Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

AITA - Mother’s Day dilemma

46 replies

zaahjayx · 10/03/2021 12:24

Okay, so technically it’s not ME that’s the ah* here... but the debate is very much applicable.

A quick backstory, I have a 2 year old daughter who’s biological father checked out of both our lives 6 days after finding out I was pregnant (I was approx. 6 weeks so very early days).

My mother stepped in and became the pinnacle figure during my pregnancy. Came to every single pre-natal appointment, took care of me during my sickness, helped out buying all baby necessities ready for the arrival and most of all she was my birthing partner! She was my rock and to some degree still very much is, as she cares for my daughter for me to be able to work.

Fast forward a little, I am now in a relationship with a great man. We have been together now for just shy of a year and are currently living together. He loves my daughter and she loves him, the bond between them both is undeniably strong and I couldn’t be happier.

That is until I became entwined in this predicament...

So being that last year me and my partner began exclusively dating very early April, he has never been with us for Mother’s Day. He thought it would be a lovely surprise to order a custom made card for me and a small gift; addressed from my daughter.

This went down horribly with my Mother!!!

She became deeply upset and angry that he would have, as she put it, “the f*ing cheek and audacity” to step in and take it upon himself to arrange any Mother’s Day surprises for me from my daughter. She says “this has always been my job from the start, who does he think he is to come in trying to take over that position”.

My partner tells me that he wanted to do something small to show he highly respects me as a mother, not just as his girlfriend. My mother thinks that he needs to learn his place and consult with her first before taking it upon himself to “play the role of a father”. He assures me that if he knew my mother was going to become so upset and enraged he would NEVER have done it as he doesn’t want to come across like he is trying to step on anybody’s toes or take over.

I can see both points of view and am just so totally caught in the middle of this, I think my head just might explode the more I think about it.

I could really do with some opinions on the situation, as I really don’t know what to say or do, especially when I love them both so much and don’t want either relationship in turmoil.

Please guys.. let me know what you think. Don’t beat around the bush, give it to me straight🙌🏻

OP posts:
Eteri · 10/03/2021 12:27

I think you sound enmeshed with your mother and need to take several steps back. You can see both points? Really?

Easterbunnygettingready · 10/03/2021 12:28

Your dm needs to back off imo..
My dm was also never happy when my relationships were going well...

NotMyPremium · 10/03/2021 12:30

Your mother needs to wind her neck in and her relationship with you that sounds lacking in boundaries could quite easily push this man away. The fact that you also see her point is not a good thing.

Eteri · 10/03/2021 12:30

Tbh, I would go as far as it sounds like a form of coercive control from your mother. You bet your ass she's intimidated because she's afraid of losing control and influence over you. No normal person reacts that way to somebody receiving a card and gift. Nowhere in the rule book does it say only one person can gift you something on a special occasion.

FoggyDay58 · 10/03/2021 12:30

Sounds like you're quite enmeshed with your mother, hence her upset at your DP making a very kind and thoughtful gesture to you. To be clear, your mother is BU, your partner is NBU. Very unkind of your DM to turn a kind gesture towards you into an incident/infraction of supposed boundaries that makes you feel bad, when in any case it was not in your control.

Blancah · 10/03/2021 12:31

Your mum has overstepped a boundary.
Only you know if it's a one off behaviour (which is rare by the way! You probably need to step back and truly look at wether she's selflessly "helped" or happily "controlled" you throughout the last few years) or wether this has just tripped a nerve somehow and she'll become a reasonable person again once you address it.
Good luck Thanks

RosieGuacamosie · 10/03/2021 12:33

Obviously your mum is being unreasonable but your boyfriend living with you and being a father figure to your child is WAY too soon after being together less than a year!

Chinam · 10/03/2021 12:34

Your mother needs to take a massive step back here. Your partner is trying to do something nice for you. Why does she not want him to treat you well?

Blancah · 10/03/2021 12:36

@RosieGuacamosie

Obviously your mum is being unreasonable but your boyfriend living with you and being a father figure to your child is WAY too soon after being together less than a year!

I've got to say I agree, if I was your mate or sister I think I'd be quite concerned about the speed of it all.

GlitterBiscuits · 10/03/2021 12:39

Is this a man you plan to have a long term future with? Will your child come see him as her father? More children in the future?
If yes, your mum needs to take a step back but you need to explain why to her.

He sounds like a good egg.
Maybe your mum was just trying to protect you from a potential git like your previous boyfriend?

Marineboy67 · 10/03/2021 12:39

Your mother needs to back off & quickly. You have a guy in your life that's stepped up to the mark with you & your child. She should be pleased and glad you have someone good in you & your daughters life. She sounds incredibly possessive, I can understand her being protective but she's stepped over the mark.

