An older man has broken my heart

[Sadshoress]

6 months ago I met a man through a friend. He seems the perfect gentleman good manners and polite. As I got to know him I found out different things about his life and he had had some struggles. I almost met him when he was starting a fresh. We got so close sexually and emotionally. We ended up talking to each other every day and and it was just natural to us. I'd call him when he was at work and he would call me throughout the day when he was bored. We'd meet up and talk 4 hours and and plan a future. It was like we both wanted similar things together. One of the things I realised after meeting him was how lonely I had been. It was like he reminded me to enjoy adult conversations again as I'm a mother. It was so nice having something for myself. Plus he was always complimenting me and sending me little gifts. I just felt secure and safe and happy for the first time in my life.

my gut started telling me something was not quite right. It was like he always had a woman bothering him and and he was always the victim. I listened to him and started realising he was tripping himself up. for example he told me that he was being stalked by an old school friend and he had blocked her. Then he was moaning she was messaging him. Therefore he hadn't blocked her or he had unblocked her.

I caught him out on Monday messaging someone else. I asked him about it calmly and he reacted with swearing and blocking me on every platform going. For the last 3 days I've left it and heard nothing from him. Because he owes me money I got in touch with him today because I noticed he had unblocked me. But he's obviously left me half blocked because my message won't send to him. I called him and it rang off. he called me back and was really rude on the phone and hung up. at that point I messaged him and asked him why he was being so unkind and rude after everything. I had also spoken to the woman I caught him messaging and she confirmed all I needed to know. He had been in contact with her throughout most of the time we were involved. He was telling her he loved her and all sorts. So I told him this morning I was aware of all that. He just sent me nasty messages back blaming me for being insecure and needing loads of attention, sent really childish replies before blocking me again. I have never pestered him and I have never harassed him. I've only ever asked him about the one woman and I gave him the perfect opportunity to explain to me.

Been in touch with the other lady this afternoon and he has threatened to tell her husband everything. It turns out she's married. So now I kind of feel bad because he's making her life difficult now.

I'm just sat here going over everything we've been through since we got involved. All the nights I've sat up talking for hours and all the times we've been there for each other. We told eachother everything and now I feel so stupid. How did I not see it? He seemed so in love with me. Even my friend thought how much he adored me. He would be so thoughtful.

I'm feeling so sick and stressed. It's the fourth day now without us speaking like we did for six months. I feel this huge void. I'm embarrassed by all the sex stuff we did and talked about. I'm upset I told him my secrets. I lent him money. But mostly I'm lost. I can't remember how to be happy without him. I keep having flashbacks through all of it and remembering certain days and feelings. I miss the person I thought he was so much. I just want some advice. I don't know what to do with myself. Life feels so empty without him.

I understand the age thing...you probably felt that because he was punching up with you, he wouldnt be any drama because he knew was lucky. Often doesn't work that way unfortunately. Hist strokes their ego and makes them think 'well if this one like me, maybe I can get even more!'

All else aside, he is scummy.

Thanks. I'm not really using the money as an excuse to contact him. I'm not rolling in money and it was out of my savings for UK holidays for the kids. I'd saved £400 so I want it back for that reason. But if I don't get the rest it will be ok.

I just don't understand his end goal in life. I just presumed he wanted normal things long term. Someone to come home to. Someone to have days with and to eventually live together. I just don't see how he as was ever gunna be happy messing women around. Especially because last year he hit rock bottom. I've been supporting him the best I can with his recovery. If he was awake at 3am id call him. I did all that because I thought we had was real.

He felt like a soul mate that's how amazing he made me feel. I've never connected with any of my ex's like I did him. He claimed the same. But I'm guessing that was another lie.

I am keeping busy today having a massive clear out at home. I am thinking it's perhaps wise to block the other women now. I appreciate her information. But two days ago she had also blocked him, then yesterday he blocked her after having ago. She claimed she thought she had blocked him. That's exactly what he claimed about her. What's with all this unblocking and blocking? Ive honestly never had to use it and it's absolutely ridiculous how often they have blocked eachother from what they have both told me. This women's been letting him play her for two years even though she's married. He's kicked her away several times and she said that he's very clever at getting back in your head and she falls for it everytime. I just think I honestly couldn't put myself through this week even once more.

