He's Gone Cold

[FranklymydearIdogiveadamn]

Recently an old friend has come back into my life, we have known each other nearly 40 years (we went to school together) and around 10 years ago we were very close friends, almost like best friends (nothing romantic). Friends always said we had a special bond and they believed we would eventually end up together, I thought maybe he had feelings for me but we never went there, he would spend weekends round my house and we were very close.

I lost touch with him for 10 years and recently I got back into contact, we immediately went back into our friendship, we just click and get each other. We text constantly, he knows absolutely every single detail of my life from child to adult I cant emphasize how much he knows, we have grown closer & closer and I suddenly realized I do in fact have feelings for him, this naturally progressed and we both declared our feelings for one another – I really felt this was it.

However yesterday he asked me how I voted in brexit, I said I voted remain but I can see why other people voted leave. He is a hardened remainer and views everyone who voted leave as fascists! I said you cant say that. Anyway after this contact stopped. I woke up this morning and sent him a very long detailed explanation of my views on brexit, basically why I voted remain but also why I think others voted leave and how its unfair to label every person a fascist, uneducated, racist bigot just because they voted leave. Anyway 4 hours later! (which is extremely long wait for him) he sent me a message just saying ‘morning, day off, another long weekend to look forward to’….that's it nothing else, no comment about what I sent just a very cold reply. I’m so upset, I mean its not even like I voted the opposite way of him! I thought we were so close but its like he's suddenly done a 180 on me. I’ve left it at that and am not sure what I should do now, shall I just leave it, not contact him again – its probably best not to push him right? I just feel so deflated I don’t know what to do

Do you really want to have a friendship with someone with such uncompromising views?

You said what you wanted to say, so I'd call it quits and block

Jeez. I think you're far too serious and over analysing everything! Just carry on chatting as normal!! If anything, you're the one messing things up!!!

Well I'm trying to chat as normal light heartedly, but he's not! That's the problem...not me

He sounds like a tit OP.

What @londonscalling said.
Be happy
Get on with your day.
He'll come round.
No need to mention this ever again.
Me and dh don't agree about everything but don't spend hours over it.
Too busy enjoying all the stuff we do
Agree on.
Sounds like you've got a good thing going. Focus on that.

Brexit aside, how is his mental health?

His reply rings a bell for me.

Anyone telling me to chill out and try and find some happiness would piss me right off. Patronising as fuck. That's maybe what has silenced him, rather than Brexit discussions.

@FranklymydearIdogiveadamn

Well I'm trying to chat as normal light heartedly, but he's not! That's the problem...not me

I feel like at this point, I'd probably say "you know what, you've clearly got the arse with me over the brexit conversation we had. If you want to fall out over it, whatever, let's leave it here - if you don't, start making some effort to build a bridge and get over it."

Red flags. If he is so sulky about your conversation I would take a big step back. You should be able to communicate open and honestly not treading on eggshells. I would leave him to stew and if he’s so immature you know he is not worth bothering with

I get he seems off with you compared to how things usually are between the who of you, but being passive aggressive or jumping to conclusions isn't mature and isn't going to help.

You say you really like him. If that's genuine then you need to take a deep breath and communicate. Ask him if he's ok, if the conversation about Brexit has upset him.

If it has, then you have two options. 1) talk to him and explain that disagreements WILL happen and you don't want silence or awkwardness everytime you disagree. Ask that he works on this. 2) talk to him and explain that it's too intense for you, that you need to be able to express yourself and therefore you only want to stay friends.

Don't ignore him or be cold with him back. But equally I agree that if he is being funny, then you need to address it as it's controlling for him to get in moods anytime you have a view different to his.

@awesomekillick

Anyone telling me to chill out and try and find some happiness would piss me right off. Patronising as fuck. That's maybe what has silenced him, rather than Brexit discussions.

I do think this maybe is contributing factor why he's gone off. I was only being my sarcastic self, I didn't mean it, I was trying to move the conversation away from brexit but it backfired.

After he sent me the 'I was busy trying to find some happiness 😜' text, he sent one more message straight after, I replied and then nothing.....I think maybe I should just not contact him for a few days...I don't want to play games but I don't want to come across that I'm chasing him.

I hate all this texting as things get misinterpreted.

@tropicalwaterdiver

Brexit aside, how is his mental health?

