Boyfriend keeps doing things to avoid helping

[Mbhatescf123]

My partner of 7 years keeps avoiding doing things he's promised by making excuses and recently he had promised to go to my pharmacy for my medication and kept putting it off until I finally said if he didnt do at least that then I wanted him to move back home to his parents because I do everything myself and he's always making up reasons why he can't do things and this is usually phantom illnesses that get better once the threat has passed. Anyway he promised he was going and I went out shopping and rang him about 30 minutes later to make sure he had, had no problems at the chemist getting the tablets only for him to start shouting and swearing that he had been going to go but couldn't effing go anyway now because he had a puncture on his bike he was going to ride. I immediately was suspicious because he was so aggressive and triumphant and had made no mention of a puncture prior to this and had said while I went shopping he would go to the chemist, so I said I didn't think he really had a puncture and because of many lies and mistrustful behaviours I was going to check the tyres for myself and if there was no actually punctures then I would be done with being treated like a fool. After swearing and getting angry for a good few minutes saying he did have a puncture and why the feck would he make it up and how paranoid I was I eventually said that if he admitted it then we could work through things and that if he lied I was not taking it anymore because it's not paranoia when people lie and get caught out as often as he does, he finally admitted it, but turned it into me forcing him to go while he had a sore throat and made me sound bullying and lazy and he really confessed because I said I didn't expect that he could use the bike later to go to his families and by admitting it, he could play the martyr and also not have to walk later that day. It's abuse and I know it but I feel like I'm going to never find anyone decent because my ex before him was abusive and he seemed so loving and different at first. I feel so pathetic and don't know how to stop him doing this as I'm exhausted with the lies and he's forever twisting things and making out he said things he didn't and also that he didn't say things he did. Any advice please and please be blunt as I deserve it 😢

You're not pathetic. The whole dynamic based on what you've said sounds really dysfunctional.

You say you don't know what do to stop him doing this. You need to acknowledge and accept you have no control over that. Only he does.

The other things he does is never ever supporting me when other people are treating me and often him too like rubbish. His family think I am a trouble causer because he makes it seem that way and it's constant the way he manipulates situations and he sides with other people against me even when they are making things up and he will never do anything I ask him and delights in making out that things I do to stick up for him and myself are nothing of the sort and he even pretends I am saying things on the phone that I'm not and it sounds like Im being jealous or arguing when I'm trying to support him and it's obvious now it's on purpose but I can't understand why when I'm always doing things to help him and it's so cruel how his mother and brothers and even his daughter think I'm being possessive and it's too often now and too staged to be misunderstandings but come on Mumsnet please help me because I know the truth but having it twisted everyday is soul destroying. He doesn't love me does he? How can he when I couldn't ever do any of those things to him. I am just here for money and so he doesn't have to work at his parents house and they're moving 490 miles away tomo so I will have this full time and he's began stating that I am Bound to use this against him and blackmail him and it's obvious it's so he doesn't have to so anything because he can say that I'm blackmailing him. Help please even if harsh answers xx

Also: "It's abuse and I know it but I feel like I'm going to never find anyone decent because my ex before him was abusive".

I suspect there is more given you say the relationship is abusive.

I mean this in the kindest possible way, but your bar. Unless and until you look out for and respect yourself no one else will. Abusers don't actually care for, or respect those they're abusing. If they did they wouldn't do it. Is being single really worse than being in an abusive relationship? The longer you stay in an abusive relationship, the less chance you have of actually finding one that isn't.

*raise your bar.

You sound desperately unhappy. He is playing mind games. Don't let him ruin your mental health by grinding you down.

Get him out of your place. Even if his family are moving he is an adult and should be capable of feeding and housing himself. If he can't afford a rental, he can rent a room in a flats gate. He may not like it but that isn't your problem,

You've already wasted 7 years. Isn't that enough?

Tell him to move out. You deserve better. And by better I mean peace, calm and security. This is something you nay find with another partner or on your own.
Try the freedom programme.

This guy will never change. Don’t waste any more time on him

This man you are with

Is No Good for you he is dirsturbing emotional manipulative Arsehole messing up your head.

I think its some kind of heritage thing
(handed down from his parents etc.
As in he sounds like he is headfuck ,just like his Bat shit head fuck dysfunctional family dynamic is.

