DC dislike the idea of me having a boyfriend

[anonymousmouse123]

Am a single mum to two DC; 12 and 8. Am amicably divorced from their dad and they see him EOW. It's been almost 4 years since we split. DC and I are incredibly close. Just the three of us in our new house and I've always tried to make this an exciting fact given the upset of moving out of the marital home; that we have our special new place to make our own.

I've been seeing a new man for around 6 months. My question is around my DC's reactions to this.

I'd intended to keep my dating life separate and private. Something for me. The only reason they know new man exists is because my eldest child saw a text from him on my phone.

They've said outright that they want me to be happy but that they don't like me having a boyfriend. Don't like that he's been in the house when they're not there; don't like the thought that he sleeps in my bed, don't like the fact that he sits on our sofa. We have had several heart to hearts about it and the concerns are that they don't want a new father figure, nor anything which might come between us. Obviously I've reassurred them they come first and are my priority.

It's early days with this guy but if I want it to get more serious in the future, I don't know how to handle it. I put the DC first in everything else and part of me says I should be single until they've flown the nest. I worry they'll grow up angry and resentful. The other part knows that I'd love a special someone one day (whether it's this new man or not). It isn't that I can't be alone; I love time by myself, am so fulfilled with my career, hobbies and voluntary work, and have really worked on myself these last few years so I know who I am, and my worth. But I also know I'd love a life partner.

If I'm really honest, I also feel strangled at times as they are so possessive of me which they're entitled to be. My eldest checks up on me a lot; always wants to know where I've been and who I've been with (even before I started dating).

Can anyone offer any advice please? Have you been in a similar situation?

That's a tough one OP, you've been very understanding to their needs but you can't be totally dictated to either when it comes to your love life, that's very unfair on you and tbh them being that possessive over you is just a bit too much. I would probably try to keep it separate from them for the foreseeable future but I think you also need to teel them that you will be continuing to see this man in your own time. I'm sure when they get a bit older they will start to become more independent and invested in their lives with their friends etc and will probably understand a bit more that you need your own happiness outside of being a mother too

I can understand your DC not wanting anyone to come between you especially after you've split from their DF. However, you are the adult here and your DC don't have the right to tell you what to do and you could be setting yourself up for problems in the future_ if you wanted to move would you let them veto it? If you wanted a night out with your friends would they get a say? You can be a good DM and give them a loving, happy home but you need to be in charge

Do you think if they met him it would help?

My dc felt similar at that age. I've kept to their wishes of not moving anyone in but that's all that they get to dictate. I don't tell them who they can be friends with or ban them from inviting people round and this is the same situation. You're not asking them to hang out with your bf but it's up to you as owner of the house to decide if he comes round especially if they aren't there. If you told them not to play with their best friend at playtime or lunch would they comply? Same thing,

I understand that they might be scared of PDA, step kids and further kids. My kids were very worried that they'd have step siblings moving in etc which is understandable to me

If I'm really honest, I also feel strangled at times as they are so possessive of me which they're entitled to be. My eldest checks up on me a lot; always wants to know where I've been and who I've been with (even before I started dating).

You desperately need to create some boundaries here. Yes, you are their mum and they come first, but you are also an adult woman who is more than entitled to a private life beyond them, and they need to know this. You are the parent, not them, and they are not entitled to know every single thing you are doing or why.

I grew up very resentful of my step parent but I still think this is completely unacceptable

Your children should not dictate that they don't want you with another partner. Not liking one particular person is fair enough but this? I don't think so

That was me. I got caught like that too after 6 months ... In the end my daughter actually wanted to meet him as we talked about it and I explained that I found it odd that there was a part of my life they knew nothing about. That this “bloke” did come over to the house when they weren’t there and they had no idea who he was! I explained he would never be their dad and to treat him like a friend’s dad. She agreed but said she just wanted to see his face and then for him to leave 😄. So that’s what happened. He popped over literally for 10 mins. She then said he seemed really nice and it went from there. Didn’t meet him again for many months and probably in first year and half only saw him a few times for short periods. But once they’d got used to him and saw how happy I was they were fine with it and he now stays over sometimes even when kids are there. But it helps massively that my ex has a gf too and is happy. Slowly slowly is the key. And communication obviously. Good luck. It sounds like you have their best interests at heart.

Hmmm tricky. I don’t think they have a right to be checking up on you, or dictating what you do when they are not there. Is it possibly anxiety driven?

I would be pretty open with the 12 yo and explain that you are an adult and in the same way they have a life outside of the family, you deserve one too. You can reassure them that they are your priority but you can also explain that you being happy helps you be a better mum.
What’s their relationship like with their dad, does he have a new partner? Could you and he support them to relax about their gears around change together?

My 10 year old didn’t want me dating post divorce but she doesn’t get to have that decision. We sat down and I confirmed that if I had to fish her or the boyfriend out of the burning building there’d be no contest and I’d pick her. However the time when she is not here is mine to do with as I like. If that means dating then so be it. I also confirmed that I really wasn’t fancying living with anyone again (but reserve the right to change my mind in some years) and that I 100% will not be having more kids. His kids are grown up so no risk of blending families. I said all that knowing it was true, not just blowing smile up her....

It’s been 21months since I met the boyf and maybe 14/15 since DD and I had our little chat. She has met him and now rather likes him. He never stays over when she’s here but he occasionally comes for dinner. He is coming on summer holiday with us (we are taking our caravan and he is taking his campervan to the same campsite). She is happy about this (apparently he can hold the dog whilst she and I go swimming 😂).

I’d say stick to your guns. Enjoy your time when they are away. Don’t expect them to welcome him into the bosom of the family but expect them to treat him, and more importantly YOU, with respect. You are an adult and entitled to spend your child free time as you wish!

