How can this be

[TuckFriar]

I have changed my username.

I am in an abusive marriage.

Not all the time, most definitely not. When it's good it's lovely and all is okay.

But when it's bad, it's absolutely awful. So nasty and so cruel.

What the fuck do I do.
I have mental health issues and I do not have the strength to leave . And as I say, when he's lovely, he is absolutely wonderful.
But my goodness, he can be fucking cruel when he's nasty.

I just don't know what to do

It is abusive. The good times are a way of manipulating you. Would your mh improve without the abuse perhaps? Do you have any support for that, someone you could confide in? Are you and/or dc at risk?

Could you speak to Women's Aid as a first step?

Your mental health problems will be exacerbated while you're living with abuse. You might find you're better able to cope out of the relationship.

The nice/nasty cycle is how abusive relationships work. It's never bad for anyone all the time, it's the classic pattern.

Op sadly you probably have mental health problems BECAUSE of the abuse...
I have healthy MH but wouldn't if l was scared of the person l lived with.
So sorry but you have to leave.

You ate in an abusive marriage all of the time. Jist because there is not abuse every day, does not ever make it not abusive. It's called 'the cycle of abuse' for good reason. If they were nasty all the time it would not fuck with your head enough. The nice/nasty is purposely to have you question yourself and drive you crazy.

As pp said, your mental health will be so poor largely because of living with an abuser.

Speak with womens aid and see about doing the freedom program. Ask relevant ppl like citizens advice and the job centre ect what you will entitled to when you leave ect.. start taking practical steps.

Thank you so much for your replies.

It's emotional abuse I feel. And not all the time. Definitely, definitely not.

But he makes me cry and he makes me feel so sad.

It's been like this for years.

He adores . Absolutely adores the children and would never or has ever been anything but a super father to them.

It's me. I'm the problem and my mental health. Well, that's it . The root of it all according to him. My hideous anxiety; my depression and my absolute loneliness.

That's a problem and he said tonight he will leave me and end up on tablets himself as I am destroying him.

Fucks sake. This is so shit.

Op he is not a good father - BECAUSE he abuses the childrens mother.

That is never a good influence to have around kids. Firstly because of what they might pick up on and think is normal for relationships (Do you want your daughters to grow up thinking it's ok for men to mindfuck them and treat them like shit?). And secondly, because be makes their mother miserable. How can you be the best mum to them when all your energy is spent tiptoing on egg shells around him?

Abusive men are NOT good fathers. Bullies are never good people to have around children.

He's gaslighting you into believing it is all your fault. Playing the good daddy to make you feel worse. You do not have to put up with this nor will you lose your children.

😓

You're on the abuse cycle. The bits when he's nice aren't bits where he's not being abusive. They're a tool he uses to manipulate you into staying. He is nice to you so that he continues to have a victim. He is nice to you because he enjoys abusing you and so he wants you to stay around. Most abusers do this. If they didn't, their victims would leave them more often.

It's working on you, isn't it. You stay because of how very nice he is to you sometimes. But it's as abusive as when he's horrible, because it serves to confuse you, make you feel crazy, make you feel as if you don't know if you're coming or going.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cycle_of_abuse

Get your children away from him. They will learn to be either abusers or victims, depending on whose example they follow, if you stay. If you leave, and they follow your example, they will learn to leave unhealthy situations, recognise unhealthy relationships, and respect themselves.

It runs very deep

I've barely slept a wink all night

I keep having very dark thoughts

I’m sorry you’re feeling so bad today. Can you reach out for help? A friend of family member? Please think about calling Women’s Aid to talk to them about the relationship and any support you can get. If you’re feeling suicidal today can you call your doctor or the Samaritans? We’re all here for you, keep posting.

Friend *or family member

Thank you for your kind words.

I feel guilt as well.

Guilt at feeling this way about him. Guilty for posting and I'm not sure I can approach someone in RL to talk about it.
They would be disloyal and mean.

Even the thought of it makes me burst into tears.

Then when this episode ' blows over' and he's nice to me, I've apologised and everything is lovely again, I will
question my own self as to what happened.

It's got to the point ( and has done for the past few years) where I have to write down all the things that happen as I have forgotten all the bad stuff that has happened. It's like my mind has got rid of it.
And so I write it down now. So I know it was real and that I wasn't going mad.
My feelings are real and it's real how he makes me feel. I cannot pretend any other way of it's written down and i look back at it.

Gosh I feel shit this morning. My heart is absolutely pounding and my
eyes are stinging.

Your feelings absolutely are real and they matter. You matter. Part of the abuse is to convince you that they and you don’t matter. Another part is to be nice to you sometimes - if abusers were always horrible nobody would put up with them. Another part is to make you believe you mustn’t tell anyone about the abuse, or that it’s shameful or your fault. The shame is all his for how he’s treating you. Can you imagine being so cruel to anyone? That’s his fault and his shame. You deserve a whole lot better, and you deserve as a first step to talk to someone about it.