You do need to ask us mumsnetters is he worth it, do you !!??
You already know the Answer

What your gut emotional instinct telling you,
well more like screaming at you !

Ask yourself why do you settle for so little then?
why do you find this waste of space Loser guy so acctractive ?

Raise the bar significantly a lot higher !

Don't allow yourself to be treated like this !

You are worth far more than this and you know it deep down,but you lack the Cofindence to believe in yourself,why is that?
What's stopping you from wanting ,having the kind of life you really want and deserve then?

Random question as sometimes or often we model(like a template) our relantships on what we are familiar with such as our primary relantship.

What kind of family dynamics did you grow up with then?
what kind of relantship is or was your mother and father relantship like then?

I seriously think you need to look into having some Therepy sessions of some kind or kinds.
there are various different therapies out there
Check out the internet to find out infor about them,

(then get a feel by finding out more infor about them, which therapies will most beneficial/effective for you.

I suggest CBT (cognitive behavioural Therepy as its effective at helping people to sort out more effectively ways solutions to their personal issues/problems etc..

Also I think counselling Therapy sessions to help you to explore in a safe envoriment, why you put up with this kind of shit etc?
this will help to give you clarity(be able to see more clearly better which in turn with new found gained from this awareness insight will help you to liberate set you free from negative thought patterns and toxic relantships pattens and you will be able to make better life choices.
CBT Therepy will be effective for this too.

I think you have good gut emotion instinct but have a hell of a lot of some serious very low/almost non existant self Cofindence issues.

I think sense you were mislead in. the past and should have /need to trust your own gut emotions instincts
you are far too easily swayed by other people manipulative ways/hidden agendas
this toxic fucked up people are no good for you,
they feed off your insecurities issues like a drug,they get a kick a high out knocking you down in what they percieve as being your place,
you are far more emotionally intelligent than that too,
You could do a hell of a lot better in life .
You have aspirations better yourself please act on them
whether its going to college to study that fascinating to you ect or whatever just do it for yourself

Stop being a people pleaser you do this far too much,
People take advantage of your good nature far too much
its really bad for your mental health seriously

Oops sorry I ment to say you need to trust your own gut emotion instincts a lot more in the past,

I think your low Cofindence really seriously undermines your decision making so much to such a extent its a major head ache for you.

Know yourself and do not let Arseholes whoever they may be undermine trip you up,

Learn to be more assertive and put strong boundaries in place to protect yourself

Even look up on the internet about how to be assertive in different situations read up about it,
you can get books on this issues you can even buy second hand books too

DH and I have our issues and seem to have the same argument/disagreement over and over again. DH is very quiet, leaving me constantly feeling silently judged, unsupported and lonely.

We have the same convo over and over ‘I would just like you to engage with me more, I feel very lonely with you’ but this has become me ‘having a go’ and his stance is that it’s ‘just me telling him he’s crap and never being happy’ which then makes me the villain

I find it helpful to put it into another context.

Imagine you’re renting a house and the oven stops working.
You call, landlord sends someone to look but doesn’t fix it just heads off leaving it broken.
You call land lord again
Landlord gets grumpy ‘you’re always complaining’
You get angry ‘yes because you aren't addressing the issue’
Landlord still doesn’t fix it.
You call landlord and complain
Landlord kicks off ‘you’re always having a go at me about this oven’
YES! Because I have told you there is a problem and you are ignoring it, not fixing it and trying to make out I’m unreasonable/whingy.

In any other context in life you would not be made to feel you were at fault, or being unreasonable, to expect a valid issue be addressed and dealt with so don’t let it be different in a relationship.

However, the shouting and swearing at you is a big red flag HUGE really as shows a fundamental lack of respect.

I'm sorry OP, but no he doesn't love you.

You say he has been treated badly by his own family. You were treated badly in the past, weren't you? In your previous relationship.

Did you choose to feel better about your abuse by abusing someone else, namely him? No, you didn't. Because a) you love him and b) you're not a shit human.

What is your situation - do you have DC together? Do you live together full time - is the home in your name or joint? Rented or owned?

Once you have taken the steps to get this unworthy fool out of your life, get yourself on the freedom programme which is run by Womens Aid. There are online ones running at the moment. This will help you spot red flags in the future. And start to believe that you deserve so, so much better than this man.

@Mbhatescf123

You clearly understand that you don't deserve to be treated this way. You clearly are at your wit's end with trying to find a way to get him to understand that.

