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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Silent treatment from a parent

45 replies

BluebellsInSpring · 07/03/2021 22:47

How do I cope with it? It's been happening since I was a child, but recently it's got completely out of control.

My Dad.
Long story short, he's mad at me because he did something bad and I dared be upset about. This was ages ago, I thought he was over it but he recently decided that he wasn't and I should be sorry.

He told my Mum that she should be 'sorting it out' and she called me to tell me to call my Dad and say sorry. I refused because I haven't done anything to him, he's a big boy and can call me himself if he's got an issue

He told my sister too and she did similar, but I still didn't call him.

The next day I caved and called, he didn't answer or return my call. Apparently it was 'too late' and he no longer wished to speak to me.

Today he came to my house with a gift for DH, gave it to him at the door and left, didn't say hello to me or the kids.

I know all this is crazy and that I've not done anything to deserve this treatment, but what do I do? I feel so sad, lonely and cut off.

I either go running and do what he wants or I'm left feeling this way forever. I feel sick.

OP posts:

Yummymummy2020 · 07/03/2021 22:50

I would leave him to it for now. He is being a child and I assume he has gotten away with this behaviour in the past. Let him be in his huffs! To ignore your kids is shocking and it sounds like he is using your husband to make a point!!such bad behaviour. My mum did that once and I made a point of saying if she is going to ignore the kids then she will see them a whole lot less as I’m not having them think they did something wrong!!!

SnarkyBag · 07/03/2021 22:51

I went no contact four years ago

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 07/03/2021 22:52

You stop trying, accept this is who he is and will never change and then decide if you can live with it. If you can't, then low or no contact.

Unless you're prepared to give in every time and let him trample all over your boundaries this will happen again and again.

Original poster

BluebellsInSpring · 07/03/2021 22:53

My mum did that once and I made a point of saying if she is going to ignore the kids then she will see them a whole lot less as I’m not having them think they did something wrong!!!

I wanted to call him and say similar, but I know he's baiting me for a reaction. DH said best thing to was ignore, so I have. But now I'm the one spending my Sunday night in tears feeling shitty.

OP posts:

NeepNeepNeep · 07/03/2021 23:08

I bet he loves the drama. He wants you to feel bad. What kind of parent does that? You wouldn't manipulate your children like that would you so don't accept it for yourself. You deserve better. Ignore him. You haven't done anything wrong.

Porridgeoat · 07/03/2021 23:31

He’s had this routine since you were young?

What did he do to upset you?

RandomMess · 07/03/2021 23:47

Get yourself some therapy so that you can stop reacting to his abuse of you.

What does this abusive man bring to your life?

Why does everyone pander to him and be his flying monkeys?

Why do you want him to be near your precious DC?

Ruminating2020 · 07/03/2021 23:49

@BluebellsInSpring

My mum did that once and I made a point of saying if she is going to ignore the kids then she will see them a whole lot less as I’m not having them think they did something wrong!!!

I wanted to call him and say similar, but I know he's baiting me for a reaction. DH said best thing to was ignore, so I have. But now I'm the one spending my Sunday night in tears feeling shitty.

Your DH is right. Ignore your dd because he is doing it as a form of control. Note how he thought you needed to apologise and then when you did, that wasn't good enough? Nothing you do will be good enough for people who use this form of emotional abuse. Assert your boundaries, and show him that you won't let him manipulate you like that again.

Ruminating2020 · 07/03/2021 23:49

Ignore your df not dd!

rulerbirds · 08/03/2021 05:27

Has your mother always enabled this behaviour?

Cocogreen · 08/03/2021 05:46

Ring your mother and sister as usual, see them, talk to them and ignore him. Pretend like nothing has happened. Don’t pander to this abusive bully.

ScopeToCreate · 08/03/2021 06:14

Him getting your Mum and sister involved is called "flying monkeys" ie Wizard of Oz you get someone else to say stuff on your behalf because they are not speaking to you so can't make you feel guilty personally so get others to do it for them.

Silent treatment is a form of abuse, do as I want you to or I will continue to show my displeasure.

