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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Does getting back with en ex ever work out

47 replies

Jojojo32 · 14/03/2021 11:19

I'll try and keep this simple, was with my ex for 6yrs, we have 2 girls 2gether.
He was an awful partner drinking verberlly abusive lost jobs all the time because he would be hungover or in pubs. Just awful really.
We broke up Xmas 2019 from then to August 2020 he was at his worst let kids down on days he was spose to have them went weeks without hearing from him.
He gave up drink in August, starting his own business which he is doing really well at, still hasn't drunk and has wanted to get back together since he stopped drinking back in August. He thinks I need to let the past go and give him one more chance because "he's changed". I have huge doubts but he's wormed his way in my head this weekend and got me thinking.
My big hold up is OK he hasn't drunk since August but I think alot of this has to do with lockdown. He lived for the pubs, the temptation of drinking has been taking away from him by the being closed. Come June 21st is when I think the big test will come for him.
I'm confused basically and looking for advice.

OP posts:
Easterbunnygettingready · 14/03/2021 11:21

I left an ex with drink problems. We had 3 x dc and he never really bothered with them. He spent 5 months convincing me he had changed. We got back together and got married 10 weeks later. Regretted it the same day.
He drank himself into oblivion a week later. Marriage lasted less than a year and I filed for divorce..
Ime leopards stay leopards..

EveningsInTheSummerhouse · 14/03/2021 11:22

I wouldn't even consider it until you have seen how he responds once the pubs are open.

Although this...

He was an awful partner drinking verberlly abusive lost jobs all the time because he would be hungover or in pubs. Just awful really

would mean I personally wouldnt even consider it.

TheLost · 14/03/2021 11:23

You’ve known him for 7 years and out of that time he’s acted like a decent human being for 6 months when he wasn’t in a relationship with you. There’s a good chance that the only reason he was even able to be decent for the last 6 months is that it’s illegal to go to the pub at the moment. At least wait until the pubs have reopened for a few months to see how he acts then. Has he at least taken responsibility for his actions and apologised? Or just told you that you need to get over it?

Relationship ms with an ex absolutely can work in some circumstances. Rekindling this relationship now is a terrible idea though, both for yourself and your children..

Original poster
Jojojo32 · 14/03/2021 11:28

He's admitted he was an awful partner but blames the drink, he's never gone this long without drinking before.
Also which hurts me he didn't give up drink for us he did it after we broke up.
I think I know deep down its a bad idea, its the what IF he has changed and I don't give him a chance. He will meet someone else and she will get the life I wanted with him so very much.

OP posts:
Wanderlusto · 14/03/2021 11:41

Once an alchoholic, always an alcoholic. He'll start drinking again at some point...and no doubt ilmake out it's your fault somehow.

And he was an abusive shit anyway. Booze doesn't excuse that. And the fact that he is acting like you should just 'get over' years of abuse shows you exactly what kind of person he is. A shit one.

OP your gut is telling you what to do. Listen to it.
You have children so you cant afford to take mad risks like taking an alchoholic back into your life. They need to see that women dont take back their abusers too.

1sunnyday23 · 14/03/2021 11:45

My brother is a lovely person and I love him a lot but he's an alcoholic and an absolutely terrible , horrendous father and husband. He has gone for a year or two of not drinking but then falls off the wagon and drinks until he hits rock bottom.

It's so upsetting to see

Eckhart · 14/03/2021 11:54

I have huge doubts

Then don't start a relationship with him.

but he's wormed his way in my head this weekend and got me thinking

Nobody worms their way in unless you let them. Take responsibility.

He will meet someone else and she will get the life I wanted with him so very much

Because he's the only man on the planet who could ever make you happy? Except that he doesn't? Let someone else take the risk with him. Find someone else to dream about than someone who has already let you and your kids down.

For the sake of your children, don't demonstrate that it's ok to let somebody worm their way back in after abuse. They will use you as their relationship template when they're adults. Do you really want them to be accepting abusers back into their arms?

fedup078 · 14/03/2021 11:55

How do you know he isn't drinking?

Easterbunnygettingready · 14/03/2021 11:56

Ime let him prove himself via the dc. He needs to become a decent df faster than he needs to show you he is better dp material.. How long really do you think he can manage that? My ex lost interest in the dc pretty quickly when we split. Older dc didn't see him as he was so abusive in front of them. Younger ones dps until teen age and dumped him.. None see him as adults..

Original poster
Jojojo32 · 14/03/2021 11:57

Would you call my ex an alcoholic tho? He drank alot but not everyday, winter wasn't to bad would be just Friday an Saturdays he would down pub but then spent Sunday at home so didn't do anything with us has a family summer he was outta control could be any day but once he starts it's a 2day Bender, then back to normal for a day or so then back to drinking.
He doesn't sit at home at drink unless had friends over etv.

OP posts:
Shehasadiamondinthesky · 14/03/2021 11:58

You think men like this can ever change.........no Hmm

fedup078 · 14/03/2021 12:01

You don't need to drink everyday
You have an alcohol problem if your drinking causes problem in your life which you don't address
I'm splitting with my husband because his drinking causes problems but he refuses to address it. He has proven he can go without, even for 6 weeks once but he will then massively fuck up again

Original poster
Jojojo32 · 14/03/2021 12:03

He has got better with dc tho, he hasn't let them down since he stopped... Ahhh what am I thinking

OP posts:
Wtfkqtxnrkatxjrk · 14/03/2021 12:04

GGetting back with an abuser is never a good idea.

