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Relationships

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Original poster

Siblings sharing room at 23(M) and 15(F)

49 replies

DancesWithFelines · 07/03/2021 17:50

NC for this but have been here a while.

My SDD is 21 and has been in a relationship with her boyfriend for 18 months or so. He is 23 years old and had always shared a bedroom with his 20 year old brother until last summer when the two brothers started struggling to get along. The 23 year old moved into his 15 year old sisters room, sleeping on a fold up bed.

There was talk of turning the shed into a bedroom for one of the boys and some work was done on it but then money ran out (the mum and both sons are furloughed).

I do feel as though it is a very strange set up, although maybe I’m being judgemental as the family in question all seem happy with it. SDD was understanding about it at first (as a temporary measure) but now this sleeping arrangement has been going on for 10 months SDD is looking forward to spending more time with her boyfriend as lockdown ends but is wondering how their relationship as young adults will fare given her boyfriend is still sharing with his younger sister.

Their mum is a lone parent and has a partner who doesn’t live with them, and doesn’t want anybody sleeping on the sofa as it is open plan with the kitchen and leaves no other living space.

I have had some heart to hearts with SDD and said it’s ok if this is a dealbreaker for her.

Has anyone experienced anything similar? I remember my first boyfriend as a teenager used to share with his brother and it was quite awkward going round there, but I was an only child so we spent time at mine instead.

OP posts:

user643289 · 08/03/2021 06:16

No, she lives with her DM who has already said no to the bf staying round (said his earnings complicates things for HB/TC etc).

What on earth do his earnings have to do with him spending a night at their house?

lottiegarbanzo · 08/03/2021 06:31

Well, I'm concerned for the privacy and dignity of the 15yo girl but I don't think that's the concern you're expressing.

Sounds like your concern is that he and SDD will want to move in together at your house. That you can control. Just say no.

CornishTiger · 08/03/2021 06:33

Is the mum in social housing? Sounds like she is overcrowded. Hopefully she is on the waiting list for a larger property. However she’s unlikely to get one.

Sadly this is what happens when older adult children don’t leave home. The housing market is grim and the security of welfare only allows shared room rate to most under 35s.

I see this time and time again in my profession.

CornishTiger · 08/03/2021 06:35

And staying a couple of nights a week would not affect HB/Tax credits as he is not living their as his main residence. Sounds like DM doesn’t want him there.

Tbh I’d be careful SDD isn’t pushed into a moving in situation as a solution to his housing situation.

lottiegarbanzo · 08/03/2021 06:36

Why would it be a dealbreaker for your SDD though?

That she cannot stay over with him at his (Mum's) place? She couldn't while he was sharing with his brother either.

That he doesn't have his own place, where she can stay over? Neither does she.

How and where can the two of them get together? (And what on earth does the occasional guest have to with her mum's benefits? He wouldn't be living there). Can they visit and stay over occasionally at yours? So... where do they go?

lottiegarbanzo · 08/03/2021 06:41

Yes, the concern is they move in together hastily, just for the sake of early-relationship sex.

The solution to that is for you and her mum to allow overnight guests but take a firm line against his moving in.

What any of this has to do with his sister specifically, rather than being an issue of overcrowding in general, at his mum's home, is not clear. Therefore your thread title is odd.

Nollopian · 08/03/2021 07:05

Yes this would make me very uncomfortable as I have a friend who was raped by her brother from the ages of 11 to 16 when she felt she could stop it and he had moved on to actual girlfriends. I found out when we were in our 20s and she asked me to call a number for her as she couldn't get through and it was for the rape and incest crisis centre (she could get through but knew what the recorded message would say).
As the sister is a minor there are laws about what age brothers and sisters are not allowed to share a room for this very reason.

steppemum · 08/03/2021 10:12

I have lived in several countries where families share rooms. But almost always all the girls and women share one bed/bedroom and all the men and boys share another.

Normaigai · 08/03/2021 11:01

[quote SandyY2K]**@Normaigai

Parents and children sleeping in one bedroom will be a financial issue...you may not call it poverty, but it's a matter of resources that would create such a situation.[/quote]
Yes but the phrase used was 'abject poverty'. I have seen people sleep with everyone in one room so they can have a spare room for guests! As I said, if money were no object most people wouldn't sleep in one room and so it is financially driven but 'abject poverty' is over egging it.

Frogartist · 08/03/2021 15:55

@Nollopian

Yes this would make me very uncomfortable as I have a friend who was raped by her brother from the ages of 11 to 16 when she felt she could stop it and he had moved on to actual girlfriends. I found out when we were in our 20s and she asked me to call a number for her as she couldn't get through and it was for the rape and incest crisis centre (she could get through but knew what the recorded message would say). As the sister is a minor there are laws about what age brothers and sisters are not allowed to share a room for this very reason.

There are no such laws.

MobyDicksTinyCanoe · 08/03/2021 16:01

Nollopian if someone's the type of person to rape their much younger sibling they're going to do it regardless of whether they share a room or not.

DropDTuning · 08/03/2021 16:03

So to be clear, what you want is for others to tell you about teenage brothers and sisters sharing bedrooms.

Uh huh.

