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Original poster

Siblings sharing room at 23(M) and 15(F)

49 replies

DancesWithFelines · 07/03/2021 17:50

NC for this but have been here a while.

My SDD is 21 and has been in a relationship with her boyfriend for 18 months or so. He is 23 years old and had always shared a bedroom with his 20 year old brother until last summer when the two brothers started struggling to get along. The 23 year old moved into his 15 year old sisters room, sleeping on a fold up bed.

There was talk of turning the shed into a bedroom for one of the boys and some work was done on it but then money ran out (the mum and both sons are furloughed).

I do feel as though it is a very strange set up, although maybe I’m being judgemental as the family in question all seem happy with it. SDD was understanding about it at first (as a temporary measure) but now this sleeping arrangement has been going on for 10 months SDD is looking forward to spending more time with her boyfriend as lockdown ends but is wondering how their relationship as young adults will fare given her boyfriend is still sharing with his younger sister.

Their mum is a lone parent and has a partner who doesn’t live with them, and doesn’t want anybody sleeping on the sofa as it is open plan with the kitchen and leaves no other living space.

I have had some heart to hearts with SDD and said it’s ok if this is a dealbreaker for her.

Has anyone experienced anything similar? I remember my first boyfriend as a teenager used to share with his brother and it was quite awkward going round there, but I was an only child so we spent time at mine instead.

OP posts:

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 07/03/2021 17:59

Lots of kids share a bedroom. Lots of those kids leave home by 18.

Boyfriend will probably find it difficult to keep a partner living at home full stop, surely. Certainly at that age I'd never have looked twice at a boy who didn't have his own place.

But I'm not really sure what you're asking or why? Either they will stay together or break up, like every couple.

steppemum · 07/03/2021 18:17

well, I would be uncomfortable with a 15 yo girl sharing with her 23 yo old brother, yes.

But that is because i am aware of several cases where this did not end well, and so I am probably super sensitive.

To be honest though, the fact that your bf lives at home and shares a room is not a deal breaker. That is life. If they really mind, he can move out, rent a room in a house with other young people, or come roudn and see her at her house. (or they could do what many people did over the years and be creative with times and places)

icdtap · 07/03/2021 18:17

Why can't the boyfriend stay over with SDD? Does she live with you? Presumably she has her own room.

Anyway, it's nothing to do with you. They'll find a way to get round it.

Original poster

DancesWithFelines · 07/03/2021 18:23

Sorry if I wasn’t clear! If I’m honest I find the set up unusual, perhaps lacking in boundaries and I have never heard of a situation where a young man would prefer to share with a teen sister rather than a brother. I have (tactfully) told SDD this when she asked me what I thought.

However I also I accept I might be old fashioned and it’s harder for young people to move out so it could be more common than I know. If I’m honest I am a little worried that they are angling to both move in with us to solve this bedroom problem and I’m not too sure how I feel about it.

OP posts:

icdtap · 07/03/2021 18:30

If you don't want him to move in with you then make it clear straightaway that this isn't going to be an option.

Original poster

DancesWithFelines · 07/03/2021 18:37

No, she lives with her DM who has already said no to the bf staying round (said his earnings complicates things for HB/TC etc).

Will stay out of their business unless we are asked if they can move in here then we would prob have to refuse for now. We have two younger teen DC and we don’t know the boyfriend (only met him twice a year ago due to lockdown).

OP posts:

CuteBear · 07/03/2021 18:38

They’ve only been together a year so I wouldn’t invite him to move in. Does he work? Could he rent a flat? I don’t think it’s odd for a brother and sister so share a room... as long it was temporary as in a week to re-decorate a room! Sounds like a weird set-up.

Original poster

DancesWithFelines · 07/03/2021 19:07

He works for an ailing retailer and we are in London so he’d struggle to even afford a room in a house share.

Just keep telling myself that despite the tales of woe about it all it’s not my job to concern myself about the living arrangements of a 23 year old, he’s got his own family to work that out with him.

OP posts:

gannett · 07/03/2021 19:23

Of course it's an unusual and sub-optimal setup but you can blame the messed-up London housing market for that rather than this guy or his family. It sounds as though they don't really have any other choice. Rent is astronomical here, as I'm sure you must know. That's not his fault and neither is being furloughed.

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 07/03/2021 20:42

@DancesWithFelines

I had to share with my brother until I was 13 and he was 23 and moved out. DP had to share with his sister until he was 16 and she was 14 and they got enough together to rebuild downstairs to create another bedroom. It's what you do when there isn't enough room.

Bluenightowl · 07/03/2021 20:46

A young or indeed teenage brother sharing with his teenage sister would be a big no if social services were aware of it.

