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Original poster

Abusive ex partner - end of my tether

42 replies

BilboBercow · 14/03/2021 05:21

Can't sleep and don't know where to turn.
Split with ex in 2012 when I was pregnant with DD. He was emotionally abusive and he left me early in my pregnancy. Since then our relationship has swung between cordial and nightmarish. I suspect he has mental health issues he won't address.
It's been 8.5 years since we were together.

About a month ago I did something really stupid. I allowed DD to take her tablet to his. She has her own Google account linked to mine and it appears he was able to access it. There were some private photos on there I'd rather no one saw. He probably rightly said DD could have seen them made me feel awful then went on and on about it throughout the night until I blocked him in the early hours of the morning.

Obviously photos removed, account unlinked etc. Things were ok again until a couple of weeks ago when his mood really changed. He appears to have left his job, he didn't want to take DD Friday. I tried to talk to him again about his mental health and he's said he's fine.

He's just text me at 2am suggesting I'm on an adult site which is paying me (for some reason). I've lost the plot because he does made things like text me in the early hours asking me mad questions. It transpires he's seen a profile on an adult site he's been on and says it looks like a topless photo like one he seen on the tablet. After some arguing he's sent me the offending photo with a comparison with the one I removed from my Google images. He's obviously taken pictures of all of the pictures that were on my profile The photo from the adult site is very obviously not me.

He then goes on a massive rant about a fling I had with a work colleague in 2014 and it's clear he's also hacked into and read back through my emails going back years. I was single at the time and not doing anything wrong.

I feel sick and violated and I honestly don't know what to do now. Obviously I was really stupid not to take my internet security more seriously but I'm also really concerned about what he's going to do next. I've no idea what he's capable of. It's been 8.5 years. I've never introduced DD to any other man, never made any move to seriously move on. He hates me having any kind of life. I've now blocked him on everything, changed all my passwords, deleted all old emails. How do I proceed with an 8 year old who loves her dad?

OP posts:
Original poster
BilboBercow · 14/03/2021 05:21

Sorry that was long

OP posts:
MixedUpFiles · 14/03/2021 05:47

Did he actually hack into your emails or simply take advantage of the access the tablet gave him. One would be definitely be criminal, the other I’m guessing not.

rulerbirds · 14/03/2021 06:01

All of this is criminal. He has no legal right to access your personal documents. He went looking and knew they were yours. This is illegal. He is also harassing you. I hope you’ve kept his messages? My advice would be to go see a solicitor to see if you can have an injunction taken out. This is not acceptable behaviour. Go get proper advice about what can be done.

rulerbirds · 14/03/2021 06:06

Reading somebody else’s private emails in the uk can lead to criminal charges. He copied your topless photo then sent it to you so you’ve got proof.

Abusive ex partner - end of my tether
7yo7yo · 14/03/2021 06:58

I would go to the police regarding this.

Original poster
BilboBercow · 14/03/2021 07:19

Thanks all. It was the legality I wasn't sure of, given I sent the tablet to his home. It's obviously embarrassing too and I worry how it will blow up further if I take it further, we have a lot of the same friends and the local are is pretty "small".

OP posts:
FelicityPike · 14/03/2021 07:23

I’d tell the police too before your photos DO end up on dodgy websites!

Whydidimarryhim · 14/03/2021 07:33

The only engagement you need to have if about arrangements re your child.
It is none of his business what you do and you do not need to justify yourself.
The reality is he’s a sad loser and when his life is shit you still bear the brunt of this.
You need to block him and deal with him by email.
What are the access arrangements?
If you have set times stick to them - if he’s unwell\depressed - tell your daughters Daddy’s not well. Do not engage with him to motivate him to see his own child.
It’s his responsibility isn’t it. Do not fix it for him.
If you don’t have set time - sort this out.
These men can continue to affect us after they have gone - is he stopping you moving in?
Did you do the Freedom Course? Have a lot at it.
You could go to the police with the info or let him know if he continues to harass you you do have evidence and you will go to the police.
Minimal contact with this one -

Sssloou · 14/03/2021 07:57

This could fall into the realms of revenge porn as well as hacking emails.

His communication to you even without the photos is abusive and constitutes harassment and stalking which is illegal.

This recent development has fuelled his jealousy and irrationality - he is now even more dangerous and I would seek professional advice as well as looking carefully at your safety and security.

He has been treating you v badly and illegally for over a decade. You don’t have to endure this.

woollysheeps · 14/03/2021 08:11

@Whydidimarryhim

The only engagement you need to have if about arrangements re your child. It is none of his business what you do and you do not need to justify yourself. The reality is he’s a sad loser and when his life is shit you still bear the brunt of this. You need to block him and deal with him by email. What are the access arrangements? If you have set times stick to them - if he’s unwell\depressed - tell your daughters Daddy’s not well. Do not engage with him to motivate him to see his own child. It’s his responsibility isn’t it. Do not fix it for him. If you don’t have set time - sort this out. These men can continue to affect us after they have gone - is he stopping you moving in? Did you do the Freedom Course? Have a lot at it. You could go to the police with the info or let him know if he continues to harass you you do have evidence and you will go to the police. Minimal contact with this one -
👍 Do not take onboard his shit (I know it can be beyond imposssible) Or any threats.. for what he saw it is none of his business Change your phone number and make arrangements via email only. You do know you do not have to respond or explain.

