Do many of your friends have HIGH Self Worth?

[Oblomov21]

Just speculating. Lying in bed pondering...... Do you have many friends with high self worth?

I found this article:
selfworth

I have 2. My other 3 friends are struggling with anxiety. But this is understandable because it's covid related.

I was talking to my mum about this. Is HIGH Self Worth uncommon? Do people just not talk about it, because it doesn't require talking about?

On MN there seems to be huge anxiety. I don't know if that's reflective of RL, but I suppose people post threads about their anxiety because they need help and support. If you don't need help, you don't post, which explains why people don't post about high self worth. It might appear conceited or cocky.

Covid hasn't affected me as badly as some others. We are fortunate enough to have had an easier ride with home schooling because both teens have just got on with it. I have wonder at those who home schooled young ones, because I don't think I'd have had the patience.

I am respectful enough to have sympathy for 2 of my closest friends who are very anxious at the moment, because their situation is very difficult and one of them I don't even know how she's managing. I'd never noticed her anxiety much in the 10 years we've been friends, but covid had tested her, Christ I'm sure I would've buckled before now!

We all try and teach our children to have Confidence and self worth. But some just don't, they are just anxious, whether that is nature v nurture, who knows.

Is self worth uncommon? Do you have good self worth and thus find all / most of your friends do too? Because like attracts like?

Or do you have it and notice that not many others do, but it doesn't bother you or effect you, but you've noticed it?

Or can it ''trigger'' these types if I dare to come to the table hopefully accepted on the same footing as all the other relatives and in laws who have done fantastically well in life? It's almost like I wasn't assuming a lower status. I have struggled with confidence and a sense of myself throughout the years though. But I don't think I ever thought that having a big house and a nice car would solve my hesitancies.

@Number3BigCupOfTea I guess they might feel insecure about their core worth, question why they don't/struggle to carry themselves in the same way.

@tellmetologoffIamaMNaddict

I once told my friend I wished I was someone else and asked her if she had ever felt that and she said that no, she likes being her. She has had depression and other issues so it is not that her mental health is perfect. She just wouldn't want to be anyone else. I was amazed by that. I thought everyone would have felt like me.

Interesting question I think. I wish I picked things up quicker and that I had more confidence, and Ok, I wish I was thinner and prettier but I still want that consciousness inside to still be me. When you said you wanted to be somebody else, did you mean you wanted their consciousness inside your body or vice versa! Are these ridiculous questions!? I find it really interesting.

[quote CaesarsDream]@Number3BigCupOfTea I guess they might feel insecure about their core worth, question why they don't/struggle to carry themselves in the same way.[/quote]
Thank you for responding @CaesarsDream is that gem from a book or just something you read on line.

I am always adding psychology books to my list. I just finished one called connect today which was about communication really but there is a lot of psychology involved in communication.

I probably need to look in to self-esteem specifically. I've read all around it I realise.

What's the difference between self-worth and self-esteem?

@IrmaFayLear

Hmmm, there’s such a fine line between being self-confident and having good self-esteem, and being arrogant and superior. “high self worth” veers more towards the latter, imo.

It also sounds a bit fragile - as having a “value” attached - calling it “worth” - means that could go up or down.

Also I think it behoves all of us to self-examine, behaviour wise. That does not mean going over every little thing and fretting about it (which I do!) but being aware of others and how a “sorted” attitude could come across as unempathetic or condescending.

My understanding is that you can't have too healthy a self-esteem, but that if you erroneously believe that you hold yourself in high regard and yet, need others to validate that, then that is ego not esteem. If somebody's perception of themself is that they're the best writer in the world but then a bad review makes them see red then they're not operating off their ego. Which works for a lot of people up to a point. They do achieve things. They are successful. They are perceived to be successful. But they are hyper sensitive to criticism. And that makes them miserable.

@BunsenBulldog

What's the difference between self-worth and self-esteem?

I don't know if there is one? Happy to be informed though.

I think your sense of yourself can allow shortcomings, like, you can acknowledge that you're not super ambitious, you're not very original or creative but that you like to try anyway, and it's your self-esteem that gives you permission to acknowledge those shortcomings. Like I guess now I acknowledge that I'm mediocre at a lot of things but since my self-esteem has got healthier, I understand I still have the right to join in, try, contribute. I hope that makes sense and doesn't sound like i'm running myself down identifying with mediocrity!

I think truly good self-esteem is being comfortable with who you are, understanding your boundaries and not accepting poor treatment by others.
It's not "talking about yourself because that's your favourite subject" by the poster others have referenced. That doesn't demonstrate confidence to me, but insecurity.
I don't think I'm awesome. I have flaws with the insight to realise it. I also treat people with kindness as much as I can. But ultimately I don't accept it if people cross my boundaries. It's taken 40 years to reprogram myself away from "good girl niceness ".

@Number3BigCupOfTea It's something I've learned in my line of work, called the self-determination theory.

