Does getting back with en ex ever work out

[Jojojo32]

I'll try and keep this simple, was with my ex for 6yrs, we have 2 girls 2gether.
He was an awful partner drinking verberlly abusive lost jobs all the time because he would be hungover or in pubs. Just awful really.
We broke up Xmas 2019 from then to August 2020 he was at his worst let kids down on days he was spose to have them went weeks without hearing from him.
He gave up drink in August, starting his own business which he is doing really well at, still hasn't drunk and has wanted to get back together since he stopped drinking back in August. He thinks I need to let the past go and give him one more chance because "he's changed". I have huge doubts but he's wormed his way in my head this weekend and got me thinking.
My big hold up is OK he hasn't drunk since August but I think alot of this has to do with lockdown. He lived for the pubs, the temptation of drinking has been taking away from him by the being closed. Come June 21st is when I think the big test will come for him.
I'm confused basically and looking for advice.

I understand why you are wavering, he has finally, appearing to step up. I think it’s only been eight months, that’s nothing and you’re right, no pubs either. I would also like to point out that he had six years to sort himself out and be a decent partner and father and didn’t. I suspect the main reason he ‘changed’ is because his life went to shit when you broke up due to his behaviour and for the first time he did not have you supporting him and plugging the gaps of his shitness. I would also hazard a guess that he is still drinking, just less and at home. Giving him the benefit of the doubt I would cut off these discussions about getting back together and move on, and if he is still the improved version of himself a few years down the line maybe you can think about it. If I don’t give the benefit of the doubt I would say this change will last as long as it takes to get his feet back under the table and he can go back to being looked after in the way he has become accustomed to and go back to being a feckless, jobless drinker.

As soon as he touches a drink he will turn back into who he really is. It hasn't been even a year of sobriety.

I echo everything people have said - the abusive ex went without drink and heroin for as loing as it took to get me back.

Tell him you won't even consider getting back with him until he's been clean for 5 years. You'll soon see the real him emerge. Or if he's genuine, he'll still be clean in 5 years' time if you do want to give him a chance

Yeah I mean since august is nothing. The pubs are shut too. And you only have his word he hsbt drinking.

Maybe if he had been totally sober for 2 years, promised to never touch alchohol again, had ongoing therapy for his drinking and abusive tendencies and attended aa...maybe I'd...actually no I still wouldnt consider it, remotely xD but I could understand why someone might.

But he's done fuck all. And tbf in 2 years you'll be over him so there will be no need to consider him again anyway.

My suggestion would be to test how committed he is. I would want him to go to counseling and after about 6 months explain in detail why he felt he had to hit the drink. Knowing the root reasons can help people stay sober. I know people can and do change (I have first hand experience) but it takes a lot of hard work and soul searching. If he doesn't meet the grade hopefully you can at least coparent successful. X

So I've had a think, what if I said if we are both single in a years time and your still sober and doing good with kids and work I will go from there but until then I think communication needs to be only about the children. A real break with no random texts or phone calls or popping in etc.
Now in reality i 99% think he will go back to drinking. Its the 1%thats killing me.

Ahhh I'm such a mug ain't I,
He has been talking to someone( I have known he has since Xmas) just friends apparently
Well tonight I text him which for the past 15months I've never done ever. Asking if he was with her I'm all confused bla bla bla. He's been texting me all day if I didn't reply I would get a phone call or texts till I Did, come 7ish ain't heard from him. That's when I text,
Dunno what is wrong with me. I feel so much jealousy within the last 24hrs it's crazy.
I've blanked this man for months what am I doing. Maybe loneliness is getting to me? Sorry I'm rambling but sooo over the place atm.

Getting back with an ex is like watching your favourite film but expecting a different ending

“He thinks you need to let the past go”That’s your problem.He should be far more considerate of the pain he has caused and realise how hard it is for you to “let the past go”.Your observation about pubs being closed is also extremely relevant

If you need to seek the views of a bunch of random strangers on the internet, I would say that's a massive red flag. Don't do it.

@Jojojo32

Would you call my ex an alcoholic tho? He drank alot but not everyday, winter wasn't to bad would be just Friday an Saturdays he would down pub but then spent Sunday at home so didn't do anything with us has a family summer he was outta control could be any day but once he starts it's a 2day Bender, then back to normal for a day or so then back to drinking. He doesn't sit at home at drink unless had friends over etv.

a family summer he was outta control could be any day but once he starts it's a 2day Bender, then back to normal for a day or so then back to drinking

What ? You want to go back to a life like this ? 🙄

Well no I don't want to go back to a life like that hence asking if ppl can really change.. ... I'm asking a bunch of strangers because it's an advice forum isn't that what it's for??
I've known him 10yrs not once in the last 10yrs has he had his life together like he has now, is that not a sign he's actually changed and grown up?

I’m sorry jojojo32 it’s hard when someone gets under your skin even though you don’t want them to. Do you believe deep down that he has changed? If he was truly set on winning you back would he be talking to this other woman?

You've gone from 'I'm such a mug... maybe loneliness is getting to me' to 'is that not a sign he's actually changed and grown up?'

It doesn't matter if he's changed and grown up. Don't you see? If you go back to a partner who has previously abused you and your kids, you will be a mug.

Even if he's suddenly turned into God, and stays like it for the rest of his life, and marries some woman you feel inferior to, and has billions of blissfully happy children and is perfection for ever more.

The reason you don't want him isn't because he's an abuser, now; it's that there's a fairly strong likelihood that he will be, one day, and you do not want to expose your children to the risk of witnessing their father abusing their mother, or their mother choosing to return to an abusive relationship

It's not him, it's the risk he represents.

