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Original poster

Partner on dating sites.

35 replies

Mumto2boys193 · 08/03/2021 11:33

Last year I found out my partner had been using dating websites for over a year and a half. When confronted he said he didn't know and must of been from before we started going out (almost 10 years ago....), then eventually after I showed him bank statements showing he had paid multiple times to use the site he admitted he had been on and looking and even talked to a few women. He swears nothing ever happened and he never met any of them but when I asked why he had been on it in the first place his response was "I was looking for something better but didn't" and then that was it he said he wasn't going to talk about it anymore.
At the time I was 6 months pregnant with our secondly child, so after along talk I decided to stay mainly due to our eldest (I felt there was already too much upheaval going on with lockdown and new baby ect). Recently however its been on my mind alot, I'm not sure if its due to the fact everything's going back to normal and things are settling down or what but I feel really unsettled about it all now.

My friends aren't fans of his (never have been) they say he's to old manish and not right for me and I don't feel I can talk to my family about this as it would just upset them so I feel abit stuck and alone right now. I want to talk to him about this but I know it will just result in an argument and him shutting me down.

I think the bit I'm struggling with the most is he's never apologised or acted in anyway like he was wrong for doing it. I just feel like he didn't/doesn't care about how he's made me feel or what it could of done to our family.

I just don't know what to do. Do I stay and work harder to forget it and put it in the past? Do I stay and try to talk to him about it? Do I leave? Am I over reacting?

OP posts:
category12 · 08/03/2021 11:41

You're underreacting. He was looking to cheat/go off with someone else, while you were pregnant with his child. And he's just expected you to suck it up and STFU.

crumbsnamechange · 08/03/2021 11:44

"Looking for something better"?!!! LTB.

okokok000 · 08/03/2021 11:50

Definitely underreacting. He dismissed his poor behaviour stating he wasn't preparers to discuss it. He was in the wrong, but had the audacity to shut you down. He doesn't actually respect you or care for you. If he did he wouldn't have done it, or would have at least been genuinely remorseful.

okokok000 · 08/03/2021 11:51

@crumbsnamechange

"Looking for something better"?!!! LTB.
Also this. You can do better.
RedRocketGirl · 08/03/2021 11:52

@Mumto2boys193,

"I was looking for something better but didn't" and then that was it he said he wasn't going to talk about it anymore.'

That would have been it for me. I'd have told him that he was now free to carry on his search right there and then.

You've got to do what's right for you, but I don't think that anyone would blame you for deciding that you've had enough and that you deserve much better.

AryaStarkWolf · 08/03/2021 11:54

@crumbsnamechange

"Looking for something better"?!!! LTB.
I know right?? What a disgusting thing to say
Original poster
Mumto2boys193 · 08/03/2021 11:54

Am I too late to decide that though? Its been almost a year since this happened. But I've been homeschooling and we moved and had a baby so there was alot going on and to be quiet honest I was scared about how I'd cope so I choose to try and sort things out. So do I have a right to now be feeling like I do?

OP posts:
okokok000 · 08/03/2021 11:58

No it's not too late. Of yourself you have the right to feel like you do. You're entitled to process things at whatever speed you want. You don't need to justify yourself to him. What he did was a massive betrayal which he doubled down on quite callously in my opinion.

He shut you down arrogantly assuming that would be the end of it on his say so. Real life doesn't work like that.

okokok000 · 08/03/2021 11:59

*"of course you", not of yourself 🙄

category12 · 08/03/2021 12:02

Of course you have a right.

It wasn't the right time for you to feel able to address what he'd done, and he thinks he's shut you down, but just refusing to discuss a betrayal and brushing it aside doesn't resolve anything.

You don't lose the right to be upset or angry or even to want to break up over something just because you weren't in position to confront it at the time.

WannaBeMonica · 08/03/2021 12:02

It's never too late, tomorrow is coming no matter what you do.

It's not surprising you weren't able to make that decision at the time. If you are ready now, do it now. When he was ready to "look for something better" he didn't hesitate to make that choice.

