Silent treatment from a parent

[BluebellsInSpring]

How do I cope with it? It's been happening since I was a child, but recently it's got completely out of control.

My Dad.
Long story short, he's mad at me because he did something bad and I dared be upset about. This was ages ago, I thought he was over it but he recently decided that he wasn't and I should be sorry.

He told my Mum that she should be 'sorting it out' and she called me to tell me to call my Dad and say sorry. I refused because I haven't done anything to him, he's a big boy and can call me himself if he's got an issue

He told my sister too and she did similar, but I still didn't call him.

The next day I caved and called, he didn't answer or return my call. Apparently it was 'too late' and he no longer wished to speak to me.

Today he came to my house with a gift for DH, gave it to him at the door and left, didn't say hello to me or the kids.

I know all this is crazy and that I've not done anything to deserve this treatment, but what do I do? I feel so sad, lonely and cut off.

I either go running and do what he wants or I'm left feeling this way forever. I feel sick.

@BluebellsInSpring

How do I cope with it? It's been happening since I was a child, but recently it's got completely out of control.

My Dad.
Long story short, he's mad at me because he did something bad and I dared be upset about. This was ages ago, I thought he was over it but he recently decided that he wasn't and I should be sorry.

He told my Mum that she should be 'sorting it out' and she called me to tell me to call my Dad and say sorry. I refused because I haven't done anything to him, he's a big boy and can call me himself if he's got an issue

He told my sister too and she did similar, but I still didn't call him.

The next day I caved and called, he didn't answer or return my call. Apparently it was 'too late' and he no longer wished to speak to me.

Today he came to my house with a gift for DH, gave it to him at the door and left, didn't say hello to me or the kids.

I know all this is crazy and that I've not done anything to deserve this treatment, but what do I do? I feel so sad, lonely and cut off.

I either go running and do what he wants or I'm left feeling this way forever. I feel sick.

Google 'Stonewalling'.

It sounds as if he isn't a healthy person to be around so take this opportunity to start distancing yourself, if he wants to ignore you he's doing you a favour because it means you don't have to deal with him
this is a case of the trash taking itself out🗑️✅

you said he's getting out of control recently so I take it his behaviour is escalating in which case it's definitely a good idea to start protecting yourself

Let him know he is being abusive.

I will never understand why men hold so much grudges. Is it because they don’t know how to work it out as they were always told to stop crying?

How do I go about getting counselling?

Problem is I do love my Dad, I just want him to be normal. But I don't think he can.

There's lots more to this story and the reasons behind his current behaviour, but I can't bring myself to write it. 1, I'm really embarrassed and 2, I hate making my Dad look bad. Even reading people write things on here in response to what I'm saying is hurting my heart.

When I was young I thought my dad was the greatest, I'm just so sad.

Read up about FOG

Fear obligation guilt

As well as counseling, you could read Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson.

You're not making your dad look bad. He's doing that all by himself.

@BluebellsInSpring

It's very hard to deal with when it's your own parent, you are being hurt by one of the people who you love most in the world and who should love you back unconditionally. It's hard to separate the behaviour from the person, but if you are able to look at it more from the perspective that his thinking is flawed through probably no fault of his own it might help you to feel less bad about it. It helped me a lot.

@Silenceisgolden20

You're not making your dad look bad. He's doing that all by himself.

This^

OP, you have to rise above your feelings of guilt and protecting your dad, or he’s going to start this treatment with your DC. Now is the time to step up and refuse to let him carry on with this behaviour, because it IS abusive and you DO NOT deserve it.

Honestly the best thing to do is give it no air time. It's attention seeking and manipulative and the type of behaviour we should all have grown out of once we left the playground.

Don't pander to it, the more attention you give it the more he'll consider it a tactic that works on you.

Dry your tears - his childish behaviour is a reflection of him and his own insecurities and a need to manipulate those around him.

I'd view it like a child having a tantrum, if you give them more attention they tantrum again because it's a strategy that works. If you ignore and say nothing - they are just tantrum-ing on their own and that ends up feeling a bit silly.

[quote ShatParp]@BluebellsInSpring

It's very hard to deal with when it's your own parent, you are being hurt by one of the people who you love most in the world and who should love you back unconditionally. It's hard to separate the behaviour from the person, but if you are able to look at it more from the perspective that his thinking is flawed through probably no fault of his own it might help you to feel less bad about it. It helped me a lot.[/quote]
But it is his fault. He's responsible for himself.
He's a grown man who knows exactly what he's doing as he's done it all his life and got the results he wants.
Stop playing the game

The reason you hate making your dad look bad is that you've been trained to be unconditionally loyal to him, you feel that you have to accept whatever he does and protect his 'good name' even if he doesn't deserve that good name
this is psychologically damaging for you because you have to deny your true feelings and say he's a good man when actually he's a bad Man
you have been trained to treat him as if he is more important than you, that you should sacrifice your own well-being to protect him
Is that what you really want, do you think that's fair?

Who should love you back unconditionally
Accept this is not a relationship of mutual unconditional respect and regard
this is a relationship where the father feels he outranks his daughter, she owes him unconditional loyalty but he owes her nothing, he is entitled to unconditional loyal, respect and obedience she is entitled to nothing

@Silenceisgolden20 sorry yes I meant originally through no fault of his own if he's grown up in an environment of abuse, but just to clarify @BluebellsInSpring I wasn't condoning it, as an adult he is 100% responsible for how he thinks and acts now, I just meant that if you think of the roots of it as being completely unrelated to you it might make it less upsetting.
There are no clear cut answers when it's your own parent as there is so much tied up in that but if it's upsetting you a lot then definitely looking into some therapy will be a big help, also the Dr Les Carter videos I mentioned earlier were so helpful to me, without spending any money!! Very freeing after decades of putting up with all sorts!

Accept this is not a relationship of mutual unconditional respect and regard
this is a relationship where the father feels he outranks his daughter, she owes him unconditional loyalty but he owes her nothing, he is entitled to unconditional loyal, respect and obedience she is entitled to nothing OP this is exactly my situation. Both parents back one another up but behind the facade they are trying to outrank one another in their marriage. I've let them go as hard as that was. I've no contact at all. Narcissism is so destructive. I'm sure their best selves would want the best for me and would be proud of me for making my own way out of the mess. Unfortunately they seem trapped by these behaviour patterns. And neither I nor anyone else can change them. My advice would be to concentrate on your own happy family and to continue to have strong boundaries. Some people are like your father and there's no changing them. 💐💐

Sorry, bold fail!

Counselling services are available through the NHS but there'll be a waiting list. If you go privately, some may have an email/phone service. Here's a link for therapists who specialise in emotional abuse: www.counselling-directory.org.uk/emotional-abuse.html#whatisemotionalabuse There's also a free crisis text number 85258 - they will have more info on support for you.

Your dad's behaviour is badly affecting you and it's becoming more often. Just having people around as a support will be a big help. It's really hard being surrounded by others who want you to make things right so they can all go back to normal. Your dad may never change but you can try to decide how you respond to it without his behaviour overwheming you.

If you read up on Stonewalling you might better understand how to deal with it.