Why not find somebody else? Wouldn't you prefer a long term partner who didn't used to abuse you?

He's been texting me all day if I didn't reply I would get a phone call or texts till I Did

This is shitty behaviour. Why is this normal or acceptable to you? He hasn't changed.

He's possibly stopped drinking for about 5 minutes because the pubs are shut but all the other issues are there.

You are making shit up to justify returning to a toxic abusive situation. He hasn't changed. He isn't good for you. No sane person is going to tell you this is a good idea, no matter how many times you ask.

Please get yourself some professional support to address your own issues so you can stay away from him and men like him. If you don't want to do it for yourself, do it for your children. They don't deserve to be plunged back into this.

Little update I've blocked him, told him I will unblock him on Saturdays to make sure he's coming for the girls on Sunday but will block him again till the following Sat and so on. Might sound pathetic or weak but it's how I need to do this once and for all. To much info but I've just come on so I'm blaming hormones for my bad judgement this weekend 🙈🤣

Why on earth do you think that sound pathetic and weak? That's a bold as brass enforcement of a very clear boundary, and it sounds like exactly what you need to do to keep him out of your hair.

Thank you, I feel so much better for it. Its like a switch has gone of in my head, I'm not wondering why he's not text me or what he's doing or on the other end ringing n texting all the time. Hopefully can keep this up 🤞🤞

Glad to hear it. There's a simple rule: Spend time with people who consistently make you feel good, and stay away from those who hurt you, even if it's inconsistent.

Remember too that you should be one of the people who make you feel good. Start doing stuff today for yourself that you would want a partner to do. Special little treats. Doesn't have to cost, if that's a concern. Be your own loving partner. Baths with candles and a glass of wine, making time for your own favourite creative thing, maybe getting some new equipment for it... reading a book you've always wanted to, learning about something you'd love to be an expert on.

Every chance you get. If somebody treats you like this (even if it's you), you start to get a feeling of what really being loved feels like. It doesn't involve feeling bad because of a niggle from the past, it doesn't involve being pursued to the point of harassment, it doesn't involve risk. It just feels really, really nice, and once you know the 'really really nice' feeling, you'll refuse to let anybody take it away from you by treating you badly. That's called self respect.

If you think about it, even the feelings he's causing in you right now, whilst he's claiming to be a changed man, aren't good, are they? People who are going happily through their day without a care in the world don't post on forums about their relationships. He's worrying you, just by offering himself to you. You're not even in a relationship with him and you're distressed. Avoid him, and anybody else who makes you feel confused.

There are two parts of you; one surface part who thinks it would be great to be with him now that he's changed, and another part, which, if you examine the feeling, is far more visceral. You'll have a physical response to it. The feeling that goes with the 'Oh, shit shit shit, I don't think I should, it feels like it might all go wrong, oh, crap, what about the kids, they need their father but what if he goes back to how he was...' etc If you can recognise that feeling, Bob's your uncle. Memorise it. Avoid anybody who triggers that feeling. It's the feeling that made you post here.

You will never feel that feeling in a healthy relationship. It is your responsibility to steer clear of that feeling. For you, and for your kids.

Ahhh eckhart, what a great post, thank you some amazing advice there.
I used to say he was like smoking to me. He was bad for me and I knew it yet still I smoked if that makes sense. Your so right if it had been a healthy happy relationship wouldn't of ever felt like that.
I think I defo have alot of issues with myself has to why I stayed. I'm very over weight and about a 2/10 looks wise. That's not me being harsh just facts. Hes a looker for sure and he knows it 🙄so I think letting go means no one else is going 2 want a fat single mum of 3 lol but day 2 and he's still blocked 🤞positive vibes today 👌

Can I just say that everything the Eckhart has just said is bang on...

I split from my partner just a few months ago, he was a narcissist...As soon as I made the decision a weight had been lifted and I knew I had made the right decision...however, around valentines day he tried to ‘hoover’ me back in and I was in two minds at should I/shouldn’t I go back and for about a week I was waking up with that gut feeling in my stomach, wondering what he was thinking, doing...and I realised I felt like I did when I was with him. So even the thought of us getting back together made me feel ‘that’ way and I knew I would be making a mistake.
So I made it clear to him that Im happy the way things are and there will be no chance of us getting back together...
Since then ive had more motivation to do things, Ive had a constant smile on my face and people have commented on how happy I seem.

Ive treated myself with respect and like Eckhart said, I dont want anyone taking that away.

so I think letting go means no one else is going 2 want a fat single mum of 3 lol

YOU want her, @Jojojo32. YOU want her happiness, her fulfillment, YOU want to make her life amazing, YOU want her to have everything she wants.

He is not the issue here; he is a symptom of that fact that although you recognise all those things that you want, there's a bit of you that's not sure that that's 'how to do life'. It is. Do all the things that would make you feel selfish. The truth is, selfish people only do do things for themselves. Healthy people do things for themselves and others. Doing things for yourself is a given, in either circumstance, and you'll never be regarded as selfish by anybody because you're too nice. Only nice people consider going back to abusive partners, because they're forgiving.

I might be wittering now but it's bothered me on your behalf that you've related ANY of what's going on to being fat and nobody wanting you. If you develop your self respect, you won't give a flying fandoodle whether anybody wants you, because you'll walk through every day, doing good stuff, making mistakes, and always falling back on the knowledge that you're AWESOME. And then loads of people will want you, because self confidence over rides overweight in the attraction stakes anyway!