Bunsen

I didn't know either, and someone mentioned it downthread, so I had looked it up when they asked :

self esteem vs self worth :

Self-esteem is what we think and feel and believe about ourselves. Self-worth is recognizing “I am greater than all of those things”. It is a deep knowing that I am of value, that I am loveable, necessary to this life, and of incomprehensible worth. ... Self-esteem doesn't last or “work” without self-worth.

I have a sort of love/hate relationship with myself. I go through phases of what I can best describe as 'delusions of grandeur' although it's not 'grandeur' in a material/social sense, more an intellectual or moral sense.

Then I lurch into a phase of hating myself and cringing at my every action. I have a sort of 'hangover fear' from the deluded stage - like people reflecting on how they made a total idiot of themselves when they were drunk the previous night - only alcohol plays no part in what happens to me.

On occasions I achieve for a period what could be called a realistic assessment of my strengths and limitations, but it never lasts and I lurch back into one of the other phases

I wish I could stop this and achieve a balance all the time because it stops me getting things done. In the self-hating stages I don't do anything that I don't absolutely have to and withdraw into myself. In the deluded phase, it's all about ridiculous fantasies of things I will never actually do.

I think I have self worth. I never seek external validation of my decisions or external praise of my work, if I don't believe in myself that I've done a good job then I won't start to believe it no matter what you tell me. I lean on my husband when I need to, but it's generally physical exhaustion or that I've tried to fit in more than I've actually got time for, but I also believe I picked a good life partner who I can rely on, so again that's down to me! I trust my own gut decisions and almost never second guess myself or doubt myself. That doesn't mean I always have perfect mental health, but even when I'm feeling low, I like who I am and trust in myself.

[quote CaesarsDream]@Number3BigCupOfTea It's something I've learned in my line of work, called the self-determination theory.[/quote]
Oh thanks, I haven't heard of that. I'll have to google it.

Ah thank you for the explanation. I think it's similar to self actualization in the Maslow hierarchy of needs. Self esteem comes before this.

@LApprentiSorcier

You have described my life perfectly. Its throne me readimg that!
Thank. You.

Great thread 👍

@Grenola I'm glad I'm not the only one who lives like this. I just wish I could find a way not to.

I recognise my eldest DD in what you describe @LApprentiSorcier (great name). She’s having therapy at the moment, it’s early days obviously but I’m a great believer in it.

@LApprentiSorcier me too
... And it's not because I don't reflect and try to make new patterns/habits.
I have found some Balance in some ways but then I feel numb and strange.

Strange. I don't think of myself as a person who's especially free from self-doubt, over-analysing, spirals of self-loathing, but I think I tick the boxes for most of the 10 habits in that list. Though I don't think I put too much stock in the list!

Worthy of love - yes, though the wrinkle is when I put pressure on myself to earn respect
Things don't define me - yup, I feel this deeply. I can have fun with luxury things but materialism mostly eludes me
Allowed to feel whatever I'm feeling - yes, though I don't think people should be allowed to act on all of their feelings!
Delight in missing out - oh probably not to this, I'm prone to massive FOMO. But I like to think it's a healthy, motivating sort, it doesn't consume me
About how I respond to what happens - I know this intellectually and believe it, doesn't always mean I follow it
I do what I love etc - yes, no point in life if you don't
I see myself in others - I actively try to, yes
Believe in something greater - I'm a firm atheist but I believe strongly in solidarity, community, society, justice
Find things to be grateful for - yes, definitely
The story I tell about my life means everything - this is kind of meaningless waffle but I guess so?

Thank you @ThisTooShallBeFantastic. I hope your daughter's therapy is helpful. This 'condition' for want of a better word doesn't exactly get worse as you go through life, but it's harder to manage the older you are so if she can get help now, that's a really good thing. I sometimes think I might benefit from therapy but I get the impression it's very hard to source as an adult.

@LApprentiSorcier my DD is 29 and she is paying for therapy herself. She has a number of issues (she also works as a psychologist and regular counselling is very much recommended as a means of support) but that combination of high self-worth yet frequent disappointment with herself is a key problem I think. Perfectionism I guess. She needs to be kind to herself (not have unrealistic expectations, and self-forgive when they are not met) yet also absolutely expect herself to see achievable things through. I'm sure it can be done. Obviously as her mother I worry that I've done something to mess her up somewhere along the way...

The few friends I have, I think they have low self worth as do I. I have been working hard and trying to improve my sense of self worth over the past few months starting with all the awful negative self talk (abusive childhood etc.). This in itself as been a revelation. For years I was told I am hard on myself...now the penny has finally dropped (I'm middle aged). I'm just wondering if I feel more comfortable around people with low self worth...it sort of validates what I feel I suppose and doesn't make me prone to comparison. It would be nice to meet more people with good self worth...it might have a positive effect together with the work I've been doing. But does like attract like I wonder?

It's a mix really. Or they feel great at times and not so good at others.

I would say I have high self worth but I am fairly anxious about covid. I don't think self worth (Valueing yourself) is at all related to anxiety.