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Original poster

Why won’t she take my money?

41 replies

TheLost · 10/03/2021 11:29

Best friend of 20 years has been completely screwed over by the pandemic. She owns a gym and all her staff have been furloughed but she has been entitled to very little. As such she’s eaten through her savings, had to give up her flat and has been living in her gym for the last few months. Someone reported her as living there and she has been told to leave ASAP as it invalidates her business insurance.

She’s asked if she could come and stay with me for a few months while she gets back on her feet. I do have a spare room but I’m currently going through a marriage break up although dh is still living here. It’s a massively uncomfortable environment that I’m trying to keep as calm as possible for dc and the last thing I need would be friend adding to the stress by being here. Not that she’d be any trouble, just that I like my own space and I feel I’d never be able to fully relax with her here all the time.

I’ve offered her enough money for a deposit and the first couple of months rent on a furnished flat that a friend of mine is renting out (privately so considerably cheaper than a lot of the other places available m). If she didn’t want that particular flat then I can give her money for another one, that one just seemed perfect.

But she’s adamant that she won’t take my money, that she doesn’t want to take handouts and she wants to get out of this mess on her own.I’ve made it perfectly clear that if much prefer her to take the money - it really makes no difference to me financially whether she does or not (I know this makes me sound like a dick but it’s true), I don’t need it paying back anytime soon or even ever if she can’t afford to and it would be so much less stressful for me if she rented somewhere rather than moved in with me for an indefinite amount of time.

How can I convince her to take it? I’d never let her be homeless obviously and will let her stay with me if she is really stuck. I just don’t understand why she wouldn’t take an option that would be easier for both of us.

OP posts:
Justcallmebebes · 10/03/2021 11:53

That's kind of you but if it's only a deposit and a couple of months rent, maybe she's worried about what she will do when the couple of months are up. Maybe she has her pride and doesn't want a financial handout

Original poster
TheLost · 10/03/2021 12:14

Honestly I would give her however much money she needs, she knows this. I know she thinks of herself as being too proud to take the money but I’ve made it pretty clear that I’d much rather her take the money than live with me for months!

OP posts:
Aprilx · 10/03/2021 12:17

I don’t think you are being very practical unless you are planning to take the lease out in your own name, as it stands, she might not be able to secure a tenancy.

Original poster
TheLost · 10/03/2021 12:26

She doesn’t have any debts and is definitely planning on saving enough for a deposit and one months rent before she moved anywhere. I’ve offered her a deposit and rent until she starts earning again. She already has all her own furniture which she’s put in storage so that’s not an issue. I don’t particularly want to take a lease out in my own name but would still prefer to do that than have her live with me.

OP posts:
Bbub · 10/03/2021 12:33

This sounds really messy. I don't blame you for not wanting her to stay, I wouldn't either.

It would be difficult for her to accept large sums of money though so I don't think that's a route to push either. I lent some money to a friend and our friendship was never the same again as she felt so inadequate about it (her issue, I never made an issue of it) I regret ever offering to be honest. Also an open ended arrangement of her staying would likely impact your friendship and isn't fair on you and the rest of the family.

Side point but I think if you are going through a marriage break up you should be keeping all your money safe, regardless of how comfortable you feel now, you never know what will happen.

Bbub · 10/03/2021 12:39

Be clear about her moving in not being an option it sounds really impractical. And if she doesn't respect that then she's not a good friend. If she's refused the financial help then she needs another option that doesn't involve you

Original poster
TheLost · 10/03/2021 12:50

I’m just really concerned that she may choose homelessness over accepting money. I know it’s her choice but I’d feel beyond awful if she did that because I didn’t let her stay. But I really don’t want her to stay. Dh and I sort of half portioned the house off so we can stay out of each other’s way, her coming to stay would end that. Unfortunately her family have completely disowned her due to her sexuality and she doesn’t have any other friends to ask.

She’s been applying for council housing but as she doesn’t have children and is not currently homeless she’s way down the list of priorities and it could be years.

OP posts:
category12 · 10/03/2021 13:13

I suppose if she takes money, she'll feel it as an extra debt to repay and that she might feel she'll never be able to, whereas if she were living with you, it feels like a favour she can repay more practically.

icdtap · 10/03/2021 13:15

I’m just really concerned that she may choose homelessness over accepting money. I know it’s her choice but I’d feel beyond awful if she did that because I didn’t let her stay.

If she chooses homelessness then that is her choice. You can't force her to take the money.
You shouldn't feel awful either. You very generously offered her an alternative to staying with you.
It's not possible for her to stay with you at the moment - it just adds another dynamic into the very difficult situation you are in and you need to think of your children first.
She could end up staying for months on end as it will take her a long time to get back on her feet.
If you are offering her money for a place, how long could you keep paying the rent for`? Maybe she is concerned about that because once you can no longer pay it she will have to pay it herself.

Tricky situation but it's her choice at the end of the day and you need to make clear that staying with you is definitely not an option.

SandyY2K · 10/03/2021 15:14

She's worried she won't be able to pay you back and it's further debt.

If she doesn't want to accept the money, that's her choice, but you're not obliged to house her, as I can see her staying a very long and you won't be able to get her out.

I'd leave the matter as it is and let her decide what she wants to do.

HollowTalk · 10/03/2021 15:21

But it's not just rent, is it? There's council tax and heating and food etc. It's really nice of you to offer that but on its own she's still got a problem.

