AITA - Mother’s Day dilemma

[zaahjayx]

Okay, so technically it’s not ME that’s the ah* here... but the debate is very much applicable.

A quick backstory, I have a 2 year old daughter who’s biological father checked out of both our lives 6 days after finding out I was pregnant (I was approx. 6 weeks so very early days).

My mother stepped in and became the pinnacle figure during my pregnancy. Came to every single pre-natal appointment, took care of me during my sickness, helped out buying all baby necessities ready for the arrival and most of all she was my birthing partner! She was my rock and to some degree still very much is, as she cares for my daughter for me to be able to work.

Fast forward a little, I am now in a relationship with a great man. We have been together now for just shy of a year and are currently living together. He loves my daughter and she loves him, the bond between them both is undeniably strong and I couldn’t be happier.

That is until I became entwined in this predicament...

So being that last year me and my partner began exclusively dating very early April, he has never been with us for Mother’s Day. He thought it would be a lovely surprise to order a custom made card for me and a small gift; addressed from my daughter.

This went down horribly with my Mother!!!

She became deeply upset and angry that he would have, as she put it, “the f*ing cheek and audacity” to step in and take it upon himself to arrange any Mother’s Day surprises for me from my daughter. She says “this has always been my job from the start, who does he think he is to come in trying to take over that position”.

My partner tells me that he wanted to do something small to show he highly respects me as a mother, not just as his girlfriend. My mother thinks that he needs to learn his place and consult with her first before taking it upon himself to “play the role of a father”. He assures me that if he knew my mother was going to become so upset and enraged he would NEVER have done it as he doesn’t want to come across like he is trying to step on anybody’s toes or take over.

I can see both points of view and am just so totally caught in the middle of this, I think my head just might explode the more I think about it.

I could really do with some opinions on the situation, as I really don’t know what to say or do, especially when I love them both so much and don’t want either relationship in turmoil.

Please guys.. let me know what you think. Don’t beat around the bush, give it to me straight🙌🏻

And yes we do live together, but due to circumstance.

I'm not really sure what this means? It's a choice you've made, to have a boyfriend move in with you less than a year after meeting him when you have a two year old. Too much, too soon.

Your mum sounds controlling and has overstepped hugely on this, but that doesn't change the fact that you have massively rushed moving him in considering you have a little one.

I think a lot of relationships have gone into high gear because of lockdowns.

Your mother is out of line, you deserve to have your own nuclear family and whilst grandparents are part of a wider circle its actually your mother who needs to learn her place in the family.

If you've also been allow your mother to make parenting decisions for you maybe its time to consider exactly when does this end. Will she have a part in picking a primary school for example?

Your mother is totally out of line and you should make sure she knows that before she drives a wedge between you and your partner.

He must be thinking she's absolutely nuts

There's no reason at all they can't both do something if they want. NONE. It's supposed to be something to make YOU feel special, not about showing off and being territorial.

Since your DC is only two, your mother can't have done this more than a couple of times for mothers day - hardly a family tradition I'd have thought - so I really don't see why she's making such a fuss (unless she wants to upset everyone of course).

Looks like your mother has got some wires crossed and thinks she's your child's father now.

She is out of order and over the top but you’ve rushed this relationship and that’s not great either!

None of you is an asshole. Your mother is a bit intense but not necessarily as asshole.

Op take no notice of pp castigating you for moving in with a man to soon because they don't know you and they don't know your relationship, a year is not a short amount of time or to soon and quite frankly it's irrelevant to your question. As for your mother, she is bang out of order! She has absolutely no right to act like that at all. However i would consider that it may be coming from a place of concern that she doesn't want you treated badly again.

Funny, I don't remember the part in the OP where she asked for judgement on how quickly her relationship had moved.

@NotMyPremium

Funny, I don't remember the part in the OP where she asked for judgement on how quickly her relationship had moved.

It’s part of the whole issue though isn’t it. OP I expect your mum thinks it’s all moving too fast, and I don’t blame her.

