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Original poster

Would you..?

47 replies

PandaEyes00 · 09/03/2021 14:49

Keep an Ex on social media who keeps messaging knowing that it made your partner feel a bit uncomfortable or would you delete them?

OP posts:
XDownwiththissortofthingX · 09/03/2021 14:50

Deleting your partner is a bit much, but I'd suggest they get some help for their jealousy/insecurity issues.

Spinachsarah · 09/03/2021 14:51

If it's something you are hiding then probably. If you are saying hey ex messaged me about that football the other day look then maybe not. What are they messaging about?

Original poster
PandaEyes00 · 09/03/2021 14:52

By them I meant the Ex not the other half.
I dont know whats been said I'm not told just that they are messaging

OP posts:
VanGoghsDog · 09/03/2021 14:53

I'd ask them to stop messaging.

It depends on so many things though - I have an ex I am friends with, he lives abroad has been in a relationship over ten years, it's nearly thirty years since he and I split up, I see him like a big brother, we speak about twice a year. If a bf was insisting I cut contact with him I'd think they had a screw loose. Even if he was suddenly messaging a lot.

But if it was someone I'd seen for less than a year and only broken up with recently and who was annoying and clingy and trying to get back with me - I'd take him off am, yes. But only because I would be finding it annoying.

category12 · 09/03/2021 14:56

What sort of message is the ex sending? How long ago was the split?

It really depends, doesn't it? If the ex and person have maintained and built a friendship over time, both moved on and there's never been any hint of trying to reignite the relationship, then that's one thing. If it's a recent ex testing the water or begging to be taken back, that's another. And variations in between.

Eckhart · 09/03/2021 15:02

If a person is genuinely friends with their ex, then their partner shouldn't be vetting it.

If the person is something else with their ex, or the partner unjustifiably doesn't trust them, there are other issues than social media within the relationship, which will need to be dealt with.

ComtesseDeSpair · 09/03/2021 15:17

It depends. I wouldn’t cut contact with a friend, even if that friend also happened to be an ex, because a partner was jealous or insecure.

If by “keep messaging” you mean that the contact is unwanted, inappropriate or outwith the level of communication usual in a normal friendship, then that would be the reason for cutting contact, not my partner’s opinion.

MaMaD1990 · 09/03/2021 15:21

I would delete them, assuming there's no kids or need for conversation. An ex is an ex for a reason and respect needs to be for the current partner. I wouldn't be happy if my partner was messaging his ex.

frozendaisy · 09/03/2021 15:24

If you were friends with the ex before new partner came along and there was no romantic feelings I would message back once a week maybe.

Swordfish1 · 09/03/2021 15:35

I wouldn’t cut contact with a friend, even if that friend also happened to be an ex, because a partner was jealous or insecure.

I would cut contact. Because my partner's feelings would be more important to me than an EX partner's.

ShadierThanaPalmTree · 09/03/2021 16:00

I was in this situation last year actually. I deleted the ex. Partner is never possessive or jealous. But I knew that my ex messaging was making him feel a little insecure. He didn't ask me to delete but I chose to, his feelings are my priority and I wouldn't like it the other way around (unless they had a kid together or something). There's just no need for it.

Eckhart · 09/03/2021 16:13

@Swordfish1

I wouldn’t cut contact with a friend, even if that friend also happened to be an ex, because a partner was jealous or insecure.

I would cut contact. Because my partner's feelings would be more important to me than an EX partner's.

Would you not hope that your partner would also place important on your own feelings in reciprocation, though? So that it you had a friend, you wouldn't have to give up that friend, even if they happened to be an ex?

Really if there's any need to cut contact, it's based in a lack of faith in the current relationship, somewhere along the line. It's not disrespectful to your partner to be friends with your ex. You just have to be confident in the current relationship.

