I can’t believe I’ve just written that, but it’s been true for the longest time. He’s just gone to the supermarket and I found myself eating 2 slices of frozen bread from the freezer as I’m hungry after dinner. I paused and thought that’s awful and that’s why I’m now writing on here. I didn’t want to use the toaster, as he’d know. He thinks I’m on a diet, but I eat a lot of bad food secretly. Today I ate 4 cream eclairs, a bag of haribo, a can of Coke and a large bar of chocolate. All secretly and in the space of 20 minutes whilst out on a walk with my baby. I’m never sick though, so it isn’t bulimia. I have a senior role and we’re well off. No one would think this was happening. He just doesn’t like carbs or sugar. He makes comments like “oh really” or gives me a look of disapproval if I decide to eat off my diet plan. No one would ever notice that though, as it’s very subtle. We’ve got 3 DC and I put on quite a lot of weight with most recent pregnancy. He told me last year that he didn’t find me attractive and I lost most of the excess weight by being really committed to a particular diet. Even when I was slim though, he always had something to say about what I ate. I just had a flashback to sitting in a restaurant with him
and his parents about 15 years ago. I ordered duck fat cooked chips and he kicked my foot under the table. I didn’t remember that till just now. He’s never had much interest in sex and would frequently turn me down if I made clear I’d be interested etc. About 6 years ago, I stopped bothering making any efforts on that front, but the topic came up in conversation last year and he put it down to my weight and me not being attractive. I don’t think that can be true though, as we didn’t have sex after our wedding night or honeymoon and I looked very slim and lovely then. Actually we’ve had sex probably 20 times in a decade and our DC were conceived immediately in 1st month of ttc (actually our little one was a one-off, first time in 18 months surprise). I feel ugly and worthless. Physically I’m better looking than him (despite still being 1.5 stone overweight) and career-wise, I’ve always matched him in terms of seniority and earning power. I think maybe he wants to put me in my place. I feel a bit sick that I’ve let myself become someone who eats frozen bread. No one who knows us would ever think that would happen. We live a lovely life and have all of the lovely things one could wish for. Our DC are wonderful. I’m wishing that I’d never met my H, even if that means my babies would never have existed and that’s how I know I’m in a very low place mentally.