My husband’s moods control what I eat

[AlisonTempest]

I can’t believe I’ve just written that, but it’s been true for the longest time. He’s just gone to the supermarket and I found myself eating 2 slices of frozen bread from the freezer as I’m hungry after dinner. I paused and thought that’s awful and that’s why I’m now writing on here. I didn’t want to use the toaster, as he’d know. He thinks I’m on a diet, but I eat a lot of bad food secretly. Today I ate 4 cream eclairs, a bag of haribo, a can of Coke and a large bar of chocolate. All secretly and in the space of 20 minutes whilst out on a walk with my baby. I’m never sick though, so it isn’t bulimia. I have a senior role and we’re well off. No one would think this was happening. He just doesn’t like carbs or sugar. He makes comments like “oh really” or gives me a look of disapproval if I decide to eat off my diet plan. No one would ever notice that though, as it’s very subtle. We’ve got 3 DC and I put on quite a lot of weight with most recent pregnancy. He told me last year that he didn’t find me attractive and I lost most of the excess weight by being really committed to a particular diet. Even when I was slim though, he always had something to say about what I ate. I just had a flashback to sitting in a restaurant with him
and his parents about 15 years ago. I ordered duck fat cooked chips and he kicked my foot under the table. I didn’t remember that till just now. He’s never had much interest in sex and would frequently turn me down if I made clear I’d be interested etc. About 6 years ago, I stopped bothering making any efforts on that front, but the topic came up in conversation last year and he put it down to my weight and me not being attractive. I don’t think that can be true though, as we didn’t have sex after our wedding night or honeymoon and I looked very slim and lovely then. Actually we’ve had sex probably 20 times in a decade and our DC were conceived immediately in 1st month of ttc (actually our little one was a one-off, first time in 18 months surprise). I feel ugly and worthless. Physically I’m better looking than him (despite still being 1.5 stone overweight) and career-wise, I’ve always matched him in terms of seniority and earning power. I think maybe he wants to put me in my place. I feel a bit sick that I’ve let myself become someone who eats frozen bread. No one who knows us would ever think that would happen. We live a lovely life and have all of the lovely things one could wish for. Our DC are wonderful. I’m wishing that I’d never met my H, even if that means my babies would never have existed and that’s how I know I’m in a very low place mentally.

It’s really not normal. I’m overweight and DH constantly tells me I’m attractive (although I’m really not!). He never criticises me for what I eat, although if he knows I’m trying really hard to diet will remind me. He knows it’s ultimately my decision though and if I say “no, I really do want to eat this!” he’ll drop it immediately.
I think it’s worth considering what your life would be like if you were to separate. There are other men out there who will give you the respect you deserve.

@Krazynights34 as a carer for your disabled DD you're entitled to a carer's assessment. Contact adult social services for this. As part of your needs assessment tell them you want to leave your husband due to his abusive behaviour. They'll help you figure out how to do that, looking at what needs to be in place for that to happen.

Nothing less attractive than a man so controlling that you feel compelled to eat in secret.

OP this is very difficult reading, so living this life must be absolutely horrendous stressful and soul destroying. As others have said, you don't need to live like this, under these conditions, control and fear of reprimand and criticism. Please consider your options OP, you do have options🌺

If you don’t act he’s going to pass on this food abuse to your kids.

He sounds like he could be gay but maybe not even admitting it to himself, so he keeps coming up with reasons why he isn't attracted to you. You've said it yourself that your weight or your attractiveness isn't the issue because even when you were slimmer, he wasn't interested.

And 1.5 stones overweight isn't a lot anyway and not enough of a weight gain to make a noticeable difference to your looks.

Leave him and be happy. And from now on eat what you want when you want and tell him to piss off next time he comments on what you eat.

This is so sad OP.

I have no useful advice, I just really hope you manage to get away from this abusive man whether you've the strength for it now or years down the line.

I can't pretend to understand what it's like being abused/being in an abusive relationship but I just really hope you get out

Your pain comes across in your opening post. You are being abused and have been so for years. Your dh is controlling. Now that you have realised, keep quiet, get legal advice about divorce and make gentle plans to leave. In two years time you could be living in your own place, free to make a toast and put butter on it. Think about that toast. If it seems a small thing to want, it is. But the freedom to make and eat it is everything.

The victim blaming on this thread is honestly disgusting. OP, I hope you reflect on the some of the supportive comments you've received here. You truly don't have to live like this. I realise the prospect of leaving might seem insurmountable, but please seek out real world support. Hope you're ok.

Eating your emotions needs addressing, your relationship with your husband needs addressing. 21 pounds heavier than a perceived “normal “ weight isn’t that bad. You have other issues than need addressing

I just wondered this, I mean I think I know the answer but... What would he do if he came home and you were sitting at the kitchen table with a couple of bits of lovely buttered toast and a cup of hot tea. And you were eating it with that joy that hot buttered toast and tea can bring when you are hungry.

