‘It’s only banter’

[Amethyst1974]

My Bil has always had a very edgy and sometime inappropriate sense of humour. He’s been married to my sister for 10 years, they have two young children and he is 15 years older than her (early fifties). Most of the time his humour can be brushed aside and not taken too personally but something happened at the weekend that has made me think that maybe he is using humour to disguise plain nastiness.

My sister has always had an issue with body image, more so after pregnancy and breastfeeding. She never makes a big deal of it and she comes across as quite confident. We met for a walk at the weekend and my dh was relaying a story of one of his colleagues who had a reputation for talking to womens breasts rather than their faces. My bil laughed and said ‘well I’ve never had that problem with dw, it’s a good job I’m not a tit man’. My sister heard this and walked off and when I caught her up she was crying. Bil came over and told her to stop being so sensitive as ‘it’s only banter’.

For context, my sister maintains that most of the time they have a good relationship, he is warm and attentive and they have a good sexual relationship and he tells her he loves her body. But this feels so off to me and utterly disrespectful. When it comes to humour I really feel that he uses angle to get a laugh but he’s really crossed a line this time. Am I being over sensitive on behalf of my dsis?

This sounds a bit like the "it was only a joke" get out of jail free card some men people use when they are behaving like a cunt.

It's not ok and you aren't being over sensitive.

My thoughts exactly. Nasty vile thing to say. My dsis deserves so much better.

She's 15 years younger so he's making sure that she doesn't think too highly of herself so she doesn't leave him. What an arse! I'd tell him that it's a good thing your sister isn't into good looking men her age or something like that.

I think he needs a taste of his own medicine!
When you are all together next, start up a convo about sausages, you get the picture .

Ah banter - basically an excuse to behave like a dick and when people get offended you can blame them for not having a sense of humour.

He sounds awful

Commenting on your dw breasts to another man, or anyone for that matter, and essentially implying they are not good ones, is not banter. Its plain horrible.
I can understand why she was upset by that. If it upsets someone, its not banter. Its an insult.

The amount of times i've had or heard men say 'oh you can't take a joke, lighten up' over things that were downright mean is alot. I hope your dsis is ok.

I think i'd be telling him the first words out of his mouth shouldn't have been its a joke, but more like, god i'm so sorry, that was horrible of me, i'm a childish prick, are you ok.

It's not 'just bant's' if someone who you profess to care about, is clearly upset, humiliated and hurt by a comment.

She doesn't need to stop being 'so sensitive', he needs to stop being such a cruel immature arsehole.

I’m not going to defend him or his words, it’s a thing men seem to do when they get in each other’s company and they just won’t bloody listen to sense. They genuinely don’t care who they hurt with their banter but I do believe more often than not they genuinely think it is just a joke, I don’t think they’re always saying that as an excuse. The problem is that other men don’t pull them up on their bullshit. They just sit silently because they don’t want to be seen as killjoys or wimps. It’s pathetic behaviour and while I try my best to ensure my kids don’t grow up accepting talk like that or even joining in it’s so hard when it’s all around them.

My dad and brothers use this excuse when judging others or passing comment on something distasteful or the ‘well it’s true” when discussing me (the only female) being fat (my two morbidly obese brothers weight is never discussed). They span 4 generations in terms of age (boomer genx millennial and gen z) and each one of them plays along with this game so nothing seems to be changing.

Think of some "funny" bantz about him every time you see him.
Then laugh about him not being able to take a joke.

I reckon he has a lot to laugh at.

I don't think it's solely a male issue. I'm about to have a conversation with one of my daughters about her 'banter' with members of the family, and how she reacts when she's clearly upset someone with her sharp tongue and her attitude.

