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Original poster

Mixed messages, does he want me?

50 replies

PercyTheePig · 14/03/2021 07:40

I've been with my boyfriend over two years, we don't live together as both have kids and both have moved a bit for work, currently live an hour from each other.

Until a few months ago we used to see each other a couple of nights a week, usually Friday and Saturday. Then lockdown hit, he had his kids more and we switched our nights, it ended up with just Friday night together.

Then he was told he would be made redundant. It was awful news an I've tried to be supportive, encouraging with his job applications, he seems to have appreciated my help.

He became very stressed and diagnosed depressed, headaches, sleeplessness etc again I tried to be kind, supportive. He stopped visiting me as took his car off the road, so all travel done by me to him (an hour away, once a week). I offered to see him another night each week, as I love him, want to be together and see him a bit more. He politely came up with reasons not to, like needing to rest or that he was seeing a friend that night, I took the hint.

He has become more withdrawn from me, he doesnt call much, sometimes takes a while to answer messages. I've responded by messaging less and sending 'easy' messages that don't need a reply, a funny photo for example just to keep loose contact when he's feeling low. Sometimes he can be quite chatty, so not all bad.

I have asked him if he still wants to be in a relationship with me, as he's cancelled our weekly night at times when he's not up to company and just seems generally less interested. I know he sees other friends sometimes, which is great but implies he could see me a bit more/not cancel on me if he wanted to. He says I'm worrying about nothing, he likes being with me, he finds me relaxing and I help him a lot, he doesn't want to break up with me.

I feel exhausted and I want to support him, but he's not able to support me with any of my life pressures, I'm starting to feel depressed myself, he's withdrawn and not very communicative. When we're together it's generally great, but our time is very limited (by him). For example we could easily spend Saturday morning together but he chooses to be busy then so I head home.

OP posts:
Eckhart · 14/03/2021 07:45

I feel exhausted and I want to support him, but he's not able to support me with any of my life pressures, I'm starting to feel depressed myself, he's withdrawn and not very communicative

Do you want a relationship that's all one way, all on the other person's terms? Why is your question whether he wants you? What about what you want? You're not getting what you want. Are you sure you want him, and if so, why do you want a partner who doesn't give you what you want, and makes you feel depressed and unsupported?

ThisTooShallBeFantastic · 14/03/2021 07:48

He doesn’t NOT want you but equally I don’t think he wants you enough for it to be a fair, equal relationship right now. As you are getting so little out of it, and worrying about it is making you so unhappy, I wonder whether this has run its course now.

TheWaif · 14/03/2021 07:48

I'm sorry but this definitely sounds like it's come to the end of the road. You're not getting anything out of this.

Happygirl79 · 14/03/2021 07:50

If you have to ask the question then to be honest you already know the answer?

Bmidreams · 14/03/2021 07:51

Yes I think you need to look at what you want. You're not a one woman support unit. You have needs and wants too. Life is short, don't give so much of yourself to one person. Concentrate on you and your children.

TheWaif · 14/03/2021 07:53

Yes, you're giving him all this support and it seems like he doesn't even want to see you, let alone support you.

TheBusiness · 14/03/2021 07:53

It’s gone backwards not forwards hasn’t it? If you are making the effort to go to stay with him and he doesn’t even want to spend a Saturday morning with you, I don’t know why you would bother.

Original poster
PercyTheePig · 14/03/2021 07:54

I suppose I have wanted to be kind to him, be there for him. It's just horrible to be stuck not knowing whether he actually wants to be with me, sees a future etc (I appreciate difficult atm). I have hoped that maybe things could be back to how they previously were when he gets a new job, but could be a while.

OP posts:
Eckhart · 14/03/2021 07:55

Have you talked to him about how you're feeling?

TheWaif · 14/03/2021 07:56

But I think you do know though really? If he wanted to be with you he would be.

FlatteredFool · 14/03/2021 07:59

Game over. He's happy to use you as a support system but gives nothing back. He's got time for friends but not for you. Don't let his depression guilt you into staying with him. He's one of life's takers and it's not your job to fix him. You deserve to be an equal in a relationship, not his therapist.

Remona · 14/03/2021 08:00

A relationship is a two way street. There has to be give and take from both parties.

Sounds like you’re doing all of the giving here and he’s doing all of the taking. It’s run its course and I think you need to walk away. Regardless of his depression at losing his job, it’s bringing you down now and you don’t need that. Many relationships simply fizzle out and that seems to be what’s happened here. I bet if you told him you weren’t coming over one Friday night, he wouldn’t be upset about or try and persuade you. Look after you and walk away from this one before he brings you down further.

category12 · 14/03/2021 08:01

Honestly I think you are wasting your time and energy here.

He's getting plenty out of being in the relationship, but not giving anything. Why would he call it a day, even if he's not into you? He's getting sex and emotional support and all the benefits of a girlfriend, without giving in return. He's been reducing time and effort on his side since before the redundancy. You're the placecard girlfriend until the real one turns up.

You need to ask yourself - is this enough for me?

