for the replies and to see that I am not alone.

I have been to some meet up groups and made some connections. It is my fault that I didn't go more for them to establish into better relationships but I will change that after lockdown. I haven't really prioritised going to the groups. If I am honest my partner has ridiculed me going to those groups because as far as he is concerned he does not understand how someone cannot have friends. He is very popular and does not believe people go to the groups apart from for dating purposes. I know I need to ignore that and go though.

I agree that everyone seems to have those connections already and just does not want anymore so it can be really hard to break into those circles.

You are right I need to find a direction like a hobby. I didn't have any hobbies as a child and I don't think I have ever done something like that for myself. It needs to change though or I will be alone forever. It is definitely affecting my relationship. Every time I am upset or annoyed with my partner about anything he will use me having no friends as to the reason why when of course it is not always that.

I would be totally lost without mumsnet too. There's many a time I've thought...if only I knew x in real life because our thinking comes across as being similar.

If I was you I’d be looking to change job too. You say you earn good money but you could find something where they are more sociable? What about training to be something? I don’t think your partner sounds compatible either. New job, new location, new partner. What’s the point if he’s working all of the time?

It is definitely affecting my relationship. Every time I am upset or annoyed with my partner about anything he will use me having no friends as to the reason why when of course it is not always that.

I'm not sure it's your lack of friends affecting your relationship.

If I am honest my partner has ridiculed me going to those groups

Why, for instance, would someone who cared about you treat you like that?

Maeway...anything you were drawn to when little: art, writing, cycling, swimming etc?

It's not good that you're ridiculed for trying to meet people and change your circumstances. I'm not going to do some amateur psychology thing but I would think about what is behind this negative behaviour. Insecurity??

Ah, others have articulated it better...

OK, there is a backstory here. The reason you have no friends is because your partner ridicules you when you try to meet new people. And then he blames relationship problems on the fact that you have no friends.

Is that right?

What's he like as a partner? Is he respectful and kind towards you? Does he care about your feelings and hold your opinion in high regard?

I have thought about changing my job but I am in a position now where my work is not so difficult and it pays well. I have thought this will allow me to get a life outside of work.

With my partner I think it is because he likes our life the way it is. I am at home to do the cleaning. I am always available when he wants to do something with me. He also never has to worry about me cheating because I just don't go anywhere.

He has lots of friends and I think I hoped we would do stuff with them, like couple stuff but he doesn't want to and his friends are very different to me and honestly sometimes make fun of me because I am quiet or will just not invite me to stuff even couple stuff. He never says anything to them about this.

I do wonder if this relationship contributes massively to my loneliness. He really just sees me as an addition to my life where to me he is the most important, along with my kids. I worry that if we split up then I really will be completely alone like I was before and that scares me too. At least at the moment there is someone there sometimes.

Sounds like you have a partner problem.

I would suggest interests more than hobbies.
What do you like? What interests you?

What's he like as a partner? Is he respectful and kind towards you? Does he care about your feelings and hold your opinion in high regard?

Agree with Eckhart there is a backstory op.

Eckhart I would love to have this too. To be seen, heard and validated I think someone said on another thread...but such men and well, people in general seem rare in real life at least in my experience. Not even my own family (mother/father etc) has the ability to do it where I'm concerned in fact the direct opposite. No wonder some people have such a sense of loneliness.

I worry that if we split up then I really will be completely alone like I was before and that scares me too. At least at the moment there is someone there sometimes.

This keeps me where I am too op. It's easy for people to say leave but to me (particularly as I have young dc and no other support)...it is not that easy. I think having the kind of childhoods we've had doesn't help either. But continue to think what might interest YOU...it is what I'm working on at the moment.

@Eckhart

OK, there is a backstory here. The reason you have no friends is because your partner ridicules you when you try to meet new people. And then he blames relationship problems on the fact that you have no friends.

Is that right?

What's he like as a partner? Is he respectful and kind towards you? Does he care about your feelings and hold your opinion in high regard?