Eckhart · 09/03/2021 16:15

@MaMaD1990

I would delete them, assuming there's no kids or need for conversation. An ex is an ex for a reason and respect needs to be for the current partner. I wouldn't be happy if my partner was messaging his ex.
Why wouldn't you be happy? What feeling would you get from it, if your partner told you it was purely platonic? Would you not trust your partner?
AryaStarkWolf · 09/03/2021 16:15

If my ex kept messaging me and it made my DH uncomfortable I would delete them in a heart beat. I wouldn't like it if the situation was reversed

Freyaismyname · 09/03/2021 16:16

@MaMaD1990

I would delete them, assuming there's no kids or need for conversation. An ex is an ex for a reason and respect needs to be for the current partner. I wouldn't be happy if my partner was messaging his ex.
This
MaMaD1990 · 09/03/2021 16:17

Because its perfectly normal not to want your current partner messaging their ex...I trust my partner 100% but I still wouldn't want him messaging ex girlfriends because I find it disrespectful. Perhaps I'm not a 'modern woman', and that's fine by me.

PussGirl · 09/03/2021 16:21

I exchange the odd message with an ex from years back - hadn't seen him for nearly 30 years then we bumped into each other in our original home town & became FB friends about 3 years ago.

Current DP is aware & fine about it - not sure he'd be as happy if he were a recent ex.

I'd probably not keep in contact with a recent ex myself - life moves on after all.

Lovelydiscusfish · 09/03/2021 16:22

I’m friends with a couple of exes. We message. My boyfriend knows and doesn’t appear to care.

He isn’t friends with an my of his but some of my previous partners have had exes as friends. Didn’t usually bother me. In one case it did when my then partner did things like send his ex love poems. But I was insecure in that relationship any way, as he kept breaking up with me.

Context is everything I think. The nature of the messages is key. And also how much you trust your partner - how loved and secure they make you feel in other ways.

Have you particular reasons to feel bothered by this, or is it a point of principle for you?

Eckhart · 09/03/2021 16:22

@MaMaD1990

Because its perfectly normal not to want your current partner messaging their ex...I trust my partner 100% but I still wouldn't want him messaging ex girlfriends because I find it disrespectful. Perhaps I'm not a 'modern woman', and that's fine by me.
But what's disrespectful about it though? I don't get it. Loads of things are normal, like drinking 6 pints of beer on Friday nights - it doesn't mean it's the right thing to do, or healthy.

I just wondered what the actual feeling is behind it. There must be a reason not to like it. I can't think of it being anything other than insecurity.

I think it's disrespectful to expect your partner to tailor their social contacts for you. Surely as long as you trust that they're not betraying you, they can say what they like to who they like?

Tal45 · 09/03/2021 16:24

Yeah I'd delete the ex, especially if you've already asked him not to keep messaging and he's not respecting your boundaries.

Lovelydiscusfish · 09/03/2021 16:24

@MaMaD1990

Because its perfectly normal not to want your current partner messaging their ex...I trust my partner 100% but I still wouldn't want him messaging ex girlfriends because I find it disrespectful. Perhaps I'm not a 'modern woman', and that's fine by me.
I’m not sure the degree of modernity is relevant here. It’s just different strokes for different folks, isn’t it? There is no right or wrong to this question - you just need to find a partner who views the issue the same as you do.
Eckhart · 09/03/2021 16:25

@Lovelydiscusfish

The nature of the messages is key. And also how much you trust your partner - how loved and secure they make you feel in other ways

Yes, I think this is key. If you feel insecure, you will be vehemently against this sort of contact. If you'd trust your partner with your life, then you know they won't hurt you, so any kind of contact is fine.

MaMaD1990 · 09/03/2021 16:29

Very true and I take your points. For me I just feel like an ex should be left in the past so you can concentrate on your current relationship. Possibly insecurity, which is understandable. In this day and age it does also feel like people flit between exes and other relationships quite fluidly (I know many many people who have done this unfortunately) which is where the modern woman statement comes from. I see people saying that as a modern woman you should be accepting of behaviours like this that make you uncomfortable otherwise you'd be branded unreasonable or controlling. It's an interesting one, but my view is still the same.

Eckhart · 09/03/2021 16:33

I see people saying that as a modern woman you should be accepting of behaviours like this that make you uncomfortable otherwise you'd be branded unreasonable or controlling

Wow, that's awful. As a modern anybody, you should be accepting what you want and nothing short, regardless of what it actually is.

There's a lid for every pan, as my old Nan used to say!

JorisBonson · 09/03/2021 16:33

I'm friends with a few ex's. Just because we didn't work as a couple doesn't mean we can't work as friends.

DH is also friends with them as we're all in the same circle. He is not bothered in the slightest.

Just because I still speak to them doesn't mean I still love them or will shag them at the earliest opportunity.

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