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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What do I do?

35 replies

Silvercarpet · 08/03/2021 21:53

Iv posted recently on here about a family bereavement, my partners father passed away in January and since then everything has turned to shit. He struggling, really struggling. But we’ve been together ten years and have a family together. Since the death of his father he has been living with his mum to support her. And Iv been trying to take a step back to give him space but it’s so hard! We’ve never been apart. He told me he needed time and space and I did my best in giving him that. We don’t see that much of each other but when we do he can b a little distant but he’s here, he tells me he loves me and promises me that we will get through this and that he will b coming home soon. Then as soon as he walks out the door he won’t speak to me about anything, I’m in constant limbo and he’s giving me constant mixed signals. One minute he’s promising we will get through it then the next he’s telling me “I don’t know what I want in the future” and “let’s just c how it pans out”. Wtf?! If I bring it up what he’s said to me he tells me I’m too much and I’m pushing him away. But who else can I speak to? Who else can answer the questions I have when I ask him what he means when he says something to me? I love him so much - probably too much tbh. Even ten years on I still get butterflies when I see him. What do I do with this feeling of being in limbo all the time? Do I walk away? Do I stay? If I stay then how do u put my fears to the back of my head and stop expressing them to him?
I know it sounds selfish when he’s recently lost his father but this is still my life, my kids lives. I’m 100% supportive of anything and everything he does even when he’s drinking and sniffing coke and ignoring me and the kids most days, it’s doing him no good but if that’s how he needs to cope with his grief for now then who am I to tell him what to do. I just want to know where I stand, where my future stands

OP posts:
wizzywig · 08/03/2021 22:04

To me, your last paragraph is important. Leave. He is a drug addict, drinker, and ignores you and the kids most days. This was prior to the bereavement.

Kelly345 · 08/03/2021 22:10

As soon as i got to drinking and sniffing coke that was it for me. He needs to grow up. People die. It's sad. He's not married to his mother and doesn't have kids with her. He needs to grow the hell up and go home to his family.

Original poster
Silvercarpet · 08/03/2021 22:17

Easy to say, but how?! I love him! And away from the bullshit we have a good life together. I don’t feel strong enough to let him go. I want to do what’s best but I just don’t know how. I don’t want to be without him, I don’t want to lose him, I don’t want to have a broken family. But if it really is what’s best then how do I do it?!

OP posts:
Original poster
Silvercarpet · 08/03/2021 22:20

And yes he has a drink and coke problem but away from all of that he is a good man. Unfortunately it’s just his way of “coping

OP posts:
Kelly345 · 08/03/2021 22:26

@Silvercarpet

Easy to say, but how?! I love him! And away from the bullshit we have a good life together. I don’t feel strong enough to let him go. I want to do what’s best but I just don’t know how. I don’t want to be without him, I don’t want to lose him, I don’t want to have a broken family. But if it really is what’s best then how do I do it?!
If you were totally honest with yourself, do you not think what you've just described is already a broken family? Coke, booze, ignoring his responsibilities to his wife & kids? You love that?
Kelly345 · 08/03/2021 22:28

@Silvercarpet

And yes he has a drink and coke problem but away from all of that he is a good man. Unfortunately it’s just his way of “coping
Coping with what? Parenthood? Sheesh. Raise your standards for your kids if not fir yourself.
Justcallmebebes · 08/03/2021 22:33

Sorry but that's deluded. Noone with a drink and coke habit makes a good partner or parent. I'm sorry he lost his father but that's life and he needs to grow up, face up to his responsibilities or ship out. Sorry you're going through this

PutItInNeutral · 08/03/2021 22:39

@Silvercarpet

Easy to say, but how?! I love him! And away from the bullshit we have a good life together. I don’t feel strong enough to let him go. I want to do what’s best but I just don’t know how. I don’t want to be without him, I don’t want to lose him, I don’t want to have a broken family. But if it really is what’s best then how do I do it?!
I’m sorry to have to say this, but you’re family is already broken.

You can either keep on like this, letting him off the hook with parenting and providing and allowing a drug addict and drinker around the children. Or you can put your children first and lay down the law with him.

The butterflies and feelings you have for him personally are irrelevant; don’t let them hold you hostage and keep you putting up with crap from this man. Those feelings will pass eventually. This is just not a good environment to raise children.

