He cheated and I turned into a pathetic person

[Grace71]

I am looking in the mirror today and don't recognise the person I've become over the past few months. I promise, all my previous relationships have been nothing like this and I have always left bad relationships as soon as I was unhappy so I have no idea how I woke up today and realised what a pathetic, sniveling mess I have become.

I won't bore you with the details, but my DP basically had a double life of sorts for a few months where we were separated by circumstances during the pandemic and he started an emotional and then physical affair with a coworker. Whilst I was busy looking after sick relatives and having the worst time of my life he was having the time of his bloody life.

It doesn't end because he does the right thing and confesses. Oh no. It ends because she decides to phone me up, confess all (trying to force him to leave me for her). She was absolutely vile to me on the phone and tried to inflict the maximum damage humanly possible and it was traumatic beyond words because I loved my DP and genuinely thought there was no way he could ever or would ever hurt me.

Her jumps into total panic mode and does everything possible to win me back. I won't list the things because it's very long, but he literally spends 3 months doing anything possible to try and reconcile the relationship. He was incredibly convincing in this process and I found myself genuinely believing it was just a massive mistake. Not just small things, big things. I never in a million years ever thought I would take back a cheat, but somehow I find myself doing it.

We write an email together where he tells the other woman what happened was a mistake, he loves me and can't have any more contact with her. She doesn't want to accept that so she chases after him for a very long time (letters, emails, begging) which he doesn't reply to (I have access to his phone and social media and email) so I can see he isn't responding to her because all her messages and begging him to talk to her and so on.

Yes, he tried to block her on most things but if people want to contact you in 2020 then there are ways and she kept finding ways to get in touch.

THEN he tells me he misses her!!! He says he has no romantic feelings for her, but with me away, he is missing having company and she was "nice to him". I mean, how bloody bad can it get that your DP telling you they miss the person they were having an affair with???? We have a big fight about it and I end the relationship.

He then immediately shags her again (WTF?!!!) and then afterwards tells her it was a drunken rage-fuck, he doesn't want anything to do with her and even if he and I are split up he still doesn't want a relationship with her.

She reacts to this by deciding AGAIN to phone me, and while I did hang up she used "number withheld and called the house about 50 times in one day. She then sent me a 6 hour binge of Whatsapps telling me he doesn't love me, our relationship is fake, he loves her and so on. I was crying buckets and feeling as bad as it gets.

Somehow (and I get increasingly pathetic here) he managed to suck me in again for a few days with some excuses and how much he loves me. And weirdly in my fucked up psychology I am PLEASED that she is being horrible to me because it proves he loves me and not her (again...WTF?!!)

Then after a few days of begging me again and telling me how much he loves me, he says that he can see that he can't "meet my needs" right now because HE is going through a stressful time with work and he thinks "no contact" for 30 days would be good for us to take a break . I can tell he's not with OW because she is still finding ways to message me in her fury at being dumped.

I realise as I type this it's really obvious my DP is an arsehole that doesn't love me, but what I find baffling is that I appeared to not have known either of those things and I am even sad that he seems to have given up trying to win me back.

I can't believe I have sunk so low. I was a confident, happy woman and now I am a person I feel ashamed of. I'd love to hear from anyone who's been cheated on who can identify with any of this and also to get confirmation that someone who does these things can't possibly love you or be a good person. I find myself even now second guessing if I did enough

Before anyone asks - no, I am not scared to be on my own and no - I have no history of low self-esteem or bad relationships but this situation seems to have turned me into a person I don't have any respect for. I am baffled over why I am still in love with this man...am I crazy? Will it go away after we have no contact for a while?

Please can someone give me the strength to tell him to go to hell for good when he inevitably gets in touch :(

Wow, very similar to my story. My ex walked out on me and the children, eventually admitted there was someone else a few months later and then told me he wanted me back, spent the weekend and then on the Monday he left me again. Then came back a few weeks later, then left again.
During this time the OW persistently got in touch with me, stalked me here on MN.

My ex claimed a breakdown so he could have 'space' but he was actually only doing that because he couldn't choose and also couldn't keep up with his lies.

I was a broken woman and I had no self esteem. I was not at all like that prior to him leaving but I totally lost my mind, he gaslighted me so much I thought I was going crazy.

He did eventually bin the other woman off and we made a go of things again, but then I picked myself up off the floor, realised that I deserved SO much more... and he had ruined things, the trust would never return so I ended things.

I enjoyed being single afterwards, concentrating on myself, learning and reinforcing my boundaries and healing.
I am now blissfully in love with a man that is everything my exH isn't.

I'm telling you this because I get how you feel- like things won't get better, I felt the same... but they really really do. You just have to put yourself first, first.

Thanks Annie, sorry that happened to you but it's encouraging to hear I will be happy again one day

I just didn't realise he WAS a shit human, I thought he was the BEST human there was and it's very hard to understand that he's a terrible person even though the evidence is that he is.

