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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Relationship Advice am I in the wrong?

32 replies

Courtneylouise666 · 13/03/2021 23:05

About a week ago I asked my boyfriend if he doesn’t mind me doing a little surprise for his birthday & that he was going to be at home for it he said yes so all week I’ve been talking to him about it without revealing what it is I got some ceiling balloons and a projector plus dinner and snacks and some us a movie night he comes home after having a drink and says thanks he loves it but then says I’m going back to that mates first for a few more drinks before we watch the film but the thing is I know he won’t be back because of previous times I got upset after doing it all which he knew about and he said it’s my fault for planning his bday and he wants to do something else well he’s mot back and I feel so sad am I in the wrong? Also it’s mother’s day in the morning so no lie in for me

OP posts:

ItsNotLoveActually · 13/03/2021 23:18

You've gone to a lot of effort and made it clear that 'something' was planned all week. It's really disrespectful of him to then go out all evening with his mate.
How long have you been together? Do you live together? Have children?
If this incident is one of a long list of poor behaviour then I'd really question your future with him.

Original poster

Courtneylouise666 · 13/03/2021 23:41

Yes we have been together for 4 years live together have & have a little girl
I don’t think I’ve ever been so hurt when he can do what he’s doing tonight any time
Every time he goes out he’s not home when he says and a number of times he’s not come home at all till next day I feel like I’ve had enough of putting effort in

OP posts:

Onthedunes · 14/03/2021 00:59

You really do deserve better than this. All that effort to be snubbed.

He is an ingrate.
Can't really see him improving, you can't teach someone manners or how to be kind and thoughtful, you could just stop banging your head against a brick wall and opt out of this relationship.

He clearly takes you for granted, stop doing anything more for him, cooking, cleaning, washing, bedroom activities.

Give that pleasure to his friends who come above you in the pecking order and get his wonderful company on his birthday.

Let the git, rot in hell.

Sunflower1970 · 14/03/2021 03:59

How old are you both? You sound very young. I’m just not sure why you are still with somebody who stays out all night and puts his family last ? I think you are trying to please him and having it thrown back in your face.

Original poster

Courtneylouise666 · 14/03/2021 06:45

Thanks for your words of wisdom ladies
Think you are both totally right
He’s 28 I’m 24 I’ve been thinking for a while whether the relationships worth it for other reasons think this was the cherry on the cake
Think I just needed to hear it from someone else also to put things into perspective & ive deffo had enough of being treated like this

OP posts:

Tangogolf55 · 14/03/2021 08:09

He’s a selfish prick and I wouldn’t give him another chance. Make plans to leave or kick him out. He values his mates (in lockdown!!) more than you. Says it all.

fedup078 · 14/03/2021 08:14

Wow what an arsehole
Did he come home?

Dery · 14/03/2021 08:23

What PP have said. That sounds like a lovely treat you arranged and he’s just thrown it back in your face. He doesn’t care about you.

And periodic nights out with friends are fine and healthy in a relationship but staying out all night is not. You don’t want your DD to grow up thinking this is normal either.

You clearly have loads to offer and you deserve much better than this man. End the relationship and focus on having a sensible and amicable co-parenting arrangement. Some of the most sorted families I know are in an amicable co-parenting set-up.

DinosaurDiana · 14/03/2021 08:26

So he goes out and sometimes doesn’t come back but doesn’t tell you ?
I’d pack his bags and leave them on the front step for when he comes back.
You deserve better, and so does your daughter 💐

Original poster

Courtneylouise666 · 14/03/2021 09:40

Yeah I think you’re all right he came back at midnight and expected to watch a film put my daughter wakes up at 6:30 which I have to get up for and he’s till blaming me saying I’m. I trolling what he does for his birthday r the fact he said I could do a surprise and knew about it all week
It’s not worth fighting for I know that now

OP posts:

DinosaurDiana · 14/03/2021 09:56

He is blaming you so that he doesn’t have to feel bad himself.
I think you need to look at your whole relationship and see if he’s like this with everything, or if it’s just occasionally.
If it’s a lot of the time you then need to decide if this is the way you want to live your life. Then you need to decide if you want your daughter to grow up seeing that this is how relationships are.
Think about this - is this how you would want your daughter to live ?

