Husband and silent treatment!

[BusyBee66]

I have been married to my husband for a long time and we have children together.
We’ve had a tough few years, where he’s told me on various occasions he wants a divorce, he’s also told a male friend, we have a shit and boring marriage. He has also said hurtful things to me in the past.
We have not been getting on well for some time, we have good and bad days but he does not communicate, after disagreements he will ignore me for days, until I confront him, he spends his evenings in a separate room, this has been happening for weeks, possibly months.
He will accuse me of being negative but when I reflect back, I know I haven’t done anything that is negative, apart from the odd moan, in fact I’ve listened to him and been supportive when he’s needed it.

Any advice please?

This sounds unbearable, no advice but sending you some hugs. He seems to be very abusive in his language and behaviour. I would suggest that you need to think about what you want from him, and your life from him. Good luck.

He is emotionally abusing you. Call Women's Aid, they'll be able to listen to you and give you advice

My advice is to divorce him

You aren't getting anything out of this relationship. I think you will feel liberated if you put a plan together and get out of there. Hugs

You will hear the silence far less if you live in a different house

BusyBee

You are in an abusive relationship with your H and the silent treatment from him is emotionally abusive behaviour. Such men do not change, this is who he really is.

Did you yourself see similar treatment between your parents as a child?.

Would call his bluff and divorce him; he merely likes having you around to abuse and be his cleaner/housemaid.

Can I ask why nothing has actually come of him saying he wants to divorce? Did you talk and he changed his mind, or has he said it and just left it hanging without actually doing anything about it, or did it seem like an empty threat thrown to hurt you in an argument? I ask because it sounds like he's checked out and is detaching from you by sitting in a separate room which makes me wonder why he isn't cracking in with divorce or separation if that's what he wants. Do you want it to be over OP?

I don't think he is being abusive, but I do suspect he is miserable, frustrated and hates his life with you. There may be no rational reasons for this - you may well be a perfectly reasonable and pleasant person.

If you want to try to save your marriage you will need him to want that too, and I suspect that's unlikely tone the case.

Personally I can't see why you would want to stay. Divorce him.

My advice would be to split up.
It sounds like he’s not interested in continuing the relationship really and is checked out. May as well separate and work towards getting your own places so you can at least live in a nicer atmosphere.

If you don't feel you can leave, detach yourself from him emotionally. So, if he's giving you the silent treatment, just ignore him. Do something you love, away from his company. He can be silent all he likes, you don't have to care.

I'd say this was emotionally abusive though. I assume he knows it bothers you, and rather than trying to find a way forward, he'd just rather have you suffer.

If you're not being outwardly negative.. WHY NOT?! You're living in a horrible situation and have every right to feel negative. Are you feeling negative but keeping it all in? It seems so, I suppose, or you wouldn't be posting here for support.

What would he do if you said 'Of course I'm feeling negative, I'm living with a man who refuses to speak to me for weeks at a time.' I'm not suggesting you say it, more trying to guage why he does what he does, and how uncomfortable he's making you.

Leaving is really your only option. He's not making a relationship possible. He's actively refusing to try to relate to you.

@Weirdfan Yes I suppose he’s threatened me with divorce to hurt me, rather than deal with things the way most would, he deals with them completely the wrong way, no emotion and no communication.
He told me just after Christmas “I nearly binned you Christmas Day!” He apologised but still, once said, it’s hard to undo.
You’re right there’s no respect for me, he’s told me he loves me but saying it and feeling it are two completely opposite things.

he’s told me he loves me but saying it and feeling it are two completely opposite things

It's an insult if it's empty words. Not only does the person not love you, but they lie to your face about it. It's horrible.

The problem is because I’m quite placid and generally a quiet person, I’m an easy target and I guess i have become tolerant to a degree.

Divorce this miserable, abusive prick already. What a horrid existence you're living. Life is far too short to waste it on a man like this.

That would be "Ex-husband and silent treatment"...

Sounds miserable & very destabilising. No way to live.

@BusyBee66

The problem is because I’m quite placid and generally a quiet person, I’m an easy target and I guess i have become tolerant to a degree.

The problem is that he treats you with disrespect. That's not caused by you being placid and tolerant. He shouldn't need a bloody target, let alone be using you as one. You're his quiet, placid wife. That makes his poor treatment of you less warranted, not more.

It sounds like you're trying to find a way to shoulder some of the blame for him treating you very badly.

He’s hugely disrespectful
Divorce him

He nearly ‘binned you’? How very fucking dare he?! Wanker. Are you planning on dumping his sorry arse? Or will you be spending a very quiet long retirement with him?

Definitely time to check out, no pleasure in being with someone with spoilt brat sulky behaviour.
You might as well be on your own! See a solicitor and get your eggs in the basket.

Leave him. Life’s too short to put up with being treated with so much disrespect and spite.

Don’t give him all the power. He doesn’t get to decide whether you stay married, you do. Don’t waste another second on him, you’ll be better off on your own than living like this.

Its time for you to decide whether you want to live your life like this, having a DH with a terminal illness sharpens your focus in to how fragile life is...do you truly want to live out yours with this man?

The thing is that if you stay, his contempt will be even greater.

What's your financial situation? Do you work? Do you rent or do you have a mortgage? How old are the children?

He has absolutely no respect for you at all, to be talk about you and to you, in this way.
Its almost like he thinks you should be grateful that hes still with you.

I'd pack my bags, or his, with my head held up high, and leave. I would rather be on my own than be in a relationship like this.

Take back your power. Tell him it’s over