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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice please. What would you do?

42 replies

Popsicle101 · 12/03/2021 00:11

Hi to you all and thank you to anyone who can shed some advice. OH has been a weed smoker for years, over the past 2 years its being more heavy using. He could smoke it day in day out given the opportunity. Now because covid has been around a while money has been enough to cover for most basics we need, he's going days without and his behavior is getting somewhat difficult. He can get awfully moody at times, snappy, gives me filthy looks and quite passive aggressive. He will pace up and down, nail bitting. Sometimes I get a feeling of being unloved but I don't know if that's just me being over sensitive. Anyway I've suggested to him to do it occasionally again as a treat or one off every couple weeks, even suggested doctors to get help off it. I don't think he wants to acknowledge its an addiction now, doesnt respond when I suggest doctors. He says he will just reduce but I know when he's had it and it still seems to be almost daily. What can I do to help? I feel I'm letting him down in a way by accepting and letting him do it. Anyone to share experiences? Or suggestions?

OP posts:
Giraffey1 · 12/03/2021 00:21

Personally, I’d not be with him. He is being selfish and disrespectful, and the constant weed won’t be good for his health. I’d have told him to stop smoking it completely or you are off.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 12/03/2021 00:29

You can’t help. Like any addiction he needs to realise the damage it’s doing to his relationship and life generally, as well as to his health, and decide to stop for himself.

I couldn’t be with an addict of any sort I’m afraid. You’ll always come second to the substance.

He sounds unpleasant to be around, so tbh I’d be separating until he can sort himself out.

meanwhilebacktobasics · 12/03/2021 07:07

You can only help by letting him see the consequences of his behaviour. Hes an addict and while you enable him,he will carry on. You're the one suffering, not him. You've tried, he doesn't want to know..its not your issue to cure or resolve.
Best thing to do is arrange to leave him. Do you have kids? Or want them? He's a lousy partner for you and would be an awful role model for them. Cut him loose.

Shoxfordian · 12/03/2021 07:10

Leave him. He’s not going to change, and he sounds like a loser anyway.

Tangogolf55 · 12/03/2021 07:12

Leave him. He’s a loser.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/03/2021 07:13

I would leave him ASAP, you need to show him there are indeed consequences for his behaviour. He is not going to change for you or anyone else and he also does not think he has an addiction problem. You can only help you own self and enabling him as you have has not worked and will not work. It only gives you a false sense of control and does not help him.

Original poster
Popsicle101 · 12/03/2021 08:07

It didn't start off as enabling, he was very much in control to use it as a treat. Which then I saw no harm to. He was also very aware we couldn't afford it daily and accepted that. That's when the stealing would happen, sent him to pay pills with cash then I'd get a missed payment letter. He would withdraw money and be absolutely convinced it was his. It wasn't I had proof of course. It lead to loans to get over his boredom days. Which are almost paid off now but I think I actually agreed because he's a miserable person to be around when he doesn't have it. Now he doesn't even need to ask me to borrow as his building debt for it. With the person he gets it off not an actually company. I feel so lost I love him but I also hate him

OP posts:
Candyfloss99 · 12/03/2021 08:10

I'm afraid the only thing you can do to help him is to leave and stop enabling him.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/03/2021 08:13

He is not going to change.

You have a choice to make with this man and by being there with him now you are enabling him.

I am wondering if you are codependent and are confusing love here with codependency.

Shoxfordian · 12/03/2021 08:21

He’s been stealing from you
Dump that loser today

Kelly345 · 12/03/2021 08:35

This isn't going to get any better. You need to see it for what it is and make a decision. Is this the life you want?

seensome · 12/03/2021 08:36

He's stealing from you, that is beyond the last straw really? The weed smoking doesn't make him a desirable partner anyway, leaving him to deal with his own problems is the e only way, concentrate on living your best life without him.

MrsMoastyToasty · 12/03/2021 08:42

Of course you are feeling unloved. Weed is his first love.

RandomMess · 12/03/2021 08:54

Honestly there doesn't seem to be anything positive he adds to your life!!!

dayafterday · 12/03/2021 08:57

It’s not the way I would want to live.

DianaT1969 · 12/03/2021 08:58

Wow. Are there reasons you are with him?
Does he work?

dayafterday · 12/03/2021 08:59

Do you have children?

Original poster
Popsicle101 · 12/03/2021 09:05

He never admitted he stole a penny. He said it must of been errors on their side. He got angry when I'd accuse him even tho I knew he had spent it on what he wanted. All those times he has said I've blew it out of proportion. When I wanted to leave after numerous times he said he would stop. He would cry and would feel awful. So he doesn't steal or ask me to take out loans. It's the problem of him getting into debt with the person and it seems om an unlimited scale. I don't pay off this debt. I wish there was more than just ending it, I feel riddled with guilt

OP posts:
Original poster
Popsicle101 · 12/03/2021 09:06

We don't have children and he lost his most recent job because of covid

OP posts:
RandomMess · 12/03/2021 09:11

He chooses weed over you, why are you feeling bad for his choices?

Start working on your self esteem, you are still subsidising him as I'm sure you pay for his food etc.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/03/2021 09:19

Popsicle

Why do you feel so guilty re him?. Do you think he feels guilty for what he has and continues to put you through?. No he does not and you are not responsible for any debts he incurs either.

Thankfully at least there are no children involved.

With abusive types, its always someone else's fault and never their own. He has indeed blamed others here (in this case "errors on their side" and you). When he decided that this was no longer working for him he switched to using tears instead, an effective measure for many manipulative men to use against their target.

What are you getting out of this relationship?.

Do you have supportive family and friends you can go to; this relationship is truly over anyway as his primary relationship is with cannabis. Do not make this man the hill you further die on.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/03/2021 09:22

BTW how old were you and he when you both got together?.

You have a choice re him and you do not have to live like this at all. The first step to take getting out is often the hardest one and you have to do that on your own. After that hard initial step out it will in all likelihood get easier for you. You need to both rebuild and reclaim your life; he has already robbed you of some years already.

Mabelface · 12/03/2021 09:23

If he's building a debt with a dealer, it won't end well and it puts you at risk. Time for him to go.

Original poster
Popsicle101 · 12/03/2021 09:24

I don't want to see him dig a bigger hole for himself. I've said I won't part with money to clear his debt to get him to realise it isn't getting better. But he doesn't have the funds to start paying of the debt where as I do. But not on a regular basis. I know if I pay it, it'll rack up again. Why won't he see or acknowledge even when I ask he doesn't

OP posts:
Fireflygal · 12/03/2021 09:28

He won't get a job if he is dependent on weed.

I think you love the person who only functions with weed, however he has to get into debt and be constantly up & down as a result of weed.

Is this really how you want your life to be?

His crying is just sadness for himself,if he loved you he would take action. He doesn't care enough to try to get off drugs. If he owes money to drug dealers then he will drag you into a horrendous situation.

What's the housing situation?