I’m unsure what you are asking though? Your SD shouldn’t be staying there either?

alexdgr8 · 07/03/2021 20:50

i think you should make it clear, now, that they/he cannot move into your house.
apart from that statement, keep out of it.
not your business.

alexdgr8 · 07/03/2021 20:54

by the way, i heard recently of a nine year old girl having to share a bedroom, since birth and still now, with both her parents.
that sounds odd to me.
i think they could/should at least use a screen or something.
she's nearly 10. no wonder the parents never have other children to visit.

but the child will soon start noticing that this set-up is not the norm. may already feel embarrassed by it.

i think the parents ought to think of her feelings and do something. she needs her own space, even if it is only a very small space.
she is a person in her own right, not just an adjunct to her parents.

TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 07/03/2021 20:58

I knew a brother and sister who shared a room until she was 18 and he was 17, and then she moved out. It was a two bed house and there was no choice, although iirc he spent a lot of time at his grandparents (in the same town).

This set up is different because there is a choice (the two brothers can share a room), but if they fight a lot then I can see why they don’t. I feel sorry for the 15 yo girl, but it’s not necessarily dodgy.

Frogartist · 07/03/2021 21:03

In many countries/here in the past it is/was very common for the whole family to sleep in the same room. I can't see why this would be a "dealbreaker ".

Original poster

DancesWithFelines · 07/03/2021 22:56

So many opposing opinions, I’m none the wiser except for stay out of it and don’t be pressured into offering housing.
I do realise that in the past families lived all in one room but even in Victorian times a 23 year old male would seek their own space. But a PP is right, that’s the screwed up housing market in London now so he has no choice.

OP posts:

Bringonspring · 07/03/2021 23:06

This thread makes me so sad for society when a bother and sister staying in the same room is ‘dodgy’ or that ‘social services would not be happy’

If needs must because of the crazy London housing market then needs must. Be thankful his from a family that haven’t kicked him out because of the accommodation

Whilst amuse in families does happen it really is incredibly rare. The way some have concluded on this situation is very unsettling

OP your SDD is only 21 it will sort itself out, but I would comment it’s lovely the bond you have clearly formed. Lovely to hear a positive step family arrangement for a change.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 07/03/2021 23:37

@alexdgr8

by the way, i heard recently of a nine year old girl having to share a bedroom, since birth and still now, with both her parents. that sounds odd to me. i think they could/should at least use a screen or something. she's nearly 10. no wonder the parents never have other children to visit. but the child will soon start noticing that this set-up is not the norm. may already feel embarrassed by it. i think the parents ought to think of her feelings and do something. she needs her own space, even if it is only a very small space. she is a person in her own right, not just an adjunct to her parents.

We have the same set up. DD has plenty of children over and goes to their houses, even had some sleepovers here.

The plan is to eventually move in the living room and leave her the bedroom, but at the moment she's happy.

I'm constantly rearranging furniture and trying to come up with ideas to give her more space, but a 1 bedroom flat is still a 1 bedroom flat.

SandyY2K · 08/03/2021 00:19

In many countries/here in the past it is/was very common for the whole family to sleep in the same room. I can't see why this would be a "dealbreaker ".

This is due to abject poverty.

We can't say because it happened historically, it's acceptable for a whole family to sleep in one room.

Frogartist · 08/03/2021 00:22

@SandyY2K

In many countries/here in the past it is/was very common for the whole family to sleep in the same room. I can't see why this would be a "dealbreaker ".

This is due to abject poverty.

We can't say because it happened historically, it's acceptable for a whole family to sleep in one room.

Why is it not acceptable?

SandyY2K · 08/03/2021 00:26

she's nearly 10. no wonder the parents never have other children to visit. but the child will soon start noticing that this set-up is not the norm. may already feel embarrassed by it.

I agree. I know a family in this situation and the child is embarrassed by it, but doesn't tell his parents. It's quite sad really.

Another family have 3 DC in a one bedroom apartment. I found it depressing in their house tbh. Clearly not enough space for all of them.

Myotherusernamewastakenagain · 08/03/2021 00:40

What does SDD mean? Step daughter? Sorry but the acronyms are not always clear to me.

drkpl · 08/03/2021 00:49

Weird. If I was the mother then I’d insist the boys share so the dd (who is the only dependent anyway) could have privacy. If they didn’t get along then I’d suggest they grew up and move out. It’s not the living at home thing that’s weird, it’s the intrusion of a teen girls space to suit the needs of an adult man. I’m 23 and I would rather jump out of a helicopter than date a man who shares a bedroom with his teen sister, 8 years his junior.

Normaigai · 08/03/2021 02:17

@SandyY2K

In many countries/here in the past it is/was very common for the whole family to sleep in the same room. I can't see why this would be a "dealbreaker ".

This is due to abject poverty.

We can't say because it happened historically, it's acceptable for a whole family to sleep in one room.

Not always abject poverty. I'm not in the UK and it's common here for people to share one room. It's cultural to some extent. That's not to say people with limitless amounts of money to spend wouldn't have bigger houses but the whole family in one room isn't seen as something 'bad' - extra bedrooms often isn't a priority over, for example, saving more for the long term.

SandyY2K · 08/03/2021 04:41

@Normaigai

Parents and children sleeping in one bedroom will be a financial issue...you may not call it poverty, but it's a matter of resources that would create such a situation.

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