It's not working out in your head because it's not this black and white. Humans don't divide neatly into "all good" or "all bad" - even people who do terrible things can be lovely and have good qualities, and people who do lovely things can also screw up and have bad qualities. Otherwise decent people can make terrible decisions. People with shit histories can act in considerate ways.

The truth lies somewhere between "best human" and "shit human". Trying to make everything black and white feels safer (because then all you have to do is spot the "monsters" and avoid them), but you need to make space for all the shades of grey or you'll drive yourself crazy.

He had good qualities and treated you well at times, and he may well have loved you, but he was also weak and cowardly and made some terrible decisions that hurt you deeply.

I hope you find a way to be a bit kinder to yourself. It can't be helping to keep beating yourself up the way you are.

I hate change and definitely stay too long.
Focus on you and ween yourself off thinking about him.
Any time he pops up in your headspace have a distraction ready.
Good luck.

Oh God, do you think the reason he suggested we have 30 days of space is so he can keep on shagging OW? For some reason that makes me feel even worse. I have decided today that he can shove the 30 days up his arse and I am done, but even so (sorry) the thought of that makes me feel sick.

Narcissists are all weak and cowardly with no self esteem though. A lot of them talk the big talk but at their core they are horribly empty people.

They need other peoples constant attention in order to validate their existence.

Not every narcissist is the textbook 'look at me I'm so special', many are covert narcissists. If their words dont show you then their actions show you that they only care about themselves.

I thought too that this sounded so like the poster whose partner was working away on an island and they hadn't actually seen each other for nearly a year.

Did your "getting back together " happen in person or virtually?

Either way I think you're right in your assessment that he's weak cowardly and selfish. One of those men who feels sorry for himself if his partner isn't around to service him so his dick just falls into someone else but boohoohoo, poor him, he was LONELY you see.

Make the split permanent.

I'm going to cut past all the other important stuff to what I think is really hurting you right now, which seems to be the hate you are feeling for yourself. Hate for yourself because you know that you have been acting in a way that doesn't match your values. The horrible feeling of confusion and disgust at yourself because you knew you were being treated badly, but by somebody you loved. The mental conflict of knowing that you are debasing yourself by accepting this behaviour, but at the same time loving and trusting the person that hurt you. This is a state of being that can cause you severe psychological pain.

Getting back together was in person, but we've not seen each other since because to see me he needs to self isolate for two weeks (I am with vulnerables) so we got a couple of weeks together that required him to be off work for six weeks.

You're right, I have debased myself by accepting things I would never accepted and by somehow convincing myself it was okay. Also for loving someone so much who is obviously such an arsehole and having no idea.

Do you have any kids with him?

If not, this is 100% clear - no contact with him, untangle any joint assets etc. Get rid and don't look back. Don't berate yourself for trying to keep your life.

No kids, I know it's clear, I just feel bad about the whole thing from start to finish

Lady you have found your self respect your inner strength and your back bone...

you don't need this Trash to validate your self worth... let her have him and let them wallow in each other ... she has him because you ended this.. he's no prize ...

You lady deserve better 🌺

Please dont be hard on yourself, you cant change the past but you can change the future.

Maybe look at why you were so willing to try to keep a man who cheated on you. Do you have low self esteem/self confidence?
Maybe some counselling might help.

Its always good to have boundaries and enforce those boundaries no matter how hard.

Looking back do you think there were red flags you overlooked?

Thanks everybody.

I didn't think I had low self-esteem, I think I was just so shocked my instinct took over and I wasn't being rational. It was too hard to accept reality

@Grace71

You are still in shock at all his mind-fuckery, and that's no surprise.

However, you are aware that you have somehow been changed into a person you don't even recognize by all of this !

I know you've said he's not got the traits of a typical narcissist, but I'm wondering whether he actually gets most of his narc 'supply' from his work environment ??

I also wonder whether you may have had the 'boiling frog' type of 'introduction' to his 'narc' type traits ?

Apologies if this isn't the case, it's just that it's often only with 20:20 hindsight that these things can actually be seen.

By all means, tell him to shove his 30 days up his bloody arse , but then begin being kind to yourself.

Take time to try and relax without the possibility that either of them can contact you (so block on all SM/ emails/ phones etc). You are no longer any part of their fucked up triangle.

I stopped reading at that point where he shagged her after chasing you like a dog with its tail between its legs for months and you forgave him.

Let the pathetic cow have him;they are just as bad as each other and you deserve a faithful man.He's not going to change and you don't deserve to put up with this crap.

You have been very badly abused. Very badly. Please seek therapy for yourself to move forward. I’m so sorry op, this isn’t your fault.

Stop feeling bad OP! You trusted him because you're a nice person and assumed he was a nice person too. Maybe also because the OW behaved so badly that it was easy to put the blame on her rather than him? It doesn't mean you are stupid or have low self esteem. You made a mistake. Forgive yourself and move on.

Jesus why are some people such massive cunts. Fgs OP send him a message telling him take all the space he needs - forever. What a creep