Please: I need help to be strong

[Redderhead2]

Going into the details would be such a long email so in a nutshell:
I fell for a guy at work years ago, and it all developed into a pseudo relationship. There were reasons we couldn't be together but had regular nights out etc. We were intimate but only a handful of times.
Many of the "reasons" are no longer an issue but he now says that there was a time he wanted to be with me and it was fated that it did not work out at that time, Now he doesn't want a relationship with me. He still welcomes my company and text messages etc and I guess he sees "us" as good friends. I am not strong enough to stay away but know I need to as the whole thing is making me completely insane. I am in love with him and am struggling that he doesn't want to be with me in a relationship. Other factors which could be the reason for no relationship are still in place (he lives at home with elderly parents and is their carer). All encompassing career.
I know I should block all contact but I just don't seem strong enough to be able to do that. I would miss his friendship and nights out (when we can again) so how do i maintain emotional distance? do I have to cut him off to save my sanity?

You are self aware enough to know what the best thing to do is. Perhaps send him a last text, email or even tell him in person that you can't or won't be friends with him because it's not fair on you. All communication has to be strictly work related and at work only.

Block and delete his number. It's the only way to avoid further emotional pain.

Yes you need to cut him off.
Not just for your sanity but for your future. I assume you want to meet someone and have a relationship? How can you do that if you remain focused on this guy.
I’d text to say you feel it is best to go. I contact but that you wish him well then block on everything. Then make a list of ways to fill your time that will bring positive things for you. Hobbies, exercise, study, time talking to friends. Any time you find yourself thinking about him go and do something on your list.
It will get easier. Good luck

So sorry you're being treated this way. It is unbelievably rubbish when someone plays with your emotions and feelings.

My advice would be to cut him off for your own sanity. It will be hard at first but as time goes on, you'll feel much better. Free and in a position to find someone more worthy of you; who treats you with some respect and love. Best of luck xx

Work out why your wellbeing is based around what another person decides.

Why aren't you in charge of it?

You need to take responsibility for yourself, and stop being a victim to circumstance. What things do you do that you love? What things do you do that take care of you, nurture you, nourish you, comfort you?

Oh God, I"ve been in similar situations.

You have to get turned off by somebody being so meh about you.

Really really try to get turned OFF by his half hearted ness.

It really spelled out a few things to me loud and loud. And I was in my mid forties!

@Eckhart

Work out why your wellbeing is based around what another person decides.

Why aren't you in charge of it?

You need to take responsibility for yourself, and stop being a victim to circumstance. What things do you do that you love? What things do you do that take care of you, nurture you, nourish you, comfort you?

I wish I knew the answer to this! I suspect it is to do with relationship with mum (now passed). But even that self awareness isnt helping me be strong enough in this situation.

I am a people pleaser and an appeaser. it drives me crazy that I can't seem to change it.

I have had some horrendous, catastrophic events in my life in the last few years. He is still the person I turn to so cutting him off is difficult from that viewpoint to BUT the negatives leave me so down that i have to let go of his support too. That adds to how hard it is.
Thank you to all for the messages - it is precisely what I hoped for and also hope they keep coming,..
I can't quite bring myself to block him but I am avoiding initiating contact. Then I feel dreadful when he doesn't contact me for a few hours ... I'm a mess and it all seems so hopeless

@Number3BigCupOfTea

It really spelled out a few things to me loud and loud. And I was in my mid forties!

Thank you, I'm in my mid 50s and should know better !!! yet somehow ....

Does it ever really change!? It's only a few hard knocks that have changed me. You don't automatically figure it out just because you've got older!

Not sure how old you are. I am 43 and wasted years chasing after men who did not me and were not offering me anything. I am now alone. Whilst I am fine being alone I am fully aware that the reason I am is almost entirely due to the emotional energy and time wasted on the kind of situation you described. Don't be me.

@tellmetologoffIamaMNaddict

Not sure how old you are. I am 43 and wasted years chasing after men who did not me and were not offering me anything. I am now alone. Whilst I am fine being alone I am fully aware that the reason I am is almost entirely due to the emotional energy and time wasted on the kind of situation you described. Don't be me.

