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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Some perspective please...new partner

31 replies

Tumblesfriend · 13/03/2021 07:10

I’ve been with my new partner for 3 months. All going pretty well, we are bubbling so so eachother 1-2 times a week when my children are with my ex.
I do like him a lot and have found him to be very kind, thoughtful and caring, things my ex definitely wasn’t.

However there has been a few things and I’m not sure if they are red flags or minor (I think I’m on high alert because of how my ex treated me) and I would appreciate some perspective on these things.

On our first date he told he used to smoke weed in the past. I text him after just to ask how long ago this was and to confirm it definitely wasn’t something he still did as it’s definitely not something I am into. He replied saying it was over 10 years ago which reassured me. However yesterday he said he had been clearing out his house and found his weed, I was confused and he said he had bought some 2 years ago for help sleeping and had it since but hadn’t used it. Now whether that’s true or not I’m annoyed that I’m the first date he has said 10 years and now it’s within the last 2? He said he lied because it was obvious I didn’t like it and he didn’t want me to end things before they started. It doesn’t feel right to me that he lied to basically get me to stay interstates. Surely dating someone is about being honest and yourself and the other person making their mind up if they’re interested or where their boundaries lie?
This happened with something else but to w much lesser degree.
I know some people have no issue with weed but I guess it’s more about the lying for me.

Thanks

OP posts:

Original poster

Tumblesfriend · 13/03/2021 07:13

Sorry for the typos.

Another small thing is that he wants to see me all the time, I’m enjoying seeing him when I can but also very much need time to myself/ time to do the housework etc. He always seems very disappointed when I can’t see him and always asks to see me again even when I’ve said it definitely doesn’t suit that night. This may be totally fine but feels a bit much at times

OP posts:

ByeByeMissAmericanPie · 13/03/2021 07:16

It’s your second post that worries me more than the first, tbh.

I can’t quite remember the exact quote, but it was along the lines of:

You’ll know the kind of man you’re dating when you first tell him ‘No’

pog100 · 13/03/2021 07:20

Personally I'd find the second way more worrying and potentially worth ending over. The first is obviously personal but given you had asked a quite personal question very directly on the first date, it is quite human to downplay something he realised you care about. As long as he isn't a stoner and can take it or leave it, I personally wouldn't care.
However, the second seems like not respecting your boundaries despite you having clearly stated them. If it makes you feel uncomfortable at this stage I would seriously consider what the future might hold.

Ardvark111 · 13/03/2021 07:20

Both are not great ie weed lies and him being needy spend time with you,!! Weed has such a pungent smell so you'll know when he been smoking when he sees you,!! You'll also have to be careful with your ex if he gets wind of new bf smoking weed around your child,!! I'm a fella / dad I wouldn't like that myself

Mxflamingnoravera · 13/03/2021 07:21

He's a weed smoker, he's grooming you into accepting it.

He sounds controlling. What happens if you turn the tables? (Eg ask to see him at a time not normally one of his available times?).

It's up to you what you do now, but he won't change or stop the weed smoking.

Tangogolf55 · 13/03/2021 07:21

Red flags!

MonochromeMinnie · 13/03/2021 07:22

Well he's a liar and a pushy one at that. Not exactly good partner material. Cut your losses OP or at least put the brakes on. It wouldn't surprise me that he's clearing out his place because he's planning on moving in to yours.

Original poster

Tumblesfriend · 13/03/2021 07:26

He also told me he didn’t smoke, a no no for me, then turns out he socially smokes...I would never lie about these things

OP posts:

KatySun · 13/03/2021 07:31

That would be a no from me. The lying would bother me, and the lack of respect for my boundaries would bother me even more.

Butterfly44 · 13/03/2021 07:35

Nope. I would end it now in its infancy. He's not honest about this and much else I imagine. The neediness would put me off completely. You've kids and own responsibilities to be getting on with. Don't need guilt trips. Definite red flag.

MessagesKeepGettingClearer · 13/03/2021 07:42

It doesn't sound like you're a good match. He does sound like a liar too.

It's so early, don't waste time on this guy, move on and find someone you're compatible with

DianaT1969 · 13/03/2021 07:44

A red flag for me on your side is that you are calling him 'partner' 3 months in. He's just a man you're dating. Someone you hardly know. Dump this one and slow down when dating.

Original poster

Tumblesfriend · 13/03/2021 07:46

I use partner because I date both men and women so tend to use that as more gender neutral term, no red flag there.

OP posts:

2020Diary · 13/03/2021 07:47

When I read your first post my immediate reaction was that it was not an issue to dump him for. Rather proceed with caution and see if he tells any more porkies.

Then I read your second post. If he can't respect your boundaries then this is a big red flag.

wombatspoopcubes · 13/03/2021 07:56

You need to stop wasting your energy on this one and throw them back.

If it has no future, just stop. You won't change him and its not fair to expect him to change. He's shown you who he is, and you don't like it for the long term. Stop wasting your time and make yourself available to date someone that does have potential.

category12 · 13/03/2021 07:57

I can’t quite remember the exact quote, but it was along the lines of:
You’ll know the kind of man you’re dating when you first tell him ‘No’

This ^

Also, he's shifty af.
He doesn't smoke > actually he's a "social" smoker. Yeah, right.
He had weed habit 10 yrs ago > actually 2 yrs ago. Yeah, it'll turn out he's still using it.

You already know you can't trust him. He'll lie and then try to undermine your boundaries. These are really bad traits.

Dating is you auditioning each other. He's fluffed his.

AtlasPine · 13/03/2021 08:00

Can’t bear a liar. It would be a game off ending for me with that profile. I don’t blame you for feeling uncomfortable about this.

GreenBalaclava · 13/03/2021 08:05

Yes, these things would bother me. The lies about smoking / weed, and (even more) him asking to see me when me already said no. It's not adding up to a great picture overall.

Sunflowergirl1 · 13/03/2021 08:06

Well he is lying and already pushing you if you can't see him.

Frankly I wouldn't want to date anyone that had done Weed in recent years. Some of the stuff frazzles the brain and to quote my doctor friend who says that part of the reason for the absolute explosion in mental health illnesses is due to people doing drugs (including weed) years before.

If you have any doubts listen to yourself

Cheesypea · 13/03/2021 08:15

I'm not sure why he had to say he found his weed??? If he knows you don't like it and hasn't used it for 2 years why tell you?
I also think your second post is much more concerning op.
Would you cool things off for a week and see how you feel?

Shoxfordian · 13/03/2021 08:22

I wouldn’t carry on dating someone who was only telling me what he thought I wanted to hear or someone who was as needy as your partner either

MiddlesexGirl · 13/03/2021 08:22

Oh gosh- you've got three things now.

The weed thing in itself I wouldn't be too bothered about if he threw the weed out and didn't use weed again. He was probably a bit defensive in his first reply and justifying his 'medicinal use' two years ago as not relevant. But he did come clean pretty quickly.
Ugh. This is early days to be so pushy. I presume he has noone else in his life whereas you have kids. He needs to realise your kids come first and back off.
This would be a no for me. A lie and one that's not going to be fixed.

ItsNotLoveActually · 13/03/2021 08:44

It's rare to find someone who is just a social smoker and I've smoked on and off for years.
Lying and being pushy - nah - move on.

Champagneandmonstermunch · 13/03/2021 08:49

It doesn't sound good. He has already shown he will say whatever he thinks you want to hear, and he doesn't respect your boundaries. I think your instincts are spot on, and this is not a relationship with a future.

Easterbunnygettingready · 13/03/2021 09:03

Back away op. Bet his response clinches the decision whether to Ltb.

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