He cheated and I turned into a pathetic person

[Grace71]

I am looking in the mirror today and don't recognise the person I've become over the past few months. I promise, all my previous relationships have been nothing like this and I have always left bad relationships as soon as I was unhappy so I have no idea how I woke up today and realised what a pathetic, sniveling mess I have become.

I won't bore you with the details, but my DP basically had a double life of sorts for a few months where we were separated by circumstances during the pandemic and he started an emotional and then physical affair with a coworker. Whilst I was busy looking after sick relatives and having the worst time of my life he was having the time of his bloody life.

It doesn't end because he does the right thing and confesses. Oh no. It ends because she decides to phone me up, confess all (trying to force him to leave me for her). She was absolutely vile to me on the phone and tried to inflict the maximum damage humanly possible and it was traumatic beyond words because I loved my DP and genuinely thought there was no way he could ever or would ever hurt me.

Her jumps into total panic mode and does everything possible to win me back. I won't list the things because it's very long, but he literally spends 3 months doing anything possible to try and reconcile the relationship. He was incredibly convincing in this process and I found myself genuinely believing it was just a massive mistake. Not just small things, big things. I never in a million years ever thought I would take back a cheat, but somehow I find myself doing it.

We write an email together where he tells the other woman what happened was a mistake, he loves me and can't have any more contact with her. She doesn't want to accept that so she chases after him for a very long time (letters, emails, begging) which he doesn't reply to (I have access to his phone and social media and email) so I can see he isn't responding to her because all her messages and begging him to talk to her and so on.

Yes, he tried to block her on most things but if people want to contact you in 2020 then there are ways and she kept finding ways to get in touch.

THEN he tells me he misses her!!! He says he has no romantic feelings for her, but with me away, he is missing having company and she was "nice to him". I mean, how bloody bad can it get that your DP telling you they miss the person they were having an affair with???? We have a big fight about it and I end the relationship.

He then immediately shags her again (WTF?!!!) and then afterwards tells her it was a drunken rage-fuck, he doesn't want anything to do with her and even if he and I are split up he still doesn't want a relationship with her.

She reacts to this by deciding AGAIN to phone me, and while I did hang up she used "number withheld and called the house about 50 times in one day. She then sent me a 6 hour binge of Whatsapps telling me he doesn't love me, our relationship is fake, he loves her and so on. I was crying buckets and feeling as bad as it gets.

Somehow (and I get increasingly pathetic here) he managed to suck me in again for a few days with some excuses and how much he loves me. And weirdly in my fucked up psychology I am PLEASED that she is being horrible to me because it proves he loves me and not her (again...WTF?!!)

Then after a few days of begging me again and telling me how much he loves me, he says that he can see that he can't "meet my needs" right now because HE is going through a stressful time with work and he thinks "no contact" for 30 days would be good for us to take a break . I can tell he's not with OW because she is still finding ways to message me in her fury at being dumped.

I realise as I type this it's really obvious my DP is an arsehole that doesn't love me, but what I find baffling is that I appeared to not have known either of those things and I am even sad that he seems to have given up trying to win me back.

I can't believe I have sunk so low. I was a confident, happy woman and now I am a person I feel ashamed of. I'd love to hear from anyone who's been cheated on who can identify with any of this and also to get confirmation that someone who does these things can't possibly love you or be a good person. I find myself even now second guessing if I did enough

Before anyone asks - no, I am not scared to be on my own and no - I have no history of low self-esteem or bad relationships but this situation seems to have turned me into a person I don't have any respect for. I am baffled over why I am still in love with this man...am I crazy? Will it go away after we have no contact for a while?

Please can someone give me the strength to tell him to go to hell for good when he inevitably gets in touch :(

What he is doing is called narcissistic triangulation. Its playing off two women against eachother like puppets on a string. It is the domain of the narcissist/psychopath.

He does not love either of you because he is not capable of it. He just enjoys being fought over and driving women crazy.

Wake up and smell the coffee.
He does not want good things for you. He means you both harm. He gets his kicks by playing you off against one another. He is sick.

Run. Run fast and run far and never look back.

Oh my goodness that sounds terrible for you. I can only say that I think a 30 day break would be extremely good for you too, so you can clearly see how you feel without all the drama and confusion around you. I think it will give you some clarity on what YOU want to do.

Also I'm assuming you have spoken to her and know it isnt just him sending you these texts?

Ether way, police - retraining order.

*restraining.

Yes, I have spoken to her and her story matches his. She will stop bothering me now I imagine seeing as I am out of the picture and he will no doubt be back shagging her soon

First off, go to the police about this insane woman. She needs to stop harassing you. It's not your fault your husband led the stupid woman on and now she's pissed off that he was lying (duh, he was married, of course he is a liar). They can tell her to back off.

Second, get angry at him! He's a cheating scumbag! He had an affair, then told you he missed her, then fucked her again?! You deserve far better than that sleazebag. You did absolutely nothing wrong, he did everything wrong. Dump him, divorce him. If he goes to her, more fool him since she's clearly nuts. Besides, she has won no prize. He is no man that someone should want, he's a knob head.

Oh OP, this isn't a fault with you - he's done a number on you and fucked with your head.

Take him up on his no contact, permanently. Block him and the woman on every platform and suspend your social media until you are feeling better. It might not feel like it, but these feelings will lessen and eventually go. In a years time, you will shudder at the thought of him.

Any contact with him or her will delay this process and nothing good will come of it.

He is utterly horrible. He has absolutely no respect for women. He has treated you both appallingly.

You're not pathetic. You've been manipulated and have been / are being treated very badly by someone who clearly doesn't care about or respect you.

