An older man has broken my heart

[Sadshoress]

6 months ago I met a man through a friend. He seems the perfect gentleman good manners and polite. As I got to know him I found out different things about his life and he had had some struggles. I almost met him when he was starting a fresh. We got so close sexually and emotionally. We ended up talking to each other every day and and it was just natural to us. I'd call him when he was at work and he would call me throughout the day when he was bored. We'd meet up and talk 4 hours and and plan a future. It was like we both wanted similar things together. One of the things I realised after meeting him was how lonely I had been. It was like he reminded me to enjoy adult conversations again as I'm a mother. It was so nice having something for myself. Plus he was always complimenting me and sending me little gifts. I just felt secure and safe and happy for the first time in my life.

my gut started telling me something was not quite right. It was like he always had a woman bothering him and and he was always the victim. I listened to him and started realising he was tripping himself up. for example he told me that he was being stalked by an old school friend and he had blocked her. Then he was moaning she was messaging him. Therefore he hadn't blocked her or he had unblocked her.

I caught him out on Monday messaging someone else. I asked him about it calmly and he reacted with swearing and blocking me on every platform going. For the last 3 days I've left it and heard nothing from him. Because he owes me money I got in touch with him today because I noticed he had unblocked me. But he's obviously left me half blocked because my message won't send to him. I called him and it rang off. he called me back and was really rude on the phone and hung up. at that point I messaged him and asked him why he was being so unkind and rude after everything. I had also spoken to the woman I caught him messaging and she confirmed all I needed to know. He had been in contact with her throughout most of the time we were involved. He was telling her he loved her and all sorts. So I told him this morning I was aware of all that. He just sent me nasty messages back blaming me for being insecure and needing loads of attention, sent really childish replies before blocking me again. I have never pestered him and I have never harassed him. I've only ever asked him about the one woman and I gave him the perfect opportunity to explain to me.

Been in touch with the other lady this afternoon and he has threatened to tell her husband everything. It turns out she's married. So now I kind of feel bad because he's making her life difficult now.

I'm just sat here going over everything we've been through since we got involved. All the nights I've sat up talking for hours and all the times we've been there for each other. We told eachother everything and now I feel so stupid. How did I not see it? He seemed so in love with me. Even my friend thought how much he adored me. He would be so thoughtful.

I'm feeling so sick and stressed. It's the fourth day now without us speaking like we did for six months. I feel this huge void. I'm embarrassed by all the sex stuff we did and talked about. I'm upset I told him my secrets. I lent him money. But mostly I'm lost. I can't remember how to be happy without him. I keep having flashbacks through all of it and remembering certain days and feelings. I miss the person I thought he was so much. I just want some advice. I don't know what to do with myself. Life feels so empty without him.

I'm very sorry, op, but you got played by a con. You should be very happy he's gone because he would have brought only misery and chaos into your life. He's a horrible, lying, cheating disgrace of a man.

Does he still owe you money? Do you have anything in writing?

He's clearly a con artist and a total wanker. Sorry you got caught up with someone like that, OP.

The best thing you can do is block him and accept you will have to go through the normal process of feeling unhappy when a relationship ends.

Sounds like you might have been caught out by a con artist? Does he owe you a lot of money?

My advice would be to keep yourself really busy, mentally and physically, as soon as you find yourself thinking about him switch thoughts, if you keep dwelling , your only feeding those thoughts .
I would block him, send him a short letter saying your giving him a amount of time to repay money, then seeking legal advice.
Remind yourself that you fell in love with the false image of him, now he's showing you his true colours that are very ugly. This is not the type of man you want in your life. Look at what a mess he's made of it, already.
Remind yourself these feelings you are experiencing now are only temporary, and will fade.
Don't think your going to be alone forever, in the meantime self care all the way.

Sorry to hear that, hope it wasn't too much money. I know you must be feeling very angry at his betrayal , the money and another woman on the go.
I would stop contacting him now, there's not much you can do.

I hope it wasn't too much money

How much does he owe you?

'I miss the person I thought he was'. Remind your self of this every single time you feel like it. It's who you thought he was. It's not who he is. When someone shows you who they are, listen and remember.

I'm really sorry OP, it's a horrible form of torture, and makes you question the validity of your time together. One day at a time...

"he would call me throughout the day when he was bored". This jumped out. You were a convenient distraction during Covid and Lockdown. I'm so sorry that you have been treated this way.

How much does he owe you?

It sounds like you got lovebombed. You come off as a bit vulnerable based on your description of yourself. You should consider doing the freedom programme to be able to pick up red flags more easily. Too much too soon, is often a very big red flag. So sorry OP that this happened to tou. If the money isn't too big an amount I would forget about it and go no contact with him. Consider yourself lucky to have found out what kind of person he is sooner rather than later x

Is this the man who owes you £100?