I would definitely side with your boyfriend here and say that your Mum should leave well alone and not interfere. She may well have been a fantastic support to you and your daughter and sorted out Mothers Day stuff for you in the past but, ultimately, she should want to see you happy and be pleased you're with someone kind and thoughtful. If you and bf stay together, it would naturally become his 'job' to sort your Mothers Day present out, not your Mum's! You might be her daughter but you're also an adult and have formed a relationship with a very nice sounding guy! Definitely see it from your man's pov...

Your mother sounds intense. She's not your daughter's father either. Is your partner supposed to be psychic.
He does not NEED to ask permission from your mother. He may ask for ideas, although I doubt that after this.

I think you need to talk to your mum.

@NotMyPremium

Funny, I don't remember the part in the OP where she asked for judgement on how quickly her relationship had moved.

Usually I’d completely agree with that but there is a strong possibility that it’s part of the issue.

Even if your mum doesn't strictly approve of your relationship for whatever reason, her reaction to someone giving you a gift for mother's Day is very weird. He did a kind thing, your mum is being pretty irrational about this. Like pp I don't really understand how you see both sides, you might feel like you owe your mum a lot for what she did for you - but she doesn't own you.

Your mother is overreacting.

Him doing something nice for you doesnt detract from anything that your mother has planned. Very odd over reaction from your mother.

Seems a bit odd you'd tell your mum he's buying the gift?

Maybe she is concerned about how quickly he's moved in and sees something you don't ?

What month did he move in?

Your mum is way, way over the top. There is a new man in your life and he has taken it upon himself to do a lovely thing. She can also do a lovely thing or not, as she likes.

Your mum needs to understand that your life has more people in it now, and she should be accepting, I can't imagine seeing her 'side' in this.

Please be nice to her and explain it is not her role to replace your child's dad.

Your mother needs to get a grip but if you met a guy and moved in together during covid I'd be questioning your judgment too. Bad for your child no matter how nice he is.

Your mums reaction is extreme and suggests she is over involved but it sounds like she was absolutely there for you when you needed her. Does she not like this partner in general and so has worries about this. Did he get you one of those 'to my girlfriend on mother's day ' cards ,which I think are weird. It is the first mother's day and she thinks it is too early for him to take this role? I am wondering why she/you know about the card/gift already and why they can't both do something for you. But what ever her reaction is too much and all about her. But if in general this is out of character for her I would try to understand/get ti the bottom of it.

Looks like your mother has got some wires crossed and thinks she's your child's father now.

The same thing happened to me and my mum and grandma massively stepped up. I mean, they practically were the child's second and third parents while I was trying to build a career etc. I'd leave the house before she woke up, get home just in time to do bath and bed.

So I can kind of sympathise with the DMs feeling of being "fobbed off" now that OP has met a new guy.

And lets be real here, he is a new guy. It's not even been a year yet. Op can say DP & DD love each other and have a great bond etc but DM has been one of the two primary carers since the child was born (and still is according to Op).

I don't think new guy was being unreasonable at all - mum was 100% in the wrong with her reaction.

But I can't help feeling quite sad for your mum reading some of these responses. She's being called controlling but she's the one looking after the child while OP is at work etc.

Not berating OP for that -- I did exactly the same. But it is a lot more like a coparent relationship than a mother daughter relationship when you're in that situation. I know this because I've been in one. It was my mum who knew the date of the next dentist appointment etc, not me.

Cut off too soon, but the point I was getting at is that maybe DM was feeling a bit of a Disney Dad situation here.... she's been doing the grunt work for the last two years (and is still looking after DD while you work) and then new DP "swans in" and starts doing the "fun stuff" i.e the brownie points stuff.

It's easy to buy a card, not so easy to do half the stuff your mum as been doing.

That kind of thing?

I could be totally wrong here -- just trying to see if there's a different perspective here that we're all overlooking.