I’m so sorry this man is treating you this badly. Know it’s not your fault, it’s him, and there are people out there who can help and people who can see you for who you are - a human being worthy of respect and treating well.

This will be a never ending cycle.

I don't know how old you are but can you see this happening till you are in your 50's, 60's, 70's because it will, and as you grow older it will become worse.

The horrible cruel cycle periods will last longer and the nice periods will become shorter.
You will age and abusers don't like that, they expect the best so their cruelty increases, their demands increase, you can't do anything right for them, at the same time your mental health will decline the longer it goes on, your strength will decrease.
There really is no happy ending, he will destroy you, or discard you.
You know this isn't how it should be, he is a cruel man, an unkind man, I hope you find the strength to get away from him.

Op my heart goes out to you. I've had a thread on here about my attempts to escape from an abusive toxic relationship. Only now I'm out can I see how bad it was, as I existed in a kind of numb brain fog. I can promise you, if you can rip that trauma bond away, yes you will go through hell for a few weeks, I couldn't sleep,eat,had panic attacks...you will come out the other side and see it clearly for the first time. He has beaten you down and brainwashed you,that's why your MH issues are there.

Please listen to all the posters on here. The two things that gave me the resolve to leave was the incredible support on here ( MNetters know their stuff, they've been there) and womens aid. You have a life waiting for you, please dont spend more of it with him.

Oh my goodness.

I am sobbing .

I need to pull myself together. I have two little children who need me to get therm ready and take them to school.

It isn't always like this. He will see it as an argument that is all my fault.

I feel so awful. And so upset.

Thank you so much for your kindness

It’s okay, OP. One step at a time. Get your children to school and come back to this thread when you’re ready. People will be waiting and will help you then.

@TuckFriar

Oh my goodness.

I am sobbing .

I need to pull myself together. I have two little children who need me to get therm ready and take them to school.

It isn't always like this. He will see it as an argument that is all my fault.

I feel so awful. And so upset.

Thank you so much for your kindness

Please please speak to your gp, preferably a female. Your mental health is not being controlled, if you are on medication then perhaps it needs to be changed.

He says that my mental health is the problem.
It's the cause of all of it apparently.

I am upset. Really upset and that doesn't feel like my mental health right now.

What's your mental health diagnosis? Did you experience symptoms before the relationship?

Your feelings are valid. One avenue for you might be to speak to the gp, under pretence of discussing your mh, and talk about what's happening in the relationship. They can signpost you to domestic abuse services in your area.

I left my abusive partner a couple of months ago. I'd spent months depressed and would sit staring into space every day, not engaging properly with my baby, letting the house get dustier and just not on top of anything.

When I left him, I had two days where I cried so much I felt my heart was going to burst and then...it stopped. It was like I was reborn. I've got so much energy I don't know what to do with it. I'm excited for the future and things are looking so good it almost feels like a dream.

Maybe your MH struggles are in part a reaction to living in an intolerable situation.

Morning Tuckfrair - I’m sorry you are going through this.
It is abusive sadly.
My ex was the most charming man but he was abusive.
It was only ever directed to me.
If you can see he won’t be like this with anyone else.
He will want to be MR Nice Guy.
He has an image to protect.
He blames your mental health - the reason he does this is due to HIM not wanting to take ANY responsibility in his part in this.
This is what abusive men do.
He’s grinding you down.
I needed anti depressant but they not only helped my mood they gave me more energy to start processing the situation in a healthy way.
It was all his fault.
There is the Freedom Course you can do on line.
You can download a free book - Lundy Bancroft - Why Does He Do That - inside the mind of controlling men.
I kept reading mumsnet as it eventually started sinking in that it wasn’t my fault.
I contacted women’s aid. Mine was hitting me - I told my counsellor - I told my GP - I had to report him to the police as he wouldn’t leave.
They will do anything to cling on.
No one has the right to treat you the way he does.
Abuser really don’t want you to know what they are thinking.
They project it back to you.
You don’t need to do anything today - your starting to process this.
Your mental health is suffering because of him.
You are not the problem here.
💐💐

The dark thoughts are just temporary. I tell myself this as I don't want to do something stupid and then social services get involved.

It's just a shit situation and I need to continue to take it one day at a time.

Thank you for all your replies

50 years ago, when my Mum had - like you - two small children and was - like you - very, very unhappy and feeling as though she was going mad, she didn't make the decision to leave. Because that was, as you say, a big decision.
She did decide to take us and go and stay with her Mum.
She never went back. After a while her head cleared and she filed for divorce.
Could you take your kids and stay with someone OP, to clear your head a bit? It sounds as if this would come under the permitted "avoid risk of harm" criteria.