Take time, make a plan and get all the support you can. Good luck Flowers

Ahmose · 08/03/2021 12:04

Op, you can end a relationship any time for any reason you like.
I can understand that you didn't want to when you found out, you had a lot going on.
You have every right to be upset. If he was sorry at the time I think he would have said so. He didn't.
I wouldn't be able to get past that he lied about being on the site to start with. I wouldn't be too sure he didn't take it any further. The trust would be gone for me.
There's no statute of limitations on your feelings.
If you don't want to discuss it and argue, get your ducks in a row and present it as a done deal.
I'm sorry this happened

AsymQuestion · 08/03/2021 12:13

You leave, there is no 'too late'. You don't let someone say what he said to you and also you don't let him decide that he will not discuss such a horrific statement with you. Thats emotional abuse and you are being used.

Stop considering his feelings and concentrate only on yours. He lied to you, doesn't value you and then said something completely horrific, given that he stayed with you. Leave him.

Lozzerbmc · 08/03/2021 13:30

Looking for something better is a shocking thing to say. He doesnt sound sorry so he’ll just do it again....and again...

DianaT1969 · 08/03/2021 13:48

You know that you can leave anytime, right?
You say 'partner' in your OP title. Are you married?
Just get your finances and career sorted and leave him to 'look for something better'. Twat.

Manxiety · 08/03/2021 13:51

I'm sure it won't take much to find new evidence op. He sounds careless.

Wanderlusto · 08/03/2021 13:52

Anyone can leave a relationship at any point for any reason. Or even for no reason. You dont owe him a relationship.

Nor do you owe someone forgiveness if they have done nothing to earn it.

But he has showed you that he is a selfish, cold , cheating asshole. That hasn't changed, he isnt sorry, he has done nothing to redeem himself. So you still have an good reason to leave.

It is not easier to stay in the long run. It would be miserable and he'll suck the life from you.

Rip the plaster off and get rid now. Before the monster he is starts showing its claws again.

litterbird · 08/03/2021 13:53

You have every right to have the feelings you do...doesnt matter when they arise. Your friends already knew he was wrong for you. He has already told you and behaved in a way that he even knew he was wrong for you. And as for that quote "Looking for something better"....oh my goodness.....what are you doing with this man?

PopsicleHustler · 08/03/2021 13:54

I think one big massive slap and leave with your head held high should do the job for this pig.

Looking for something better!!! What a cheek!
You are perfect op. Let him get out. And stay out!

updownroundandround · 08/03/2021 14:48

No, it's never 'too late' to leave.

It doesn't matter at all that it's been a while since ''the incident''.

You have had an awful lot going on in your life at that time, and so it's easy to understand that it's taken you until now to be able to 'give head space to' and 'process' what happened.

Your 'D'P decided to 'look for something better' than you, while you were pregnant with his 2nd child. Shock

He actively decided that he wasn't happy enough with you and your little family Shock. He was looking to either have an affair or to leave you all.

He basically said ''piss off ! I'm not interested in your feelings when he 'refused to talk about it' Shock

He belittled you by not even pretending to be sorry about doing so !
He has not tried to regain your trust.

He has done nothing except prove how little he values you and his DCs.

I'd be very surprised if he's actually stopped at all Confused.

You and your DC's deserve so* much better, don't you ??

Outbutnotoutout · 08/03/2021 17:02

I would leave him and tell him your looking for someone better.

WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo · 08/03/2021 17:28

Sounds like no one was interested in him.
Which begs the question, why are you?

SandyY2K · 08/03/2021 17:29

I suspect he's made you feel rather low over the years, to respond in that way and not give a damn about your feelings.

He felt so entitled he just told you he doesn't want to talk about it, after initially lying.

Being pregnant you were vulnerable, but his lack of respect for you is astounding.
I don't believe his answer...but assuming it's true...next time he might find someone he thinks is better and you'll be dumped.

You're underreacting massively.

yetmorecrap · 08/03/2021 17:41

I would tell him you’ve decided to separate now ‘to look for something better’ and believe me you won’t need to raise the bar much for that- he’s a total arsewipe

Original poster
Mumto2boys193 · 09/03/2021 12:29

Thank you ladies! Those who said he was probably still doing it hit the nail on the head. My son asked me to unlock my partners phone yesterday eve (he wanted to look at the picture of his mouth he had just taken as his tooth had come out the other day🤣) so I guessed his password (really didn't think I'd get it right) anyway 1st try it worked and it opened up onto what looked like a dating site message page with a pic of a ladies bottom half onit. I didnt get a proper look so I cant be sure as my partner grabbed the phone of us and then wouldn't give it back or explain and then spent the rest of the night avoiding me and then was overly nice this morning so .. yeh.

Thank you for all your help x

OP posts: