What to expect in Relate marriage counselling?

[Muchtoomuchtodo]

‘D’H and I are going through a very rocky patch. The second in 5 years. It’s like history repeating itself. When something unplanned happens to him, he shuts down, stops communicating and makes decisions solely based on what he wants.

In between, he puts work first, still doesn’t communicate particularly well and ignores anything that he doesn’t like or want to do (from emptying the bins, to phoning a roofer when we had a leak (he was off work, I was working full time).

He’s over weight, snores terribly and has done nothing over the last 5 years to address this except buy mouth guards from the internet. We’ve not slept in the same room or had sex for the last 5 years.

I’m at the end of my tether with this cycle repeating itself again. I’ve found notes that I wrote 5 years ago and I could have written them last week. Nothing has changed.

He had a session with a relate counsellor last week. Apparently they said that there must be something worth fighting for as we’ve been together 17 years (it’s actually 21) and have 2 kids. Does that sound like something they’d say?

We’re going to have a joint session later this week and I don’t have any idea what to expect. What kind of questions will they ask? Is it as awful as I’m imagining?

They'll probably ask you why you're there, ie. what's the problem, and take it from there. Just be as honest as possible, there are no right or wrong answers, just your truth.

Why are you imagining it will be awful? What do you think they'll ask?

The fact that the counsellor said that there must be something worth fighting for makes me feel like I’m going to be shoehorned into agreeing to try yet again.

Like he can’t see that things and people can and do change. DH certainly isn’t able to see things from my point of view, and how his behaviour makes me feel. I’m worried that I’m going to feel ganged up on.

Are they on performance related pay where they get a bonus for every marriage that doesn’t break up?! (not sure if I’m joking or not!)

They won't be there to take sides, they are there to take you through a process of understanding yourself and each other and decision making. If you understand each other and decide to split up they should support you in that (although the joint counselling part would finish before that point!)
If you don't want to go then you don't have to, if you are sure there's nothing in it for you.
If you are worried you won't have space for yourself, there's nothing stopping you getting sessions alone either with the same or another counsellor. Finances and time permitting.

We went. They asked why we were there and some background to our marriage. Then we had separate appointments and then joint appointments. We found it immensely helpful.

Thanks.

I can’t think of anything that anyone can do or say that can save things now. The same old promises, 5 years apart. The same lies, ignoring problems, not communicating, not considering me or the kids with decisions that he makes.

If I stay with him I’ll just be wondering what might happened next, and when. I feel like a complete doormat for letting it happen twice already.

I’d rather stick pins in my eyes, but I know that for his sake I need to go to these sessions because he seems incapable of understanding things from my point of view.

I'm a Relate counsellor. We definitely don't try to navigate a certain outcome or have any investment in couples staying together - the work is about what is best for you both. That could mean separating or staying together.

If you are skeptical/unsure why don't you have your own individual session with the counsellor like your husband has done before you start couple work? You could be open about your fears of being shoehorned? It's all helpful stuff to discuss.

I don’t think there’ll be time for that, and we’re not exactly rolling in money either.

After stalling for basically 5 years, DH has just said that he wants to book a session for this Thursday evening. After I’ve worked all day and done ds’s parents evening!

I’ll just be completely honest in that first joint session.

Good luck for tomorrow @Muchtoomuchtodo - couple counselling can really be a positive helpful thing a lot of the time. I promise!

Thanks. He didn’t book the appt for tomorrow night (when dc are 99% likely to be happily occupied), he’s gone for a lunchtime one this weekend (when dc are far less likely to be happily occupied).

I’m not sure how we can guarantee that we won’t get interrupted but he reckons it’ll be fine. We’ll give it a go and keep our fingers crossed that he’s right!

Expect very little! I've tried a few counsellors, but sadly they aren't magicians. You sound like your mind is made up (as was mine). I think if you both want it and get there as soon as issues start maybe it's more effective

My experience of Relate counseling was sadly awful. The counsellor was very partial and even though I'd been very upfront about being neurodivergent the counsellor couldn't seem to "get" my perspective at all, and according to my ex told him on an individual session that no one would be able to live happily with someone like me.

I saw a specialist couples counsellor after that, and that was a much better process. We split up, but it was absolutely the right thing to do for us.

Ive been. I am a deeply private person and the thought of it was horrible.

But it was very useful. I learnt lots about myself and why i am and how i behave in a couple and how to communicate (i thought i was fine!). I also learnt to better understand my husband and him me.

