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Original poster

Should I tell my partner all my past health history?

28 replies

lulumonbear · 08/03/2021 03:21

Okay. So.
I had a really embarrassing problem for a little while a few years ago (pre dating) when I couldn’t wee. I had severe and recurrent UTI’s and struggled with “flow”, I underwent loads of tests and for a little while was told I needed to use catheters to help me wee. They never really found a cause except for the UTIs but it all cleared up after a 6 month course of low dose antibiotics. I’ve had no problems for a good few years now.

I know I shouldn’t be embarrassed by it but I am, and I’ve not really told anybody about it. I’ve not mentioned it to my partner (of one year). He’s a health professional himself and because of that takes extra interest in my health, and a couple of times he’s asked me about my own health and has asked whether I’d had any previous health problems. I told him no, which I know technically is a lie. I feel awful for lying to him.

Would you be annoyed if your partner had hidden something like this from you?

OP posts:

Kintsuji · 08/03/2021 03:39

No I wouldn't be annoyed. It doesn't effect him and you don't owe him your medical history. If it was ongoing it would probably be good to discuss. Though I'd still say a year in its really up to you what you're happy to share.

fallfallfall · 08/03/2021 03:40

It’s a very private and personal problem. Unless it impacts your sexual relationship I don’t see the need to go into details.
Something simple like saying a past history of UTI’s that was successfully treated with antibiotics.
Nothing genetic. Hopefully he’s not controlling in other ways.
You’re allowed your past secrets and privacy.

QueenOfPain · 08/03/2021 03:42

I’m a health professional and would never be “asking a few times” about a partners PMH. It’s weird, it’s like he’s screening your suitability to date.

I’d assume that health details and things would come up organically and casually as our relationship grew in breadth and depth, but I wouldn’t be attempting to take a history from a new partner.

Very strange behaviour, and no, you don’t owe him any information if you’re not comfortable to give it.

aweegc · 08/03/2021 03:53

I also find it weird that it's come up even once! I had a few long term boyfriends and two shorter ones (6 months or less) who were HCPs. I met them over the years through sporting hobbies and they cared that I was in good health as in I could keep up the activity because then we could do it together. One cared about smoking and has been a friend for over 20 years and he definitely did "screen" for smokers in his girlfriends, but he is a heart surgeon and specifically didn't want the problems he'd seen from from smoking in his family life. He was direct and very clear about not getting involved with a smoker and why. He preferred women who were physically active and are healthily for similar reasons.

Not one asked me about my health history. If you're asked again I'd reply with "Why do you ask? Almost sounds like you're screening me!"

Original poster

lulumonbear · 08/03/2021 04:05

I think maybe I’ve phrased it wrongly, he doesn’t exactly screen me, more just in casual conversation the conversation has come up about past experiences/health problems that we’ve had/not had. I would have thought that’s fairly normal? Sorry, I don’t think I’ve explained it very well.

OP posts:

Original poster

lulumonbear · 08/03/2021 04:07

(We are fairly serious now about each other also, past the dating stage)

OP posts:

gutful · 08/03/2021 04:17

"a couple of times he’s asked me about my own health and has asked whether I’d had any previous health problems"

Well, that's weird. Is he wondering if you may have genetic issues which will impact on his decision to want to start a family with you?

It seems like an odd question to ask repeatedly - about past medical issues

It's OK OP I don't think UTIs are hereditary

I wouldn't feel comfortable answering this, but if you WANT to share then go ahead I guess ?

RantyAnty · 08/03/2021 04:28

Are you still using catheters?

I wouldn't tell him until after marriage.

ChameleonClara · 08/03/2021 04:31

I don't see why it is either relevant or any of his business. I wouldn't tell him, no.

I'm interested in why he is asking you though, maybe you did explain it wrongly but that is making me feel odd - has he got a right/wrong answer in mind?

seriouslystressedoutmama · 08/03/2021 04:35

I've had acute urinary retention and worse an indwelling catheter for 7 weeks and I have a stash of catheters in case it ever comes back. Sex has triggered it previously for some reason. I would be inclined to tell someone if I felt it was going to happen again so they could be there to support me. I'm quiet scared of it happening again though. The pain was horrific.

But if you're not comfortable with sharing your personal medical history than don't. If your body. And if it's not impacting your day to day right now keep it to yourself. But there's nothing to be ashamed about.

Pyewackect · 08/03/2021 04:38

I think everybody is entitled to their own privacy and that includes details of their health. As long as it doesn’t affect him then it’s none of his business.

DeeCeeCherry · 08/03/2021 04:46

He's not your GP so why would you tell him?

It's not 'just asking', is it? As a 'Yes' answer from you would lead to a discussion of your particular health issue. In full detail, I bet.

