Advice please. What would you do?

[Popsicle101]

Hi to you all and thank you to anyone who can shed some advice. OH has been a weed smoker for years, over the past 2 years its being more heavy using. He could smoke it day in day out given the opportunity. Now because covid has been around a while money has been enough to cover for most basics we need, he's going days without and his behavior is getting somewhat difficult. He can get awfully moody at times, snappy, gives me filthy looks and quite passive aggressive. He will pace up and down, nail bitting. Sometimes I get a feeling of being unloved but I don't know if that's just me being over sensitive. Anyway I've suggested to him to do it occasionally again as a treat or one off every couple weeks, even suggested doctors to get help off it. I don't think he wants to acknowledge its an addiction now, doesnt respond when I suggest doctors. He says he will just reduce but I know when he's had it and it still seems to be almost daily. What can I do to help? I feel I'm letting him down in a way by accepting and letting him do it. Anyone to share experiences? Or suggestions?

He is a fully functional adult with an addiction, you pity him that is no basis for a relationship.

Would you stay with an alcoholic?

Maybe that's right. I only love the man that is stoned. When he had not is very irritable. I try to stay out of his way so I don't annoy him. He's short and easily triggered. I understand its withdrawal that's why for most of it I try to get by and support him rather than giving up on him

We live together. I pay the rent and bills etc till he finds a new job

You can't save him. None of us can save others with addictions. They have to want to save themselves, which he has shown you he doesn't want to do. Regardless of what he says, he has SHOWN you he loves getting high more than he loves you.

You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. Paying his debts would be enabling him, not helping him, and enabling an addict to continue in his addiction is morally wrong.

You need to make a life decision now that is the best for YOU. You know what that decision is, but you're letting a misplaced sense of guilt stop you.

How old are you? Do you hope to have the choice of Children in the future?

Why are you wasting precious years with him?? You could still support him as a friend of you split?

You deserve an equal relationship, he does zero supporting of you!

That's why I'm not giving him the money to pay off the debt I know it won't help him long term. I don't want to be the enabler.
I'm 25. I can't say having children has crossed my mind

"He chooses weed over you, why are you feeling bad for his choices?"

THIS !!

You feel too responsible for him, he's an adult - he should take responsibility for his own "hobbies" and pay for them.
I've been there (a long time ago), it won't get any better and you can't go on like this eternally.

25!!!!!

There is a whole life out there waiting for you, some to have adventures with not sulking and skulking around waiting for his next weed fix.

You asked WWYD - I would end it and enjoy living in a happy home, no treading on eggshells around moods, no worrying whether his debts are going to catch up on him.

You are enabling you provide him with food and shelter meaning that every £ he does have goes on weed. Even if he ever gets a job again all his wages will go on debt and more weed whilst you feed, clothe and provide a nice home for him.

OP I really feel for you.
I spent 10 years with a man whilst watching his drinking escalate to full blown alcoholism. He went from the odd binge to not being able to hold down a job. I tried everything to help him, and became a controlling wreck in the process. I took him to work and picked him up, I controlled his money, I engaged with medical professionals on his behalf. Nothing worked long term, and at the end of it I no longer recognised the person I became, and I definitely didn't recognise the man I feel in love with. The constant lies and broken promises take their toll, along side the stealing and the vile behaviour and the verbal attacks and self pitying behaviour.
It took me a very long time to realise that I couldn't change him, however much I loved him.
So please, believe me when I say, YOU NEED TO WALK AWAY.

It may spur him to sort his life out, it may not, but whilst you are with him you are supporting and enabling his behaviour even if think you are trying to help.
You are young with plenty of life ahead of you, don't tie yourself to this life.

Echoing what other posters have said.
He's not going to change.
He sounds like a terrible partner and not someone you should spend your precious time on earth with.

It's up to you.

Am I correct in reading that he has debt with his supplier ? That is what he is 'building "? How are you going to feel when the debt needs to be paid and they come looking ? Why are you even with this person ? Utter madness . You've even said you only like him when he is stoned 🙄🙄

Do you need our permission to tell you that you are NOT a bad person to end it?

Because you aren't, you staying will not make a difference to the choices he makes.

When I was 25 I had just moved to London, living in an all girl Houseshare and was having a brilliant time, I could do what I wanted and all my money was mine, no way would I be tied down to a man. You have no DC, no need at all to live with him, if you really like him could you live separately and see him once a week.

@BehindMyEyes

Am I correct in reading that he has debt with his supplier ? That is what he is 'building "? How are you going to feel when the debt needs to be paid and they come looking ? Why are you even with this person ? Utter madness . You've even said you only like him when he is stoned 🙄🙄

I agree with this, I'm afraid! If, when the dealer can't collect their cash from your partner, who will be the person they'll come to? Protect yourself by distancing yourself from this very poor relationship OP. 🌹

OP I agree that you are at risk from the bad people he buys his drugs from when they realise he can't pay. You should get him out of your life - he is not a safe person to know.

When that debt he is building wiht his dealer gets too big, you will have debt collectors at your door - and they will not be bailiffs following rules, they will be really nasty types who will trash your house in search of valuables to take.

Active addiction needs to be an absolute dealbreaker for ANY relationship. Staying with him isn't helping him. It is enabling him. You say you love him - do what's best for him and you - get rid of him.

And be clear - he doesn't love you. He loves what you supply - shelter, food, an easy life etc. Someone who loves you cares how you feel. He doesn't.

His life works like this. He doesn't want love, he wants a caretaker, and he has one in you.

Why do you not value yourself more than this? This isn't love on your side either - it's codependency. Love can let go when the relationship isn't working. Love can love from a distance when that is what is needed to preserve one's own safety, sanity and self-esteem. Codependency can't.

You've already stayed way too long.

If you really, really loved him you would let him hit rock bottom on his own, so that he has a chance to want to make his own journey to recovery.

Instead you are in love with your feelings for him, your support and pity and sympathy. You are in love with what he might be If Only... You are in love with staying in a relationship with him and making it feel meaningful.

All these things you love more than him and so you are enabling him instead of doing what is best for him and what would actually help him, and incidentally help you too.

You need to dig deep and walk away.