You're well off out of it.

You'll miss all the conversations, of course you will, but it's given you the knowledge of what you want and need in life.

If it's not a large amount of money then I'd write it off, and not use it as an excuse to be contacting him.

Oh, and now you are the woman who he's complaining about stalking him... He's a nasty piece of work.

Did you post about him before? This all sounds so familiar, him telling you about all these women that are chasing him and constantly messaging him. Did you follow any of the advice you were given on that thread?

Write the money off and block him.

He's a nasty piece of work isn't he.

I'm sorry op.

I wrote on here in the past because I was confused he still had his ex girlfriend's photos up in the house. I feel really stupid because I never felt completely secure about that either. but I always told myself that they'd been separated 2 years and if they wanted to be together they would have been. Since speaking to this other woman she's told me that she was the reason behind their split 2 years ago. She was the 8th woman he was caught out with apparently. It sounds like if she's telling the truth he's a full-on liar who couldn't even be faithful to the woman he loved more than anything. I know he's never gotten over the ex that caught him out. He told me that they split because they were like brother and sister in the end.

He's borrowed a couple of £100 from me. He's paid back half yesterday but had no no thank you from him or anything. he just put it in my bank quietly. I messaged him last night to ask about the other half and he just said yes you will get it when I have the money. I messaged him back because I try so hard to be mature. I said look if you're struggling with money you need to communicate with me about what you can afford not ignore me. for What It's worth I might as well let the rest of it go unless he puts in himself without me saying anything. I guess it's a lesson learnt and it's not a massive amount of money although it would have covered a whole week's food shop or whatever.

I know it sounds naive but I think I fell for it because of his age. He's got problems mentally and physically. so I really thought I'm and he's been through so much and it's getting to sort of 50 years of age would appreciate a nice younger woman in his life. Not because I'm younger but because I'm quite a light person who enjoys laughing and having fun and at the same time I'm I was always there for him to talk to about any problems.

he's been working throughout the pandemic so he's not bored from a work point of view at all. He's actually more bored in the evenings because he lives alone. I didn't get the vibe he was bored when he rang me but I just meant he called me throughout the day whenever he could.

I guess I'm just going through the motions. At first I was upset. Then I was hurt. Now I'm angry. Also realising all those times I felt we were building up this closeness I didn't really know who else he was talking to.he blew off over something so small the other day and anyone in a stable place would just talk about it and try and make things right. He reacted by telling me that I made him stressed and I was insecure. He claimed you wasn't strong enough to deal with my insecurities. He then yesterday insisted that he had ended things because I was always paranoid and creating scenarios. This is all absolutely nonsense because this is the first time I've questioned him on another woman. he also used to react badly when I used to say to him are you sure you want a future with my children in it. I was always checking that having a little family around him wouldn't be too much for him. He used to react really badly to those questions and accuse me of overthinking.

I'm sure I will get there it's just realising that someone could do that to you. I couldn't have done anything against him ever he meant too much. I thought we had eachothers backs.

Thanks for all the replies. I just need to remember life before him and I know it was much less stressful. I've been very up and down being involved with him. His moods affected how I felt and it was constantly changing.

Thanks again for the replies.

Sorry for the really confusing paragraph in the middle. I was using my microphone to reply and I should have proof read!

You will get over him. Tell yourself he wasn't the man he was telling you he was. He was playing on your emotions.

Men in their late 40s are no more reliable (or unreliable) than younger men, although the ones that find themselves on their own at that point may be having the ‘mid-life crisis’ that is the male menopause and not handling it well.

Bit embarrassing yes, but you are well shot of this one and I consider the remaining £100 money well spent.

I’d also be asking your friend whether she realised what a bastard he was when she introduced you, and filling her in on all the details before she introduces him to anyone else. Some men carry on this lifestyle by relying on their victims to keep quiet.

Look it was only 6 months . You say you had gut feelings and started to question him so you are not totally stupid and this was why he started to change . This kind of man insinuates himself into your life and it is difficult to get over that but you will . He will have a million excuses as to why things are your fault . Cease contact with him . Your life is a million times better without this manipulator .

You poor thing, it's such a horrible feeling. If he crawls back, do not reply.

That's awful OP, I'm so sorry. You have nothing to be embarrassed about. He played you and you were kind and honest. Keep reminding yourself he's not the man you thought he was

Block him and her on everything...don't get drawn into his/their drama. Using the money as an excuse to keep messaging him is fruitless...write it off and move on.

He’s a shit. You’d need to think very carefully about whether you should like, respect or trust a shit.