The fact he didn't respect you to listen to your "no" and instead continued pressuring and manipulating shows that he hasn't changed.

Eckhart · 14/03/2021 12:05

@Jojojo32

Would you call my ex an alcoholic tho? He drank alot but not everyday, winter wasn't to bad would be just Friday an Saturdays he would down pub but then spent Sunday at home so didn't do anything with us has a family summer he was outta control could be any day but once he starts it's a 2day Bender, then back to normal for a day or so then back to drinking. He doesn't sit at home at drink unless had friends over etv.
Why do you care what it's called? Alcoholic, binge drinker, problem drinker, whatever it's called, he's let you and the kids down, and you don't trust him not to do it again when the pubs open.

Isn't that enough for you to refuse to take him back? You don't trust him not to let your kids down?

Dery · 14/03/2021 12:15

@Jojojo32 - the voice that’s questioning whether you should take him back - that’s his voice in your head. It’s not yours. You might find it interesting to read In The Mind of the Intimate Male Abuser: How He Gets Into Her Head.

As a PP identified, your relationship was mostly shit. You have a dream of how it might have been if he had had a personality transplant but you must work with what is, not what might have been or what might be.

It’s great that he’s parenting well now but you can’t base any decisions on behaviours adopted during lockdown. You need years of changed behaviour before you could justifiably consider going back to him.

Yes, he might end up with someone else and that relationship might work better but it’s very unlikely to be the case. And you now have the chance of being with someone who is much more able to offer a healthy relationship.

You will regret it so much if you take him back now. Focus on the amicable co-parenting. Some of the most functional families I know are families where the parents are separated but amicably co-parenting.

dieblauenStrumpfhosen · 14/03/2021 12:17

If he's ever abused you then no, you shouldn't. Plenty of people drink or have bad childhoods and they don't abuse other people.

Changeforchangessake · 14/03/2021 12:21

@Jojojo32

He's admitted he was an awful partner but blames the drink, he's never gone this long without drinking before. Also which hurts me he didn't give up drink for us he did it after we broke up. I think I know deep down its a bad idea, its the what IF he has changed and I don't give him a chance. He will meet someone else and she will get the life I wanted with him so very much.
He needs to stop blaming the drink and blame himself. He drank. For 6 plus years and it didn’t stop when he had small children and a supportive wife did it?

He has taken no responsibility for his actions. He doesn’t get to blame the drink - he has to blame himself. 6 months and I’m guessing you wouldn’t know if he had a few evenings with a drink as you are not living with him are you? And even then he might just have got better at hiding it. Just no.

Wanderlusto · 14/03/2021 12:27

Even worse if he isnt an alchoholic becausevit means that even though he knows he abused you when drunk, he continued to drink.

A normal person would gave been so ashamed they would ever have drank again rather than risk abusing the mother of their child.

So either he was an alchoholic and couldn't stop himself or he wasnt, but cared do little about his family that he chose to drink and abuse them.

More than likely he was an abuser and just used the drink to 'excuse' it tbh. He certainly displays no remorse if he has the cheek to be asking you to take him back again. He hadn't had therapy for his drinking, joined the aa or really, done anything to show he has changed. Or be worthy or forgiveness.

Even if he has, forgiving doesn't mean trying again. And certainly shouldnt in this situation.

Wanderlusto · 14/03/2021 12:30

I suggest you drop contact down to one method (eg: burner phone) and only communicate in future about the kids pick ups and drop offs. Just dont reply to anything else. He is your ex, he cannot worm his way back in if you don't bite. Take responsibility for your own choices.

Original poster
Jojojo32 · 14/03/2021 12:34

Thank you all for your replies has given me a lot to think about. Its funny isn't it reading this comments back I seem 2 already be making excuses for him.
It's so hard when someone is offering you what u dream of but I know it wouldn't be like that in reality.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jojojo32 · 14/03/2021 12:36

Sorry if you got this far. Some awful spelling errors was made on my part 😅

OP posts:
Eckhart · 14/03/2021 12:38

Its funny isn't it reading this comments back I seem 2 already be making excuses for him

Never met you, no idea who you are, but I'm still relieved to see you've spotted this.

Think about how many chances a man gets to be the man of your dreams. Because surely, once he's on his second chance, he's already not that man, because the man of your dreams isn't somebody you have an unhealthy relationship history with.

Wanderlusto · 14/03/2021 12:45

Tbf it sounds like your life is already awesome in some respects. You have two beautiful daughters and the freedom of being single. You no longer have to walk on egg shells around some prick.

I wouldnt gamble those freedoms for anything.

BillMasheen · 14/03/2021 13:01

The thing is, even if he HAS changed, you dont owe him a chance. And there’s another very good reason why you shouldn’t consider it.

You were together for long enough that a pattern formed within the relationship. He might well be a reformed man, and off the booze (seriously doubt it but whatever....) but I’d say that if you did get back together the old pattern would fall back into place.

If you’re a reformed alcoholic who drank in a local boozer, surely the very worst thing you could do would be to go back there. And that’s what this relationship is to him, something familiar and associated with drinking.

He might be able to stay sober alone, or with someone else. But not you. That’s his fault, not yours, obvs, I’m not suggesting that you drive him to drink, more that his subconscious will associate you with feeling comfortable to drink.

And having said all that. I strongly imagine he’s only staying sober because the pubs are shut.

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