@alpenguin

I’m not going to defend him or his words, it’s a thing men seem to do when they get in each other’s company and they just won’t bloody listen to sense. They genuinely don’t care who they hurt with their banter but I do believe more often than not they genuinely think it is just a joke, I don’t think they’re always saying that as an excuse. The problem is that other men don’t pull them up on their bullshit. They just sit silently because they don’t want to be seen as killjoys or wimps. It’s pathetic behaviour and while I try my best to ensure my kids don’t grow up accepting talk like that or even joining in it’s so hard when it’s all around them.

My dad and brothers use this excuse when judging others or passing comment on something distasteful or the ‘well it’s true” when discussing me (the only female) being fat (my two morbidly obese brothers weight is never discussed). They span 4 generations in terms of age (boomer genx millennial and gen z) and each one of them plays along with this game so nothing seems to be changing.

That whole “just banter” bollocks would vanish pretty bloody rapidly if you cast aspersions on the size of his penis though, wouldn’t it?

mbosnz I agree however it pisses me off when men think they have sole agency over a women’s body and it gives them the right to criticise and demean under the guise of banter and then get annoyed when you don’t see the funny side.

@Longtalljosie in a relationship it probably would be the perfect response (if you were happy to risk it ending ) but that is the kind of response I’d give if it was my partner.

I’m Not sure of the appropriateness of discussing my father or brothers penis size though 🤢 (not envy)

No it isn't funny and I bet your DH didn't feel comfortable with it either tbh

It could have been funny if it was a shared joke, which it wasn’t. So he instead make your sister cry and then accused her of being too sensitive with his following comment. So the total of that calculation is that he is a nasty twat.

I think anyone suggesting making nasty jokes back at him about the size of his penis or whatever, is totally missing the point of this. Bantering back only being even more nasty? Where the hell is that going to end up?

Some derogatory remark about a micro penis /premature ejaculation etc should get him to stfu.

I’ve always been a bit wary of relationships where banter i.e insulting each other is a ‘thing’ and both parties are ok with it. I think at the most basic level it shows disrespect and an uncaring attitude. Personally if someone felt it was ok to insult parts of my anatomy to get a laugh that would be a deal breaker for me no matter how good the rest of the relationship was.

@Amethyst1974

I’ve always been a bit wary of relationships where banter i.e insulting each other is a ‘thing’ and both parties are ok with it. I think at the most basic level it shows disrespect and an uncaring attitude. Personally if someone felt it was ok to insult parts of my anatomy to get a laugh that would be a deal breaker for me no matter how good the rest of the relationship was.

Totally agree with you.

In a flat, half engineers (male) and other half arts students (women) (what the hell were we thinking, that was never going to end well), the males were making free, we found out, with the commentary on our boobs and their sizes.

That ended rather abruptly when we had a robust discussion that they walked in on, discussing possible penis sizes.

They were most upset. We just pointed out that we were only doing exactly the same as they had been doing. Being reasonably intelligent fellas, they got the point almost immediately - once it had been drummed in with a metaphorical dull and heavy instrument.

@AryaStarkWolf

No it isn't funny and I bet your DH didn't feel comfortable with it either tbh

Good point, what was your DH’s reaction OP? Did he laugh? Agree it was banter? Or was he uncomfortable and agree it was inappropriate?

I can't bear 'banter' it is a refuge for rudeness.

Oh your poor sister
I wish more woman would say the fuckity fuck off to mens comments like that. And from her partner as well? What a prize dickhead.

littlera yes his reaction was interesting (we are newly separated but still on good terms) he was really embarrassed and talking with him after he is now of the opinion that people who insult others for cheap laughs are of low intelligence. He actually thinks my dsis should leave her dh and find someone who loves every inch of her just as she is. I spoke to her earlier, she said it’s knocked her last shreds of confidence massively and when they were intimate the other night she kept her top on. I couldn’t bring myself to be intimate with someone who thought my breasts were a disappointment it’s the ultimate turn off.

If I were your sister, the thought of living with him would be so depressing. She's mid-30s and she has a life ahead of her. She has options - she doesn't need to stay with someone who insults her.