Yes I think that's right. But also at the same time it must be exhausting to be with someone who has noone else. He comes home from work, he has been with colleagues all day and has spoken to his friends. He doesn't then want to have a long chat with me which is what I want sometimes/ a lot of the time because I am so lonely.

I would say he is kind. He will do things like run me a bath, cook my dinner or sometimes buy me chocolates for no reason. But he does have a big ego and I think likes me having noone. I did suggest that I want things to change and it has affected us a lot. He doesn't want things to be different. He is happy for me to have hobbies like exercise because he likes that too but for example if I want to go to clubs without him he isn't really going to be ok with that and will make me feel very sad for considering going to a drama club for example.

You havent got friends because your family isolated you from society as a child with their abuse and now you are repeating that pattern with the partner you have subconsciously chosen who is isolating you from society. The only one who can break this pattern of isolation is you by forcing yourself to ignore those voices and that conditioning by going out there and meeting lots of new people.

If he tries to make you feel sad for going to a drama club some of the most creative and forward thinking people are in those groups. The only sad ones are the ones who dismiss anything new that they know nothing about.

As others have said you have a partner problem in the first instance! Who on earth is so needy they would act up about you joining a drama club ffs, absolute control freak..
I’m not sure I would change the job yet, that may come in time, but for now it offers you security and options, use the time to look at things you can join as lockdown lifts, and persevere, as it may take a little while to find your things..but it’s all good experience.
As for female friends, my view is it might take a while to cultivate them, but they are like gold dust when you find them. I have some, but I am always on the look out for more as I view them a very precious commodity..be open and friendly and opportunities will appear..

And in time, ditch the dead weight that is dragging you down.

You havent got friends because your family isolated you from society as a child with their abuse and now you are repeating that pattern with the partner

This is an interesting insight. I was also badly bullied as a teen. This combined with the abuse (both emotional and physical) I experienced as a child from my parents might be creating a perpetuating cycle. Are you able to elaborate on this please welikebeingcosy?

You havent got friends because your family isolated you from society as a child with their abuse and now you are repeating that pattern with the partner

Please read this comment OP, then go back and read it again. You are in a relationship with a man who is happy for you to be lonely and isolated as it suits his needs, I am similar to you OP abusive childhood, depression for years, lots of life missed because of those two things, I too ended up in a relationship with a man I made the centre of my world, he was happy for me to be at home cleaning, no friends, isolated. No hobbies, no groups, nothing. He spent years cheating when he was on work trips, be careful of a man who is happy for you to be less than to accommodate him and his needs.

Bumping this as it is 6 months later and still in the same position. I don't know how to motivate myself to change it at all. I have become further isolated over the past few months if that was even possible. My few social interactions have gotten even smaller. I have seen one friend once in 2 years and even she is so distant now I can't imagine even texting her.

My partner is not willing to listen to me talk about my feelings anymore because he can't comprehend
that I can't just fix it all the way he suggests so I am keeping it all inside which is becoming unbearable.

I just wish I had a mum I could call when I am sad but I haven't spoken to her in months and I know if I tried to she wouldn't want to know.

I don't know how to change this. I cannot imagine not being alone at this point.

I looked at meet ups but I don't see how I fit in them. In my area it is either drinking on weekends or walks in the day when I am at work.
I know I need to change this, I just don't know how.

So sorry to hear this op. I can relate to what you have written and in a similar predicament.

No advice because I'm work in progress. But I'm planning to keep trying different things until I find things I really like to look forward to in the week (as regards interests and hobbies) and hopefully develop more friendships.

Tricky for you because work dominates your time. So maybe first change might be work? Then add on one evening hobby?

You are certainly not alone can absolutely relate to what you have written and the sense of isolation is bleak. It is so difficult when you don't have good relationships to fall back on.

I have (fairly recently) made a good friend through a shared interest and as someone said it is like gold dust. Friend is not always available which makes me think I need to try and meet a few more lovely people. Ultimately, due to my traumatic childhood, I have trust issues and poor self worth which hampers things and causes major anxiety.

Watching this thread with interest.