Nosey and weird. Stick to 'No' or you'll never hear the last of it.

gutful · 08/03/2021 04:56

Maybe I have a sick sense of humour but would tell him I had AIDS just to see the look on his face

PurpleCrocuses · 08/03/2021 05:00

I would find that line of questioning very weird.

Opentooffers · 08/03/2021 14:57

I'm a health professional, but I don't pry anymore than anyone else would, that would be weird. I do find that people open up about their stuff to me more because of it though. Do you feel you ought to open up, just because of what he does? Unless he's a GUM expert and could offer some expert advice should it happen again, I wouldn't bother, it's your business, and if it were to start up again, he would need to know that it's not the first time it's happened. Likely what's past is past, not worth the worry, it's reasonable to not disclose if you don't want to as it doesn't impact on him.

Opentooffers · 08/03/2021 14:59

'he wouldn't need to know it's not the first time'

MouthAche · 08/03/2021 14:59

Has he never attended a hospital / A&E appointment with you where your ‘whole medical history’ is discussed?

Your history, your body, your choice

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 08/03/2021 15:09

@lulumonbear

Do you mean something like:

Him: Poor old Bob at work is having a flare-up, I won't be back til late tomorrow.
You: Oh dear, poor Bob, hope he's okay?
Him: Yes, he's got recurrent gout. He's fine most of the time but ocassionally it flares up. It's a life-long condition.
You: That must be hard for him?
Him: Yeah. Have you ever had a long term health problem?
You: (without thinking) No
Him: Yeah it's pretty bad. It means blah blah blah... etc

If it was more like that then I don't think it's weird or worrying to have asked you. And in the above scenario I wouldn't say you lied - your condition was acute, not long term.

I think you're over-thinking this. I'm sure by now he's completely forgotten the conversation! It's not like it's going to come up 5 years after marriage and kids and he's going to stand up and flip a table screaming "LIAR!!!!" in your face 😂

YoniAndGuy · 08/03/2021 15:13

I also think the asking more than once is weird. And a little intrusive.

It really isn't something that should ever be a direct question. 'Have you had any previous health problems' is just not an ok question really.

I can see how things come up in conversation, but if it's come up more than once and you've found you've had to say the sentence 'No, no major health issues luckily' or whatever, more than once... then I would be a little

And absolutely yes, you can lie. I'd say it's the one area where lying is perfectly acceptable, if you're not brave enough (or think it would just lead to them thinking you're hiding something) - to just say 'Not your business, mate.'

Absolutely do not feel obliged to tell ANYONE personal information about your health.

Chimoia · 08/03/2021 15:19

We health professionals are so used to taking health histories that we ask too many personal questions 😁 sorry. It just seems normal to me that someone would tell me their life history because people do every day at work.

FeistySheep · 08/03/2021 15:28

Totally depends on context of the couple of times he's asked you, as EvenMoreFuriousVexation said.

After now-DH and I had been dating a year or so, he'd never mentioned any health issues, so I asked him if he had any. I wanted a head's up whether there was anything that might impact his ability to have a family later. I told him my health issues first though, so he didn't have to go first! I don't think there's anything wrong with this. I was trying to think of it from the opposite angle, like 'If I was infertile, when would I tell potential life partners? First date, definitely not. Wedding night, definitely not." So somewhere in between, around the time you get serious enough to trust each other with private stuff like that. I wanted to give him an opening to tell me, if it turned out he was infertile or similar and had been worrying how to tell me.

That said, if the health problem you had was nothing to do with your fertility or any similar thing which will massively impact your life later, you don't need to tell him if you don't want to. I didn't bother telling my now-DH about my entire health history, just the bits that could potentially rear their heads in future. Why on earth would he want to know about the cystic acne in my early twenties?!!

user1493413286 · 08/03/2021 15:35

I had an issue with recurrent utis and had lots of investigations about 5 years before DH and I got together. Although the physical side cleared up It resulted in issues with anxiety around having access to toilets.
I’ve never mentioned it to DH as it’s not come up and I guess isn’t something it’s occurred to me to share. I haven’t had a uti since we got together otherwise I think would have told him

Shoxfordian · 08/03/2021 15:36

It really isn’t his business

Ariela · 08/03/2021 15:46

Most women and many men seem to get UTIs, so I wouldn't call it a health 'problem' as it's not ongoing, it's been treated and gone - in the same way most teenagers get spots or a verruca : with treatment it cleared up

CharlotteRose90 · 08/03/2021 17:10

It’s a hard one. If I didn’t see it going anywhere then no I wouldn’t tell a guy. I have IBD and a blood disorder which needed chemo in the past, this I have told 2 guys about as they can’t be cured and flare up at any time. If he’s the right guy it shouldn’t matter to either of you.

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