Is it unreasonable to have a hard line/boundary on porn?

[Mebackagain]

I know many would say it is unreasonable and unrealistic to expect a partner to never look at porn whether videos or just images, anything that gets them horny etc.

But I do struggle with feeling hurt even knowing my partner might do it whether rarely or more often. Is this unreasonable? I know the answer is it probably is? I know I can be insecure and even a tiny bit jealous at times but at least I am aware of it and trying to handle it but it can be hard to do when you cannot communicate with your partner and are not sure really, how much porn they use for example.

Perhaps it is also that I struggle with not being able to communicate very well with him about it, or anything else important to me for that matter. Automatic defensive or angry reactions, shutting down conversations sometimes, make me wonder if I can trust what he says when he says he doesn't use it often. But I do know he used it quite often when single. Very rarely we might actually be able to discuss or resolve any issues. That always feels great when it happens but so often it seems to be difficult to have open communication.

I don't know. Is it just my issue? Do I have to come to terms with the fact that yes everybody may look at porn once in a while, get comfortable with that fact. And then address the other issue of whether or not he may be using it more often than that and not able to tell me/lying to me, or whether I just have trust and insecurity issues that I need to get over, he is telling the truth and annoyed that I might not believe him.

I know porn is a complex and difficult issue and don't mean to cause any arguments on here or place any judgement. I know also its use can be associated with secrecy but also shame and guilt and so I should have some compassion as it can be hard for some people to talk about even to their partner and I know I also can react angrily/hurt at times in those kinds of conversations.

Sorry if this post doesn't make sense I suppose it is a bit of an inner ramble! And I am also trying not to give too much detail but I understand some detail is necessary to be able to advise here. Not sure what I am asking really!

I don't want to come across as controlling in any way of course. It's a fine line to navigate this one. And of course I know that really, communication is key.

In many ways him and I do communicate better than any of the other men I have had relationships with, yet clearly there are still some huge barriers. Perhaps it is just me and I am hard to communicate with...

@Mebackagain
I read throwing your posts on ‘read all’ in one go, and my first thought was - it must be exhausting to be in a relationships with you, at least at this point.
You seem to be the kind of person who likes to talk on an on about ‘our relationship’. And you seem to be doing it in the spirit of ‘communication and honesty’... and comparing it to your other relationships.
And it doesn’t seem that your relationship has any real problems - you aren’t mentioning them anyway. Except for he isn’t as interested in ‘communication’ the way you are defining it.

Most women here that are dealing with porn issues - are coming to MN having either had their sex life dwindled to nothing. Or having discovered evidence of excessive use.
You are here because:

• you can’t stand the thought ‘he may get horny by looking at another person’,
• his pre-relationship SM followings
• his lack of desire to discuss it when you interrogate him over and over when he last used it.

This isn’t a healthy way to be in a relationship. And it’s not really about porn, in my view. You could have fixated on any other issue in the same way. This is a sure way to drive yourself insane and destroy a relationship.

I really do think that you could benefit from a bit of counselling to really understand what is driving these insecurities in a relationship and making you to act this way. Finding faults in a relationship where there aren’t any - and fixating on fixing them - is a sure way to sabotage any relationship you enter.

Maybe I misread/misunderstood your posts. Maybe there are other issues and you are actually unhappy. Then just leave. What you are describing is unhealthy and too much work to be worth it.
You seem quite young and so this relationship of 2 years is unlikely to be it for you. Chuck it all to a learning experience and move on.

