Mixed messages, does he want me?

[PercyTheePig]

I've been with my boyfriend over two years, we don't live together as both have kids and both have moved a bit for work, currently live an hour from each other.

Until a few months ago we used to see each other a couple of nights a week, usually Friday and Saturday. Then lockdown hit, he had his kids more and we switched our nights, it ended up with just Friday night together.

Then he was told he would be made redundant. It was awful news an I've tried to be supportive, encouraging with his job applications, he seems to have appreciated my help.

He became very stressed and diagnosed depressed, headaches, sleeplessness etc again I tried to be kind, supportive. He stopped visiting me as took his car off the road, so all travel done by me to him (an hour away, once a week). I offered to see him another night each week, as I love him, want to be together and see him a bit more. He politely came up with reasons not to, like needing to rest or that he was seeing a friend that night, I took the hint.

He has become more withdrawn from me, he doesnt call much, sometimes takes a while to answer messages. I've responded by messaging less and sending 'easy' messages that don't need a reply, a funny photo for example just to keep loose contact when he's feeling low. Sometimes he can be quite chatty, so not all bad.

I have asked him if he still wants to be in a relationship with me, as he's cancelled our weekly night at times when he's not up to company and just seems generally less interested. I know he sees other friends sometimes, which is great but implies he could see me a bit more/not cancel on me if he wanted to. He says I'm worrying about nothing, he likes being with me, he finds me relaxing and I help him a lot, he doesn't want to break up with me.

I feel exhausted and I want to support him, but he's not able to support me with any of my life pressures, I'm starting to feel depressed myself, he's withdrawn and not very communicative. When we're together it's generally great, but our time is very limited (by him). For example we could easily spend Saturday morning together but he chooses to be busy then so I head home.

www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/dont-confuse-empathy-with-playing-a-role-of-accommodation-and-overcompensation/

He’s using you doesn’t intend to keep you in his life tells you to come around for sex then makes you leave after. A man that wanted you would want to spend every second with you bend over backwards to spend time with you. This guy is using you till a replacement comes along then he will simply stop responding to you. Stop contacting him and find someone who will love you for you and will jump though hoops to please you. Op your flogging a dead horse I doubt he would even contact you until after a few weeks don’t bother in my option

Don't give him space and let things drift on - what a waste of your own time.

Say "look [dude], I'm continuing to feel like you're not that bothered and that I'm not a priority for you. While I know you're having a hard time right now, I need more out of a relationship than this. It's not really on for me to doo all the running and all the emotional labour, so either you need to step up and show up and maintain that, or we need to let it go."

Thanks everyone. I can see I've been a real doormat with all this, put myself through a lot of effort and then emotional pain to support someone who really isn't interested. Good to know I'm not being out of order to expect more from him even if he's having a hard time and depressed.

Problem is Percy is you put in more effort you get same response so you feel you haven’t done enough so you put even more effort in to get exactly the same response. Leaving you hurt and frustrated while he’s bathing in all the effort you’ve put in. Leave him if he wants you then he will come running and change his ways if not then you got your answer and you haven’t wasted anymore time.

I would probably give him the opportunity to make an effort first, that is not always being the one to suggest meeting up. There's only so much support you can give if he's making excuses not to see you and not putting the effort in then it's time to end it.

I’ll differ, I don’t think you need to end it right now. But I think you need to do as he does. Stop asking to meet up. Leave it to him for awhile, make it equal, he has to make the effort to come to you every other time.

If he doesn’t suggest meeting and won’t make the effort, then end it. It’s over. If he steps up, then he is still interested.

I feel brutal to end it with someone who is struggling in life, if I just withdraw my energy would that be fairer? Kindly tell him I'm giving space? Then he can choose to contact more or let it go.

Firstly, you are not the only person he has to rely on. He has friends, and presumably family and former workmates too. So you wouldn't be abandoning him all alone to his fate.

Secondly, you need to start thinking about what you want, and whether you want to continue the relationship. At the moment, he is dangling you like a puppet on a string, waiting for you to dance. And you are waiting for him to tell you whether to dance to his tune or not.

This relationship isn't doing you all that much good, is it?

OP I'm in a similar situation (although mine had added complications,) but I know just how you feel. The problem is you remember what it was like when it was good, and you think if you just hang on, or make more effort, it will be back to those days. For me what I don't understand is how someone depressed in lockdown would choose not to spend time or contact someone who cares for them. When I question that I get told I don't understand depression. Like you, I've given him so many opportunities to end it. I thought perhaps he didn't want to have to bring it up and thought fizzling was best. However when I ask I get told nothing has changed. But it has changed! His whole level of enthusiasm has. I wish I had some advice. I guess the best advice has been given, but walking away or taking a back seat is so hard when it's not what you want

@Eckhart thanks for the link, it's so correct, even down to him being surprised when I've questioned the relationship, he's assumed that because I don't complain regularly that I'm happy and my needs are being met, makes sense now!

@ahsan you're right, when he hasn't reverted to the enthusiastic partner he was in the past then I've just made more effort, which hasn't worked at all as I think he's got lazy and lost respect/become complacent.