SaltedCaramelIcedLatte · 14/03/2021 10:00

What an ungrateful twat! You and your daughter deserve better than this!

Has he even bothered to plan anything for you for Mother's Day?

Outbutnotoutout · 14/03/2021 10:02

Who owns the house?
Are you married?

He is selfish and I wouldn't spend anymore time on him.

Wanderlusto · 14/03/2021 10:07

Either he is a selfish, insensitive, stupid oaf...or worse...he planned this to hurt you. I had an ex who, whenever he knew I really wanted to do something/go somewhere with him, would sabotage it. Usually at the last moment.

Especially things that would create happiness and intimacy between us - because he wanted me to feel like he was never quite mine. Like I always had to do better or be...more somehow, in order to earn his affection and our security together.

That's what covert narcissists do.

They never let you just be. Never let you be happy. Neveret you feel loved. Never let you feel secure. Never let you feel enough. At least not for more than five minutes...and even then it's only so they can build you up, right before they whip the carpet out from under you.

They'll suck your soul out given half the chance.

Original poster

Courtneylouise666 · 14/03/2021 10:23

No I got nothing for Mother’s Day lol
Thanks for all your advice I think I’m done with him anyway he does do things like this a lot maybe not this extent he’ll always make me feel like I’m in the wrong sometimes he’ll convince me of it but deep down I know I’m not he’s a good dad to our daughter but that not enough for me anymore he works long days and usually 6 days a week so don’t get much time together anyway
These issues only really come out when he’s had a drink but he won’t change

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/03/2021 10:38

Be done with him and go onto formalise contact arrangements through the court system.

Women in poor relationships often write the good dad comment when they can think of nothing positive themselves to write about their man.
He is also NOT a good dad to his child if he treats you as this child's mother like this. You likely also would not want her to be in such a relationship like this either. Its not good enough for you either.

DinosaurDiana · 14/03/2021 10:38

No he won’t change, and it’s good that you see that.
Go and get yourself the life you want, not the life you’ve ended up with.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/03/2021 10:54

He's a good dad when he goes missing overnight after getting pissed then waltzes back the next day? Really?

Original poster

Courtneylouise666 · 14/03/2021 11:32

No I means he’s good when he’s playing with her and she loves him to pieces but he obviously isn’t ready to be a family man and I’ve got to put me and my daughter first & like you said I deffo don’t want her to think that it’s ok to treat me like that & that’s normal so I will be dealing with the situation and removing myself from him

OP posts:

DinosaurDiana · 14/03/2021 11:58

Best of luck for your future 💐

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 14/03/2021 12:00

He isn't worth fighting for OP. You and your daughter deserve better than this.

Bluntness100 · 14/03/2021 12:02

Honestly I can see both sides, this is bound to make you feel shit, but on the other hand I can also see why he’d maybe rather party a bit with his mates than sit and watch a movie surrounded by balloons. The question is should he have done what makes you happy on his birthday because you made the effort and would feel bad otherwise, or should he have pleased himself. Should you want him to do what makes you happy or want him to please himself on his birthday.

Did he come home for the dinner together and then went back out?

Morgan12 · 14/03/2021 12:09

It's actually so refreshing to read one these threads and see a woman taking no bullshit. Good for you OP! Best of luck with everything.

Original poster

Courtneylouise666 · 14/03/2021 12:10

Well the thing was I asked him if I could do something and he said yes and he would be home so I spent a lot of money and time and effort to do it I thought he could see his friends another day he didn’t party just went and had drinks also we are in lockdown I wouldn’t of mind if he’d told me a day or two before but he didn’t he told me ten mins before he left and he could of seen his mates the night before or night after I understand where your coming from I don’t know I was just trying to do something nice

OP posts:

youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/03/2021 12:14

@Courtneylouise666

Good for you, it's the right thing to do.

It's easy to be a 'good dad' if that just means playing and doing the fun bits. Being an actual good dad means being an equal, present and responsible parent during the day to day grind and difficult times.

We wouldn't call a woman a 'good mum' if she just played with her kid and didn't step up to the plate in other ways. It should be equal.

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