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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you..?

47 replies

PandaEyes00 · 09/03/2021 14:49

Keep an Ex on social media who keeps messaging knowing that it made your partner feel a bit uncomfortable or would you delete them?

OP posts:
samyeagar · 09/03/2021 16:42

Of course not everyone has an affair, but very often those that do never thought in a million years that they would.

Exes are far and away the most likely affair partner, exes are the biggest threat to the current relationship.

There is already a level of comfort, and it doesn't take a whole lot for things to slide down the slippery slope and in over your head, and not even knowing how you got there.

For me, when it comes to my relationship with my wife, I am extremely risk averse, and no ex is even remotely worth the slimmest of risk.

Eckhart · 09/03/2021 16:48

@samyeagar

So you wouldn't risk your wife talking to any ex? That means you don't trust her then, doesn't it? You don't feel safe that she will hold up the commitment to your relationship? Too risky that she'll make a 'mistake'?

I really can't see it any other way. What other risk is there?

ComtesseDeSpair · 09/03/2021 16:50

Exes are far and away the most likely affair partner, exes are the biggest threat to the current relationship.

Are there any stats for this? I can’t find any.

I think the problem with calling it an issue of respect to a partner’s possible insecurity is the slippery slope aspect. What happens when your partner decides he feels a bit insecure about your male friends who’ve never been exes, because there’s a possibility you might start fancying each other - do you stop talking to them out of respect for your partner’s feelings? What if he then decides he doesn’t like one of your female friends, or your sister, because they said something he didn’t like or he thinks they don’t like him? Do you distance yourself from them out of loyalty to him? If what the poster above says is true, surely we owe our partner a duty to remove any risk that we might ever be tempted by from our lives. And ultimately, this is how many women end up socially isolated, because they feel they owe respect or loyalty to their partner’s feelings above their own.

I make no apologies: the most important person in my life is me, and the most important feelings are my own. I decide whether I want to be friends with somebody or not, based on their behaviour and actions, not the view of somebody else - even if that somebody else calls themselves my partner.

merryhouse · 09/03/2021 16:58

Surely the fact that they're an ex means that they've already decided they aren't suited to a relationship?

Or am I too much an old-fashioned woman who doesn't dump someone just because the Exciting New Romance has faded a bit?

If your partner is the sort of person who dumps as soon as the excitement has gone, then you've got bigger problems than an ex on facebook.

AnImposter · 09/03/2021 17:04

Depends if they'd be happy to introduce you to said ex as they would any other friend. If they treated it the same as Dave down the pub or bloke from work it'd be fine, but any level of secrecy or keeping your relationship and theirs very separate and I'd see cause for concern x

Swordfish1 · 09/03/2021 17:18

It's not about trust though, its about respect.

If I was doing something that my dp found uncomfortable or disrespectful to them, then yes I would stop doing it. (unless it was a very completely unreasonable thing they were asking me to stop doing)As they would be my priority, not an ex lover.

I also wouldn't want to be with someone who was messaging their ex's on a frequent basis. I would just find it disrespectful to our relationship and to me.

samyeagar · 09/03/2021 17:27

[quote Eckhart]@samyeagar

So you wouldn't risk your wife talking to any ex? That means you don't trust her then, doesn't it? You don't feel safe that she will hold up the commitment to your relationship? Too risky that she'll make a 'mistake'?

I really can't see it any other way. What other risk is there?[/quote]
I do trust my wife. I also know that she is human.

I have also seen story after story of people ending up in very bad situations that all started with say a minor complaint or gripe, or other confidence, that on the surface was completely innocent, and then snowballs.

I would never tell my wife who she could or couldn't be friends with, but I also am not going to remove my own boundaries.

I know my wife is not necessarily typical with her past with her ex husband. They were together for 17 years, on again, off again, even got divorced and remarried. He is a druggie, in and out of prison, and was physically, emotionally, financially, sexually abusive, serial cheater, and he was the one that left her the final time. They had been divorced for four years when I met her, but she had continued to have sex with him right up until we started dating. That last bit, I didn't find out until we were actually engaged. So no, I was not going to stay in the relationship if he remained in the picture.

My wife does have a couple of exes that she still has on social media, with an occasional like or comment, and maybe that is where my disconnect is with what some are suggesting here...I see that as more acquaintances. When I think of "being friends" with someone, I think of things like daily or weekly communication, confiding personal things, going out and doing things together , and I can't honestly see a compelling reason why an ex would need to fill that friendship role.

Opentooffers · 09/03/2021 17:36

How can you not know what the messages said, and why are you just 'told' there are messages? Surely the messages are to you? Or are you saying that your current man has control over your phone?Hmm

AnImposter · 09/03/2021 17:42

@Opentooffers

How can you not know what the messages said, and why are you just 'told' there are messages? Surely the messages are to you? Or are you saying that your current man has control over your phone?Hmm
Pretty sure it's partners ex messaging partner and it's OP who's uncomfortable with it x
Eckhart · 09/03/2021 17:46

I do trust my wife. I also know that she is human

Nope. Still don't get it. I assume that everybody's partner is human and has human failings. Some people trust that their partner won't have the human failing of betraying them. Some don't.