Myyearmytime · 10/03/2021 15:33

Try to find her a room to rent with bill included then pay for that

Cockenspiel · 10/03/2021 15:38

As terribly sad as it is, she is a grown woman and you’ve very kindly offered her a good alternative so if she chooses to be homeless instead that really is her decision.

I also wouldn’t want to put up anyone in my home with a partner, children and home working to contend with unless there was a concrete end point of say a couple of weeks maximum. The only way that can surely work is if you’re wealthy enough to have a very large home and not going through a divorce.

Rosieposy89 · 10/03/2021 16:23

Is she entitled to claim any benefits like UC? If she is and claims, her local authority may help with tenancy deposits via a discretionary housing payment

fussygalore118 · 10/03/2021 16:24

Have you explained why? Perhaps if you do she would be more happy to accept.. especially if you add in it could be a good escape for you to go stay now and again?? She may see is as helping you a little as well if that makes sense

Original poster
TheLost · 10/03/2021 18:30

She has applied for UC but it’s taking ages and she doesn’t want to have to rely on it. I’ve spoken to her this afternoon and her latest idea is that she buy a caravan and park it on my drive while she sorts herself out. I would much prefer her to be on my drive than in my house but I’d feel awful about having a spare room with heating and hot water and her outside living in a shitty caravan (it costs £600 so it’s going to be shitty!)

OP posts:
icdtap · 10/03/2021 19:31

Who is going to buy the caravan? You or her?
Because surely if she can afford to buy a caravan she could afford to pay a few months rent for a room in a shared house somewhere.

If she parks the caravan on your drive she will be in and out for showers etc won't she?

I actually think she is being cheeky.
There are several possible options. There is no need for her to live with you nor to park a caravan on your drive to make you feel guilty every time you go past it

She doesn't want to rely on universal credit? Why? Plenty of people have to. Is she looking for work or is she just hoping the gym will be able to open again soon?
I know I sound unsympathetic - I'm not. It's a terrible situation or anyone to be in. But she seems to have decided she wants to live with you and is not willing to look at other options. I wouldn't be allowing the caravan thing either and if she decides to take a huff about it, that's her problem.

TheChip · 10/03/2021 19:40

It sounds like she has made her mind up about what she wants and won't rest until she gets it. At your house! Which is shocking really, if you take away her situation. Surely she knows, or at least has a bit of an idea of your situation and she is just bypassing that like it's nothing!

Why is she so determined to be at your home?
Too proud to take the money maybe? But taking the money is much much better than imposing on someone currently dealing with what you are dealing with. Not to mention the fact that she would be using your electric, water, space and food.

Its a bit odd if you ask me. I'd take your place off the table and if she chooses to go homeless because she can't grasp your position then so be it. She's not considering you and your feelings right now, and you're bending over backwards to see to hers!

Bbub · 10/03/2021 19:41

Omg the caravan thing is a joke! Do not let her do that! That's so cheeky

I feel really sorry for you, you must be going through such a stressful time as it is.

Your friend is having a crap time as well obviously but it's not your problem to fix. She's a grown up, no kids to consider. Let her do her own thing since she refused your suggestion

Original poster
TheLost · 10/03/2021 20:29

She’s not looking for a job as she’s still got her gym, just waiting for it to be allowed to reopen. I think she’d happily accept UC, it’s just taking forever to process her application.

I did think the caravan idea was pretty daft. I genuinely don’t think she’d do it to try and guilt trip me or anything, she’s really not a manipulative person. I think she’s so stressed that she just can’t think straight. I said maybe she could park the caravan at the car park to the gym as there’s showers and a kettle, microwave and toaster there she can use. It’s a car park shared with a few other office buildings though and she’s worried that as someone from one of them reported her for sleeping at the gym they’d also complain about the caravan.

OP posts:
category12 · 10/03/2021 20:32

It’s a car park shared with a few other office buildings though and she’s worried that as someone from one of them reported her for sleeping at the gym they’d also complain about the caravan.

They totally would. First time she parked it there.

icdtap · 10/03/2021 20:51

Are there no jobs of any description which she could do short term while waiting for the gym to open?
When is the gym likely to reopen? (I'm in another country so not sure what Boris' opening plan is).

The caravan idea is ridiculous and she needs to ditch it ASAP.

Your friend is having a crap time as well obviously but it's not your problem to fix. She's a grown up, no kids to consider. Let her do her own thing since she refused your suggestion
I agree with this.

Original poster
TheLost · 10/03/2021 22:47

Very few jobs here - tourist area and everyone in the same boat waiting for stuff to be allowed to reopen.

She does have a dd. She’s been living with friends ex, dd’s dad while friend sorts herself out. Friend has just been seeing her a couple of days a week. She used to have her living with her full time up until a few months ago so massively shit situation.

OP posts:
londonscalling · 10/03/2021 22:55

It seems bizarre that she can't sleep in her gym. When younger, colleagues would go out drinking after work in London and sleep on the office floor.

If she had a security uniform on and a Rottweiler with her, I bet nobody would think twice about her being in the building at night!

Neverhot · 10/03/2021 23:55

You say you are going through a marriage break up. Please be aware that if you divorce and exchange form e's the payments for a deposit and for your friends rent will be brought up by his solicitor.