I'd like to agree with all @TheVanguardSix has said

I also look on porn as a form of cheating ,
I found it on history in my youtube list {my husband didnt know about history being kept} !
When I confronted him he said I had put the picture on there, which I knew I had NOT ,
He said he would never do it again after me catching him out the first time, which sounds to me like he still would if he thought he would not get caught???
I had jealousy issues after something that happened in the past{not adultery etc} but I had a few meltdowns and anger about it and thought it was sorted , but then when I found this out it was strange as it just confirmed for me I wasnt being irrational and crazy and he was and is the one who has caused me to feel this way .
I dont feel anger etc anymore and dont know why ???
I feel crazy every day and sad , not good enough , and everywhere we go I am scanning every woman and where he is looking , even on the telly as soon as I hear a womans voice I am there !
This is an awful way to live and I really dont want this but we are having counselling and she did say that I will feel like my partner has gone outside our marriage and brought anoher woman in, because I said that was how I felt and after 31 years I dont feel like I know him as I just cant get my head around it, x

Interesting to read the range of views on this. See, to me it wouldn’t be the “cheating” element that would bother me - my partner and I often discuss fancying other people - maybe people we see on TV, or come across in our daily lives (the broadband man who came round the other day looked like a male model, for example, and I texted my fella to tell him - he didn’t seem bothered!)

I don’t think about other people when I masturbate but I don’t think it would be bad, and I wouldn’t mind if he did (he claims not to masturbate at all, but I don’t care whether he does or not, or what he thinks about).

As long as it’s not porn! It’s the ethical issues surrounding porn are the deal breaker for me - I see it in the same stable as using sex workers (tho I would admittedly be even more angry if he did that).

But we’re all different. There is no right or wrong way to view it - but you need to find someone with similar values on these matters, or you are on the road to nowhere.....

@TheVanguardSix

porn is such a complex issue

Not really. It really isn't. Saying this is just trying to stave off the wolves who come howling onto MN with their pro-porn he has choices/this is your behaviour issue, OP fucking bullshit, guilt-tripping, blame-the-OP bollocks.
Fuck porn and all the destruction it delivers to relationships.

Porn is shit. It is the fucking helter-skelter spiral straight into the dead bedroom. My husband sees it all the time with patients, i.e. she can't get pregnant because he can't get erect. All the fertility tests are fine and yet 3 years on, they haven't had one pregnancy. She's 33. In confidence and away from the wife, he reveals he's knocking them out of the park for porn, but not for his wife who doesn't want to be rimmed or gang-banged or tied up or raped. She just wants to have a baby with the guy she's married to and for some fucking reason, at 33, she's deemed infertile.
I have many more examples of what a shitty impact porn has on relationships. Anyone care to read 'em or is the pro-porn brigade going to lynch me, full-on MN style?

Fuck porn.
Draw your line in the sand, OP.

Well said 👏

cammyukcake

I could have written your post - you have articulated it very well. I am left feeling distant from my husband to whom I have been married a long time, I also feel lonely and sad. I never envisaged our relationship becoming like this. I've told a couple of people in real life but they don't seem to get how I'm feeling (they are not in relationships) and it has left me feeling lonelier than ever and minimise my reaction...along the lines of most men do it etc. It also leaves me feeling like it's me who has got the problem for being to irrational. It does feel like cheating...seeking out visual stimulation for a specific reason. A friend said well don't you like men you watch on TV...yes sometimes but I'm watching them as part of a drama etc. not specifically watching it because they are in it. I also feel quite negative toward men in general...every other day there seems to be someone posting about porn or having affairs etc. I was previously quite smug and never thought this would happen to me...it just happened to other people because my husband was so lovely - well that came around and bit me didn't it.

and everywhere we go I am scanning every woman and where he is looking , even on the telly as soon as I hear a womans voice I am there !

This too.

I'd be interested on hearing how the counselling is going Cammy.

Porn is a boundary for me. DP says he feels the same. As far as I am aware he does not seek out and look at/watch porn.

If I was to ever find out that in fact he does seek out and look at porn, then I could no longer respect him and would no longer be with him.

That's not telling him what he can and can't do. Its telling him what my boundaries are. And when it comes to porn, I am not willing to move them. If he doesn't agree then he is free to leave.

@TheVanguardSix

porn is such a complex issue

Not really. It really isn't. Saying this is just trying to stave off the wolves who come howling onto MN with their pro-porn he has choices/this is your behaviour issue, OP fucking bullshit, guilt-tripping, blame-the-OP bollocks.
Fuck porn and all the destruction it delivers to relationships.