This sort of behaviour needs a lawyer to get him into line as much as possible with limited contact for you.
2am is not a time to get into mind games
Do not fall into his games.

Lawyers can sort him out! Do it while he's being unstable and share it with them.
Say No to living with this please.

Carolina24 · 14/03/2021 08:15

You aren’t to blame OP - this is on him, not you. Only a cunt goes raking through his little girl’s iPad for dirt on her mother.

I think you should go to the police. It was completely illegal for him to take your private photos, and I think this would fall under revenge porn laws.

In terms of contact with your daughter, is there a friend or relative who could facilitate this so that you don’t have to deal with him directly?

Original poster
BilboBercow · 14/03/2021 08:46

If worst comes to worst. Honestly it's embarrassment stopping me going to the police. I'm 40 and don't want my dad or brother knowing I had nudes on my phone. I will if I have to but I've told him outright now what he's done is illegal and I don't want him contacting me again about anything other than our daughter and even then only if really needed

OP posts:
REignbow · 14/03/2021 09:40

I say this kindly and very gently, but I think that you are minimising this.

He’s hacked into your email, stolen some private pictures and texts/calls you in the early hours in a paranoid state. I appreciate, that you are feeling ashamed about the pictures, but what he is doing is illegal and it needs to be reported to the police.

Also, just because you have told him not to contact you he’s already trampled all over your boundaries; so why would he listen to you now?

Please report this now (you were scared enough that you couldn’t sleep), tell people in rl and tell your family a shortened version of what he’s done. (Hacking of emails and pictures).

rulerbirds · 14/03/2021 10:09

I agree with the minimisation. There’s nothing to stop him bad mouthing you to your daughter or showing those photos to anyone. He sounds out of control. To be fair, why would you telling him it’s illegal stop him? He’s in a fury with you and set on your destruction. You could tell him an asteroid is about to hit the planet and he wouldn’t listen. He’s only going to stop if he’s told by somebody in a position of power. He’s a bully and he’s nasty. If you don’t stop him this will carry on. What’s he’s done is illegal and is criminal and he can and should be prosecuted. This is very very serious.
If I was you, I would contact the police and ask them to go see him and tell him he has to stop. Take your lead from them. You can and should be protected.

rulerbirds · 14/03/2021 10:10

So what you have topless photos? Not much different to photos on a topless beach in Spain. I doubt anyone is going to be as bothered as you think they are. It will be him who looks like the arsehole and I would guarantee he’s probably already sent them to all his mates anyway

Wanderlusto · 14/03/2021 10:17

If you arent going to go to the police then...I would tell him I was contacting the police and considering taking things further because then he'll hopefully delete all the evidence so you'll know he doesn't have your photos anymore.

Wanderlusto · 14/03/2021 10:20

But tbh I think its wise you speak to the police first. Even if its just for advice.

And if you pursue things its not like your dad would need to know specifics. Its 'harassment'.

rulerbirds · 14/03/2021 10:24

Agree with @Wanderlusto
Message him and say “I’ve taken advice. What you’ve done is criminal and you’ll be prosecuted for taking my images. I’m going to report you to the police”

Original poster
BilboBercow · 14/03/2021 10:52

Ok I'm going to speak with the police tomorrow for some advice. Thank you all. I've lived with this for so long I no longer even know what's normal

OP posts:
Redsquareoctopus · 14/03/2021 12:26

There really is nothing shameful about having nudes on a private device 💙

Original poster
BilboBercow · 14/03/2021 14:49

I've called the police. Got a gmail notification a couple of hours ago someone was trying to recover my password and had enough. They're sending someone tomorrow when DD is in school.

OP posts:
rulerbirds · 14/03/2021 14:53

So he’s been trying to get in again. Glad you’ve called the police. Insist you want somebody sent round to tell him he has to stop

toolatetofixate · 14/03/2021 14:54

@BilboBercow

I've called the police. Got a gmail notification a couple of hours ago someone was trying to recover my password and had enough. They're sending someone tomorrow when DD is in school.

Well done OP. His behaviour is disgusting. I'm assuming the notification means you changed your password and he's trying to recover it to get access to your emails etc again?

I had an ex who looked through my personal emails, messages and letters. Anyone who would do such a thing is a vile human being.

Original poster
BilboBercow · 14/03/2021 15:14

tool yes tried to access again but I changed my password again and rejected the recovery.
We've not been together for 8.5 years and I've realised his behaviour has made me put up barriers to getting involved with someone else, because I think he'll stop seeing DD or stop paying for her, or worse. He's not been violent but he's very paranoid and volatile and I worry about what he's capable of.
The hilarious thing is that he left me. In the early stages of my pregnancy

OP posts:
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