Is it unreasonable to have a hard line/boundary on porn?

[Mebackagain]

I know many would say it is unreasonable and unrealistic to expect a partner to never look at porn whether videos or just images, anything that gets them horny etc.

But I do struggle with feeling hurt even knowing my partner might do it whether rarely or more often. Is this unreasonable? I know the answer is it probably is? I know I can be insecure and even a tiny bit jealous at times but at least I am aware of it and trying to handle it but it can be hard to do when you cannot communicate with your partner and are not sure really, how much porn they use for example.

Perhaps it is also that I struggle with not being able to communicate very well with him about it, or anything else important to me for that matter. Automatic defensive or angry reactions, shutting down conversations sometimes, make me wonder if I can trust what he says when he says he doesn't use it often. But I do know he used it quite often when single. Very rarely we might actually be able to discuss or resolve any issues. That always feels great when it happens but so often it seems to be difficult to have open communication.

I don't know. Is it just my issue? Do I have to come to terms with the fact that yes everybody may look at porn once in a while, get comfortable with that fact. And then address the other issue of whether or not he may be using it more often than that and not able to tell me/lying to me, or whether I just have trust and insecurity issues that I need to get over, he is telling the truth and annoyed that I might not believe him.

I know porn is a complex and difficult issue and don't mean to cause any arguments on here or place any judgement. I know also its use can be associated with secrecy but also shame and guilt and so I should have some compassion as it can be hard for some people to talk about even to their partner and I know I also can react angrily/hurt at times in those kinds of conversations.

Sorry if this post doesn't make sense I suppose it is a bit of an inner ramble! And I am also trying not to give too much detail but I understand some detail is necessary to be able to advise here. Not sure what I am asking really!

I don't want to come across as controlling in any way of course. It's a fine line to navigate this one. And of course I know that really, communication is key.

In many ways him and I do communicate better than any of the other men I have had relationships with, yet clearly there are still some huge barriers. Perhaps it is just me and I am hard to communicate with...

But going my your last comment , maybe your approach is off and comes off accusatory. Why do you care if he watched it or not you haven’t really made it clear in this post. Is it how often he watches it or him watching it at all that bothers you? Even I’m confused by your explanation

Porn is a deal breaker for me ! It's a form of cheating in my eyes . I would leave my 20 years marriage if I found out my husband was using porn . Wait until all the wives come on here who call you controlling because you don't allow him to bash one out to other makes females 🤢. Porn is so damaging it should be banned

What I don't get it why people think having an orgasm from another person is in anyway acceptable just because the person doesn't know them ?
Why wouldn't it be okay for me to sext a man ? What's the difference?

@autumnalrain

You don't decide who to police. If somebody feels that they need to be policing somebody else, the relationship is over. Both parties need to be respecting each other's feelings, rather than told to 'obey' them.

Incompatibility is often the answer, but the least welcome one, which is why people end up in relationships full of conflict.

Yes definitely, I am not the best communicator, and certainly perhaps I do sometimes seem accusatory when I don't intend to be.

I know my position probably seems unclear. Ultimately the thought of it at all is difficult for me, however as somebody previously said sometimes boundaries can be compromised on therefore I can compromise and accept on occasional, random use. So then it becomes that my boundary is more the frequency and intent. Like more regularly, and following particular accounts on social media or whatever in which case they could even potentially be viewed every day (he did this when single but has said he has stopped) is an issue for me and where my boundary is.

I think I have tried to communicate that position before but not been too successful at it I admit. Neither one of us are good communicators.

It is difficult for me to think about him ever using it but I do think it's fairly unrealistic to hope a partner would never look at it and could seem controlling. Although I've had some that have been much less interested in that kind of thing than others I can't imagine finding many men that don't ever look at porn. As previously said it has become so normalised. I'm sure they must exist though.

I don't want to be policing him. I just want honesty and communication and it is hard on both sides and yes I haven't always been clear. And yes I do still always have the nagging feeling that he isn't always truthful or has periods of much more regular use and that perhaps comes down to the way our communications make me feel or my own trust issues that I will need to work on.

It's hard to know on compatibility when you can't even be sure how much it is being used and every conversation in it usually ends badly, partly sometimes my fault yes due to picking bad moments or possibly seeming unclear or accusatory.

