Do many of your friends have HIGH Self Worth?

[Oblomov21]

Just speculating. Lying in bed pondering...... Do you have many friends with high self worth?

I found this article:
selfworth

I have 2. My other 3 friends are struggling with anxiety. But this is understandable because it's covid related.

I was talking to my mum about this. Is HIGH Self Worth uncommon? Do people just not talk about it, because it doesn't require talking about?

On MN there seems to be huge anxiety. I don't know if that's reflective of RL, but I suppose people post threads about their anxiety because they need help and support. If you don't need help, you don't post, which explains why people don't post about high self worth. It might appear conceited or cocky.

Covid hasn't affected me as badly as some others. We are fortunate enough to have had an easier ride with home schooling because both teens have just got on with it. I have wonder at those who home schooled young ones, because I don't think I'd have had the patience.

I am respectful enough to have sympathy for 2 of my closest friends who are very anxious at the moment, because their situation is very difficult and one of them I don't even know how she's managing. I'd never noticed her anxiety much in the 10 years we've been friends, but covid had tested her, Christ I'm sure I would've buckled before now!

We all try and teach our children to have Confidence and self worth. But some just don't, they are just anxious, whether that is nature v nurture, who knows.

Is self worth uncommon? Do you have good self worth and thus find all / most of your friends do too? Because like attracts like?

Or do you have it and notice that not many others do, but it doesn't bother you or effect you, but you've noticed it?

I can say yes to all the things in that article but some of the 'habits' are a bit weird in my opinion. For instance I certainly don't lean on my loved ones if I'm in trouble (unless you count my dog, I would be lost without her). I strive for utter self-reliance.

I totally agree with 'fake it til you make it'. Life is challenging for EVERYONE in this world, though for some it's far far worse than others. But we're all doing the swan act, appearing serene while working hard beneath the waterline to keep it all together.

@thistooshallbefantastic. I whole heartedly agree with you.

From a not so great childhood and poor marriage. Over the last 5 years, since being separated, I have learnt self-worth. It's a wonderful thing to have and I only wish it had happened in my early 20's!

I think it's something you have to work on. I grew up with low confidence and low self esteem, but it was something l was very aware of and l spent a long time, learning to value myself. I think boundaries play an important part.
I am more confident at saying No now, and putting my own self first. But it took time. From my own experience l think anxiety can be caused by over thinking, and trying to live up to unrealistic expectations. I.used to be very hard on my self where as now l treat myself a lot kinder. I just want a peaceful life now so l surround myself with like minded people.
I think our young teens should be taught about self esteem and self worth at school, as it seems to be so.etching they are struggling with.

Something

Thank you Rose.
And like Moonface I do believe it's something that needs to be constantly worked on.

I had a stable upbringing but my mother has never been overly thrilled with who I am.

I have very low self worth, I find it hard to prioritise myself in any way - particularly since having children. I would love to be someone else, I don’t like anything about myself at all. Largely I feel like a failure most of the time and doubt myself over every decision I make. I find that the more tiresome part of it, I can never make a decision without polling everyone else I know and valuing their opinions over my own.

Belief in a higher being? Fuck that for a game of soldiers, but everything else in that article I relate to. And I imagine also for all of my mates except two. One of whom is going through hellish break up and we’re trying to boost her up, and the other one is just flaky and darling and will never realise how lovely she is. But the rest of us tick the boxes. Perhaps it’s one of the reasons we all gravitate to each other? We’ve all had varied upbringings so I don’t think it’s that.
What’s sad though is seeing people post that this self-esteem, self-worth stuff isn’t really them at all. And I see that in some of the people I know slightly but who aren’t great mates (school-gate parents, wives of friends). Where are we going wrong with our daughters that they don’t grow up with the same solidity of our sons?

If by high self worth you mean insufferably cocky and egotistical, yes I do know a few. Most - but not all - are male.

Following.

I would say I have high self-worth. But I can’t see how self-worth and anxiety are mutually exclusive as you seem to imply in your original post. Just because I have good self-esteem doesn’t mean I can’t have anxiety about a situation that affects me and that I cannot do anything about.

I have however noticed that lockdown does seem to have had more of an impact on some of my friends who struggle with self-esteem than on those who seem more confident in themselves.

@IrmaFayLear

Hmmm, there’s such a fine line between being self-confident and having good self-esteem, and being arrogant and superior. “high self worth” veers more towards the latter, imo.

It also sounds a bit fragile - as having a “value” attached - calling it “worth” - means that could go up or down.

Also I think it behoves all of us to self-examine, behaviour wise. That does not mean going over every little thing and fretting about it (which I do!) but being aware of others and how a “sorted” attitude could come across as unempathetic or condescending.

So, don’t like yourself in case it comes across as arrogance? You seem to be making a faintly disturbing equation between fragile self-esteem and empathy.

There was a similar thread about ones "inner critic" recently.

I think I find people who think they have a very high self worth would equate to arrogance/lack of empathy and I find that offputting. However I suspect they run businesses/become mps/get stuff done.

I think it is good to value yourself and your own judgements but this can become arrogance/narcissitic type behaviour when you think you can do no wrong or don't consider others in relation to yourseld.

At the other end of the spectrum is an over importance of others feelings or wants.

I think its yet another thing where havinga difficult childhood can hinder you later in life. Look at the ACEs research and how difficult childhoods can hinder self esteem as an adult.