It’s not all about them. You have the right to your own life. How long would they like that to continue? Until the youngest is 18, they leave home? That’s not reasonable

I think you do need to push back on their possessiveness and have boundaries with them. They don't own you and you're entitled to a private life, and you shouldn't tolerate being treated you're the child.

That said, I'm choosing a live apart relationship certainly while the dc are still living at home, (and potentially forever cos concerned about the disadvantages of living with someone ).

I think you should take if slowly and not push them - there's a lot of fun to be had dating and not rushing into domesticity - and see how it goes.

@category12

I think you do need to push back on their possessiveness and have boundaries with them. They don't own you and you're entitled to a private life, and you shouldn't tolerate being treated you're the child.

That said, I'm choosing a live apart relationship certainly while the dc are still living at home, (and potentially forever cos concerned about the disadvantages of living with someone ).

I think you should take if slowly and not push them - there's a lot of fun to be had dating and not rushing into domesticity - and see how it goes.

Yes, I agree with this.

I was planning on introducing my dc (who were 12 and 13 at the time) to my bf at the 6 month mark (had already talked about him so they knew he existed) but then my eldest said he's like to meet him a little sooner, so we did. It was just a 'date' in a city between us both, where we played indoor crazy golf, had some lunch and then went our separate ways. They liked him and gradually he came over a few more times when they were here.

He ended up moving in during the first lockdown due to circumstances and distance between us and it was all fine but it was only temporary and he moved into his own place after it ended.

We are now (after 19 months) talking about him moving to my town (he is currently an hour away) so that we can see each other more but I don't want us to live together in the immediate future as I like it just the 3 of us and having my adult time when they are with their dad. Best of both worlds!

So I guess they need reassurance that you being in a relationship doesn't impact your love for or time with them. That you are not going to move him in and if you ever do, the conversation will involve them.

They are old enough to understand that while you love them very much and they will always come first, you would like some adult company and love in your life too.

My little sister said this to my mum when she was ten. My mum took it on board and didn’t date.

My sister is now 26 and my mum has been alone the whole time. She won’t even consider seeing anyone and seems to have frightened herself out of the whole concept. It’s such a shame.

Stick to your guns OP, and don’t let your kids dictate your life.

I would explain that you are allowed a life but I would prove that it doesn't change anything by not expecting them to meet any friend if they don't want to.
Time is your friend.

I think you might need a chat about post divorce life. There's an awful lot of kids programmes and film that feature divorce. Quite often the parent remarries someone who is mean to the kids when the parent isn't watching and the parent doesn't realise for a long time because they are in love etc

Wow this sounds tricky.

They’ve had a lot of upheaval in the last few years and with only seeing Dad every couple of weekends then you’ve become the one solid figure in their lives and I imagine that they place all of their dependency on keeping the situation the same - a little team, you and them.

I wouldn’t mention the boyfriend for another few months until they are settled back at school and things are a little more normal and then start dropping into conversation his name - they may have a different reaction when things are more stable. From there I would suggest going out somewhere they really enjoy for tea with him, a light and easy bite to eat and then straight home. I imagine they find the idea of him easier when not in their space.

How have they reacted to their dad having a new partner/dating if he has?

Yeah, what PP have said. Definitely take it slow if you ever do introduce them, and lots of reassurance etc, but you absolutely can't let your children tell you that you can't date! Ditto telling your DC where you've been all the time - you need boundaries where they understand that you are the adult. You get to know everything about where they've been (at this age) but not the other way around - you are rearing and teaching them, not them teaching you!

If you ditch this guy because they say so, and you wait ten years for DC2 to be 18 before you date anyone, you might not meet anyone at all. Hopefully you would but there are no guarantees. Would your DC not feel guilty once they were old enough to understand that you'd allowed them to bully you into being alone your whole life? Sorry if that sounds harsh, but that is how I'd see it as an adult if my parent had let me dictate to them.

Divorce is of course traumatic, but yours sounds amicable. How many marriages split up now, nearly half? All those parents aren't still single, and half the children in the country aren't damaged long term by their parents dating again. So obviously if handled right, it's perfectly doable and normal. You sound careful and caring so am sure you'll handle it brilliantly. Good luck with it!

If I'm really honest, I also feel strangled at times as they are so possessive of me which they're entitled to be. My eldest checks up on me a lot; always wants to know where I've been and who I've been with (even before I started dating)

I find this weird to be honest, your child is treating you like they’re your parent, it’s not healthy. You need some boundaries, and to remember who the adult is here.

Think you need to reset some basic rules here. You are the adult. They don't get to dictate to you. Of course, you are quite rightly prioritising them but you are entitled to seek love and affection too. In a few short years, they are likely to establish boundaries and keep their lives separate with their own friends and then boyfriends and/or girlfriends. You should be able to do the same. Nip the controlling behaviour in the bud, especially the quite frankly disrespectful intrusion in your privacy. They have absolutely no right to snoop into your private messages and don’t get a say who sits on the sofa or sleeps in your bed when they aren’t around. They don’t pay the rent/mortgage or bought the furniture.

I find it really odd that you told them he'd slept in your bed! Why did you tell them that? It's none of their business.

What you do when they are with their Dad is absolutely nothing to do with them. You are perfectly entitled to date and they have to accept that.

That sounds tough OP .

I completely get why your children are worried (I'd hate the idea of a man i didn't pick potentially moving into my home even as an adult!). But you do need boundaries.

Talk to them about their fears and of course continue to put your children first (and to reassure them that they are your priority)but let them know that they can't dictate how you spend your free time... even if that means doing something they don't approve of.

Could they be fearful that future step-dad means not seeing their dad as often? Or the older one have heard about dads of separated parents who are continually unpleasant and vindictive (see several threads on MN as examples)?