There is no joy in eating frozen bread, it's so utterly sad to hear about you doing that. If you found out your son or daughter were eating frozen bread secretly because they were scared of what you would do if they toasted it.... What would you do/think?

You cannot live with an arsehole that makes you too scared to eat buttered toast.

You ae not leading a lovely life though! He is a controlling bully and your weight and your feelings around it is a weak spot to him so he uses that.If it weren't your weight it would be something else he would be bullying you over.

He sounds horrible.

No one should police what someone else eats. He sounds like the one with the problem. If he decides he’s not eating carbs and sugar that’s up to him but he doesn’t get to dictate to you what you should do. Also I would be worried what message he would pass on to your DCs. Making any food ‘bad’ is never a good idea, especially where children are concerned. I would sit down and tell him exactly how his comments are making me feel and that they aren’t acceptable. If he can’t or won’t accept how his words are affecting you and is unwilling to change then I would seriously think about leaving as it’s no way to live. My DH is very slim and quite conscious of what he eats, I’m no where near as slim as he is but he never comments on what I eat. I’ve put a bit of weight on over the years and he has never commented or made me feel unattractive.

I just wondered this, I mean I think I know the answer but... What would he do if he came home and you were sitting at the kitchen table with a couple of bits of lovely buttered toast and a cup of hot tea. And you were eating it with that joy that hot buttered toast and tea can bring when you are hungry.

I can't speak for the OP but my ex was just like this. In fact it sounds exactly like him.

When I was 'caught' eating what he considered unhealthy food he would tell me over and over again that 'this is why you don't lose weight'. I was told I had so much potential but I ruin it for myself by eating rubbish or just eating at all ( he was a big fan of women starving themselves) I was a size 10.

I was expected to weigh myself weekly and he even dictated the type of exercise I should do. I danced for years and it meant I had very muscular thighs - he constantly told me to stop dancing in order to try and slim down my legs. I was a world champion but he claimed to be embarrassed by my dancing and refused to ever come and watch me.

Those who have missed the point completely shouldn't underestimate the impact emotion abuse can have. Eating should be pleasurable.
Imagine having someone comment on everything you eat and telling you while you're eating that you're fat and unattractive- think about the psychological damage that does and how it impacts your self esteem.

This will not be the only example of emotional abuse , I'd bet my mortgage on that fact. My ex made a big deal about where I grew up and used to tell people he rescued me from the slums. It was all designed to keep me in my place.

He is emotionally abusing her. Her issues with food are directly linked to his behaviour. Stop blaming her.

It does sound like my ex-husband where everything he did was about deflection and blame shifting onto me.
Your husband has a problem having sex in your relationship but it's easier for him to move the problem from himself to you and he can retain the moral highground for himself.
You said he's always been the same whatever shape you were and so it's not a rational argument.

It took me a long time to leave an emotially abusive relationship but the thing that told me the behaviour was NOT ok was asking myself how I would feel about my daughter being in a relationship like this when she was older.

He has messed up your relationship with food. If he was a normal supportive person and not an abuser he wouldn't have kicked your foot for ordering duck fat chips. How dare he? In a normal healthy relationship with food you can eat cake, chips and chocolate. They are all real foods. Susie Orbach wrote a great book 'On Eating' about eating what you want to satisfy your body's needs. And stopping when you are full. If you were 'allowed' to have a bar of chocolate at home relaxing, then you wouldn't be doing this secret binging. Please reach out for help to a good therapist who understands food, you deserve so much more from life. As the French say, food is life, and l want you to have your cake and it it too!

AlisonTempest, do you have people in real life you can speak to about this? Let them know what's going on? I read your post and your subsequent one of tacit acceptance and feel desperately sad for you. This is no way to live.

Thankfully, you have your own career and you can support yourself. Your husband should be made to pay financial support - and you can build yourself a good life without him. He's used you as some sort of 'brood mare' by the sound of it and perhaps there's something very wrong with him/his sexuality/whatever it is, I don't care - but he has no right to treat you this way.

Do you get on with his parents? Are they supportive of you? If so, when I'd made my plans, whatever they are, I'd be telling them the extent of his foul behaviour... I wouldn't be letting him write the ending to make it your fault. These are people who will hopefully be in your children's lives long after you've moved on and formed new, functional relationships.

You deserve SO much better than this and you know it - that's why you've posted - and good on you.

This is not normal op it’s controlling and abusive. I hope you find the strength to leave

@AlisonTempest your post made me want to reach through the internet and give you a big hug.
He is a controlling and cold man and your way of coping is disordered eating.
Please , please tell someone in real life.