Couples counselling - has anyone had it?

[Iloveshreddies]

Just that really. Has anyone had couples counselling and what was it like? Did it help you to stay together or split?

We did it after having a difficult time following IVF and miscarriage and a few other things. It was awful. It made things worse for us. We stayed together in spite of it. he nearly left after counseling but we worked it out together. I still feel a pain in my chest if I pass the building where we went. We used Relate.

However, we never struggled to talk to each other. I think counseling works if communication is an issue for you.

I used relate and it was shit. Wouldn't recommend it but maybe because we were in the final stages of marriage we thought we should ' tick that box'. It was expensive and we were broke.

I used Relate when my exH was having an affair.
I hated it at the time, but actually feel like it was a huge benefit in the years afterwards.
I really believe it has helped me to not carry baggage into my next relationship, and I feel like I've been much more aware of communication and things like that.

Side note: exH was lying throughout sessions as affair never ended. I don't think anyone could help us, I just didn't know at the time.

We used relate, they recognised I was in an abusive relationship on visit three. They were brilliant at helping to protect me and set up a meeting with my STBXH on his own to confront him. They guided me on how to leave and offered lots of advice to move on.

Relate were awful. Started by asking me to accept 50% of the blame for him having an affair.

I think it depends on your individual relationship, the counsellor you see, how willing both people are to fixing the relationship and the underlying issues.

The psychologist were seeing is great and she has been really helpful in providing different perspectives that neither of us saw or considered.

Relate were useless and completely failed to spot any of our very obvious communication problems and differing standards.

@Rummikub

Relate were awful. Started by asking me to accept 50% of the blame for him having an affair.

WTF! I’m so sorry to hear that happened to you @Rummikub.

Yes, thought it was very helpful as DH wouldn't talk. It's not a magic wand though. It can help you realise the relationship is over.

Another negative for relate. We had one session which was crazy expensive. The woman started questioning me as to why my parents "allowed" my sibling abuse me growing up. Putting the blame on me for allowing my parents to allow the abuse that I received as a child. Awful therapist!

Yes Relate were awful for me too. Ex dh charmed the pants off the counsellor in his usual way and she believed everything he said. I walked out at week 3.

Awful for me. They asked ‘Do you want to make this work?’ He said no. She said ‘well, no point’ And that was that.

We used relate, and I'd also say they were rubbish. Relationship was almost certainly over anyway in my mind, partner had already moved out. From my perspective, the main reason for the counselling was to get my partner to accept it was over and understand why I'd had enough and wasn't prepared to try again (before the counselling, my ex wouldn't listen or accept it, so I wanted to explain it in the prescence of a 3rrd party/counsellor).

My ex can spin a very convincing yarn/sob story, and the counsellor bought it all. So everything was focussed around what I'd done wrong, and what I needed to do to put things right, and how my (now ex) partner could forgive me. In reality I'd made one recent mistake, and my ex absolutely milked it. She'd treated me like dirt (serial cheating, false accusations of DV) for years, but the counsellor kept steering the debate away from what she's done wrong and back to me.

I always just assumed we got a poor counsellor, but based on what everyone else has said, it seems pretty common that relate aren't that good.

If you are at the point in your relationship where you feel that a counselling will resolve your issues- it's already too late. Don't waste your time and money. Split up and move on with your life.

ExH and I had about a year of couples counseling. It was awful. He would make promises about changes bit never actually make them. I would be encouraged to think about compromises, so I promised changes and made them. This meant that 'compromise' left me doing everything and ExH doing nothing. It was just another way for him to manipulate and abuse me.

I've had a further 7 years of on-off individual counseling to unpick it all and deal with him now that I'm very happily divorced.

@Feelingconfusedtonight
Thank you
It was a long time ago and I see the ridiculousness of it now.
I do wonder why relate are so rubbish though!
I do understand as a po says by the time you need couples counselling then your relationship is already at high risk.
Both of you have to buy into it too to have any chance.

Positive experience here, not Relate though and relationship not over (no cheating, neither contemplating divorce, just lost our way / connection). It's been really helpful in helping us communicate better, recognise the need to find time for one another, helping us to understand why we behave the way we do and how that impacts the other. It's not a magic wand but its helping us.

Wow, this is all so interesting, thanks everyone. I'm hearing that Relate is one to avoid! Looking back, I had Relate counselling on my own some years ago and the counsellor was rubbish - he kept bringing his own stuff to the table, and not in a good way.

I will certainly manage my expectations after reading your experiences. No affairs here either, just lost our way and I don't want to spend the next 40 years like this.

Find a qualified private couples therapist, won't cost more than relate. You'll have more flexibility too.

Yes, have tried it and found it helpful. I would often have a massive headache afterwards though and can be emotionally draining. It’s not a golden bullet, but I found we were able to gain a better understanding of what was going on in our relationship.

I thought it was rubbish, pay someone to ask a load of nosy questions ask what you want to do about it, write things in a diary and spend time together. It doesn't fix a bad relationship. I will never ever go to one again.

I had a few sessions with Relate. At the time I dont think they helped. We split up not long after. To be fair the sessions where good, but weekly they soon left us skint, which didnt help our situation.

I can see looking back now, it was for me just a box ticking exercise. Saying that I realise that i missed an opportunity. I can see now 3 years later that you both need to really be invested and open about whats happening and want to change the situation you have found yourself in. If one of you isnt going to work to put the situation right no amount of sessions will help.

@whatisthislifesofullofcare

Awful for me. They asked ‘Do you want to make this work?’ He said no. She said ‘well, no point’ And that was that.

Well, she was right. Joint therapy cannot achieve anything if both parties are not going to work at it.

The fact that your partner was not interested in working at the relationship is hardly the fault of therapy!

We used a private counsellor about 15 years ago. I can't remember much about the detail - it was really a mutual demonstration of commitment to try and sort things out. Which worked - we are still together and our relationship is probably stronger than it has ever been.

Me and ex had one session with Relate - we couldn't afford more and though they said they offered a sliding scale for affordability, when they did offer a reduced rate it was at a different centre about 30 miles away, so would have cost us pretty much as much in petrol! .

Glad we didn't stretch to afford more in the end, because although I was very hopeful at the end of the session we did do, in retrospect it was all about me changing and doing the work, and he was the one who had cheated, amongst other things. I was already doing my best!