Gambling

[amugsgame]

Looking for some advice please. My partner is a gambler

For context partner and I have been
Together for 7 years. Not married. We have a small child. We own our house 50/50 and pay mortgage and bills 50/50. We both work. We have a joint account for bills but separate current accounts. I have my own savings account too. S

He has a good job and salary but I am the higher earner. I pay all the childcare costs and he tends to pay for stuff when we're out which for last year is not much more than coffee here and there

Currently I earn more than double his earnings but I am self employed so that could change any time. In the last 12 months I have saved considerably and religiously put as much as I can away. I assumed he was too because our outgoings have reduced a lot: no social life or commuting costs. He was also made redundant 18 months ago and received a lump sum of money plus he found a new job fairly quickly

In theory, he could have decent sum in the bank of around £20k

I have always known he likes to gamble but never worried very much as he has always been able to pay bills and I thought he played with small amounts he can afford to lose.

So in summary; we are not rich but comfortable. I found a letter today confirming a £3k personal loan. It had been torn up into pieces and stuffed inside his coat pocket. I found it by accident.

Upon questioning he confessed that this is a second loan and he has a total of £8k debt having spent the last 12 months gambling online. The latest loan is to cover living costs for the next couple of months and to maintain the lie that he has money in the bank. He is ashamed and said he has really suffered the last year with depression although outwardly he seems happy enough.

We need to speak further away from the child, when he's asleep tonight. I didn't want to have it out fully with little one there

What can I do to help him and what can he do to help himself? I can clear his debts myself but I don't want to do that as I feel that would get him off the hook. I wonder if he's being 100% honest and if there are more loans or credit cards he hasn't told me about.

Is it possible for somebody like this to change or will it get worse? I don't think he plays with massive amounts. He bets on football and small amounts at a time but that has added up over the year. So although the debt is only £8k (apparently) he's obviously spent a lot more than this in total.

It's good you are not married. I hope the debt is all in his name. Would you think about living separately and him seeing the DC every other week.

Hey OP, I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. 💐

I’ve never posted on MN before but reading your post I really wanted to respond.

First of all, you MUST protect yourself and your child, financially and emotionally. He is a grown man and though he may be addicted to gambling he must be held accountable for his actions. And he must be the one to take action to pay off the debts and stop the gambling.

My situation was very similar to yours in that I was the higher earner although my exH earned a good wage too. I won’t go into the whole saga but he got into debt he couldn’t repay, hence having to tell me about the gambling. I was utterly blindsided. I had been working so hard to build a future for us and for the family we hoped to have; I thought he was making sensible financial choices too but actually he was pissing his money away betting on sports (he loved football but bet on any sports, even ones he knew nothing about). I lent him the money to pay off the debts and he did repay me over 2 years, only to do it again and again run up further significant debts which I then discovered. I filed for divorce 2 months later (when I discovered he was gambling again I also discovered he was having an affair, but the gambling on its own would’ve been enough).

Oh, and both times he ran up the debts he lied at first about how much he owed, he told me £15,000 and £3,000 but it actually turned out to be £20,000 and £11,000. So be aware that your partner could be minimising the debt and it could in fact be much more. My exH also started with betting small amounts, but it escalated to larger bets which he then ‘chased’ if he lost (ie trying to recoup the money through placing even bigger bets). This is common in compulsive gamblers.

I really regret bailing him out the first time. He took very little responsibility for his actions and only grudgingly had some counselling because I insisted. He then convinced the counsellor he had control of the gambling and she apparently said he didn’t need counselling any more. I asked him to promise me that if he ever had the urge to gamble again then he should tell me and we could work out together how he could fight the temptation. But he didn’t, he just carried on gambling again behind my back, when ever he was stressed or bored. He claimed he had control of it. He didn’t, it had control of him. It was his go-to response to any stressful or emotional feelings. He actually blamed me a number of times, because I was careful with money and so came into the marriage with more assets than him; he apparently gambled to try to ‘catch up to me!’ All horseshit of course, he gambled long before I met him.