Porn is shit. It is the fucking helter-skelter spiral straight into the dead bedroom. My husband sees it all the time with patients, i.e. she can't get pregnant because he can't get erect. All the fertility tests are fine and yet 3 years on, they haven't had one pregnancy. She's 33. In confidence and away from the wife, he reveals he's knocking them out of the park for porn, but not for his wife who doesn't want to be rimmed or gang-banged or tied up or raped. She just wants to have a baby with the guy she's married to and for some fucking reason, at 33, she's deemed infertile.
I have many more examples of what a shitty impact porn has on relationships. Anyone care to read 'em or is the pro-porn brigade going to lynch me, full-on MN style?

Fuck porn.
Draw your line in the sand, OP.

This. 100% This.

We have another counselling session next week .
I am hoping this will help and she does make me feel more positive while we are talking but as soon as it stops then back to square one ,all the thoughts etc .
I love my.husband dearly but as I said after all these years when something like this happens (even though some people think it is not that bad ) it really shocks you.
I wish I could just shut it.off and forget about.it but sadly It is my feelings and I can't shut them down.x

@TheVanguardSix

porn is such a complex issue

Not really. It really isn't. Saying this is just trying to stave off the wolves who come howling onto MN with their pro-porn he has choices/this is your behaviour issue, OP fucking bullshit, guilt-tripping, blame-the-OP bollocks.
Fuck porn and all the destruction it delivers to relationships.

Porn is shit. It is the fucking helter-skelter spiral straight into the dead bedroom. My husband sees it all the time with patients, i.e. she can't get pregnant because he can't get erect. All the fertility tests are fine and yet 3 years on, they haven't had one pregnancy. She's 33. In confidence and away from the wife, he reveals he's knocking them out of the park for porn, but not for his wife who doesn't want to be rimmed or gang-banged or tied up or raped. She just wants to have a baby with the guy she's married to and for some fucking reason, at 33, she's deemed infertile.
I have many more examples of what a shitty impact porn has on relationships. Anyone care to read 'em or is the pro-porn brigade going to lynch me, full-on MN style?

Fuck porn.
Draw your line in the sand, OP.

This. No question.

porn is such a complex issue

There's a lot of complex issues around porn, but whether you're happy for your partner to use it is a simple 'yes or no' issue.

I've tried to turn myself inside out trying to view it differently, trying to minimalize it etc. I have even questioned what our long term relationship has been based on because my husband no longer seems to be able to relate to me on an emotional level (once intimacy stopped as a result of the porn use and my confused feelings) and this has shocked me to the core, it's like he suddenly doesn't care much about me anymore. I question whether, I too am an object (probably nothing to do with it but I'm a fair bit younger than my husband), just a somebody if that makes sense and how he actually view women. What has exacerbated everything is that I'm slipping into the menopause (and part of the explanation of my falling libido). He was getting off to watching women at least half his age, if not more, whilst I am looking down the barrel of huge hormonal shift. All of this doesn't leave me feeling very good about myself. I have no other adults in my life - no extended family etc. to help me validate my self worth/feeling loved. Having grown up in a hugely dysfunctional family, it seemed like a huge gift to have such a loving husband etc. and I was proud of the fact that we seemed to have made a good go at having a decent relationship and bringing up our own family. Like Cammy, all of this has shocked me and still I am left feeling like I shouldn't be feeling this way.

I don't see porn as a complex issue. I see it as something where (usually) young women are exploited, it normalises sexual practices such as anal sex which women are often uncomfortable with, and contributes by the attitudes it fosters to rape and sexual assault.

So not acceptable whether in a relationship or not.

@TheVanguardSix...what a brilliant post, I love the truth and the feistiness behind it, totally agree

@ChristmasFluff.....also a great post, I found your words of wisdom very helpful

This sounds like you're probably incompatible, a bit like a carnivore being in a relationship with a vegan - it probably won't last.

For the PP who says she needs someone else to validate her - I think you need to work on this. You should aim to get to a stage where you validate yourself.