What do I do?

[Silvercarpet]

Iv posted recently on here about a family bereavement, my partners father passed away in January and since then everything has turned to shit. He struggling, really struggling. But we’ve been together ten years and have a family together. Since the death of his father he has been living with his mum to support her. And Iv been trying to take a step back to give him space but it’s so hard! We’ve never been apart. He told me he needed time and space and I did my best in giving him that. We don’t see that much of each other but when we do he can b a little distant but he’s here, he tells me he loves me and promises me that we will get through this and that he will b coming home soon. Then as soon as he walks out the door he won’t speak to me about anything, I’m in constant limbo and he’s giving me constant mixed signals. One minute he’s promising we will get through it then the next he’s telling me “I don’t know what I want in the future” and “let’s just c how it pans out”. Wtf?! If I bring it up what he’s said to me he tells me I’m too much and I’m pushing him away. But who else can I speak to? Who else can answer the questions I have when I ask him what he means when he says something to me? I love him so much - probably too much tbh. Even ten years on I still get butterflies when I see him. What do I do with this feeling of being in limbo all the time? Do I walk away? Do I stay? If I stay then how do u put my fears to the back of my head and stop expressing them to him?
I know it sounds selfish when he’s recently lost his father but this is still my life, my kids lives. I’m 100% supportive of anything and everything he does even when he’s drinking and sniffing coke and ignoring me and the kids most days, it’s doing him no good but if that’s how he needs to cope with his grief for now then who am I to tell him what to do. I just want to know where I stand, where my future stands

I’ve lost both my parents in the same year and it was devastating. However I had a family and they were important to me. I would never have neglected them even when I was struggling and certainly never resorted to drink or drugs. It is no excuse. He has responsibilities and he needs to step up. It’s hard but if he’s struggling the answer is not the drugs/ drink , he needs counselling and help to kick his habit as this won’t be helping. You need to give him a wake up call and an ultimatum, this is not harsh but real life. He is ignoring his responsibilities and currently you are enabling him to do this. You and your children deserve better than what he is currently giving.
If he continues on this downward spiral he’ll be no good to anyone.
Choose carefully the road you follow, a partner with a drink and drug addiction ( which this is whether you believe it is or not) is not an easy road.

OP I think you know what you have to do.
I wonder what your relationship with his mother is like and whether there is an inheritance.

He sounds like he's compartmentalising: he deals with one thing in one space (you and the kids), and another thing in the other space (his Ma), and it's easier for him to keep the two things separate so he can deal, I get that, but then, in between, he's getting off his face.

It's only been two months since his Dad passed, so... I can understand him getting off his head, it's probably part grief, part opportunity. Shit for you and the kids, though.

I'd be tempted to start looking into what help and support you can get IF you decide to move on from this relationship. How will you pay for stuff, who will do what, will he pay maintenance, etc. Start seeing more of your family, if you have one, friends, if you have some. You can maybe look around and see if there's school-runs you can share with other Mums, maybe look for a job f you haven't already got one. Leave him alone for a bit, if that's what he wants, but start looking into stuff, just in case he spirals into becoming a proper waster and you don't want to deal with all that messing.

My brother is a cokehead, and his wife has a dogs life. I'm amazed she puts up with his antics, but... she does. I couldn't live like that myself.

@Monty27

OP I think you know what you have to do. I wonder what your relationship with his mother is like and whether there is an inheritance.

Lol, definitely no inheritance I can assure u! His dad left his mum up shit creek with everything. But yes I’m very close to his mum as it goes, she’s my family too

The words “coke” and “good man” do not belong in the same sentence.

Imagine how your children will describe him in later life: “my dad was a cokehead and my mum put up with it.” Your children may not know now but don’t think they won’t work it out as they get older.

You’re doing your children no favours by allowing this druggy to remain in their lives.

Unfortunately saying aside from the drug taking and drinking we have a great life together is self-deluding. (It's like saying, aside from the murdering, a serial killer can be a nice enough guy .)

You have to look at the whole picture of your relationship and family dynamic, not just the bits you like. Because it's not aside or apart, the drug taking and drinking is going on right there and affecting everything. And it's not outside of who he is or what he's doing, it comes along with him. Unless he's interested in stopping and seeking help, then it's part of the package.

I'm curious how he pays for his coke and drinking?

When did he start taking drugs? Drug and alcohol abuse leaves the brain stuck at the same level of maturity it was when drug use began particularly with teenagers. I think you need to learn more about this problem.

@Silvercarpet

And it’s since the passing of his dad that the drink n coke has become such a huge problem. We’ve had problems in the past but never even close to what they’re like now. It’s the grief that’s consuming him and he’s burying his head in the sand with getting off his face instead of facing up to it all. It was extremely hard losing his dad, for all of us. Me included. We literally watched him as he died and that’s an image that u don’t forget. And it’s fucking with his head. I know people probably think I’m stupid for loving him but I don’t know any different

Most people will lose their parents, it is a fact of life. Many of us will also watch that happen.

What isn’t normal is to turn to coke and drink afterwards, to check out of family life and neglect ones own children. It also isn’t normal to need time and space from your spouse or life partner, it is more normal to find comfort in them.

I think you need to stop accepting his behaviour as being normal, it isn’t. You obviously want things to work out but you cannot carry on like this, so think you need to set a firm (and short) time limit on how much longer you are prepared to tolerate his behaviour. Sadly, there is a bit over that thinks he is using the situate as an excuse to behave badly.

You have to finish the relationship and let him sort himself out. You need to do what's best for the kids here.

I understand it must be difficult for him to deal with but his dad is dead and he needs to concentrate on the living. As a pp said, would you act this way if you lost a parent? Absolutely not. Because you would put your own children first. And the fact that he isn't doing that would mean it's the end for me.

You know what you need to do. Good luck. And sorry for your loss.