Gambling is ubiquitous these days, it’s so easy to gamble and these betting companies prey on people. When my exH contacted all the gambling companies he used to ask for a lifetime ban, they all refused, only offering a 3 month ban. Of course they wanted him back, they made a fortune from him! And so many others like him.

I found the Gamblers Anonymous website really helpful, there was a friends and family section which I found so enlightening, but some of the stories there were so tragic. Maybe you and your partner could look at the site together?

Good luck with whatever you decide to do OP, but please don’t make the mistake I did and bail him out. As the PP says, he needs to be wholly responsible for both the debt and his behaviour going forward. You protect yourself and your child; if he is truly addicted then it’s unlikely he will be able to do so. I hope this isn’t the case and he can get a grip of it, for all of you.

P.s. crikey, sorry for the great long post, but I hope it helps to hear another’s experience.

SIL ended up losing her house, the cycle was never ending. He got into debt gambling, they sorted it out, he did it again and again until the divorced.

@Treetops73 thanks for your post it is really helpful to hear your experience. It certainly seems similar. I will not bail him out but like you I assume he has been saving for our future and I dream of buying a bigger house one day, and I wonder what would have happened if I hadn't discovered by chance today.

I wonder if this issue can be nipped in the bud or am I fooling myself. He won't pull the wool over my eyes again. That's for sure

I'm really just trying to process it all and work out our options

You are now aware and that’s really important, you can be alert for the signs. It can be nipped in the bud but only if he really wants to - as with any damaging behaviour, it has to be him that changes it, you can’t do that for him. He needs to be completely honest with you, and be proactive in addressing the problem.

Unfortunately in my case it really changed the dynamic of the relationship, because I felt I had to ‘police’ what he was doing, and make sure that he wasn’t gambling again. We recovered from the first incident, but it took a long time and then he did it again, which killed the marriage for me.

Take your time to process it, I know it’s a lot to take in. I really hope your partner takes responsibility and you can work it out.

Good luck, and keep posting if you need to x

Hi Op,

I can understand why you are really worried as having a partner who gmbles can have such a impact on you and your financial future and put your family security at risk.
Advice I can give is to find out exactly what kind of gambling he is doing. Is it online betting, online slot machines, betting shops etc. The only way through this is for tour partner to be completely honest. Register with Gamstop, go onto every site he currently uses and go into his membership and do a permanent exclusion. Register with every exclusion website he can in front of you.
If he is using bookie shops then moving forward I would ask him to agree to not have access to debit/ credit cards. Either take cash he needs with him everyday, or a pre_paid visa card that can be topped up when needed.

There is lots of help available, however it has to be your partner to be proactive in doing it

Hi OP,

Recovering gambling addict here. I got myself into about 5k of debt and understandably my now ex was pissed about it although I could still pay all the bills. I’m still in the process of paying off my debt but it’s reduced massively.

I finally realised I couldn’t control myself so signed up to Gamstop which literally means you can’t access any online gambling sites. Luckily for me, I don’t go in betting shops unless with a male as I find most of the older blokes in there pervy, but for your partner he may still be tempted with them.

I admit, occasionally I will pop into a casino but I don’t take my card and take a certain amount of money to stop myself going crazy but I don’t do it often. It’s good you’re not married as the debt won’t fall on you if you split.

If he wants to change it’s only him that can make the change. If he does get help and stops then work with him on sorting out a plan to pay off the debt but he must pay the debt off not you.

I really hope he sorts himself out for the sake of your family. If he gets help and starts again then unfortunately you should end the relationship as he’ll just get further into debt and won’t be able to support your family.

Give him a chance to sort it, best of luck too you! Just because someone has an addiction it doesn’t mean they can’t change, they just need to want to change.

I’ve been in a similar situation OP and it’s awful. Things worked out for us - DH hasn’t gambled for years, we are married in our forever home with no debt, but there were some very tough times before that and there is no quick fix. My advice is:

1. do not pay off the debt. It is his responsibility and part of the recovery to pay it off. Clearing it gives a clean slate for him to start again.

2. protect yourself. Make sure he has no access to any of your money/cards and do not trust him to pay any of the important bills. Check your own credit report regularly that there is no debt in your name.