Thanks for the help it has helped me understand what my boundaries actually are, what I may be able to compromise on and how best to try to discuss and what to avoid in future in terms of communicating well.

Your boundaries about you. Controlling behaviour is about the other person. 'I will not stay with a partner who uses porn' is very different from 'I will not allow my partner to look at porn.'
This.
You are well within your rights to decline from a relationship with someone because they aren't on the same page as you.
I'm not sure it's reasonable to have very different views on porn, or any other hard boundary issue, and then stay together whilst regularly having the same argument/conflict

@catherineofarrogance80

What I don't get it why people think having an orgasm from another person is in anyway acceptable just because the person doesn't know them ? Why wouldn't it be okay for me to sext a man ? What's the difference?

I imagine most people would draw a distinction between sexting a stranger in another country via an anonymous chatroom and exchanging sorry messages with a colleague.

If you can see one as more of an issue than the other, you can probably extrapolate and conclude on why some people don't really see an issue with porn.

Whether your partner masturbates to an image on a screen or an image in their head, you're unlikely to be the image 100% of time time.

Yes deep down I do agree with @meganiris1922 and @catherineofarrogance80 but I do think sometimes maybe there just has to be compromise.

I did tell him that I don't look at porn myself. I am not sure if he would be ok with me following accounts of men like the ones he once followed of women. But of course I know he has said he has stopped that and all I can do is trust in that answer.

This might be a simplistic view but have you thought that you might not be that compatible and that you would potentially be happier with a person whose values are more closely aligned to yours?

porn is such a complex issue

Not really. It really isn't. Saying this is just trying to stave off the wolves who come howling onto MN with their pro-porn he has choices/this is your behaviour issue, OP fucking bullshit, guilt-tripping, blame-the-OP bollocks.
Fuck porn and all the destruction it delivers to relationships.

Porn is shit. It is the fucking helter-skelter spiral straight into the dead bedroom. My husband sees it all the time with patients, i.e. she can't get pregnant because he can't get erect. All the fertility tests are fine and yet 3 years on, they haven't had one pregnancy. She's 33. In confidence and away from the wife, he reveals he's knocking them out of the park for porn, but not for his wife who doesn't want to be rimmed or gang-banged or tied up or raped. She just wants to have a baby with the guy she's married to and for some fucking reason, at 33, she's deemed infertile.
I have many more examples of what a shitty impact porn has on relationships. Anyone care to read 'em or is the pro-porn brigade going to lynch me, full-on MN style?

Fuck porn.
Draw your line in the sand, OP.

"I imagine most people would draw a distinction between sexting a stranger in another country via an anonymous chatroom and exchanging sorry messages with a colleague."

• I don't see a difference at all. Both of these actions are cheating in my book. Am I weird? Is this normal for relationships now??

@TheVanguardSix well said. 👏 👏

Surely he's not being honest because you don't really want to hear the truth because you'd then have to split up as your boundaries are incompatible?

That's why he's being vague and uncommunicative about it, in a 'let sleeping dogs lie' way. Whereas you say you want an honest and frank conversation about it, but do you really? Because then you really have to decide on your boundary, and if he's honest he's surely crossed it and knows you won't be happy. I think your choice is either to not push on it and take the view that using porn when he's masturbating is his business, or you force having The Conversation and be ready to split up. Because it really doesn't sound like him using it 6 times a year on high days and holidays is going to resolve your differences here.

FWIW, I'm of a different mind to some here and use porn, separately to my DH though I know he uses it too. I don't particularly want to know what he looks at or how often and nor do I want him to know what I look at. But I can say that what I look at has nothing to do with being more attracted to the people in it and likewise I've no insecurities that DH 'fancies' women in the porn he watches in any way that relates to our real life together. We have a healthy happy relationship, but I don't think that's the same thing as having to tell each other everything. I actually do think porn is quite complex, in so much as human sexuality is complex and what turns us on fantasy-wise can have nothing to do with the kind of partner we actually want to spend our lives with. But that's just my view and thankfully it's compatible with my partner's. Which is the key I think. If your hardline, you really need to find another hardliner.

