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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Relationship advice please

36 replies

MissSparkle47 · 10/03/2021 11:39

Please can I have some advice, this is my first post...
I have been with my partner nearly 8 years. I sold my house and moved to his at the end of last year. We have brought some land and we are going to be building our own house and we needed the money to start things off.
Since I moved up it seems I cannot do anything right, I load the dishwasher wrong, don't make the bed right. Don't clean the sides down properly, don't make the bed properly. I walk on broken eggshells a lot. On Sunday i cooked a massive roast done alll the tidying up and because i didn't put the little silver plug (that collects the food) back in the sink hole properly he went mad. Calls me thick and says if i just do it how he wants it done he would have no reason to have a go at me.My 9 year old little dogs moved up with me because they wake up early and was quite unsettled he suggested we 'make a decision on them' for our quality of life. The have gone to my ex husbands now where my daughter is residing.
So I only had one child still living at home she is 17 she moved to her fathers when I moved to his as it is closer to college. She is going to University in September. They had a falling out last year which wasn't really anything to do with him but he has made it about him and hasn't seen her for 7 months. If i'd known she would never be able to stay I would have never moved up. His daughter lives with him every other week she is and as much as I love her i cannot help feel resentment that mine isn't allowed in the house. I know my friends a rethinking I am choosing him over my daughter and when i try to talk to him about any of this he shuts me down. my only saving grace at the minute is i work full time so can get out of the house. He has also criticised me for still wanting to see my children during Covid saying i should socially distance with them for a walk (when it is freezing and pouring down) but it is fine for his daughter to go between houses. I stopped seeing certain people and going out with certain friends as he didn't like it. He goes on to me for hours and hours and I am feeling mentally exhausted oh and quite homeless as he is quite regularly telling me to leave x

OP posts:
category12 · 10/03/2021 11:46

You should take his advice and leave. You're being treated like crap. You have chosen him over your daughter if he won't let her in the house. What are you doing with your life?

Move out and dump him.

Bananalanacake · 10/03/2021 11:47

You need to leave, he is very controlling, stopping you seeing friends. Have you got enough money to rent a flat.

Dayafterday · 10/03/2021 11:47

Why don’t you leave then? It’s the obvious answer. You can’t see your teenage daughter, he sounds really horrible, you don’t get on and he wants you to leave anyway.

category12 · 10/03/2021 11:48

Oh god, you've put all your money into this build, haven't you? Please say you have some left and you could claw some back of you sold the land.

Amdone123 · 10/03/2021 11:53

Why are you with him ??
My very first LTB.

Justcallmebebes · 10/03/2021 11:58

This has so many red flags. The fact that he is making your relationship with your daughter strained is appalling and the reason for my very first LTB. You can't possibly live with a man who won't allow your daughter in the house. And he chucked your dog out too!

Do you have or can you recoup any of the money from your house sale?

Justcallmebebes · 10/03/2021 11:59

Did you take legal advice on the purchase of the land? Is any of your contribution ring fenced?

Twizbe · 10/03/2021 12:00

Take your money and run.

Original poster
MissSparkle47 · 10/03/2021 12:03

I could stay with my other daughter I did leave a couple of weeks ago and ended up back there. He can be really nice but i cannot live with the next 30 years of criticism. He knows I struggle with anxiety as it is. He has illusions of grandeur thinks he is better than my children and I wants to control when i see them and what i do for them. I feel such a fool x

OP posts:
Original poster
MissSparkle47 · 10/03/2021 12:06

I made sure i brought the land in my name only and said i would transfer the other half when he started contributing towards it. He wouldn't give me £10 let alone me in theory giving him £150k and me being homeless.

OP posts:
Cuppaza · 10/03/2021 12:08

For the life of me I can not fathom why some women put these pathetic, nasty arseholes above their own flesh and blood, above family, above friends.
Why have you put yourself in this situation? You need to find a way to leave. This man will break you

Amdone123 · 10/03/2021 12:49

Phew! At least the land is in your name only.
When you left last time, how did you end up back ? Did you miss him, or was he promising to change etc

WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo · 10/03/2021 13:09

Sell the land and get out, he is an awful person and not in any way worth your relationship with your daughter.

HollowTalk · 10/03/2021 13:13

This is so easy, when you think about it. You can't possibly live your life with a man like this. He isn't even letting you see your own children!

Thank god you didn't share the land with him. I'd get out as soon as I could. Is your daughter's home near your work place? Can you book a week off work and use that time to get a flat somewhere and move out?

Can you list the things that are stopping you from leaving?

LifeExperience · 10/03/2021 13:14

Get away from him. You and your daughter deserve better.

category12 · 10/03/2021 13:20

You just need to go and sort yourself somewhere to live. Sell the land, never see him again, consider it a lucky escape and rebuild bridges with your children and family and friends.

Maybe get counselling/do the freedom programme to try and work out why you've made the choices you have recently, so you don't get sucked back and don't end up with another controlling asshole.

MrsVogon · 10/03/2021 13:31

Please leave him and on the way, pick up your daughter and your pets.

He's done a good job on you and you do not deserve it.

MrsVogon · 10/03/2021 13:36

@MissSparkle47

I could stay with my other daughter I did leave a couple of weeks ago and ended up back there. He can be really nice but i cannot live with the next 30 years of criticism. He knows I struggle with anxiety as it is. He has illusions of grandeur thinks he is better than my children and I wants to control when i see them and what i do for them. I feel such a fool x
Fuck all of that!! You are NOT a fool, chalk it up to a learning experience and repair the connections with your family. Leave him well behind. x
Wanderlusto · 10/03/2021 13:41

Basically he is a malignant narcissist who is systematically isolating you from your friends and family, using constant criticism to were you down and possibly trying to get his grubby hands on your dosh.

Narcissists are a step aside from psychopaths op. Not to say he couldn't be one of those too. Delusions of grandeur... ...

Seriously op, fucking run.

He isnt a nice human being and he isnt even good to you. It's not a relationship, it's a prison cell.

Run, escape and if he chases and harasses you, dont be slow to call the police.

mamaoffourdc · 10/03/2021 13:41

Pack up your stuff and leave - sell the land and reclaim your life

Wanderlusto · 10/03/2021 13:44

And dont let him start building anything on that land. Put it up for sale asap and speak to a lawyer about the situation.

Newfor2021 · 10/03/2021 13:46

Thanks fuck you had the insight to protect yourself OP.
He won’t change, so you have to decide is it this or no relationship?
Only you can decide Flowers

Eckhart · 10/03/2021 13:55

I did leave a couple of weeks ago and ended up back there

What was the process by which you ended up back there? Was he suddenly nice to you? Did he threaten you? What actually happened?

I mean, it doesn't matter in terms of what you need to do next, which is to get rid of him immediately and get some proper support around you. It does matter in terms of breaking down why you have ended up in this situation, so that you can make sure it never happens again.

Cockenspiel · 10/03/2021 13:55

Leave, for the love of god!

This man is clearly a malignant narcissist who is systematically trying to break and isolate you.

Tal45 · 10/03/2021 14:12

I think you made a huge mistake giving up everything to be with him. I'd start backing out ASAP. xxx

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