Getting a life

[Maeway]

I wanted to create a thread to try and get some ideas about how I can try and change my life. I see so many good book recs on here and other people who are in a similar situation of frankly just wanting to go get a life and make friends but its so much easier said than done.

I haven't had a friend since I was 11. I am in my 40s now. I had horrible depression as a teenager and just an awful neglectful, abusive childhood. I haven't done all those things like going on holiday with your friends or going to parties, getting drunk as a teenager. I didn't go to a nightclub for the first time until a few years ago.

I left home into an abusive relationship, had kids young who are teenagers now. Ex cheated on me so I tried to start again but didn't really.

I met someone 6 years ago. He is a workaholic so is at work almost every day. I speak to my family occasionally, no relationship with my parents. I have a good career, earn a lot of money, nice house but I am just so alone all the time. Covid hasn't helped because now I don't even go into the office. My colleagues don't really speak to one another. I can go weeks without speaking to anyone other than my partner.

I have recognised that I do not have a life. Our life revolves around my partner and his work, his friends and family. If I am invited- this is seldom- then I just tag along with his nights out with his friends and their partners or visits to his family. He likes our life revolving around him and is quite reluctant for this to change. I don't even know where to start. I joined some groups which didn't really go anywhere but I plan to do this again after lockdown. I just really need a life and a friend. Can anyone relate or are in the same boat?

I know this is long. I really am quite lonely lol and needed to get it all out.

Have you thought about volunteering? They seem a lovely mixed group, the tree planting one near me. I'm thinking of trying something like that. It's hard to find the time but it's the investing in your future I think that matters. I think it pays to commit to a few things a week and keep showing your face. My friend has done that and knows so many people now.

It is hard to build up a life, but it can be done - I’d think of it as something you need to do over a few years.

A coach or a therapist might be useful - you won’t be living in an echo chamber that way. If you decide to do that talk to a few people, you need someone who will support you in making positive changes, and gently push you, as well as give you space to talk.

I think it’s easier to think about broadening your interests in life, which puts you under less immediate pressure to make friends, you can just focus on enjoying yourself. Volunteering and book groups are good for interaction - loads of ways you can volunteer - just set out to try things. But make sure they are things where you will meet functioning adults - conservation stuff, friends of local park stuff, transition town, museums, refugee support groups - if you have a prof job you will have skills you can share. Ramblers walking also good. Meditation classes can be. Choir, art clubs, toastmasters (weird but true). Also get yourself out the house - gym, yoga, book in cafe - and just get used to smiling and regularly exchanging a few words with people. Things like an OU course with active online life and meet-ups also good.

I wouldn’t change your job right now - if it’s well paid and easy that makes it easier to change your life.

While you are at it, go see a solicitor and get your finances in order as I think you know you need to move on from your partner when you are ready. Get on with making some changes and don’t expect support from him. If he gets narky accelerate your plans to leave.

If changes aren’t happening I would really get some accountability or feedback via a coach or therapist.

Givemethatknife

That seems like excellent advice. Have you been in a similar situation yourself...or perhaps have known people who have done this? You seem to have good insight.

I have recently entered therapy and I agree it is very helpful.

I’m in the exact same boat OP. I try to initiate friendships but my messages are always unread and ignored. This year I joined a gym and it’s really helped with my social life. Where are you based?

Are you prepared to acknowledge and act on the fact that your partner has contributed to this in a massive way yet? From experience, it is far lonelier in a relationship that isn't working than actually being 'alone'. Something needs to radically change.

As a person who came from an abusive family, and who also chose abusive relationships, and as a therapist in my own right now, I would choose therapy. It's not the most razzle-dazzle of choices, but I'd argue it is the most life-changing.

I agree your partner is not doing you any favours. If he had your interests at heart not only would he be encouraging you to join things, but would also be proactive about helping you meet people, given he is so popular! If you're staying in the relationship with him, could you build at all on the socialising he does include you in, make friends in your own right with his friends partners perhaps?

Or, next best thing: read the book I've named myself after - "What Matters Most" by James Hollis.

Hi OP, I am somewhat similar in that I had a difficult teenage years with neglect and abuse and it affected the friendships that I had. As I was in such a bad place then I feel I missed out on those good friendships.
I have made friendships at work in the last few years (I’m 40 now) and I really value one in particular. It’s difficult I think to get the same bond with adult lives to juggle as when you are young. Having said that, my MIL is widowed and has recently made lots of friends in the same situation and is having the time of her life so there is hope!
Could you join some kind of group doing something you enjoy?

If he's a workaholic, can you do something when he's at work, so you can get into the swing of things and see if you like it before telling him? By then maybe you'll have had a bit of a confidence boost and be better prepared to discuss it? I would find somewhere to volunteer. Could you walk dogs in an animal sanctuary, work in a charity shop, or start a couch to 5k course and do park runs? What interests you?

Had you thought about running? Do a couch to 5k yourself, then join a local group, check they have 'beginner'runs as a few are very athletic...most are more inclusive.

The exercise will lift your spirits and as you become fitter and know people better, you will chat more.

Your partner does not sound kind and he has crap choice in friends. That is far worse than not having friends.