Relationship over, don’t know what to do to be fair

[Ofalltheginjoints]

DP and I split up on Friday following a row over stupid things a straw that broke the camels back type situation and I really don’t know what to do

We live together and I own the house that we live in (DP couldn’t get a mortgage, sounds horrible but feels like a blessing in disguise right now) so he will move out and I’ve said 3 months as a rough time scale, already dreading this and the house just feels awful he’s moved into the spare room and we’re talking purely about the dog, we haven’t discussed money yet and thankfully finances are separate however is it wrong to ask him to still pay a contribution to the house until he finds a place to live?

We bought the house just pre covid and the plan was for him to pay half the mortgage a month and when he was able to to be added onto the mortgage, he didn’t put in any of the deposit so no claim at all on the house, when covid hit it impacted his business and because he is a director he didn’t qualify for any covid help so I’ve paid the all the bills except two and covered the expenses etc, things have improved and for the last 4 months he has been paying his share

My thinking is that if he was renting somewhere he would have to pay but I don’t want to make things awkward, I love him, and want this to be as painless for all sides as it can be but I’m also so worried about the dog and if I can keep him, he’s a joint dog but I have a disability which means I can’t always walk him I don’t know if I’ll manage alone?

Everything feels such a mess

Yes he should absolutely pay rent. Three months is a long time too. I’m all for being fair, but don’t get walked over either. Tell him even though you’ve said 3 months he needs to try and find somewhere sooner rather than later. No point dragging it out..

Of course he should pay for the whole time he’s living there.

Is he likely to stay local? If so can you time share the dog? I don’t have dogs but that might be possible. If he’s happy for you to keep him can you afford a dog walker?

Absolutely he should pay. But 3 months is too long for him to be staying there. 4 weeks should be enough time to find somewhere else.

He’ll struggle to rent with a dog, which he might not have thought about yet.

I had to leave my cats when I left my ex in the marital home and it broke my heart though I had no other option.

No, it's not unreasonable for him to pay rent and bills.

(Although if he's genuinely going to struggle to find the money to put down a deposit on somewhere, it might be in your interests to subsidise him somewhat if you can afford to. But that really depends on your knowledge of his finances and your own, and I would only consider it for the three months limit.)

3 months?! Way too long! 4 weeks is enough.

Can you afford to pay for a dog walker? Is there somewhere you can go where the dog can run off leash & exercise himself?

You own the house so have the most security for the dog to have a forever home.

Fight for the dog ! Who is the dog microchipped to?

I think it would be easier to get him out in 4 weeks than it will be to make him pay you rent & bills.

You need to ask him to get out as soon as he can find a rented place, one month tops. I am a member of borrow my doggy and walk dogs for people who cant due to work or disabilities. Its about £50 to join per year and the walkers do it for love not money. Try and keep the dog as animals are such wonderful spirits to have around when you are low. What actually happened OP? What caused this split and can it be rectified at all? Sounds like you have made your mind up but just asking out loud just in case there is a way back.

If you are on good terms then I would have a look at his finances together and see what he can afford. If he needs to save for a deposit for rent then the quicker he gets that the quicker you can stop living together. However if he can afford it then he should be paying you his share

Maybe not for the whole 3 months (is there a reason for the long timescale?)

3 months is absolutely ridiculous and will cause you nothing but misery. Give him a month, maximum. Where he lives isn't your problem.

Thank you everyone for your comments it really helps to be able to get it all out.

I don’t really want the relationship to be over but I think it has got to that point, certainly without massive change on both our parts, we seem to have gotten into a rut and I feel taken for granted with the lack of effort around the house etc

I initially said a month to find somewhere but he said covid will impact on this but he is going to start looking, he did say he thinks 3 months may not be enough but in all honesty I don’t think that I can do this any longer then 3 months and I don’t want to.

I do worry that he won’t be able to afford to move out because of his financial stuff but I guess it isn’t for me to worry about anymore?

Ddog is the utter light of my life and is a rescue dog who we adopted nearly 4 years ago, he has a horrible history and is very reactive on the lead so I don’t think a dog Walker would want to take him, he goes to doggy day care one day a week and that will continue and I’m able to have flexibility with my job where I can work from home part of the week when things get back to normal

There is a new secure dog field nearby which I will be able to use which will be a huge help and my family live fairly locally, all I know is he can’t go back to a rescue he’s already been through a couple of homes before us I’m just worrying about it but will just have to cope? DP hopefully will find somewhere that will allow dogs or even if he can just have him during the day and he lives with me that could work

Oh so he wants to split up but is also saying 3 months isn’t enough time ?

This is your house & he isn’t paying rent - get him out girl! he is taking the piss. There are still people needing flat mates during covid.

Also how big is your dog? Do they need so much exercise? Do you have a yard for them? You have a house you bought. So that is a secure place for a dog

If he is renting it is less secure. He could return the dog to the shelter & you wouldn’t have a clue.

As I asked who is the dog microchipped/ registered to?