His reply rings a bell for me.

I told a friend what happened, she is a psychiatric nurse, she also knows him a little but not seen him in several years, but this is the first thing she said to me, if he maybe has a personality disorder

@Sunflower1970

Red flags. If he is so sulky about your conversation I would take a big step back. You should be able to communicate open and honestly not treading on eggshells. I would leave him to stew and if he’s so immature you know he is not worth bothering with

I'm going to do this, I mean I've already tried going back to normal but he's not having it.

Why not give him a call instead, then, fgs?

You've known each other for bloody donkeys years. What's the point of wasting more time being at cross purposes? Talk directly, and if he's a twat, downgrade him to acquaintance or ex.

If he's going to be moody about this, then you need to be straight with him (preferably that you're not going to hang around to be punished by the chill out and he needs to buck his ideas up) . Establish boundaries.

You don't need a sulky prat in your life anyway. I'd give him one opportunity to not be that. I'm too old to waste a weekend wondering and waiting over some guys huffiness, aren't you?

@tellmetologoffIamaMNaddict

Urgh, that would do my head in. Is he this dogmatic about everything?

and she is easy going

It is easy to see why he liked your friendship.

If you still want friendship, up to you, assuming he still does.
But as for getting together, his dogmatism may be too far for you.

He's changing the subject and moving on. Seems like a sensible plan

Maybe he is waiting for you to alter your Brexit views to the same as his... And sulking until you do..

kittykath but he's not moving on. He's behaving outside of how he normally behaves, ie not responding to messages, which implies he's sulking. Moving on would be continuing to act as he normally would and talking about other stuff. But his behaviour suggests he is unhappy that she has voiced an opinion and he is wanting her to know that he's unhappy with that. Red flags.

Have you met in person since rekindling contact? If not, messaging can create a very false sense of intimacy. I was in a similar situation and met a friend after 15 years. There had been a lot of feeling between us when we first met. Anyway, 15 years later, I felt nothing at all despite the amazing messaging. People evolve.

@Livelovebehappy

kittykath but he's not moving on. He's behaving outside of how he normally behaves, ie not responding to messages, which implies he's sulking. Moving on would be continuing to act as he normally would and talking about other stuff. But his behaviour suggests he is unhappy that she has voiced an opinion and he is wanting her to know that he's unhappy with that. Red flags.

Thank you, this is exactly my problem with him, I'm trying to behave normally, he's not.

@Milomonster

Have you met in person since rekindling contact? If not, messaging can create a very false sense of intimacy. I was in a similar situation and met a friend after 15 years. There had been a lot of feeling between us when we first met. Anyway, 15 years later, I felt nothing at all despite the amazing messaging. People evolve.

Yep your right, I need to see him, we were waiting until lockdown restrictions loosen up. I hear what your saying about a false sense of intimacy, obviously I was looking forward to seeing him but I'm not so sure now.

After a nights sleep on the matter I think I maybe am just going to throw the towel in, I can't be doing with him acting like this at this stage.

It did come to my mind that maybe he's suddenly not sure about the 'romantic' side of our relationship and is worried our friendship will be ruined so is slowing it down - but I would have thought he would have let me know instead of nearly ghosting me!

Do you really want to be friends with someone who is so narrow minded they can't allow views differing from their own anyway? What about every other life issue? Just gonna cause problems down the line.

@SooziQue

Do you really want to be friends with someone who is so narrow minded they can't allow views differing from their own anyway? What about every other life issue? Just gonna cause problems down the line.

I understand it's going to be a problem with us if I don't feel comfortable voicing my views with him, it's just difficult throwing away so many years of friendship which I thought we were very close - maybe he's already made the decision for me as I've not heard from him since those two text messages last night around 7.30 and I'm not contacting him.

I just wish I knew what the problem was, it's either, brexit or that I told him to chill & find some happiness or maybe he's just not feeling us and slowing it down....maybe it's all three

Thinking about it I'm pretty sure it's brexit, he did say he pissed a lot of people off and fell out with everyone who voted brexit so I guess he's kind of fallen out with me - just for looking at it from the other side. I can't believe he's gone completely cold on me because of this.....but you are all right, I would not want to be friends with somebody who is so intolerant of other people's views...I'm just amazed he is prepared to throw our friendship away.