3. look up GamAnon for support for yourself. I went to groups for several years and they were amazing. I’m not sure how they are working in the current climate but there is info on their website.

4. try and get him to GA. It saved DH and our relationship. He may well be resistant at first, and you need to strike when he is at rock bottom (hopefully now with everything coming out). When things start to blow over they can kid themselves there isn’t a problem.

5. you can’t stop him gambling and will drive yourself insane trying. He has to want to do it himself and you can support him through that if you choose to, but he is the only one responsible for his actions. If he’s not ready he’s not ready and until he is all you can do is keep yourself protected or walk away.

6. be prepared that this may be the tip of the iceberg.

A lot of people will tell you to leave and that’s absolutely an option. DH did some terrible things to me and his parents. However it is a recognised mental illness, and when he took money he always felt he was just one bet away from winning it all back and more, putting things right and providing for us like he wanted to. He is a good person. Now he’s free from the gambling he has excelled in his career, is a saver, and a brilliant Dad. There can be light at the end of the tunnel, but if he’s not ready to change he will drag you down with him. You need to look after yourself financially and emotionally first and foremost

Get him to sign up to www.gamstop.co.uk/ in front of you.

There are other gambling possibilities but that will stop most of the online stuff.

Do a credit check on him.

Thank you everyone

Really helpful advice here.

I'm led to believe that the debt is £8k in total: he has our sons savings in his account which I have asked to have transferred to me. He says it's mostly football bets and he's done other forms of gambling in the past but blocked himself on those sites/ he intends to block on the site he currently uses. I don't know if he will but the trust has gone. He seems reluctant to get help and attend meetings

I have made it clear I cannot help and he must seek help himself. I have also said this is my only warning and will not tolerate any more of this.

I would also do a credit check on him. I'm not sure I would believe he has confessed to all of the debt.

Do not pay his debt off. Also don't let him pay less than his fair share for the bills too. All that will happen is it will encourage him to continue to gamble. Before you know it, he'll have run up more debts.

He needs help, and he's got to help himself. He also needs to be responsible for this mess and sort it out himself

If I do a credit check, can I do it without him knowing? And will it show up all the debt he has? It's been so long since I've done one on myself

I wouldn’t do it behind his back - you need to tackle this the two of you against the gambling not the two of you against each other. You need to do it together, framed as helping him to sort out the debt and checking there is nothing else he has forgotten about. It should all show up. Any debt in his name is his and not for you to worry about (for now, obviously it will have an impact on you, but it’s the gambling that needs to be sorted first, not the debt). Check your own credit report, and then tackle his together. If he won’t do it then you can’t force him, but for me that was a non-negotiable if he wanted me to stay.

@StillUpholding

Thank you, this makes sense

I think registering him with GamStop should be your first post of call. If he's serious about stopping then sit down with him tonight and do it together.

GAMCARE are also very good.

What a horror, it seems to me it is already a betrayal. Your spouse could have played with leverage, tried other options. But your life is like a bet- everyone makes half of themselves. Will the child also love half as much?

Never, EVER marry this man, and never allow him any access to your accounts. Ever. My cousin's life was destroyed by her gambling partner. I wouldn't believe a word that comes out of his mouth, an addicts debts are always much higher than they admit to. I bet you will be discovering how bad things are in dribs and drabs, with all sorts of promises and apologies from him.

I agree about signing up to GameStop. And don't be scared to do a credit check, he should be willing to have one done
Also I would want to see his bank statements. If you see PayPal transactions this could be money going to betting sites I think you should be aware of what he was/is spending daily.
He's spent all his redundancy money plus, I imagine, some other savings or money he had in the bank PlUS the loan money.
I dunno, I'd be very skeptical here.

Definitely do not pay off the debt for him

He’s totally spent your sons savings. No way that is left in his account while he applies for credit cards

Hope you get to the bottom of it and that the end results aren’t too shocking. Do everything you can to separate your finances. Maybe look at the way the house is split and make sure that you have the kind of title that allows you to split it half and half so that if he’s spunked away his half you don’t lose out. Even if you stay together you need to protect yourself financially.

Check for money going out to PayPal, Skrill, and any of the other e-wallets around.