My 2 are rescues & the thought of a rescue finding themselves abandoned after years of a having a loving home is heartbreaking.

If you love your dog keep them & make it work. It sounds like your set up will be better than his because he will have to flat share & not have his own place

I live on my own in a flat & have 2 dogs, but am also not disabled. Hope you’re able to find a solution so you get to keep your dog & Get your ex out ASAP

If I were you would tell him in writing he has 4 weeks & treat it as though it was a given you were keeping the dog - what with his instability with housing, it makes sense for the dog to remain in his home which has been purchased by you where he will always be welcome, where you know he will be safe.

Your ex unless he is the registered owner is likely not going to fight you for the dog - because he will know how much harder it is to get a pet friendly rental.

3 months isn’t enough time? He is totally taking the piss.

He can’t just decide to move out in 3 months, he has less rights than a lodger not paying rent

I’d be tempted to stump up the first months rent just to get rid of him quicker - once he’s out he’s out. Getting him out, especially when he’s had it so cushy, will be the problem.

@SarahBellam that’s a good point.

Think of it like paying for removal fees

He may think he is getting a good deal for one month’s free rent & leave peacefully (and without the dog)

If he thinks 3 months is too short timeframe he will still be there in 5-6 months time dragging his feet while getting rent & bills paid for!

That could be the cheapest & quickest option to get him out.

1 month is fair. Expecting it to take more than 3 months suggests that he is too comfortable living off you!

I agree about you taking the hit on a month's rent - to get him out. (You could 'loan' this to him - just don't really expect to get it back.)

You can find ways to get the dog walked on occasions if this is the only problem faced. Sounds as if he is loved and in a stable home.

Sorry I forgot to answer about the microchip, ddog is in my name, I pay for his insurance and he’s also registered to me at the vets, adoption paperwork has both our names, ddog will be staying down hell or high water and for all my ex DPs fault he adores him too and wouldn’t send him back to a rescue.

He’s a Lurcher, probably a medium sized dog and loves people and other dogs while off the lead, on the lead he’s terrified, we have more behaviourist sessions arranged but they are currently suspended due to lockdown.

We need to have a serious chat about money at some point my parents loaned him some money to keep his business going so there is that to consider he’s already said he will repay that, god reading my posts back to myself make me feel a right mug

I think he should pay for his share on the bills, food etc that would be less when he moves out. I think that's fair considering he's paid for half a mortgage for 1+ years when he has no claim on the house. The mortgage cost will be the same as and when he moves out anyway. Although you may want to talk to him about it and see what he thinks.

He should be moving out to family within a few days and looking for somewhere to rent from there.

If you break up with someone you dont get to continue to stay in their home.

Tell him to pack the basics and fuck off and maybe watch his dog till he can find a place that can have it. You can send the rest of his stuff on to him then. I'd keep it for 3 months. But not him. He is taking the piss.

Unfortunately he doesn’t have any family nearby we’re a couple of hundred miles from his immediate family.

No conversation yet just awkwardly trying to avoid each other, when we do talk he’s going to have to pay something and move out quicker then he is thinking

OP his housing issues are not your concern - repeat NOT your concern.

As someone else suggested if you can afford to lose a month of rent by offering him this as his incentive to move out then do it

Otherwise his issues of family living too far away are not something you should be taking on board.

3 months is an excessive timeframe to find alternative accomodation. He is a grown man - he can & should be sorting this out.

Maybe he has to go back to his folks & lose that job of his? Maybe this is the consequence of deciding he wants out?

Why do you have to shield him from his own life choices when he is deciding to leave you?

I can’t really afford the months rent, not on top of taking over the two bills he usually covers and I’ve used my savings during COVID to keep us going.

Your right @gutful I am still trying to shield him and I shouldn’t, on the plus side he paid me his usual money without having to be asked so I’m hoping to keep things amicable

Looks like he is moving back to his family and then planning a return to our local area a couple of months after that, I’ve possible found him a flat which will accept DDog (randomly through our doggy day care so I didn’t go out of my way to do it) which would be ready in 2-3 months, until then he wants to do shared custody of DDog and have him alternative weeks, not going to happen as he doesn’t drive so I’m not doing 7+ hours of driving (physically can’t anyway) he thinks his family will do it but I can’t see that and I want DDog to stay with me, if/when he moves back to our area we can share him then.

ExDP runs his own business so can work pretty much anywhere, have raised that if the second business stuff stays for now it’ll be in the garage only I’ll get the two bedrooms back and he will have to pay for the garage space

I just feel so sad (entirely normal I know) he’s a good person and the whole situation is just rubbish, thanks for letting me rant

Look you can’t share a dog! Well you could but it would be ridiculous & my dogs are my children.

It will cause problems when either of you start a new relationship

It will prevent you from moving on as you have regular contact with ex about the dog

He is registered to YOU - he is legally your dog !

Keep the dog & cut the cord.

Or change the microchip registration to your ex’s name & day your goodbyes to the dog

It is the best, most realistic outcome.

Do you have anything in writing about your parents' loan to him?