He sounds like a lost cause having to borrow £100 of a woman he's newly dating and can't even manage to pay it all back not to mention all the drama with a married woman, you'll be just fine on your own looking after yourself and your children, when you meet someone better you'll wonder why you gave him a second thought.

Block the whole lot.

His end goal is having his ego stroked. That's still happening because (in his head) two women are now fighting over him.

A lot of people don't just want a person and a happy home to come home to. They just want to..
take. They aren't normal people but unfortunately, they are common.

He's a dickhead. Has he borrowed money if the other woman as well, did you ask her that? Try and get your money back and move on. He's not who he was pretending to be.

It was only 6 months. That is no time at all to know what someone is really about. And as one other person said - you did extricate yourself.

Think about how much you have learned here. Going forward:

Firstly - I would caution against making the assumption that mutual 'confession' means anything. This is a common mistake. In time I have come to believe that very quick revelations and 'sharing' is actually a bit of a red flag.

Secondly, discount all text conversations - I think they build an illusion of closeness and intimacy. Only time spent in the real world means anything.

Thirdly: Quit with sex texting and no photos. Builds false intimacy. Can be used against you. Unnecessary. Unreal.

Fourth: Withold and watch. Don't share stuff - especially personal stuff where you have been hurt. Through this practice you will come to understand what real trust feels like. When you really trust, then you can share - however I still have come to believe that boundaries are a good idea and showing how much someone has hurt you in the past does not achieve anything. Talk about it in a dispassionate way, but don't show your underbelly.

That's 60 years and about many lovers worth of experience!

Thanks everyone. I am definitely seeing it more and more clearly now.

Let's face it. If he cared he would have been in touch by now. Not one tiny sign of appreciation or anything. So there we go.

I have learned lots of lessons. I think he is very good at what he does. Although he isn't a catch really when you think he's got no money, no property in his name, his vehicle is currently off road.

He's choosen this lifestyle. Good luck to him.
.the married lady never Lent him money.

She's mid forties and I have to say she seems very allover the place. She's married anyway and has kids. She loves two hours away. She's let him come and go. She left her husband for him but they've sorted their relationship. Yet she's still been sneakily staying in touch. I wish I understood what hold he has over her. Because she's spent two years of her life being tossed away and pulled back in.

Perhaps it's the bad boy in him that appealed to us both. He's loud and not scared of much. Although he's also broken and emotional. I guess he does come across more fun than your quieter blokes. But he's exhausting to be involved with. He is the most complex relationship I've ever had.
It's funny how stupid we can be for a man sometimes.

Thanks for your replies. I'm gunna keep moving forward and be thankful I got away.

Hey. Just wanted to say I was in exactly your position, I could have written your post word for word!

All I’ll say is, I blocked and avoided him at all costs, time is a great healer and I’m getting there. The longer I’m away from him the more I realise he wasn’t right in the head. Predatory, narcisstic men, you don’t need that in your life. Hes still up to his old tricks elsewhere but I’m not involved at all thankfully. You’re worth more.

Oh dear OP. You have moved way too fast!

He’s clearly a chancer. Why is he borrowing money if he has a job? When someone asks you for money OP ask yourself why they would choose to ask you rather than other people that they have known a lot longer. That should of been a major red flag alone.

Be glad you caught him out.

“He’s clearly a chancer. Why is he borrowing money if he has a job? When someone asks you for money OP ask yourself why they would choose to ask you rather than other people that they have known a lot longer. That should of been a major red flag alone”

This with bells on.

OP - this is a huge disappointment for you but this episode has also shown that your instincts are well-honed and also that you’re willing to listen to them and to your head even when your heart doesn’t like what it’s hearing. So that’s all excellent.

And as a PP has noted, don’t rely on a man’s age as a measure of his reliability. If a man has reached middle age with a patchy relationship history, that tells you who he is. And if a middle-aged man has to borrow money off a single mother, that also tells you he’s to be avoided.

It seems to be a theme at the moment - younger women being taken advantage of by older men.

Blimey you can't do right for wrong with men can you.