Conversely I know a local family with 2 children who are pretty much taught they can do now wrong and whose parents (who are very lovely) whole lives focus around their children. The kids think they are the most important in any social setting and dont consider others. They really aren't nice to be around. They will probably do well but I'm glad my child doesn't play with them.

Thank you for the link Bugs. I am reading said thread. There is a major difference though, and that is that the thread you referring starts from the other end of the spectrum, absolute negativity, and the bullying inner voice telling a person they are shit and won't be able to do abc.

The polar opposite of what I was reffing you. So that thread naturally attracts people who do have that. Guess it won't come as any shock to you that I don't have an inner voice telling me I'm shit. Because if I did I'd tell it to Fxxk off, and it wouldn't bother me. Because I think I'm ok, I'm good enough, 'I'd be friends with me'.

Mumsnet in its nature attracts a lot of people with severe anxiety and lacking in self worth.

You, like another poster refered to High self worth as people being cocky and arrogant. And whilst I admit it is a fine line that some people may easily cross over into that that was never what I was referring to. I was just talking about people who have inner confidence and don't have anxiety and how there seems to be a lack of these people generally around.

I was not, and never was referring to the children you describe, who quite frankly sound awful.

I mentioned the thread as it was the opposite

I would say having self worth = good. Lack of self worth is damaging. High/inflated self worth = arrogance and self centredness.

But I guess everyone would probably draw those lines differently.

I think having inner confidence is the goal though!

Those children are examples of children with high self worth who will grow up to se themselves as adults of high self worth hough. And exactly what I would associated with entitled/arrogant/self importance that comes from high/inflated self worth above others.

Maybe we are talking at cross purposes.

I do think having self worth is very important.

(A bit like the passiveness /assertiveness/aggressive distinction. I'd see self worth on a similar scale with inflated or lack of self worth not being ideal)

I would say entitled/arrogant /self important as well as narcissistic traits/type behaviours all come from damaged self worth that has only been superficially corrected. I think genuine high self worth increases ones view of both themselves, their place in the world and others around them. Like you say. It is subjective and everyone will have an individualistic viewpoint.

Based on your posts, with hindsight, Maybe I should have worded the Thread title as Good self esteem, rather than High self worth.
Because it's falling into high being/meaning too much, which wasn't what I meant.

I saw a lot of people at Oxford with a very high self worth from some of the public schools - literally gone through life being told they were the creme de la creme. I guess some people would think that desirable but I really don't.

Maybe its that line betwen "good self worth" and thinking yourself superior that we all probably draw slightly differently.

Its something I've thought about a lot as through work some of those I work with have difficulties with self worth (and the book I recommend currently is on self compassion) , and obviously want to bring my kids up with good self worth and self belief but am keen not to turn them into those who have such high self belief they are unaware of others.

Imo high self worth is nothing to do with believing yourself to be better than others. It's nothing to do with comparisons at all. Someone with high self worth doesn't NEED to compare themselves to others, and certainly doesn't need to be demonstrably better in order to increase their self worth in the first place. It's not something that crosses their mind. And in believing they are worthy , they believe others are worthy too.

I think it's a dangerous path to travel " I want my children to have this amount of self worth, but no more in case they become arrogant". Arrogance is a trait that comes from an inflated view of oneself and, often, a deflated view of others, due to a number of factors including insecurity. It's totally different.

The difference between having high self-esteem and being arrogant/egotistical runs on a paradigm of intrinsic and extrinsic motivators, I believe.

The more intrinsic, the higher the sense of self. The greater value you give to the extrinsic, the more inflated the ego is.

I have now but it was hard won. I had a difficult mum growing up (addiction) but my dad made up for it in showering me with compliments and making me believe I could do anything. I had a rough few years but help from womens aid and my dad's advice ringing in my ears and suddenly blossomed at 33.

I have absolutely no problem now with how I look, on my opinions etc, being respected in work.
If people over step boundaries with me now I don't give a fuck about being nice or kind. I know I deserve to be treated with respect and I make sure my dd knows she deserves this too.

Like PP I don’t see that self-esteem has anything to do with anxiety

I think all my friends have at least slightly higher self-worth than I do. I've worked on self-esteem and I realised that my mother eroded all of my boundaries, and invalidated me constantly, so I knew a lot of things in theory but applying them effortlessly without over thinking was hard. I have a really good sense of myself and a healthy self esteem now as a single person but trying to make a new relationship work (if I care about it) shows that the things I know in theory aren't running through me as deeply as they run through my friends. My friends all married decent men and its worked out for them. Luckily I don't care about relationships any more so i'm not sure if that is relevant. My friends all have better careers as well.

@CaesarsDream

The difference between having high self-esteem and being arrogant/egotistical runs on a paradigm of intrinsic and extrinsic motivators, I believe.

The more intrinsic, the higher the sense of self. The greater value you give to the extrinsic, the more inflated the ego is.

This is interesting @caesarsdream, one woman who scapegoated me from a group (with the silent treatment, while love bombing everybody else) she had everything you could imagine a person wanted extrinsicly. And I was kind of the opposite. Single parent, smaller house than her, shabbier, in a not as nice area, my children aren't at private school, hers are.... but these are just details, I was trying to figure out why she was hell bent on ejecting me from the group. All I had was a growth mindset. That's it. That's literally the only thing I have that she doesn't have. So can a person who values extrinsic things be emotionally disregulated by women who quietly reject that ''race''?
I'm just trying to make sense of what happened to me there because I've actually had almost the same experience twice. (One woman in a group being lovely to everybody else and setting out to exclude me. And both times I've wondered, why am I threatening this woman?)