Porridgeoat · 09/03/2021 17:53

Depends. Are they friends still? What is about their interactions that upset you?

samyeagar · 09/03/2021 18:08

@Eckhart

I do trust my wife. I also know that she is human

Nope. Still don't get it. I assume that everybody's partner is human and has human failings. Some people trust that their partner won't have the human failing of betraying them. Some don't.

This gets back to risk aversion more than being about trust. Most people do trust their partners, hell most people trust themselves. Read through the infidelity threads here and the common themes or never thinking it would happen to them, or never thought they'd be the one to do it. There never was a clear cut breach of trust, so much as a slow erosion of boundaries and innocent behaviors and interactions that in totality led to disaster.

I do trust my wife in that she will not put herself in a position to make poor decisions, even unknowingly poor decisions, where marital boundaries could be strained.

samyeagar · 09/03/2021 18:14

To add to above...

Exes already have eased boundaries by virtue of being an ex. Moreso than someone who has either just been a friend, or is largely a stranger.

Eckhart · 09/03/2021 18:15

@samyeagar

Everything you say indicates that you trust your wife as much as a person can, but when it comes to it, soooooo many people have affairs, so you don't trust her 100%

If you did trust her 100%, the phrase 'risk aversion' wouldn't come into it.

Anyway, sorry. I was just trying to understand a different mindset to mine, but I can't in this instance. What you think is trust contains, for me, distrust. Each to their own. Thank you for explaining, though.

Angrymum22 · 09/03/2021 18:25

I trusted my DH when he asked if I was ok with him friending an ex from 30 yrs ago. But it became clear that it was becoming more than a a general catch up. It seriously damaged the trust I had. So no I would not be happy in future.

samyeagar · 09/03/2021 18:30

@Angrymum22

I trusted my DH when he asked if I was ok with him friending an ex from 30 yrs ago. But it became clear that it was becoming more than a a general catch up. It seriously damaged the trust I had. So no I would not be happy in future.
I would imagine that there was no malice intended, and that all intentions were that it started out to be a general catchup, and it just snowballed. At least that's how it usually goes.
samyeagar · 09/03/2021 18:33

[quote Eckhart]@samyeagar

Everything you say indicates that you trust your wife as much as a person can, but when it comes to it, soooooo many people have affairs, so you don't trust her 100%

If you did trust her 100%, the phrase 'risk aversion' wouldn't come into it.

Anyway, sorry. I was just trying to understand a different mindset to mine, but I can't in this instance. What you think is trust contains, for me, distrust. Each to their own. Thank you for explaining, though.[/quote]
Framed like this, then I guess I would agree with you in that I do trust my wife, but not 100%. That said, in the same context, I wouldn't trust anyone, or anything 100%, even myself, as that would require flawless decision making in all circumstances and situations, without any benefit of hindsight. And that is pretty much an impossibility.

category12 · 09/03/2021 18:41

If I was doing something that my dp found uncomfortable or disrespectful to them, then yes I would stop doing it. (unless it was a very completely unreasonable thing they were asking me to stop doing)As they would be my priority, not an ex lover.

Eh, I'm not sure about that, because what someone is uncomfortable with, isn't always necessarily something to pander to, partner or not. Sometimes they're better served by sitting with their less comfortable emotions and dealing with them rather than the other person changing their behaviour. It really depends on the context and the shape of the relationship generally. Sometimes it's the start of controlling behaviours.

seensome · 09/03/2021 18:50

Yes I would delete them if I cared more for my current partner, if there's kids with the ex then it's different

Eckhart · 09/03/2021 19:08

@samyeagar

To add to above...

Exes already have eased boundaries by virtue of being an ex. Moreso than someone who has either just been a friend, or is largely a stranger.

Well, by equal measure, you could say that stronger lines have been drawn between exes, to make them exes. 'No' has been said to an ex, with regard to intimacy. 'No' has not been said to someone who has only so far been a friend, with regard to intimacy.

I think feelings of intimacy can accidentally start anywhere. For all the thousands of people having affairs with their exes, there will be tens of thousands starting affairs with non-exes. If a person needs to keep an eye on their partner re friendships with exes, then they need to keep an eye on them with everyone. Keeping an eye isn't good in any circumstance. Or vetting friendships (sorry, I forgot specifically what we were talking about for a minute!)

TheSunshines · 09/03/2021 19:25

So the saying goes 'if you're still friends with a ex you were never in love in the first place or you still are'

Eckhart · 09/03/2021 20:20

@TheSunshines

So the saying goes 'if you're still friends with a ex you were never in love in the first place or you still are'
But how do you tell the difference, when you come along afterwards?
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