MazekeenSmith · 10/03/2021 12:41

Your mum is way off
She may be coming from a place of protectiveness towards you and DS but it's way over the line

WhiskyIrnBru · 10/03/2021 12:41

Oft. Are you my sister?! Your mother sounds like my mother. A martyr. On paper a great person who would do anything for you and your DD but when you go off script or start to have a life...that doesn't sit well.

We are now NC for many reasons but this was one and it took me a long time to separate the saintlyness of my mother with the harsh fact it was actually controlling...

I have to say my mental health improved so much after NC. As hard and awful as it was.

FatCatThinCat · 10/03/2021 12:42

I can see why your mum is upset if it's something she has done for your DD in the past, but kicking off about it is OTT. At the same time I agree with the previous posters that your boyfriend doing it after just a year is weird and would worry me if you were my daughter.

Justcallmebebes · 10/03/2021 12:43

Can your partner do flowers and card and your mum buy a little gift (mug, key ring etc) from your daughter?

My daughter was with a complete loser who never bothered with mother's day etc so I used to do it on the (v young) children's behalf. She now has a lovely partner who is brilliant at gifts and occasions so on Mother's day he buys cards and flowers and I buy a little gift from each child. Nothing big, just a token. On her last birthday, he bought the cards and I got the children to write/scribble/draw in them.
Everyone's happy.

Justcallmebebes · 10/03/2021 12:43

Your mum's reaction does seem a little extreme though

CatsNotDogs · 10/03/2021 12:47

Your Mum is being fucking ridiculous and after being abandoned by a prick of an ex she should be happy you've found a good guy

MysteriousMonkey · 10/03/2021 12:47

Your mother needs to grow up. What a ridiculous over reaction. I think it seems that she is scared of losing you maybe?

FreeAt50 · 10/03/2021 12:48

I met and moved in with my husband after around 6 months of knowing him - it was long distance and we couldn't bear it any longer - when my daughter was 6. We were happily married for 20 years. So it can work.

As for your mum, can you not let her know how unreasonable she is being but in a nice way? I know everyone will say she is out of order but she has, as you admit, been a huge part of your lives so far. I know my own mum was happy for my husband to be a father figure and all that entailed, but I she is not a hands on mum/grandmother, although she did and still does make a fuss of me on mothers day!

MMmomDD · 10/03/2021 12:56

Given that your 2yo isn’t actually doing anything herself - why can’t both your mom and your Bf get you something from ‘her’?
And what sort of a ‘surprise’ is it if he is discussing it with everybody involved.

Your mother sounds quite lonely and seems to have put all her emotional needs into her relationship with you & her grand daughter.
It is great that you have this bond with her as she’ll always be there for the both of you.
But I’d talk to her and tell her that there is no reason all of you can’t get along and love the little girl. And tell her that you understand that she may be understandably cautious of your still fairly new relationship - but it’s a good thing he is so positive about being an effective step-parent. And that it’s a good things in the long term.

Plus - don’t forget to give your mother something nice too. Just to show your gratitude for being there.

Chloemol · 10/03/2021 12:57

My guess, your mother is either cross or jealous( or even both) that you have found someone, especially someone who has bonded so well with your child.

I don’t think your partner has done anything wrong, and your mother is being a twat

You should perhaps sit down with her, thank her for her support, confirm you want her to help with your child, and have a great relationship with then, but that she has to accept some things will now move to be the responsibility of your partner

Bibidy · 10/03/2021 12:59

Sorry but I'm another one who can't see how you can see both sides.

Your partner has done literally nothing wrong here at all - he has done what he thought would be a nice gesture for you and your daughter.

Your mother's reaction is what I might expect from a crazy ex-husband who feels your bf is trying to step into his shoes as your daughter's father. Sounds weird to say but your mother is NOT your daughter's other parent.

She should be glad that her granddaughter may finally have a caring father figure in her life - not jealous that she's being 'pushed out'.

They are not in the same role, it's bizarre she has reacted this way.

Bibidy · 10/03/2021 13:11

Also there is no reason why your mum can't still get you a little something to show that she appreciates your hard work as a mother.

But it is not her role to get you something from your daughter for mother's day. In the absence of her bio dad, I would expect that to be picked up by her stepfather, if he was willing. Which he is, and which is a lovely way for him to show how much he cares for you AND your daughter.

Original poster
zaahjayx · 10/03/2021 15:54

@RosieGuacamosie

Obviously your mum is being unreasonable but your boyfriend living with you and being a father figure to your child is WAY too soon after being together less than a year!
I did forget to add that we don’t force “step father” on my daughter, she calls him by a nickname. And yes we do live together, but due to circumstance.
OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 10/03/2021 15:57

Your mum is out of order here
If he’s going to live with you and be your partner then he’s going to become more important in your child’s life eventually