Ignore him, I bet if you look back you will see this is not the first time he has done this. Ignoring the children is pathetic and why would you want them to witness that or be used as pawns in his pathetic little game?

I agree, still call your Mum and sister.

Tangohead · 08/03/2021 06:37

Talk to your mum normally and don’t mention your dad. He’s a twat.

Aussiebean · 08/03/2021 06:40

Enjoy the silence and get on with a life that doesn’t involve catering to his whims.

You are allowed to drop the rope and not play his games.

AgentJohnson · 09/03/2021 06:49

What do you do? Accept that your father is an abusive teat and your family is set up to make excuses. If you don’t want to keep repeating the dysfunctional cycle you are going to have to stand your ground, with the distinct possibility that you will be bullied into maintaining the dysfunctional status quo.

I suggest you find a counsellor to help you unlock the years of dysfunctional conditioning.

peak2021 · 09/03/2021 07:08

Does your DH speak to him? Perfectly reasonable for him to make his feelings about ignoring your DC clear- a few choice words.

I agree with talking to your mum normally.

happinessischocolate · 09/03/2021 11:27

But now I'm the one spending my Sunday night in tears feeling shitty.

This is so sad, can you imagine your children ever feeling like this because of you. A parent should want to support and protect their children, no matter how old they are, not be the one who causes the pain.

Original poster

BluebellsInSpring · 10/03/2021 21:03

Thank you for all your comments.

I know you're all right and I'm completely aware of the dysfunctional dynamic, but it's so hard to escape it.

It's always been this way. I have a 10yo DD and I often look at her and think what could this small child possibly do for me to put them through the pain of not speaking to them? My Dad would blank me for 2 weeks if I upset him in some way. We've all always walked around on egg shells.

I'm literally not allowed any feelings except 'happy'. Even when he does the most awful things that would obviously be upsetting. He can make himself the victim of any situation, to the point you almost forget that he wronged you.

But then when I'm in his good books he's great and I know he does love me. He grew up around a lot of domestic violence, so in comparison he sees himself as a brilliant Dad.

I don't know, it's hard.

OP posts:

MrsClatterbuck · 10/03/2021 21:52

A dad who loves his daughter doesn't treat her like shit.

RandomMess · 10/03/2021 22:03

Enjoy the peace and leave him to get in touch with you!!

Why do you want your DD to witness you being treated like that and think it's ok/acceptable?

Thatwentbadly · 10/03/2021 22:08

Your DF upbringing has made him thinking this is acceptable, your upbringing is making you accept this behaviour - who or what is going to break the chain so your daughter thinks it’s acceptable for people to treat her this way.

Kinder123 · 10/03/2021 22:09

Return the favour. You blank him. Practise your tinkly laugh when challenged on it 'oh I just decided to give him a taste of of his own medicine and actually it's so peaceful not putting up with the bullshit, I'm tempted never to speak to him again.

As long as you crawl back looking for forgiveness he will never respect you. It might take a long time for it to sink in with him. Maybe 2 years if my dad is anything to go by? Stay firm.

ShatParp · 10/03/2021 22:17

@BluebellsInSpring
Have a look at Dr Les Carter on YouTube, he is a psychologist specialising in how to deal with narcissists. You may well find it rings true for you. Also Google grey rock method. I sympathise as I have been there. My narcissistic parent was also a child who grew up around DV. Therapy taught me that they never learned how to manage their own emotions and helped me view things more objectively, narcissists are essentially stuck at an underdeveloped emotional level.

Original poster

BluebellsInSpring · 10/03/2021 22:33

ShatParp

I will do, thank you.

OP posts:

B3ttyBoop · 10/03/2021 23:13

How do I cope with it? It's been happening since I was a child, but recently it's got completely out of control.

This is emotional abuse: he's stonewalling you. Being on the receiving end of that from childhood is devastating. Getting emotional and physical distance from this may help you to desensitise.

Try to get some counselling/support before you take action. Keep a diary, work out how you respond to these episodes.

OP, this isn't what a healthy father/daughter relationship looks like and you shouldn't have been on the receiving end of this mistreatment.

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