55! spent almost 30 years married. Left that and KNOW that whilst these 2 men are very different in many ways, there are similarities. Some of the differences are why I was (am!) attracted to this man. Also some of the similarities! But I know what he is "offering" is not enough for me, yet parts of what he is offering IS what I want. Letting go of those positives is hard but i know the bottom line is: he doesn't want to be with me in the relationship I want. He wants the parts that suit him and it is so painful. Despite the other hideous things that have happened around me in the last few years (still happening), it is thoughts of him, anxiety around "us" that wake me at night and keep me awake and constantly in a state of stress. Recognising all of that is not helping me to get through it.

@Rainbowqueeen

Yes you need to cut him off. Not just for your sanity but for your future. I assume you want to meet someone and have a relationship? How can you do that if you remain focused on this guy. I’d text to say you feel it is best to go. I contact but that you wish him well then block on everything. Then make a list of ways to fill your time that will bring positive things for you. Hobbies, exercise, study, time talking to friends. Any time you find yourself thinking about him go and do something on your list. It will get easier. Good luck

Thank you, your suggestions make logical sense but ...Lockdown is not helping me or anyone to be able to do the things they love and would be helpful for me. I want to get back to exercise, I want to spend time with friends. I spent YEARS studying as an adult (degree, post grad qualification and a masters) so although there is a little more studying I have considered, returning to that alongside the very full time work I do (12+ hour days) does not appeal in the slightest.

Op , you sound so wise, and deserve so much more. I would be completely honest with this man and say quietly but clearly to him that you love him and want more from a relationship and so it's painful for you to continue being friends and that you wish him every happiness. Then follow through for your own sake.

One first practical step, as you have been relying on him for support following catastrophic events, is to find some good support from somewhere else.

If you did start a relationship with this man would you ever really be truly happy knowing he wasn't fully in it? That he was there to please you rather than because he was totally in love with you?

Because you deserve to be with someone who thinks that every day he wakes up next to you, that he's won the life lottery. You will find this guy but you need to be available.

Stopping contact is going to be so hard. But focus on the bigger prize in six months to a year, not the immediate ache of it all.

I suspect it is to do with relationship with mum (now passed). But even that self awareness isnt helping me be strong enough in this situation

Suspecting something might be to do with something else isn't self awareness. Work out why. What did your relationship with your Mum do that was damaging to you? What do you wish your relationship with your Mum had provided for you that it didn't?

I'm assuming that she didn't validate you, make you feel worthwhile, show an interest in your feelings? What you need to do is do for yourself what your Mum didn't do for you. So, if your Mum didn't listen to you, you need to listen to yourself. Take notice of you. You say you're a people pleaser but you don't please you, and you're a person, aren't you?

If you were 2 separate people (and you are, currently), what would the people pleaser you do for the other you?

The 'other' you is the real you. Can you separate her out and work out what she's feeling? This is a minute to minute activity. Next time you go out of your way to please someone, listen to the part of you that didn't want to do that. What does she say? She's the one you need to listen to. She's the one who says 'This guy's messing us around, tell him to go f* himself...'

Once you can separate the people pleaser voice inside you from the voice of the real you, that's self awareness. That will help you. You will be able to move forward from there.

@tellmetologoffIamaMNaddict

Not sure how old you are. I am 43 and wasted years chasing after men who did not me and were not offering me anything. I am now alone. Whilst I am fine being alone I am fully aware that the reason I am is almost entirely due to the emotional energy and time wasted on the kind of situation you described. Don't be me.

Same here. Now I feel I could choose the right man, communicate, not be needy or avoidant or need that person to validate me or vice versa but now i have completely grown in to being single. Im happy and content with this life now but i sometimes feel shock and sadness at the impact of my parents really bad parenting. Ironically, being single is another way ive disappointed them!

@number3bigcupoftea

Yes, I feel like I finally, FINALLY, could have the skills and the self respect for a decent relationship but it is much harder now because I am used to being single and the pool is much smaller now anyway. I wish I could have a word with the 20 something and 30 something me. I also wish I had had Mumsnet. I find it sad reading about women making the same mistakes as me.