Original poster
PercyTheePig · 14/03/2021 08:08

@Eckhart I've asked him a couple of times recently whether he wants to be in a relationship with me, tried to give him the option to end it if he wants to. I explained how seeing him less and lower contact makes me wonder whether he wants to continue.

Both times he said he wants to be with me and seemed almost surprised by my question. He has responded by being more tactful and thoughtful of my feelings about not seeing me more, eg he will say 'I'd have liked to spend Saturday with you but I've got to work'.

OP posts:
SheldonesqueIsUnwell · 14/03/2021 08:09

He is well enough and interested enough to make time for friends and yet not you.

I get that it is a worrying time for him and you wish to support him but it doesn’t give him a reason to try to bring you down with him.

He is being dismissive and busy because he has you waiting.

One would wonder if he is too cowardly to end it and is making you do it.

Bottom line this is making you miserable. Life is too short to be dancing to another person’s tune.

I’d just withdraw. Stop chasing. Stop calling. Stop bothering.

It shouldn’t be like hard work.

TheWaif · 14/03/2021 08:10

That's just to keep you hanging on though, or he would back it up with proper actions. Nothing changes does it? He wants a once a week girlfriend that he doesn't have to put any effort in to.

WildfirePonie · 14/03/2021 08:17

What work on a Saturday? He doesn't have a job.

He's paying lip service.

Eckhart · 14/03/2021 08:19

[quote PercyTheePig]@Eckhart I've asked him a couple of times recently whether he wants to be in a relationship with me, tried to give him the option to end it if he wants to. I explained how seeing him less and lower contact makes me wonder whether he wants to continue.

Both times he said he wants to be with me and seemed almost surprised by my question. He has responded by being more tactful and thoughtful of my feelings about not seeing me more, eg he will say 'I'd have liked to spend Saturday with you but I've got to work'.[/quote]
So he's paying lip service to your feelings? Nothing actually changes in a practical sense, but he says different words.

Does it make it feel better when he does that, or does it seem like he's brushing over the issue?

eatsleepread · 14/03/2021 08:27

He has decided that he would rather have you in his life than not have you, but that he doesn't want to make the effort to make it a fully-fledged relationship.
You deserve so much better than the crumbs from his table.

Original poster
PercyTheePig · 14/03/2021 08:39

@SheldonesqueIsUnwell I agree, I thought maybe he needed an 'opportunity' to end it, so I thought he might reply to my question about whether he wanted to continue with 'actually gf you deserve more, let's just be friends because I can't offer more at the moment' but he didn't...

@Eckhart the lip service makes me feel slightly better, as I know he's aware of my feelings now. I just dont know whether this is all temporary or whether I haven't seen this side of him before.

OP posts:
Eckhart · 14/03/2021 08:43

Slightly better but not better. That's exactly what lip service is meant to do; take the edge off so that you shut up complaining. It's doing the trick, isn't it. Now you're talking on a forum instead of bothering him with it.

whether I haven't seen this side of him before

What has he done in the past that made you write that?

eatsleepread · 14/03/2021 08:49

He's selfish.

Original poster
PercyTheePig · 14/03/2021 09:00

@Eckhart thanks. I suppose it used to be easier for him as he worked in the area I live, so before he took his car off the road and lockdown happened it was easy for him to see me. Now it's more of a hassle as he doesnt need to be in my area, so perhaps he was only interested when he could see a convenient future (we talked of renting/buying together at some point) whereas now he's an hour away with no job.

I feel brutal to end it with someone who is struggling in life, if I just withdraw my energy would that be fairer? Kindly tell him I'm giving space? Then he can choose to contact more or let it go.

OP posts:
FlatteredFool · 14/03/2021 09:08

Have the courage of your convictions and take control of this as he has all the power and you're hoping he'll up his game if you back off. Raise your bar. He's not for you and is using you. Don't be the beck and call girl. It's humiliating.

Eckhart · 14/03/2021 09:14

[quote PercyTheePig]@Eckhart thanks. I suppose it used to be easier for him as he worked in the area I live, so before he took his car off the road and lockdown happened it was easy for him to see me. Now it's more of a hassle as he doesnt need to be in my area, so perhaps he was only interested when he could see a convenient future (we talked of renting/buying together at some point) whereas now he's an hour away with no job.

I feel brutal to end it with someone who is struggling in life, if I just withdraw my energy would that be fairer? Kindly tell him I'm giving space? Then he can choose to contact more or let it go.[/quote]
NO no no! Why are you 'kindly giving him space' and leaving the door open? This man is using you, and fobbing you off, minimising your concerns, and keeping everything on his terms at the expense of your feelings.

He's not kindly with your feelings, is he!

It's not brutal to say 'You're clearly not in the right space to offer me what I need in a relationship, so I've decided to be single.' It's boundaried. It's clear. It says what you mean.

Why are your needs so minimal to you? Why are you feeling sorry for this man who hurts you, and clearly has plenty of time and energy for other people, but not you?

Don't leave it that you're available to him if he wants you. You might as well stick a post-it on your head that says 'available to you to use and drop at will'.

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