Abusive ex partner - end of my tether

[BilboBercow]

Can't sleep and don't know where to turn.
Split with ex in 2012 when I was pregnant with DD. He was emotionally abusive and he left me early in my pregnancy. Since then our relationship has swung between cordial and nightmarish. I suspect he has mental health issues he won't address.
It's been 8.5 years since we were together.

About a month ago I did something really stupid. I allowed DD to take her tablet to his. She has her own Google account linked to mine and it appears he was able to access it. There were some private photos on there I'd rather no one saw. He probably rightly said DD could have seen them made me feel awful then went on and on about it throughout the night until I blocked him in the early hours of the morning.

Obviously photos removed, account unlinked etc. Things were ok again until a couple of weeks ago when his mood really changed. He appears to have left his job, he didn't want to take DD Friday. I tried to talk to him again about his mental health and he's said he's fine.

He's just text me at 2am suggesting I'm on an adult site which is paying me (for some reason). I've lost the plot because he does made things like text me in the early hours asking me mad questions. It transpires he's seen a profile on an adult site he's been on and says it looks like a topless photo like one he seen on the tablet. After some arguing he's sent me the offending photo with a comparison with the one I removed from my Google images. He's obviously taken pictures of all of the pictures that were on my profile The photo from the adult site is very obviously not me.

He then goes on a massive rant about a fling I had with a work colleague in 2014 and it's clear he's also hacked into and read back through my emails going back years. I was single at the time and not doing anything wrong.

I feel sick and violated and I honestly don't know what to do now. Obviously I was really stupid not to take my internet security more seriously but I'm also really concerned about what he's going to do next. I've no idea what he's capable of. It's been 8.5 years. I've never introduced DD to any other man, never made any move to seriously move on. He hates me having any kind of life. I've now blocked him on everything, changed all my passwords, deleted all old emails. How do I proceed with an 8 year old who loves her dad?

@BilboBercow

tool yes tried to access again but I changed my password again and rejected the recovery. We've not been together for 8.5 years and I've realised his behaviour has made me put up barriers to getting involved with someone else, because I think he'll stop seeing DD or stop paying for her, or worse. He's not been violent but he's very paranoid and volatile and I worry about what he's capable of. The hilarious thing is that he left me. In the early stages of my pregnancy

He sounds truly awful. I'm so glad you're getting advice from the police. I hope they can help.

Wouldnt it actually be fucking brilliant if he stopped seeing her? Better no father in her life than this creep.

Im so glad you have contacted the Police OP 🌺

He's not been violent but he's very paranoid and volatile and I worry about what he's capable of.

He’s not been violent “YET”

You are correct you don’t know what he is capable of - he may distribute these photos amongst your colleagues, friends and family.

You have nothing to be ashamed of - but you should be v concerned. The police should deal with him - tell them everything that he has done (write it down before they arrive) - a context of escalating behaviour is critical.

You have done well.

Is there drink or drugs involved do you think?

Ssslou I believe his paranoid behaviour is likely drug related yes, he has been a habitual coke user. That was years ago and I've no idea if he uses now but I suspect problem

Oh dear.

I asked because I suspected that, as I have experience of progressive irrational, unhinged and physically violent behaviour with a family member who also had a coke habit.

His paranoid emotional abuse was relentless and he progressed to violently assaulting his wife and daughters.

Please be very careful.

Hi all, I just wanted to give an update. Police came out today and were very sympathetic. They agree that it appears he's at least tried to hack my emails and the messages contain implied threats but on this Instagram alone there isn't enough for a criminal case.

They've spoken to him and provided a warning not to contact me about anything which doesn't concern our daughter which he apparently didn't take well. I've got a domestic abuse marker on my address so they'll be here really quickly if I call.

I've also had a multi agency referral so social services the school and drs will be informed. Woman's Aid suggest getting DD a cheap phone so he can text that about the arrangements. He'll be texting her so will be civil and I'll oversee.

I'm waiting on the retaliation coming. I'm sure he's bad mouthing me but I honestly don't care.

Sorry on this instance alone. My concentration is terrible right now

@BilboBercow

Hi all, I just wanted to give an update. Police came out today and were very sympathetic. They agree that it appears he's at least tried to hack my emails and the messages contain implied threats but on this Instagram alone there isn't enough for a criminal case.

They've spoken to him and provided a warning not to contact me about anything which doesn't concern our daughter which he apparently didn't take well. I've got a domestic abuse marker on my address so they'll be here really quickly if I call.

I've also had a multi agency referral so social services the school and drs will be informed. Woman's Aid suggest getting DD a cheap phone so he can text that about the arrangements. He'll be texting her so will be civil and I'll oversee.

I'm waiting on the retaliation coming. I'm sure he's bad mouthing me but I honestly don't care.

That's a good outcome. You did the right thing and it will honestly make it easier for you if anything happens in future.

💐

OP, well done on contacting police, that must have been so hard to do. Now you have people you can reach out to, they will help you to see that his behaviour is unacceptable, and you don't have to put up with it. Stay strong, you've done the hardest part.

Decent outcome. Be strong, be careful with passwords etc. Don’t contact him for anything bar contact. This idiot is controlling you almost a decade after he dumped you! Any further issues, get back to the police and report him for Misuse of Telecommunications act.

@Cherrysoup

Decent outcome. Be strong, be careful with passwords etc. Don’t contact him for anything bar contact. This idiot is controlling you almost a decade after he dumped you! Any further issues, get back to the police and report him for Misuse of Telecommunications act.

Agreed

I whole heartily agree with @Cherrysoup! He has certainly been controlling and abusive since he left you. Maybe that’s why you haven’t been in a serious relationship again..?

It’s now time to detach from this. The only thing to consider about giving your daughter a phone, is do you trust that he wouldn’t upload some kind of spyware on it? You’ll be surprised at the lengths people like him, will go through in order to keep monitoring you, especially now that he’s been spoken to by the police. Please talk to women’s aid and SS about this and ask for advice.

Thanks everyone x

It does sound bordering on stalking. You've done the right thing. Be brave. And you can get a cheap phone for a tenner these days, Don't delay.

It’s interesting that you say “he has appeared to have left his job” - if you have noticed his volatility, paranoia and harassment of you has got worse it’s likely his MH / addiction issues have also spiralled and he has lost his job.

You might become (or already are) his obsessional “target of blame” as the wheels fall off his life so it is really important that you have support from various agencies as this could well escalate emotionally and physically if he is ruminating.

I would also be looking closely at his ability to care for a young child and suggest you also seek help on how this is navigated.

@BilboBercow

how are you doing 🌺