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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He's Gone Cold

49 replies

FranklymydearIdogiveadamn · 12/03/2021 14:04

Recently an old friend has come back into my life, we have known each other nearly 40 years (we went to school together) and around 10 years ago we were very close friends, almost like best friends (nothing romantic). Friends always said we had a special bond and they believed we would eventually end up together, I thought maybe he had feelings for me but we never went there, he would spend weekends round my house and we were very close.

I lost touch with him for 10 years and recently I got back into contact, we immediately went back into our friendship, we just click and get each other. We text constantly, he knows absolutely every single detail of my life from child to adult I cant emphasize how much he knows, we have grown closer & closer and I suddenly realized I do in fact have feelings for him, this naturally progressed and we both declared our feelings for one another – I really felt this was it.

However yesterday he asked me how I voted in brexit, I said I voted remain but I can see why other people voted leave. He is a hardened remainer and views everyone who voted leave as fascists! I said you cant say that. Anyway after this contact stopped. I woke up this morning and sent him a very long detailed explanation of my views on brexit, basically why I voted remain but also why I think others voted leave and how its unfair to label every person a fascist, uneducated, racist bigot just because they voted leave. Anyway 4 hours later! (which is extremely long wait for him) he sent me a message just saying ‘morning, day off, another long weekend to look forward to’….that's it nothing else, no comment about what I sent just a very cold reply. I’m so upset, I mean its not even like I voted the opposite way of him! I thought we were so close but its like he's suddenly done a 180 on me. I’ve left it at that and am not sure what I should do now, shall I just leave it, not contact him again – its probably best not to push him right? I just feel so deflated I don’t know what to do

OP posts:
MaLarkinn · 12/03/2021 14:15

I wouldn't respond to a text like that either, can't see he's done anything wrong.

It was sort of unnecessary to send your text.

Original poster
FranklymydearIdogiveadamn · 12/03/2021 14:17

I see your point, but that's how our conversations go, he messaged me yesterday with his views so why shouldn't I give mine?

OP posts:
RantyAnty · 12/03/2021 14:19

Have you seen him in person again?

I'd just leave it.

edwinbear · 12/03/2021 14:24

He's telling you he wants to agree to disagree, otherwise you'll end up falling out over it and he doesn't want that.

Cas112 · 12/03/2021 14:29

Just leave it and move on, most friends and family have different views on politics, politics will always have heated topics. best to just move on and not let it cause an issue

tellmetologoffIamaMNaddict · 12/03/2021 14:30

I agree he probably didn't want to get into it. FWIW I am where you are - voted remain but don't believe everyone who voted leave is a racist and I have my own criticisms of the EU. For remainer fundamentalists sometimes it almost feels like a religion. It seems to go so deep into their identity. I find it a bit odd. I would avoid the topic for a bit as I doubt he is capable of nuance on this issue.

confused1974 · 12/03/2021 14:32

See how things go, don't mention it again. Honestly you might be making a mountain out of something that's not a problem. And if it IS a problem then do you want to be friends with someone so intolerant?

Just forget about it and go back to how you were before

Original poster
FranklymydearIdogiveadamn · 12/03/2021 14:32

Right, I guess I'll wait it out then? I told him I don't like to discuss brexit but I felt he pressed me on it, I don't feel like I should just sit back and agree with his views. I guess because he feels so strongly about the subject this was a make or break question for him. I definitely rather never talk about it again - I didn't want to in the first place.

OP posts:
tellmetologoffIamaMNaddict · 12/03/2021 14:36

Urgh, that would do my head in. Is he this dogmatic about everything?

autumnalrain · 12/03/2021 18:13

Regardless of brexit, do you want to be with someone who handles conflict like this?

Original poster
FranklymydearIdogiveadamn · 12/03/2021 18:28

It's just I thought I knew this person so well, he knows me so well, we have so much history together. It's not like a person I just met.

I'm so surprised he's gone aloof on me, he just kind of left me hanging and hasn't told me what I've done wrong.

I haven't replied to his morning text as it was closed off, there was no open question there for me to reply to, it's a very out of character text, usually there is humour there...

I just don't know what to do now.

OP posts:
category12 · 12/03/2021 18:46

Well he did reply to you, so it's not like he's told you to get to fuck or anything. Maybe he's waiting for you to reply?

You've got several choices, say something like

  • "you're quiet today, have we fallen out?"
  • or "i feel a bit discombulated by our Brexit convo, but don't want to fall out about it, can we talk? Not about Brexit! Grin"
  • or ignore and try to re-engage as if nothing's happened "hi [dude] been a long old day, hasn't it? Weekend starts here! what are you up to?"
Or something.