There is no shame in making mistakes. You understandably wanted to believe you could work through it. He has shown you since that your live and care is misplaced. It's now time to look after you. I think the 30 days no contact will be very good for you and hopefully help clear your head.

Good luck

I am baffled over why I am still in love with this man...am I crazy? Will it go away after we have no contact for a while?

Feelings don't go away overnight.

Takes time.

Plus you probably did a bit of hysterical bonding after he cheated.

Oxytocin is a powerful thing.

I also have a theory that women have to fight a perhaps evolutionary urge to fight over perceived high status males to secure resources.

(The competitiveness over perceived high status males is something used to maximum effect in the "pick up artist" industry).

Don't be too hard on yourself. We've all been taken for fools in the past.

But hopefully this means you've ended it once and for all now?

That’s horrendous.

Leave him. You can’t live like this.

30 day break, interesting approach there, was always possible that it might help you wake up. Maybe now he's got you both desperate for him he's less interested, likes it when you tell him to get lost and gets a buzz out of being able to change your mind. There may well be a new 3rd person on the scene so he doesn't need to woo either of you anymore.
Don't be surprised if he gets in touch in future, I hope this time you will be able to summon the courage to tell him to do one.
Why you haven't reacted like this before may be because you've never needed to, we all like to think we are strong, but it's easier to be if you don't care as much.

@Grace71

Yes, I have spoken to her and her story matches his. She will stop bothering me now I imagine seeing as I am out of the picture and he will no doubt be back shagging her soon

And looking for another one to play her off against no doubt as soon as possible.

Are you the lady who's partner was abroad in a country that if he left he couldnt return due to Covid?

If you are then you had only been together a few months before he went abroad so although you've been together nearly 2 years you've actually only been in the same country a few months.

Narcissistic triangulation, it's not you lovey. It's his mindfuckery, they love this kind of stuff. Please look up a site called "letmereach" an a lady called Kim Saeed
, the support an advice on there is brilliant. Stay strong, an if at all possible avoid any kind of contact with him. You need to heal, an you can't do that all the time he's putting shit in your head. I had 20 years of this with my husband, it doesn't get better. Take hard days an hour at a time, don't let him draw you back in. Reach out to your friends and family too. Xxx

I am so glad you are out of it now. Prepare yourself though for more of his shit. I was you a few years ago, and I look back now and can't believe I was suckered in. It's more maddening now, than the actual cheating. Time is a brilliant healer though. Now when I see him I feel sick at the very thought of being with him. He makes my skin crawl. Do not be hard on yourself. These guys are brilliant twisted manipulators.

Oh op, I'm really sorry you have been dragged into this triangle with both women fighting over a piece of shit.

Everthing you have done the trauma/hysterical bonding is perfectly natural. Read up on narcisists, then you can separate your emotions from what is happening into the reality of the situation.
Knowledge will be your power in regaining control again.

Just make sure you don't win this fight for him, you don't want to be left holding the turd.

@Onthedunes left holding the turd! I love that. Brilliantly put.

I'm sorry, it's so rotten. Don't be embarrassed at yourself, it's quite a normal response. I sat and listened to my DH crying about how he missed the woman he was having an affair with. I tried to sympathise and comfort him because at least he was being open and honest with me, which we'd need him to be to get through this. I look back and think what was I doing?! After much more drama, sneaking around, and cheating a divorce sorted things nicely.

You'll reach a point where everything clicks into place and you look at it differently, seeing him as an unattractive joke. At that point you can skip away laughing, until then you just need to hang in there and don't engage. You WILL get back to being yourself again

What this guy has done to you is disgusting. He is pond scum and deserves a massive case of knob rot.

He has taken your love and commitment and shit all over it, repeatedly. He is not a good person.

He’s has been unforgivably cruel to you.

He is NOT a good person

Why would you want to be in a relationship with someone who is fundamentally a SHIT HUMAN.

This is all within your control. He doesn’t have some magic over you. He’s not Harry Potter. He is just a man, and a fucking useless excuse for one.

STOP believing that he has some kind of magic power of you. He doesn’t. Just stop investing your heart and head in it.
Make a decision that you will no longer think about this in terms of a relationship. It’s done, block and move on.

You know the say - trick me once fool on you, trick me twice fool on me.

If you continue down this road of staying involved when you know the person doesn’t love or respect you then it’s your own fault when you get repeatedly hurt, sorry to be blunt but this is your story - stop letting someone else ruin it

Do you need all this drama in your life? Is he still living /working away? Can you separate from him (finance, housing etc.) while he is away?

Thank you all. No he's not in another country, just a long journey and he's a key worker and I'm with vulnerable family who needed me at the time. Really, the last thing I expected while I was dealing with family stuff and difficult problems was for him to be getting his end away.

I have ended it and blocked him on everything, but sooner or later I will have to collect my things or get a friend to do it. The house is his and thankfully nothing financial to tie up.

I just didn't realise he WAS a shit human, I thought he was the BEST human there was and it's very hard to understand that he's a terrible person even though the evidence is that he is.

I've been doing all sorts of mental gymnastics these months trying to make it add up in my head and it really doesn't

He wasn't in love, he just literally wanted company and shags and didn't care who he hurt in the process. I can't imagine how selfish a person has to be.

He doesn't fit at all with the characteristics of a narcissist though - no sense of self importance at all. More like weak, cowardly with low self-esteem

Don't waste time analysing him. You made a mistake. We all make mistakes. Move on and learn from it.

It's painful but you are mourning something that wasn't real.

I have made my fair share of relationship mistakes and had my heart broken in a way that left all of me broken, but eventually I bounced back and you will too.