Original poster
Silvercarpet · 08/03/2021 22:47

And I agree with u all that this isn’t good for the kids. But how the hell do I leave? I don’t have the strength to let him go. He’s not just a boyfriend Iv spent the last ten years by his side. Devoted my whole life to him. I don’t really have anyone else. All these things that just make it so much harder. I don’t know how to do anything without him and I know I’m pathetic for feeling so strongly about him but I can’t help it

OP posts:
autumnalrain · 08/03/2021 22:57

Do you own the house or is it rented? Can you afford to upkeep it alone? Get your life together , you have to leave. I can’t believe you allow your children to live around Coke I’m shocked. If you can’t do it for yourself do it for your kids? Don’t they deserve more??

Original poster
Silvercarpet · 08/03/2021 23:04

It’s rented. And I agree with what ur saying about the coke and the kids 100%. But away from that he is a good man, a good dad, a good partner. It’s knowing all the good sides to him that makes me stay, that and the love I have for him. The only way the kids r affected by his bad drink and drug habit is him not being around when he’s doing it. Because they always have me here to do whatever needs to b done.
The kids absolutely adore him too, how can I face them knowing that I’m taking their dad away from them?

OP posts:
Original poster
Silvercarpet · 08/03/2021 23:08

And it’s since the passing of his dad that the drink n coke has become such a huge problem. We’ve had problems in the past but never even close to what they’re like now. It’s the grief that’s consuming him and he’s burying his head in the sand with getting off his face instead of facing up to it all. It was extremely hard losing his dad, for all of us. Me included. We literally watched him as he died and that’s an image that u don’t forget. And it’s fucking with his head. I know people probably think I’m stupid for loving him but I don’t know any different

OP posts:
Livelovebehappy · 08/03/2021 23:28

OP, you’re asking what you should do. And the overwhelming response on here is to walk away. But you don’t/won’t do that, so if it’s advice on how to continue to live the with the situation, then all you can do is keep hanging on in there in the hope that he’ll get a grip, and return home to his family and responsibilities. He’s using the loss of his father to check out from you and he DCs, because I’ll bet he’s not doing this for his dm, but for himself. He likes the independence of leading the single life away from you, and isn't in a rush to come back. Don’t let yourself be treated like this Op.

LongTimeMammaBear · 08/03/2021 23:56

OP, you know this isn’t normal behaviour for someone grieving the loss of their parent.

Something now has to change, which I’m sure you know and thats why you’ve come in here.

You say you don’t know how to let him go - perhaps he’s just waiting for you to call it quits. Frankly, as it’s now almost mid March, perhaps nearly three months if thus, it’s time you told him he need to get back to normal now. Move back home. Be a father to his children. Be a partner to you

Give him an ultimatum, it’s you and your family or he’s out. Enough is enough. And that means no more drinking snd no more coke. Losing his father doesn’t give him a free pass to treat you and your children like this.

Look into how you can either stay where you are or move into something you can afford as well as what help you may qualify for. Focus on your future for yourself snd your children - away from him.

You have been more than understanding and more than supportive to allow this to go in for three months. Now it’s time to focus on you and your children. This is not being selfish. This is being realistic and doing what’s necessary to get on with life. Death is part of life. It doesn’t mean those left behind stop living. You need to live your life and ensure your children have stability to life their lives too, not this limbo where everything is out of your control and at his whim.

Nsky · 08/03/2021 23:58

He’s failing to cope as you are, habits won’t fix anything

NotAgainNoMore · 09/03/2021 00:01

I've lost a parent, 4 long years of suffering and then seeing them die. It's brutal. But you know, the thing I needed was my family and my DS. I never faltered in my care of my DS. I tried my best to support my DM. I talked to my exDH and my DP, who were both brilliant.
How on earth can you keep excusing his behaviour?
If that's love then you've set yourself a pretty low bar.
If you really loved him, you'd demand he comes back, stops the drinking and coke and face up to his responsibilities.