Or you can just wait. But that seems weird cos it's your "turn" to reply really.

Surely worth trying to find out what's going on after 40 years.

Original poster
FranklymydearIdogiveadamn · 12/03/2021 19:06

@category12

Well he did reply to you, so it's not like he's told you to get to fuck or anything. Maybe he's waiting for you to reply?

You've got several choices, say something like

  • "you're quiet today, have we fallen out?"
  • or "i feel a bit discombulated by our Brexit convo, but don't want to fall out about it, can we talk? Not about Brexit! Grin"
  • or ignore and try to re-engage as if nothing's happened "hi [dude] been a long old day, hasn't it? Weekend starts here! what are you up to?"
Or something.

Or you can just wait. But that seems weird cos it's your "turn" to reply really.

Surely worth trying to find out what's going on after 40 years.

Thanks for your reply

I guess I should try that, I'm just very nervous about his reply. I think maybe I'm just worried he thinks things have suddenly gone quickly between us and maybe now he's regretting what's happening. Something has definitely changed, i was lighthearted in my early morning text, it wasn't all serious & heavy.

OP posts:
category12 · 12/03/2021 19:14

Well, you're anxious already, so it's not like doing nothing is helping.

At least you'll know what's going on if he replies/doesn't reply.

DarthWeeder · 12/03/2021 19:15

He’s giving you a perfect display of how he handles disagreements or conflict or differences of opinion, or whatever you want to call it.

His way of dealing with it is to go cold (and I do believe that he’s gone cold from his reply - after all, you think he has and you know him and his text style better than we do).

What would I do - absolutely nothing. Maybe on Sunday night if you haven’t heard from him I’d text “hope you’ve had a good weekend” but I would definitely raise this episode in person next time you see him.

category12 · 12/03/2021 19:19

Hmm, but surely OP not responding all day and potentially dragging the silence out all weekend isn't exactly brilliant communication skills or relationship management either, is it? Hmm

Original poster
FranklymydearIdogiveadamn · 12/03/2021 19:25

@category12

Hmm, but surely OP not responding all day and potentially dragging the silence out all weekend isn't exactly brilliant communication skills or relationship management either, is it? Hmm
Well I text him your suggestion of 'you've gone quiet today, have we fallen out'....he's not responded as yet -I know it's not long but he usually texts back immediately. So guess I'm about to find out. It will be a surprise & shame if he's thrown away 40 ish years of friendship.
OP posts:
Original poster
FranklymydearIdogiveadamn · 12/03/2021 19:29

@category12

Hmm, but surely OP not responding all day and potentially dragging the silence out all weekend isn't exactly brilliant communication skills or relationship management either, is it? Hmm
Well he just replied saying 'he's been busy all day looking for some happiness 😜'. This refers to my text yesterday when I said he needs to chill out and find some happiness, he obviously took that very badly.
OP posts:
cansu · 12/03/2021 19:34

Sounds like a real baby

Original poster
FranklymydearIdogiveadamn · 12/03/2021 19:36

@cansu

Sounds like a real baby
Yeah, I think your right, I've actually never seen this side of him! 😬
OP posts:
Eslteacher06 · 12/03/2021 19:42

This is too much effort... seriously

Original poster
FranklymydearIdogiveadamn · 12/03/2021 19:49

@Eslteacher06

This is too much effort... seriously

Yep, you could be right, he seems very mardy, he's still off with me, I mean I'm pretty easy going but I'm not sure I can put up with this level of moodiness, especially at this stage,

OP posts:
Livelovebehappy · 12/03/2021 19:50

This is kind of controlling behaviour. He’s letting you see his displeasure at you having a different opinion to his,and you’re already indicating in this post that you will avoid the subject in future. If you go down that route, you’ll end up walking on eggshells, not knowing what’s going to set him off, so avoiding voicing your own opinions.

Feelingconfusedtonight · 12/03/2021 19:52

@autumnalrain

Regardless of brexit, do you want to be with someone who handles conflict like this?
This
Original poster
FranklymydearIdogiveadamn · 12/03/2021 19:55

@Livelovebehappy

This is kind of controlling behaviour. He’s letting you see his displeasure at you having a different opinion to his,and you’re already indicating in this post that you will avoid the subject in future. If you go down that route, you’ll end up walking on eggshells, not knowing what’s going to set him off, so avoiding voicing your own opinions.

Yep your right, I do avoid that subject with most people as it's a heated topic and I don't like confrontation, but I wasn't willing to sit back and not say anything. I guess everyone should have a partner who you can talk freely to without having to fear the fallout 🙄....

OP posts:
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