I agree they don't have an agenda. Their job is to help you navigate or unpick sth. Particularly in a first session they will ask a few open questions and let you spill-and just prompt a little.

Another way to look at it. Is that, if you leave today you want to have no regrets and feel you tried everything (particularly as it sounds like DH will see himself as the victim). Trying counselling might help you in your walking away process to feel you tried. And remove the niggle that it could have been saved.

Thanks everyone.
I’ve been thinking about what I want from the sessions.
I want to understand how we’ve ended up where we have. What I’ve done to contribute to it as well as what DH has done,
I don’t see a way that I can really trust DH properly again, so I’d like to find a way to split up amicably and fairly - bearing in mind that my career, earning potential and pension has all been affected by working part time since having the dc.

There are family therapies and couples counselling too - relate wasn’t great - it was expensive too. A good therapist can also assist in helping you to end the relationship ie discuss this openly between the two of you.
Good luck.

Something i didn't mention is that if either of you work for a company they are likely to have an employee assistance program, it will come under HR information. Basically an external company that provided a few free relationship counselling sessions for you both.
Definitely worth a try if you can get it although it's strictly time limited, but the counselors are just independent freelance ones so it's totally useful.

I can get (and have had) individual counselling through my employee wellbeing scheme but last time I looked (about this time last year) it didn’t cover marriage or couples counselling,

So we had our first session and the lovely lady thinks that couples counselling would be beneficial, so now we’re on a waiting list for someone to have availability for us.

I’m a bit disappointed to be honest, the lady we saw was lovely and I felt was able to listen to us both. It feels like the next session, whenever that will be, will just be going through the same stuff again. So after DH’s individual session, the one we had this weekend and the first one with ‘our’ counsellor, we’ll have already spent £180 on introductions.

To be honest I just wanted her to tell me that I’ve already put up with more than enough and it’s ok to throw in the towel, but now that she’s said she thinks counselling could help us I feel that I have to give it a go despite my mind being 95% made up.

I don't understand why you are going at all. Couples counselling is for a couple who want to make things work. You don't.

Basically your DH has decided by himself that this is a good idea (and I note that this is his perfectly usual pattern, btw), and the counsellor -according to him - told your DH he/she thinks that your relationship is worth saving, completely without having met you and without any reference to you.

For some reason you think that this obliges you to have to go along and enable this to happen?

I want to understand how we’ve ended up where we have. What I’ve done to contribute to it as well as what DH has done,
I don’t see a way that I can really trust DH properly again, so I’d like to find a way to split up amicably and fairly - bearing in mind that my career, earning potential and pension has all been affected by working part time since having the dc.

I think you need solo legal advice, solo counselling for yourself, and mediation for your divorce, not couples counselling.

Thanks @Haffiana
I’m not ruling out that things might work if we both commit to the counselling, but really I think that I’m hoping to make other people see and think that I’ve done everything that I can to save our marriage - the kids and in-laws really.
I’m also hoping that it will help things to stay amicable and ensure a fair settlement if we do end up separating (which you’re right, does at the moment feel inevitable to me).

I think you need solo legal advice, solo counselling for yourself, and mediation for your divorce, not couples counselling.

These are very wise words. If you're not 100% behind the process for couples counselling, it's not going to work

If you're done, you're done. Take responsibility for that decision and act on it.

Hi OP, you may well end up with the counsellor who did your assessment. I warn couples they might not see me again as we don't manage the waiting list but I often do end up with that couple again. You could always request that counsellor and just wait a bit longer if you felt they were a good fit for you. That's really important.

We did Relate recently. It was as awful as I expected. I also started out pretty certain that it wouldn't help, and it's not a good place to start from. We were "taught" that we weren't communicating (no shit Sherlock) and how to communicate better, but we didn't because the will wasn't there. I also learned some stuff about my husband's opinions on me that frankly I could have done without. Good luck, I'll be interested to know how it went for you.

You don't need permission to leave him, OP.

Thanks everyone, it all makes interesting reading.

I know I don’t need permission to leave but I’m in a very precarious financial situation due to putting my career very firmly in second place to prioritise the needs of the kids. Because of that I want (need) things to remain amicable and for him to believe that I’ve put everything into making the marriage work. I also think that the kids will cope better if they think I’ve tried my best and sought help too .

I know not everyone will agree with me, or how I’m doing things but at the moment this feels like the most appropriate course of action.

I'm just having some couples counselling myself with Relate. How did yours go?