CallMeCleo · 08/03/2021 16:42

What is SDD?

Step daughter daughter?

eh?

alexdgr8 · 08/03/2021 20:09

the OP does not have to accept anyone overnight in her house, neither does the girl's mother.
it's their issue. let them sort it out.
i wouldn't allow that in my house.

CuteBear · 08/03/2021 21:23

[quote SandyY2K]**@Normaigai

Parents and children sleeping in one bedroom will be a financial issue...you may not call it poverty, but it's a matter of resources that would create such a situation.[/quote]
A 3 bed house with 3 children is fairly normal and NOT poverty. The 2 brothers used to share a room and the mum and sister had their own rooms. If the 2 men in the house didn’t want to share any more then they should rent their own place. The teen girl shouldn’t have to share a bedroom with her adult brother on a long term basis. They’re not toddlers.

Original poster

DancesWithFelines · 09/03/2021 00:50

I’m not sure why people are dubious of me when it’s quite clear upon reading the responses that there are two opposing (yet valid) perspectives on this.

No, the boyfriends mum is not in social housing, she owns her home post divorce.

They have a dad who has a spare room.
They have a grandmother very locally who has two spare rooms. I don’t know these people so I expect there are reasons moving in there isn’t feasible or maybe these family members don’t know that the sleeping situation is that extreme.

The 23 yo shares with the 15 yo and it’s presented by my SDD as a story of woe and my gut doesn’t like it, sorry. I feel worried for the 15yo that I don’t know, but I was an only child so I’m the first to admit I don’t really understand siblings.

I don’t want your stories of brothers and sisters sharing, I’m just asking if this is on the spectrum of normal and from reading the replies there are two schools of thought. I’m honestly none the wiser.

OP posts:

Original poster

DancesWithFelines · 09/03/2021 00:56

@user643289

No, she lives with her DM who has already said no to the bf staying round (said his earnings complicates things for HB/TC etc).

What on earth do his earnings have to do with him spending a night at their house?

I don’t know, maybe the mum has got a fella staying round sometimes and doesn’t want her DDs bf round as well drawing attention. I haven’t a clue and I’m not judging her stance whatsoever.

OP posts:

Marty13 · 09/03/2021 01:26

I find a lot of these responses startling. I'm not sure what's wrong or shocking about two siblings sharing a room if both are happy with the set up. Which it appears they are ? Why feel bad for the 15 year old when you have zero idea how she feels about it ? For all you know they are close and she's happy to share ?

Why are some people suggesting it is inappropriate ? They are siblings. It's highly unlikely they think about each other in a sexual way. Some people need to take their minds out of the gutter. Plus, as a pp pointed out, if someone's going to assault their younger sibling, they'll do it regardless of whether they're sharing a room.

I shared with my sibling until I was a teenager and only stopped because a room got freed up. My two happen to be the same gender but they'd have shared either way because I can't afford a three bedroom appartment.

As for suggesting he should move out.. He's lost his job (if I understood the OP correctly) and the job market must suck right now with so many businesses going under and unable to operate as normal. I wouldn't kick out my child under these circumstances, that's a jerk thing to do.

As for the suggestion SS would get involved if they knew... If that's true, then no wonder they have such a bad reputation.

Bluenightowl · 09/03/2021 09:26

Why are some people suggesting it is inappropriate ? They are siblings. It's highly unlikely they think about each other in a sexual way. Some people need to take their minds out of the gutter.

Why do you think social workers would put a stop to this sleeping arrangement if it came to their attention? Do you think it’s because their minds are in the gutter? Or do you think it might be because they seen, all too often, what goes wrong from such a sleeping arrangement? While it’s possible to be naively unaware of the consequences but once pointed out, naivety changes to complicity in potential abuse and that is a safeguarding issue.

Bluenightowl · 09/03/2021 11:19

see. - not seen!!!!! Yikes!

DropDTuning · 09/03/2021 13:28

@DancesWithFelines I’m not sure why people are dubious of me

I think it's because anyone who has been on this site for any length of time knows that the vast majority of people who post strange threads about siblings sharing bedrooms (and asking for others' thoughts and experiences on the subject) are doing it for reasons other than those ostensibly provided. HTH.

Andv · 09/03/2021 13:53

A young or indeed teenage brother sharing with his teenage sister would be a big no if social services were aware of it.

Come on. I used to shared my bedroom with my older brother until he was almost 17 or 18 can't remember now for lack of space.

If he doesn't get along with the brother and everyone in the family is happy with the new arrangements I don't see the problem.

partyatthepalace · 09/03/2021 21:12

@gannett

Of course it's an unusual and sub-optimal setup but you can blame the messed-up London housing market for that rather than this guy or his family. It sounds as though they don't really have any other choice. Rent is astronomical here, as I'm sure you must know. That's not his fault and neither is being furloughed.

Yep this.

But if the two of them get along it sounds an ok solution - it would be pretty twisted to automatically assume there is anything untoward going on.

I don’t understand what you are hoping for - the mother can’t do anything about the lack of space or fact that the two boys don’t get on. Couldn’t he spend a couple nights at yours a week so they get some privacy?

Cheesypea · 17/03/2021 22:01

Your right to be concerned.

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