Same :-/

But being single is not a disastrous fate i know.

@Number3BigCupOfTea

Same :-/ But being single is not a disastrous fate i know.

The more I read on here the more grateful I am to be alone!

While ideally you need to take control and own your choices, so stop engaging with him, I understand that feels impossible at the moment. I wouldn't usually suggest this but I think in your position I would message him saying that the dynamic makes you anxious and you feel differently to him, so it's not possible to be mates and you hope he can respect that by not contacting you anymore. If he's a decent bloke he will respect that and that at least removes the possibility of him messaging you and you getting sucked back in.

But as I say, ideally (obviously) you should block and disengage yourself because it's horrible feeling like you can't control your behaviour. Maybe you could speak to a counsellor about your issues with interpersonal dynamics / people pleasing / saying no etc?

All of these messages are so kind and supportive, and full of wisdom: thank you.
My mum didn't love me (unlike the feelings she had for my 2 siblings) and confirmed as such a few years before she died. I am self aware in that I know that lack of good parenting has impacted my attachment style, and that continues to impact the adult relationships I have. Recognition is there - changing it, a battle I am still trying to win.
Support network - I have few friends, each with their own problems and I don't want to burden them with mine (1 has had cancer 4 times, 1 with manic depression, 1 who has adopted her grandaughter due to .... well, she had to, another whose adopted, now teenage, daughter is causing huge trauma. My sis has incurable cancer, my brother is not insightful and emigrated years ago. He left my sis and I coping with my father following a spinal cord injury which completely paralysed him for the last few years of his life: dad died 6 months ago. Not meaning to paint a tale of woe - but support is hard to come by at the moment. Hence using this board - I know what I need to do, I've been trying to do it. I need to be able to "go" somewhere and have my choices validated and any weakness strengthened. Not because that has to be external, but because I am questioning my judgment of people. of situations and my choices in a way I have never had to do before. But again, none of the above is a moan, I have my health and my children who are also healthy, food on the table and a place to live.
I am grateful to all who have taken the time to share advice and support. Precisely what I hoped for, thank you. The strength isn't quite there yet, he's texting me today and I am not yet ignoring. I will.

Oh boy! You have a lot on your plate. Be careful not to give too much.

My own mother identifies with being a really good person but i know now i was scapegoated as the paranoid, difficult, emotional one. All projections. My mum has often hurt me, and her response to my pointing that out has always been martyred indignation and then to stonewall me. So, i was literally trained to believe i had no right to feel hurt, and worse, if i expressed that a loved one had hurt me, that was an act of aggrssion i was perpetrating against them !!

So my children's father hurt me horribly in ever way you can think of for 7 years. Im so lucky it was only 7 years. So lucky i got away. So lucky life is better now.

But yeh, the effect of bad parenting on your choice of partner, i paid a high price for the fact that my parents project the emotions they cannot cope with on to me.

They'd be so furious if i spelled out that link though! For a long time, i thought it was the elephant in the room that their parenting of me is what lead me to end up with an abusive man. But i realised a while ago that they have no clue. Their projections and denials have been so successful

Do you think he might not be able to cope with all that you've just written? Could that be the reason he doesn't want a full on relationship?
I don't mention it to be cruel. I honestly don't know how you've coped, bless you. If he's supported you through all this then I can totally understand why you don't want to go NC.

He doesn't sound like a man to have a relationship with but - He isn't going to change his mind if the status quo remains, there's 0% chance. But there's a higher chance he will if you step back, are no longer available to him and he misses you. Now, that also may not happen but if it helps, tell yourself you're doing it to give him a chance to miss you. This can turn out 2 ways - you cut him off, heal and get over it and move on or, all of the above but he also changes his mind and wants you back. Hopefully by that point you won't give a shit about him anyway. Either way it's a win win. But don't tell him what you're doing, just stop answering the calls and texts, leave him wondering . Ideally forever.

Oh luv. You sound like you really need some kindness and care. I think lots of self compassion is in order. Love bomb yourself xxx