Kelly345 · 09/03/2021 00:05

@Silvercarpet

And it’s since the passing of his dad that the drink n coke has become such a huge problem. We’ve had problems in the past but never even close to what they’re like now. It’s the grief that’s consuming him and he’s burying his head in the sand with getting off his face instead of facing up to it all. It was extremely hard losing his dad, for all of us. Me included. We literally watched him as he died and that’s an image that u don’t forget. And it’s fucking with his head. I know people probably think I’m stupid for loving him but I don’t know any different
I watched my mother die. I held her hand while she took her last breath. Life's tough. It's actually quite insulting to me reading that last post. Do you think i snorted coke and abandoned my family while i went through that hell? Of course i didn't! Please don't use that as an excuse, you insult people by doing so. Tell your old man you don't want him around you until he's got help.
OhCaptain · 09/03/2021 00:07

You don’t want to listen to what people are saying.

You keep asking what you should do. The only acceptable answer is dump is arse.

But you won’t. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Kelly345 · 09/03/2021 00:18

I'm being very calm now. Some of us know exactly what it's like to watch someone die in front of us. Please don't use that to excuse the behaviour of a druggie. It's disrespectful to other people. Your relationship was already broken long before his dad died, you just can't see it.

NovemberR · 09/03/2021 00:31

@Silvercarpet

And it’s since the passing of his dad that the drink n coke has become such a huge problem. We’ve had problems in the past but never even close to what they’re like now. It’s the grief that’s consuming him and he’s burying his head in the sand with getting off his face instead of facing up to it all. It was extremely hard losing his dad, for all of us. Me included. We literally watched him as he died and that’s an image that u don’t forget. And it’s fucking with his head. I know people probably think I’m stupid for loving him but I don’t know any different
What a massive support he must be to his mother..

Selfish tosser.

Nogardenersworld · 09/03/2021 00:43

Away from the drink, the drugs, ignoring you, moving out, not communicating with you, not parenting his kids, ignoring his kids, not committing to your future, away from all that he’s a good dad and partner

Kelly345 · 09/03/2021 00:46

@Nogardenersworld

Away from the drink, the drugs, ignoring you, moving out, not communicating with you, not parenting his kids, ignoring his kids, not committing to your future, away from all that he’s a good dad and partner
But she loves him .....
timeisnotaline · 09/03/2021 00:48

I’m another who can’t see how he is supporting his mother much. So he’s doing no parenting, not being a partner - is he paying anything? Please do your finances, see how you will go alone and and ask him for money if you aren’t currently getting any. Remind him his children still need 3 meals a day and clothes to wear whether he’s upset or not.

Lillygolightly · 09/03/2021 00:49

@Silvercarpet

With the best will in the world you can’t make him choose something he isn’t ready to choose. I know you want him to choose you and choose your family and I absolutely understand that. The problem is for as long as you are there hanging around waiting for him to wake up/deal properly with his grief then he doesn’t have to choose. Why would he? He’s got the time and space to drink and so drugs and wallow in whatever it is he is going through, and he’s got you there when he wants you...on his terms. All the while your back at home picking up the pieces, looking after the kids single handed and keeping house.

You’ve given him time, you’ve given him space but enough is enough now, I think you’ve been patient long enough. It’s sad what has happened to him but he is a grown man with a family and responsibilities, and these responsibilities don’t just go away because your grieving. If he genuinely is struggling with his grief then he needs to seek professional medical help, counselling etc this is what adults with children/responsibilities have to do.

What would you do in his position? Would you fuck off and leave your kids? Would you be treating your grief with drugs and alcohol? I bet the answer is no. So if you expect that of yourself, it’s not unreasonable for you to expect that of him too.

I would also bet good money that if you did what he’s doing he wouldn’t be sat at home raising the kids single handed and waiting for you to see the light and get over it. Fuck no, judging by how’s he’s behaved he’d be off and gone. If you don’t think he would do the same for you, why would you do it for him?

Get tough OP, because things aren’t getting any better with you simply waiting and hoping. In your shoes I would give him a serious deadline e.g he comes home in two weeks or he doesn’t come home at all. He has until then to decide what he wants because this limbo isn’t fair to you or your children.

LifeExperience · 09/03/2021 01:06

We all lose our parents eventually. I lost both of mine, one very suddenly and one after a long, terrible illness, yet I didn't use my grief as an excuse to drink, do drugs, leave my husband and children alone, etc.

He's being a terrible husband and father and you and your children deserve better. It's time for you to put your emotions and neediness aside, be the mature adult mother your children need and lay down the law. Tell him in no uncertain terms that enough's enough, he needs to get his butt home, stop using his father's death as an excuse to be a twat, and instead be the husband and father you and your children deserve.