This issue is, he neither wants nor intends to change. So you can't change him. The path to happiness isn't in changing people until they are exactly as you want them; it's in finding people who are as you want them to be by nature. No changing necessary. They will not want to change you either.

It's not pathetic to find you cannot change him. That's like saying a person is pathetic for not being able to push a building over to get to the other side of it. Their mistake is not in weakness with regard to pushing walls down; it's in failing to recognise that they can simply walk round the obstacle. Nobody can push a building over; nobody can change another person.

It's abuse and I know it but I feel like I'm going to never find anyone decent because my ex before him was abusive and he seemed so loving and different at first.

A few things about this. Firstly, would you say this to somebody else? 'You've had more than one abusive relationship, so that means all your relationships will be abusive, for ever.' Think about what a horrible thing that would be to say to somebody, especially one who was currently experiencing abuse. Why would you be so horrible to yourself? If you think he should be being nicer to you, why aren't you being nice to you?

Secondly, susceptibility to repeated abusive relationships usually stems from how you were parented. It's not to do with your inner personality; it's to do with how you've been conditioned to respond to stimuli. You have been trained, essentially, to not be able to spot signs of abuse. Were you witness or victim to abuse as a child? Were you often told to be quiet when you wanted to express yourself? Were you disrespected as an individual?

You can absolutely change this. I know because I've done it myself, and you can do it too, so you don't need to stay in this relationship because you feel you'll never find a better one. One thing that is guaranteed is that it will definitely be impossible to find a healthy relationship whilst you are still in this one, so, step one is to get away from this man.

Thirdly, why do you feel it's a choice between this relationship or another (possibly abusive) one? Why is singledom not one of your options?

Could you live separately but see him once a week, if you want to, that way his nasty family can't come after you for money.

@Bananalanacake

Could you live separately but see him once a week, if you want to, that way his nasty family can't come after you for money.

You are advising OP to stay in an abusive relationship.

No. Just, no.

He does NOT care, respect or love you. You know this. Life is so so short, please don’t waste it with someone who treats you badly. There are no excuses or explanations, this just isn’t a loving relationship. You can put a stop to it.

You know you don’t HAVE to be in a relationship OP? This one is bringing you less than nothing, so end it.

OP, he’s crap. He’s a rubbish partner. You’re attached to him but we can become attached to pretty much anything. If you stay you’re wasting your own life. You’ve got to do some growing up yourself by accepting reality and ending the relationship.

It really is a no brainer. Good luck.

Kick him out. Get rid. You’ve wasted 7 years on him.. go get a decent life.

You need to take the name and area of the murderer out of your post, that case is due to go trial soon and with a quick Google you will be identifiable

You’re attached to him but we can become attached to pretty much anything

One of the routes to happiness is in recognising that 'attachment' isn't the end of the story. We feel attachment to all sorts of things, good or bad. We have to also choose which attachments to encourage in ourselves, and which to discourage. It's re-parenting yourself; treat yourself like a child. Personally, as an example, I could quite happily eat pizza for every meal, and drink a bottle of wine every night. I'm attached to both things. I love them, they're great! But I have to parent myself with this. 'What do you think will happen if you have pizza and wine every night?', 'What will be the consequences if I do this - long and short term?', 'Is this part of the life I want to be leading?', 'How does my future look if I keep saying yes to this attachment?'

This is where the 'But I love him!' argument fails. The question isn't whether or not to stay, the question is why would you love somebody who makes you feel so so bad? And answering that question will create distance between you and him, as you recognise that you deserve better and you are responsible for finding it.

Do you feel you can leave safely OP? Woman's Aid can help. Be safe

You are worth so much more than this. If you are single it will be better than this and allow to you heal so that once someone nice does come along you will be ready.

What are you getting out of this relationship? You have wasted 7 years with him. Get rid of him and be happy. You do not need a man to feel happy you know.

Agree that you shouldn’t have named the murderer and area. Way too identifying

What's your housing/financial position OP? Is his name on the tenancy or is it your house? And what about income, does he bring anything in and could you manage on your own? If there are practical obstacles to getting rid of him let us know and we'll try to help you find a way around them. The only way to make this stop is to get rid though, he's not suddenly going to have an epiphany and stop, this is who he is.

OP it is much better to be single and not abused than it is to be in a relationship with an abuser.