I always thought it was the older man/more money security thing with younger women.
That was the exchange, money for the tolerating of an old decaying body.
Seems they want everthing now, youth and the ability to sponge off them aswell.

My estimation of men just gets higher and higher.

Op do you feel like you have a bit of a rescuer complex? It comes across that way to me. Read up on it.

Yes this guy is scum but you are not. Work on your boundaries, focus on keeping busy and good things will come to you. I’d have no further contact with him, the money is not worth your peace of mind

Older divorced men are generally the biggest players. You must know they are broke having mostly given all to wife and kids and still paying maintenance in some cases. This has made them bitter, woman haters!!

When they are trying to rebuilt the last thing they want is a younger woman wanting to be secured. They want to build up....have lots of sex and talk of the mid 30's ladies as desperate to have a relationship that's heavy and going somewhere. Very few want anything more than fun in-between the sheets with as many woman as are willing to spread Thier legs.

@Wanderlusto

I understand the age thing...you probably felt that because he was punching up with you, he wouldnt be any drama because he knew was lucky. Often doesn't work that way unfortunately. Hist strokes their ego and makes them think 'well if this one like me, maybe I can get even more!'

All else aside, he is scummy.

@wanderlusto this is so true, and more common than I think we believe. I think their status and wealth, which often increases with their age, adds to this mindset. Plus they're not as scared of being alone if they've had that lifestyle for a while

Onthedunes you're right. It's always been an EXCHANGE not a PREFERENCE for the young girl to go with the looks challenged crinkly for security if she was in an environment where her own age couldn't provide.

These days the crinklies have cottoned on to this and use the OLD sites especially to abuse young girls. Make them think there is security and stability but really they are running game on alot of girls at the same time. These coffin dodgers are now expert at saying to the young girls they are stable, mature and want that final person to settle with. Such a con! Don't do it!

@Sadshoress sending you virtual hugs xx

Have you spoken to your friend who introduced you both? That person needs to be told that he’s a con artist and not to introduce him to anyone else. It’s disgusting. He’s taking money off single mums. He’s a user. Tell your friend that he’s a con artist and he now owes you money and you’re considering taking him to small claims court. You think it’s best your friend blocks him and doesn’t introduce him to any other women. Why did that friend introduce you both?

He's a liar and a cheat. On top of that he is no catch at all. Forget everything he said and forget why he did what he did and how he feels. Because he doesn't feel anything for you or these other women - if he did he wouldn't be cheating on you all.

I dated a man who said all amazing things to me. I thought at the time it was a bit OTT (a load of BS about destiny etc) but I liked him so enjoyed dating him. Spoke for hours on the phone every day. Then started coming up with excuses why we couldn't see each other. Things started not ringing true and I saw him on a dating site. He had weirdly changed his profile info to what was basically a description of my personality and my likes and not his.

But anyway, I went into my messages and deleted all our conversations and blocked him. He is clearly a liar and a fantasist. I moved on with my life, carried on dating and have been with my amazing boyfriend for 6 months now. He is honest, loving, faithful, transparent and amazing. Glad I didn't waste any more time on that loser.

So my advice to you is to forget him and set your bar a lot higher.

@ Sakurami oh dear. I had same experience as you. Great start, catching out on things not ringing true, found him on same dating site and had stolen my initial strap-line. I put seeking boyfriend material (he put seeking girlfriend material).

He had also put how he loves to cook sunday roasts. Funny as he had started to become too busy to see me and had been cooking sunday roasts at his with his online dates lol.

@ Sadshoress whenever you date a man and he tells you.....
he is being bothered/stalked/wanted by and ex or his ex was a bunny boiler. Put your shoes on and RUN. Because when he is finished with you in a very abrupt unexpected manner you will be running after him trying to get closure 'like the others' and he will call you a bunny boiler.

Keep away from men who have BUNNY boiler stories. The problem is them. They are crazy not the women they shagged and dumped out of the blue.

I understand and have some experience in what you’re going through. The lesson I learnt is that while you’re trying to understand him and ruminating he won’t be even thinking of you at all. AT ALL. It’s all about him and it’s a game. I wasted years doing this and now I look back and raise my eyes in disbelief. He’s not worth it clearly.