I'm struggling with the porn issue too. Married a long time and discovered that my husband had secretly been watching porn whilst I was asleep (no previous inkling). He then tells me that most men watch porn it is perfectly normal. He then went on to discuss how he'd been talking about porn amongst 'friends' and the lengths they go to watch it which further angers me (I am anti-porn but didn't realise how much so). Friends I have spoken to in real life tell me most men watch porn and then you think is it just me then, just me with the problem/insecurity/just what they term vanilla porn (none of the vile stuff...trying to rationalise that it isn't that bad. But for me it feels like a boundary has been crossed, it does feel like cheating (but no woman would be in a relationship because most men watch porn). I think there were cracks in our relationship before this but all I can do now is look at my husband with distaste/disrespect and it has totally wrecked my trust in him and what else may or may not be going on. He is the only adult in my life, my dcs are young. Rightly or wrongly I have decided to stay put at least for a while. I am first to admit I am scared of being alone especially without any support. I am also awaiting psychotherapy later in the year when covid eases...my husband thinks this will help me to see how unreasonable I'm being. I fear for my daughters and their future relationships if porn has in actual fact become the norm.

Sorry for the rambling post.

Vanguard...does that mean it's okay from your point of view if it doesn't cause the sort of issues you mention or is not the type of porn you mention? In my case I'm not sure how porn did or did not contribute to our failing intimacy because I had issues with my libido (and my husband was he tells me doing me a favour by not pestering me). In actual fact it would have been better if he checked out what was going on for me...it feels like he just took an easy way out. He is not a young man by any means...most likely watching women half his age.

I know porn is a complex and difficult issue and don't mean to cause any arguments on here or place any judgement.

Agree with a pp. It's not that complex. Don't listen to people who tell you it is. I don't respect people who use porn*. I don't want to be with someone I don't respect. End of story.

*Yes, I know some people love to talk about ethical porn but let's face it, most people aren't bothered who is harmed in the making of porn, are they?

@catherineofarrogance80

What I don't get it why people think having an orgasm from another person is in anyway acceptable just because the person doesn't know them ? Why wouldn't it be okay for me to sext a man ? What's the difference?

Exactly, what’s the problem so long as your not having physical contact with them lol

Same as if a woman wanted to show her naked body to many men so they could get off on it . So long as there’s no actual contact says the rule
Most of these pro porners bang on about how women just don’t understand men’s ‘ visual natures ‘ how about they don’t understand that many women like to feel desired .
If men’s ‘ visual natures ‘ makes it fair for them to fullfil that need outside of their relationship online using other women then why are women not also equally entitled to meet there emotional needs to feel sexually desired online
For many women looking at men just doesn’t cut it so using the argument that women can use porn something predominately designed for. Men’s needs is a false comprising. The real comparison is women getting their needs let outside their relationships just as most men seem to be doing
Funny though how society seems to have a big problem with women doing this . Most men’s heads would fall off of if they found out their wives were secretly posting nudes ( just like the ones they are jerking off too.) online for other men to get off on lol

@DedlyMedally
So you’re cool with your partner posting buses for others to get off on so long as they are people they don’t talk with I assume

Lol not buses , nudes . I’m assuming you don’t have an issue with public transport

OP it’s not complex at all . Completely fair reasonable and you can only hope he doesn’t lie as many men do about this

[quote Countingthebeat]@DedlyMedally
So you’re cool with your partner posting buses for others to get off on so long as they are people they don’t talk with I assume[/quote]
Not really.
Why would I?

"Not really" as in I don't imagine it would bother me.

@DedlyMedally

"Not really" as in I don't imagine it would bother me.

Why would you is not really important. And I’m not really concerned with why you would or whether you feel that way because you simply don’t care it because it excites you . Your free to feel however you feel just as the OP is . Everyone’s different and it seems clear that the vast majority of people would not like their partners sexting with other people Of course , like I said we can’t say everyone feels this way . The world is made up of all types of people . Hell there are plenty of swingers and especially men who get off Their wives exposing themselves or being sexual with other men So yes you being cool with it is fine so long as your partners are on agreement Like I said before the issue is it’s those many many men who know their partners are not ok with it and sneak around doing it anyway

@DedlyMedally
Just for the record I’m not saying that you do get off on it or that you don’t . I’m saying it’s irrelevant and that so long as your partner is in alignment with your views that it’s fine for each of you to sext others - no issue
The issue comes when people lie