Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How can this be

42 replies

TuckFriar · 10/03/2021 20:44

I have changed my username.

I am in an abusive marriage.

Not all the time, most definitely not. When it's good it's lovely and all is okay.

But when it's bad, it's absolutely awful. So nasty and so cruel.

What the fuck do I do.
I have mental health issues and I do not have the strength to leave . And as I say, when he's lovely, he is absolutely wonderful.
But my goodness, he can be fucking cruel when he's nasty.

I just don't know what to do

OP posts:
DoverSoul · 11/03/2021 12:41

Tuck it's a shock when you realise what he is doing to you, see his behaviour for what it is. Your head will be all over the place for a while, take time to get used to the idea (as long as you and your children are physically safe). I would recommend talking to Women's Aid - they are not going to tell you to leave him immediately, they will be there to listen and give you any advice you need. I couldn't have got through my situation without them.

Do NOT tell your husband you know what he's doing. Try and keep acting the same whilst making whatever plans you want to make and please keep posting Flowers

TuckFriar · 11/03/2021 20:52

This is just shit.

He works incredibly long hours and so I understand that he gets tired but this shit has reached new levels.

What am I going to do.

I really am falling apart .

OP posts:
DoverSoul · 12/03/2021 13:41

You're not falling apart, Tuck, it just feels like it. Do you think you could try talking to Women's Aid? Or your GP?

Just because he works long hours and gets tired does not mean it's okay for him to abuse you. If he's ramping it up you need to get help now, before he gets any worse, because he will.

TuckFriar · 12/03/2021 15:47

Today is terrible.

I really am struggling.

If it wasn't for my children it's likely I would
take something to make it stop

OP posts:
LIZS · 12/03/2021 16:02

Terrible because of him or your mh. Please call your gp or a mh line.

DoverSoul · 12/03/2021 17:27

How are you doing now, Tuck? Have you spoken to anyone?

Eckhart · 12/03/2021 17:56

My feelings are real and it's real how he makes me feel

This is the key to the door that gets you out of feeling like this, @TuckFriar

You ask 'What am I going to do?'. The first step is to grab and grip that statement with your head and with your heart. Because even if your mental health was at the root of this (and I don't for a second believe that it is), then a caring person wouldn't be saying to you that your mental health was at the root of this.

Can you imagine, if you weren't in this situation yourself, if a person you loved was having mental health difficulties. Can you imagine how cruel you would feel to say to them 'Well, look at all the problems you're causing, with your depression and your anxiety! You're ruining everything!'

Just ponder that. That's how cruel he is being to you.

It isn't inappropriate to have a decline in mental heath when you are being subjected to cruelty, in your home, on a regular basis, by somebody who says they love you. It is the entirely sane response, just as much as saying 'Ow!' when you bang your head.

How bad you feel is representative of the level of cruelty you are being subjected to. It's not your fault. Cruelty drives sane people like yourself right to the edge.

You have to get away from him. There is support for you, at Women's Aid. Even if you just call them once, they can give you advice and encouragement. They have seen thousands of women in very similar positions to you; in the nicest possible way, there is nothing special about you. This happens to tonnes of people, all the time, from all different walks of life.

Women's Aid can help you. And you can help yourself by staying away from him whenever you can, and reminding yourself over and over that there is nothing wrong with you and that it makes no sense to feel guilty for somebody else's cruelty towards you.

TuckFriar · 12/03/2021 21:50

E*ckhart
*
Thank you.
I keep reading and re reading your post.

Thank you so much 💕

OP posts:
Kfdbhydcjrsx · 12/03/2021 21:53

Your children need you to leave him.

Your mental health will never improve as long as you stay.

TuckFriar · 12/03/2021 22:02

It's bad tonight. I thought that it would be okay as he was happy when he came in from work.

I suspect as well he's had his head turned at work. He's always available to speak to me on the phone but his phone has started to ping at 12am and again at 5 this morning. I know he's currently working with a female ( he works in a male dominated environment) and he knows this person from yonks ago as well...
That sounds a bit lame on my part but there are other little things too that have made my radar become aware ...

He was very aggressive to me
verbally just now. Told me
to pack my bags and
fuck off... I pay for everything etc etc

Just sitting here and my heart is absolutely racing . He's gone upstairs.

It is honestly such a shit situation and I am
not sure I have the strength in me to get out of it.

OP posts:
Yellowfish2020 · 12/03/2021 22:33

@TuckFriar

It's bad tonight. I thought that it would be okay as he was happy when he came in from work.

I suspect as well he's had his head turned at work. He's always available to speak to me on the phone but his phone has started to ping at 12am and again at 5 this morning. I know he's currently working with a female ( he works in a male dominated environment) and he knows this person from yonks ago as well...
That sounds a bit lame on my part but there are other little things too that have made my radar become aware ...

He was very aggressive to me
verbally just now. Told me
to pack my bags and
fuck off... I pay for everything etc etc

Just sitting here and my heart is absolutely racing . He's gone upstairs.

It is honestly such a shit situation and I am
not sure I have the strength in me to get out of it.

Is this where the mental health accusations come from? You worrying he may be cheating? It's absolutely textbook 'gaslighting' if you have reasons to suspect him of cheating that are being turned into you being labelled as 'crazy'.
Eckhart · 12/03/2021 22:42

That sounds a bit lame on my part but there are other little things too that have made my radar become aware

OK. You have a mindset going on here. You keep belittling your own feelings. You need to find a way to validate what you feel. That's why you liked my post before, because it validated you. It made your experience into something understandable, something real, something that isn't just 'you being mental', or whatever revolting phrase he uses.

You are spotting signs about what he might be up to. Don't call that lame. That radar you talk about is the real you. And the bit of you that knows you're not causing all this with your mental health issues, that is the real you as well. The bit of you that's screaming inside 'It's not fair!! It's not my fault!! YOU'RE SO CRUEL!!', that's also the real you. The bit that cries is the real you.

The real you gets silenced by you saying things like 'sounds a bit lame'. She gets silenced by you saying that when he's nice, he's really nice, and half justifying his behaviour.

Are you aware of a part of you that you're surpressing? Like, and angry part? A part that feels like it's having a tantrum? A part that is really upset it never gets heard, and so it never bothers to speak anymore? And if so, can you identify that part of you in your childhood? Perhaps you weren't listened to, or you realised that keeping quiet kept the peace, or stopped abuse?

DoverSoul · 13/03/2021 08:11

I suspect as well he's had his head turned at work.

I did wonder if he had someone else. Mine ramped up his abuse of me when he was getting more involved with the OW. It became physical again.

Tuck have you been able to speak to anyone in RL? I'm concerned for your safety.

TuckFriar · 14/03/2021 16:23

Fuck

Please please advise

He's seen all the notes of written down

All of them

OP posts:
category12 · 15/03/2021 08:59

Are you safe, op? Please call the police if you're in danger.

crackingcrackers · 15/03/2021 12:20

Hi op, I'm so sorry to hear how awful he is. He needs to go, or you need to leave. Do you have somewhere you can go? Are you safe? As above, call the police if you're in danger.

Hailtomyteeth · 15/03/2021 12:30

Phone the police.

The whole of your relationship is abusive, not just the times when he's being unpleasant. Making you ill at ease because you fear what might come next is abuse.

Hopefully, you have the police with you or on their way. Get the husband out, with no regrets and no getting back together. Your mental health will improve and you'll manage. It's ok to be scared and to cry (dd and me used to sit on the stairs and wail when we felt like it) but you'll get better. Really.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.