@LoveIsAllThereIs sorry you're in a similar situation. It's an easy rabbit hole to fall into when you care for someone and want to support, then suddenly you realise you've given up your needs!

Sounds like you were slotted into the gf role because you lived by his work place. That work place is gone and now your slot of gf role is gone.

Sounds like it will fizzle out. Just let it go....it was situational, logistical.

If you don’t contact him, does he contact you?

@altiara yes, if I don't contact him he will message me, the longest without a message is probably a day or so, but he's less chatty than he used to be

A different perspective. When I'm depressed being with people is exhausting, I withdraw from as much as I can. Its not that I no longer care about people in my life, it's just that I have nothing in me to give them. I don't doubt for a minute that people think Im being anti social or that they've offended me or something similar. Depression does that tho - it makes you shut down. I guess the question then is whether you want to be with a depressive because it is hard work and there are times when they just can't be there for you emotionally.

Where are your needs in all this?

PercyTheePig I didn't want to ignore this as I almost the same last year, except he was staying with me as we otherwise couldn't see each other. He was there and he was nice, but soooo different to normal. Less affectionate. Always staring at his phone or doing solitary things (which is fine but it was all the time). Reduced sex drive. He has been so much better since going back to work (we live apart again). He has told me that his mental health is still suffering from lockdown, and he is still a lot less chatty than he used to be.

I have ended up focussing on my usual things and will see how it all goes once we have a release from lockdown. I advise doing the same - do things that you enjoy, that you can get excited about. If it doesn't improve once things are more normal, you can make a decision then. I wouldn't keep suggesting meeting up etc if he's not making equal effort with you. It's bringing you down - and yes, he is depressed. But you have to think of your own mental health too,

@PercyTheePig

The fact is op you don't really know if he is struggling, not alone anyway.
You hardly see him, jeezs I see my local butcher more than you see him and I'm vegetarian !

Seriously though you sound lovely and capable of showering someone with much love and attention, why not find someone who appreciates that and who reciprocates that love back.

He is just not putting the effort in.

No that doesn't work for you (would it anyone?). He could put in a lot more effort if he wanted to, he just doesn't.

Withdraw your effort and your affection. Be busy doing things and only if he makes a real effort, consider staying with him. And then only if he seems enthusiastic and wants to spend time with you and makes an effort. If no, then bye.

I feel brutal to end it with someone who is struggling in life, if I just withdraw my energy would that be fairer? Kindly tell him I'm giving space? Then he can choose to contact more or let it go.

I think you are lying to yourself and finding excuses not to end the relationship because you are attached and wanted more. I have been there... you have hopes. But this is a classic.
The problem is that he is using you because he knows you are ok with this. Seeing you when it's convenient for him (friday night? A bit of cuddle, sex and bye) and clearly not giving you the attention you deserve.
You aren't his wife. His hasn't made any proper commitment to you and clearly is showing you he wants less of this.
You aren't doing charity here. A relationship is a joint effort or at least there should be communication and you shouldn't be left questioning if he wants you or not.
I hope you see that you deserve more than this.

And don't let him make decisions. Men like this will rarely have the courage to end it. He has it sweet.

It’s shouldn’t just be about asking him what he wants, and then just accepting whatever little time and effort he gives you. It is also about asking yourself what you want and need from this relationship.

If you’re not happy and things have gone backwards, he’s choosing time with friends over time with you, and he bothered about keeping in touch so much by phone or text, then really what do you even have anymore?

I think you’re selling yourself short here and allowing him to treat you badly. I’d end it.

He "finds you relaxing" you're not a soother ffs.

I'd walk away. He doesn't respect you

"Kindly tell him I'm giving space? Then he can choose to contact more or let it go."

What?! No, you're worth more than that. Take control!

Step back. Stop making any effort.

If he actually notices what's happened and questions it then say you've decided to step back. The relationship is getting you down and you're not having your needs met.

It's not your job to fix him and it's pretty easy to get help for mild depression these days.

I agree with all the posters who say he's using you though. Don't be a doormat.

You're (have become) a convenience to him. Either he's got used to you doing all the chasing and he's so laid back he'll just carry on like that. Or he's lost interest.

Relationships need to have some give and take, respect and treating each other as equals (at least, healthy, successful ones do). Back off and stop doing all the chasing. If he wants you he'll soon pick up the slack.
It does sound like he's stuck in a rut though, depression is a cruel illness. Not much you can do about that either though.

Just throwing this into the mix, how do you know he's really depressed OP? He's managing to see his friends and be busy on saturdays etc

Consider it a possibility that he's told you a bit of a fib about that. Claiming the depression card gives him the perfect excuse to cherry pick when he is able to see you. As long as he still gets sex and gets to keep you dangling because of your empathy towards him then he gets to have his way. If he lives an hour from you it's easier to keep up this act.

I don't want to speak out of line but consider it a possibility that he's been manipulating you..

But either way the relationship sounds like too much like hard work and you're getting nothing out of it but stress and mixed messages.

I take any mixed messages from a guy as a 'No'. If someone really wants to be with you they won't leave you questioning it all the time.