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Original poster

Do you have to initially fancy a potential partner

32 replies

Roxy75 · 09/03/2021 19:54

If you get on brilliantly, have a real good laugh, look forward to hearing from them... Can you grow to fancy them? Can attraction develop?
Help

OP posts:
Conkergame · 09/03/2021 19:56

Yes! I didn’t fancy DH at all for the first 3 years I knew him Blush and then we spent a really good day together once where we had a long, deep conversation and he suddenly changed in my eyes! Now he’s the sexiest man around! Grin

Original poster
Roxy75 · 09/03/2021 19:57

Thanks Conkergame. I guess I should not rush and just be friends and see where it leads.

OP posts:
chocolots · 09/03/2021 20:03

I think you need to have the chemistry. Best to see how it goes as friends.

I met someone many years ago. We got on great and I looked forward to hearing from him. The chemistry just wasn't there. I thought that was a shame but that's how it goes.

ComtesseDeSpair · 09/03/2021 20:11

I think you have to at least find them attractive and know that they’re the type of person you could have chemistry with. That doesn’t mean you need to want to jump into bed from the off, but there has to be something more than just enjoying their company.

Are you dating? If so, there’s going to be an expectation sooner or later of e.g. kissing and sex, by which point you’ll need to know whether or not you want that to happen. They may not be interested in being friends and seeing where it leads, if they’re actively looking for a relationship.

crystalcherry87 · 09/03/2021 20:15

I think you need to have a bit of an attraction and a bit of a spark to begin. I always take a while to really fancy someone. When I met my husband I found him good looking and I liked him, enjoyed his company and the sex was amazing. Over the next couple of weeks I grew to really fancy him and now 5 years later I fancy him more than ever. I think you know if the potential is there to fancy someone or if you just plain don't find them attractive. When I've not found a man attractive at all, I've known I never will and I've not bothered taking it further because I need to have that.

VienneseWhirligig · 09/03/2021 20:19

When I first met DH I remember saying to my friend "I will not be shagging him, he's just a nice man to talk to". Three days later we were inseparable. I just fell for him all of a sudden even though I hadn't initially fancied him when he asked me out.

Thelnebriati · 09/03/2021 20:27

No; but I've never changed my mind later if I've started off with the ick.

TheFlis12345 · 09/03/2021 20:29

I have to know someone well to properly fancy them. Most of my relationships have been with friends I didn’t fancy for ages (one I had known nearly 15 years!) but one day something just changed.

DisgruntledPelican · 09/03/2021 20:33

If there isn’t any spark of attraction at all then it might be unusual, but feelings can definitely develop over time spent with someone. Falling head over heels with someone at first meeting is risky and irrational and can often burn out quickly. A slow burn just hits you one day and it’s wonderful when you realise Grin

LookAtWhatYouCouldHaveWon · 09/03/2021 20:33

Not for me, to be honest. I find I'm attracted to personality first. Looks are essentially unimportant to me.

Loopyloututu2 · 09/03/2021 20:37

I would say yes but obviously other pp’s seem to disagree. The bf’s I’ve had where I didn’t fancy them much at first but we “got on well” never lasted.
When I met dh I fancied him straightaway and I still fancy him just as much 20 years later! I always feel like there’s no other man for me and I couldn’t imagine having sex with someone else- I don’t know if that’s rare though. I remember thinking in the early days of seeing dh “so this is what it’s like” - I realised I’d never really been in love before.

Palavah · 09/03/2021 20:42

No you don't. Some of the strongest attachments (and best sex) I've had have been to guys I didn't fancy when i first met them, but something grew.

But - There usually needs to be a spark of interest/appeal that makes you up for getting to know them better.
If you have a shared hobby/environment that means you get to know each other organically then maybe you get to know them anyway and before you know where you are... Boom, you look at them differently.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/03/2021 20:45

It's rare for me. Just once I think I had a 'switch' click in my head. From friend to something else.

DenisetheMenace · 09/03/2021 20:46

Personally, I think yes.
We both knew, instantly, 34 years ago. Still there.

MiddleAgedLurker · 09/03/2021 20:48

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the OP's request.

sunnyzweibrucken · 09/03/2021 20:51

I'm with @Loopyloututu2, the relationships where i didn't fancy them at first ended badly. So I have to have some kind of initial attraction to them to take things further.

ChaBishkoot · 09/03/2021 20:59

Mine is the other way around. I really liked DH when we first met. He clearly saw me as a friend but there was no instant attraction. I had a huge crush on him (I was 20 and so was he...). Anyway we became friends, hung out a lot, spent all our time in the Uni library together, and things gradually developed from there. We didn't 'date' in the usual sense- we just spent a lot of time together and we enjoyed each other's company. He knew I liked him because he's not daft and he didn't play any games. He made it clear he enjoyed my company and when he felt he was ready to, he asked me out properly. He's been a devoted and loving partner for over 20 years and if I may say so, clearly adores me. And we've had a chat about this and he says that no it wasn't instant for him and it took some time, but that's who he is as a person.

I have had the reverse happen too. I knew someone whom I was attracted to, again we became friends, spent some time, and actually by the end I had the 'ick'. It wasn't anything he did or said, but I just stopped seeing him in the same light.

GreatDashingBicycle · 10/03/2021 02:38

Not at all. Years ago I had a friend who I in no way fancied; then got to know him and he was soon the sexiest man alive!

Cas112 · 10/03/2021 15:40

I dont think so! I repeatedly ended up going home with someone from the pub most weekends and would end up really confused as to why it kept happening as I did not fancy him and did not want to pursue anything in any way. As time went on we got to know each other more, he makes me laugh more than I've ever experienced with any one, I enjoy conversation with him and now I fancy the absolute pants off him. Things have developed and now we cant imagine not being in each others lives. he's not the usual type I was ever attracted to but I now can not keep my eyes or hands off him.

crazylikechocolate · 10/03/2021 15:56

No , it's easy to find someone attractive even those you don't know like pop stars , tv personalities or the sexy hunk who's wearing a fireman's uniform and knocking on your door to check your smoke detector but friendship is something else entirely and you need to know that person for friendships to exist , for me friendship the most important part of a relationship.

Wanderlust20 · 10/03/2021 17:21

Yes! Sexual attraction can grow but as others have said, some form of attraction needs to be there first (like attracted to the person's humour, personality, etc).

nicewheels · 10/03/2021 22:31

I have to have attraction to someone before I can have sex with them, but not necessarily to date them as I think attraction does and can grow.

I wasn't sexually attracted to a guy I recently dated, but after a few times of meeting him, which included some really nice kissing, I fancied the pants off him.

Similar period of time I dated a guy I really really clicked with humour/conversation wise, we ended up in the bedroom, but didn't DTD because I just got the ick (that was an embarrassing night!) luckily we are still friends, so it couldn't have been that bad!

coronaway · 11/03/2021 12:15

If I don't get the flutters then it's a no from me. This may be why I'm single 😅

ItsNotLoveActually · 11/03/2021 13:09

I have to find them attractive otherwise it's a total non-starter for me.

Candyfloss99 · 11/03/2021 17:08

No someone you get along with great without sexual attraction is a friend not a partner.

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